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The future

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Highlander2, Jan 10, 2016.

  1. Highlander2

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    So, I have a dilemma.

    My bf and I have been seeing each other for over a year and a half now. He's met my kids and they think he's great. I've met his friends, but not his family. He's met my parents, friends and other relatives.

    He and I stay regularly at each others places, and we are both out to most people we know.

    He is not out to his parents however.

    We had a conversation the other day about him potentially moving into a different apartment, possibly out of the city as he could afford a bigger place there.

    I asked the question if he'd thought about us moving in together in the future which would mean we could afford somewhere we both wanted to live, as we'd be pooling resources.

    His response was that he couldn't move in with me until he had come out to his parents and that this was a conversation that wasn't going to be happening any time soon. I felt a bit stung at that point and simply asked that he was honest with me whether or not he saw that prospect of us living together ever happening as if not, I'd really like him to tell me so I knew.

    It was fine, but it has started me thinking again.

    His parents aren't showing any signs of dying yet and from the conversation it makes me think the prospects of living together and building a life together are something that's contingent on his parents learning he is gay.

    I am torn. I am opening up my life to him, letting him get to know my kids and yet, I have no real certainty that I am building the foundation for a life with him. He tells me he want's to be with me and sees us getting old together, but I'm concerned that he'll have his place, I'll have mine, and we'll just live these separate but joined lives.

    I don't want that, and I'm getting to a stage in the relationship where I'd love to start planning for things in the future but I am now afraid to mention it in case I am accused of putting pressure on him or moving too fast. I don't want to move in with him tomorrow or even this year, but to know that it's something that he is looking at taking place in the next 18 months or so would give me confidence that he saw us as more than just a relationship of convenience (which I know it's not, but that's how it will feel like).

    Sorry, I am tired today and I get anxious about stuff when I'm tired. :slight_smile:
     
  2. IrishJ

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    Hello Highlander, I am curious how your kids play into this role? I feel bad that he has not been able to come out to his parents to date. Just curious with your being together for 18 months have you met his family/siblings? From your profile you are 43, is he similar in age? Just curious what is keeping your friend from also living a genuine life? - J
     
  3. Highlander2

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    Hi Irish, not sure what you mean about my kids? They are both fairly young but very accepting of him and what he is to me. They both know I am gay and what my bf is to me. I'm just conscious that I am allowing a relationship to build up between the 3 of them and there's a part of me that worries for my kids if I were to allow myself to get more and more involved with someone who won't take our relationship onto the next level. He's a few years younger than me, but not much. No, I've met friends but no family.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    Sounds like a very difficult situation. Trying to push him to come out to his parents is not a good idea, he does need to do it on his own timeframe. And I can see how keeping your life on hold can prove frustrating.

    I would assume the worst, that he is not prepared to come out. Then ask yourself, are you prepared to maintain the status quo for him?

    Once you have your answer, you should know what to do.
     
  5. SiennaFire

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    This is indeed a very difficult situation. I inferred from your post that you ultimately want to move in with him and would not embrace a dual residence situation long term. If that is correct, you may want to time box this, say give it 6 months or a year (or whatever time frame that makes sense). You definitely would not share the time frame with him; this is a tool to manage your risk of being strung along. You can then continue the discussion and attempt to influence him. If he does not change his mind by the end of the time box period, you can have a heart-to-heart with him about your needs from the relationship and break up if those needs cannot be met.

    I used this with a FWB who promised to try topping but never did. Once we got to the heart-to-heart phase, he admitted that he was a total bottom. I decided to stop seeing him.
     
    #5 SiennaFire, Jan 10, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2016
  6. OnTheHighway

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    Curious, as what you describe is a FWB situation where there probably would be less of an emotional attachment than if it were a partner/boyfriend, how would your decision process change if it were someone you had deep feelings for SiennaFire?
     
  7. SiennaFire

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    Good question. We were both closeted, and there's no good label here as we were somewhere between FWB and BF. We had developed feelings and emotional attachment for each other, but clearly not to the extent of the OP. It was more than sex. In fact, this was the first time I had developed real feelings for another guy, so it was a painful breakup for me.

    My thought process would not fundamentally change assuming I was in a situation where the two people in the relationship wanted different things from it and there was no viable middle ground position. This is a key takeaway from my first marriage.
     
  8. OnTheHighway

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    I understand where your coming from and it does pose an interesting debate as to how much flexibility should exist in between partners and when red lines need to be established. I have a theory, which you have probably read in other posts that's suggest the large number of singles is in part due to people's lack of flexibility.

    I guess each person needs to decide for themselves what those lines are and they certainly will be different for each person.
     
  9. SiennaFire

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    I haven't seen the theory that you alluded to. Each of us has our own set of must haves for a relationship, and it would be interesting to hear your theory applied to the case where one has a reasonable set of must haves. What is the calculus for determining when too much flexibility is counterproductive?
     
