What Are You Thinking?

I feel so sexual right now. But I wouldn't if I wasn't so bored, I guess. I wanna go into drag. Today. But I don't have the kind of money to buy all the materials, and I don't wanna mooch off mama V's make-up. I'd feel bad.

 

Today is officially a bad day. Not the kind of bad day where I can say, "X, Y, and Z happened to make me upset," but the kind where I just woke up feeling bad. Haven't had one like this in a few weeks.

The really nerve-wracking part? I have come across several of my worst triggers over the course of the day, exacerbating my already bad mood, and there is a non-negligible chance of me running into what is bound to be the worst of them all within the next 10 minutes. Yay.

 

I'm hoping to get out of work soon... don't think its happening. -.-

 

I hate being the 3rd, 5th, and sometimes 7th wheel

 

I am having one of the most strangest, craziest, and most interesting conversations I've ever had right now on facebook. I am breaking away from it momentarily to write this because it's a bit too intense. lol

 

What is this nonsense?! It's too quiet in this house...I call shenanigans... There needs to be music.... Hmmm...Aha! Lets see whats on Pandora....woooo! The used where would i be without you?

 

Deciding to phone your dad at 3am and coming out to him in a drunken ramble (of which you barely have any recollection) is always a good idea. Always.

 

Well looks like there is not going to be an NHL season this year. Le Sigh...

 

I'm thinking i should be working on homework or if i should just carry on with my fanfiction....can't decide...... :bang:

 

Fuck all this school work, I just wanna sit in my room and watch cartoons/Disney movies/music videos all day. I'm exhausted :/

 

Ouch, I'm feeling incredibly numb right now.

 

This picture has made my night a lot better.

 

I don't get how I can have so much going for me (the top half of my avatar) yet still manage to screw it up and be miserable (the bottom half of my avatar). I really want to blame all issues I have on my orientation, and right now it doesn't seem like an unreasonable scapegoat.

Sigh...I'm just going to put off all my homework and space out to The Shins while Stumbling through the Internet.

 

Give me break. Give me a chance. Aaah
Almost 5am and questions have all changed for this company and I so badly want to get in.

 

I want to do things to Matthew Stafford...

 

I need to go to bed. one more episode. I'm in the middle of the busiest part of senior year, why am I watching a new series? And why am I posting my thoughs -oh just press submit already.

 

Feels like the book/chapter/season is over and is hesitant to fully turn the page. And knows how ridiculous that must sound and that's why I can't even tell my parents... yeah, this is great... god, how the fuck did I get here?

 

I'm going to vent, and I might look back at it later and rescind everything, but here goes: All I can do is feel mad at myself. I know I have so many things going for me, but I'm somehow managing to fuck myself over. I can't find where the hell I'm supposed to fit in this gigantic clusterfuck of a university.

Last year I thought I was going to be in the leadership/student government section of things. Ha, it turns out that in the real world, being perky and charming is more important than being genuine and efficient when it comes to being a leader. Even though I held an important position in one organization, they basically kept me out of the loop enough to where I felt unwelcome.

Then there was rock climbing. It was one of the few sports that I've been self-motivated in. I went consistently all last year, got to know several of the team members and officers, and they all told me I was a shoe-in for the team this year. I looked forward to getting on the team for the longest time. Well stupid me, I actually believed them. I encouraged my friends to try out for the team even though they were brand new to the sport. I told them to ask for slots in the tryouts even though they were originally rejected because I wanted them on the team with me. Well fuck me, they got on the team and I didn't because I had an off day during the tryouts. The team officers I was on a first name basis with rejected me even after I humbly asked them to reconsider. Of all the extracurriculars I could have done, I turned them all down because I wanted to do this one and thought I had it in the bag.

Now I have no where to go to socialize and make friends outside of the handful of people I know from high school that are here. Because this school has 38,000 undergrads, my underclassman classes are way too large and I'm way too introverted to make friends in that environment. Every other organization I'd want to join has either had the deadline pass or is full of rock climbing team members that I really don't feel like being around.

All I want is a boyfriend I can talk to. But all the guys online are weird or flaky, and the males in the LGBT organizations are not people I want to associate with. I'm completely on my own, trying to make awkward eye contact with attractive guys hoping they might take an interest, but I chicken out or freak them out every time.

I came here thinking it would push me to come out of my shell, but I've shed my shell, and all it's done is confirm my worst fears about how terrible I am socially. I don't feel at home here. I don't feel like I'm living up to my potential. I'm completely lost and aimless. I hate my schoolwork, yet it's all I'm good at in life. I just want to ditch everything and use what little money I have left to buy a plane ticket overseas.

 

I ate way too much. I'm going to fall over now.

Last week was pretty crappy but the other night was great. :eusa_clap

 

It's super late and of course I can't sleep and I have a lot of freaking crap to do tomorrow. I have to be into the probation office a half-hour earlier than I'd normally be so I can help finish the grant. Hopefully we get everything done before the morning rush because I really don't want to work on it past tomorrow. I'm sick of looking at it and hearing about it honestly. It's crazy too, because it just now hit me how big of a deal it actually was that I was wrote into the grant on Friday. That's a big deal, when it comes to name-recognition in the field and just as a means of authority and legitimacy.

...the other good news though, is that because of all of this stress and the epic fasts I've been doing, I'm down five more pounds. I haven't weighed this much since middle school. It's so weird, but I can't stop looking at my pelvic bones. The way they jut out now is so weird but oddly pleasing to look at.