  10. OnTheHighway

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    SiennaFire, I sent you a PM
     
  11. Highlander2

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    Thanks Sienna. In my head I had set the time box at another year from now. I honestly don't think he is deliberately stringing me along - I think it's just a combination of fear and uncertainty at his parents reaction. We talked the other day and he has reassured me with what he's said. I still think that I keep the year in my head and see how things progress. We've had the talk, he knows what my fears are and he's told me I don't have anything to worry about and that he will act at the right time. I just need to trust him on that.
     
  12. Highlander2

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    Interesting conversation the other week. He was looking at houses and flats online just out of curiosity I think and the discussion, prompted by him,went a bit like this:
    BF - "that looks like an amazing place."
    Me - "Yeah but it's however-many-hundred-thousand-pounds!"
    BF - "Yeah, but we'd be able to afford it with both our wages."
    Me - <smile> "yeah, I suppose we would wouldn't we"

    I am so lucky. I really am :slight_smile:
     
  13. maybgayguy

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    That is so great! I am really happy for you (and yeah...a bit jealous). So glad to see things working out for you.
     
  14. Pete1970

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    Congrats. HIGHLANDER
     
  15. Highlander2

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    Keep the faith guys. Sometimes I lose sight of how lovely a guy he is and I let all sorts of insecurities bubble up. Having been hurt - and I look back now and wonder how I made it through that period - by 'Him' so badly, it's affected how I am with my bf. I never imagined I could be someone so insecure at times. I am truly lucky that I have someone like my bf to put up with my nonsense sometimes. But, then he's even luckier to have me I tell him... :wink:
     
  16. Highlander2

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    So things came to a head this weekend. I found texts on his iPad he'd sent to a friend while I was looking for a site we had been on earlier last week. Basically questioning whether he was with the wrong guy and suggesting that I was looking for public declarations when he wasn't yet out to his parents.

    I asked him later that day if he was happy. He said yes and I asked him again if he was really happy as I'd seen a difference in the way he interacted with me and with his friends. I asked him to just be honest with me. He told me that he could t give me what I wanted. That he couldn't share his life with me. That he was scared about coming out to his parents. And that he did t love me enough to do that.

    So I guess that's it. We parted ways both upset. I don't know what to do next other than move on. He said he can't see a way around it. I'm feeling pretty crap today
     
  17. looking for me

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    ((HUGS)) (*hug*) i am so sorry for this, i know you put your all into this. I know there are better days ahead for you but take your time and greive this out so you can move forward.
    cheers
     
  18. SiennaFire

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    Highlander2,

    I'm sorry to hear about your recent highs and lows with this guy. Such an emotional roller coaster ride definitely takes its toll on us (*hug*)

    While walking away because you both are in different places is a reasonable thing to do in this situation, I'm wondering if you would consider another option? This is a high risk, high reward idea, so please consider carefully if this makes sense for you given your situation.

    It seems the fact that he's not out to his parents has been a real stumbling block for him and his relationship with you. While ultimately you cannot control the thoughts and behaviors of another, you do have potential influence here. Have you considered having a heart-to-heart with him and offering to help him come out to his parents? From what you've written, I get the sense that he's terrified about coming out to his parents in a very unhealthy way, and perhaps he needs some love and support formulating a plan. I'm assuming that you and he click otherwise.

    It's entirely possible that he's set in his ways and will not respond positively. The upside for you is that you can walk away from the relationship knowing that you've done everything that you could to try and save it. You definitely deserve a partner who shares your values of being out and proud, and you will find him!
     
    #18 SiennaFire, Feb 1, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2016
  19. Weston

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    Something OGS wrote on this site:

    "Even if you spend a year loving someone, it's a wonderful thing. Breakups can be difficult and often times they hurt, but that just says to me that it was worth it."

    And something by another wise man:

    "[P]eople come into your life and change it forever, but it doesn't necessarily mean they are supposed to be in your life forever. People come into our lives and give us the opportunity to grow and learn."

    Focusing on these two statements helped me a lot in extricating myself from the emotional fallout of a failed relationship. So sorry this happened to you.
     
  20. Highlander2

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    Thanks guys. The last couple days have been really hard. A real mix of feelings. He told me that he just didn't love me enough to give up his independence and the fear of telling his parents to move us forward.

    I sent him a message yesterday just to ask if we could talk. I told him I wasn't looking for marriage or moving in together just to be happy. He replied that he didn't know what to say and that his head was all over the place. He needed time to work out what he was thinking and feeling.

    I've told him I'll be there, that I'll support him when he decides to tell his parents. I've told him to talk to people whose opinion he trusts. I told him I loved him.

    I can't do anything else. If he says he can't do it then I need to accept it. I feel angry that I asked him as its destroyed everything. But the other part of me would rather know now than five years from now. I'm also angry he played me along letting me get deeper and introduce my kids to him and plan things for us. I know he loved having a boyfriend and going out with me as a couple. But I think he just wanted it to be like that forever and for us to lead separate living lives but come together. It just felt like he was reluctant to build the foundations of a relationship between us but happy for the outside to see us as a couple and to behave like a couple except not live together or share our lives.

    I'll wait and see what he says. The longer he takes the more likely I'll come to my senses and move on myself.