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The future

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Highlander2, Jan 10, 2016.

  1. TAXODIUM

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    Highlander : I am so sorry this has happened to you and I am trying to apply what Weston said, "Perhaps the take-away from this should be the knowledge that you have the capacity to truly love someone and to experience that emotion to the fullest as a gay man," to my own situation.

    It was actually the abrupt and unexpected end of a similar relationship with another married man that prompted my coming out to my wife. It's been 8 months since it all came crashing down and I still miss him and think about him every day. The end of that relationship plus the continuing aftermath of coming out to my wife has left me in a constant state of nausea since last May.

    Hugs from the other side of the Atlantic.
     
  2. Highlander2

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    Thanks. I've sent him an email just explaining how I feel. It starts off with when we met and how he made me feel, and just goes through the changes in our relationship and how he has bonded with us all, how much I am in love and love him and asks him to consider when you find someone you love, trust, respect, laugh with, spend time with and feel comfortable with, just how important it is to cherish that. I've told him I love him and can give him time if he still loves me, to think. If I don't hear anything back, or he pushes me away again, then I have done everything I can possibly do to stop him throwing our relationship away and I will have to move on. I think if I have to move on after that, I'll do so feeling like I couldn't have done anything more and it will give me some peace and allow me to feel like I've drawn a line.
     
  3. ScaredyKat

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    Hi Highlander. When I first joined this site, yours was a story I followed. You telling your wife and working out a way forward and with your kids. I have just come back again to update my own story and saw your new thread. I'm so sorry that you're going through a hard time at the moment; your BFs story sounds very much like my own...and I came back today to say that I'd finally done it and told my parents! I'm 40, had thought I could never do it, but finally I did.

    It sounds very much to me that your BF/ex is scared and the "easiest" way forward is to split with you. Although you have supported him, this is obviously a pattern with him and one that only he can break. My GF used to be supportive and encouraging but not push things - she even said that we could make the decision to never tell my parents and find a way round that. In the end, I came to the conclusion that I had to tell them. He needs to make the decison himself but from what you have said, that seems quite a long way off. If not you, is there anyone else he can talk to about this?
     
  4. Highlander2

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    Thank you all. ScaredyKat he has friends but they believe he is terrified of the thought and think it would never be an option for him to come out. I'm glad you have found the courage and I M glad it has worked out for you. It's a big step. My story seems to be never ending. One drama after another. I just want to be happy and find someone who wants to share my life and memories with me.

    I sent him a message the other day saying I had accepted we were finished. He replied outlining the reasons for us splitting. He cited reasons that I feel were predominantly focused on me seeking reassurance on our relationship and him feeling that we were going too fast. He made no mention of his mixed messages around our future and the elephant in the room of him not being out to his mum stopping him from moving us forward at all.

    At least he has now told me the reasons and the total lack of contact has been stopped. I e asked if we can meet face to face to talk it through and see if we can work a way ahead now we know each other's feelings. I don't hold out much hope but I have to try or I'll always feel I didn't do everything I possibly could to save it.
     
    #44 Highlander2, Feb 19, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2016
  5. SiennaFire

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    Highlander2,

    I'm sorry that you have to go through all this drama, yet we both know this outcome is for the best. He is not able to come out to his parents, which prevents him from being able to live authentically as a gay man. I know this authenticity and the ability to love each other openly that stems from this authenticity is something that you value and deserve in a life partner. His refusal to acknowledge the elephant in the room and attempt to transfer responsibility to you for seeking reassurance and moving too fast underscore the gap in the relationship. My heart goes out to you for I know you love and care for him deeply, yet after doing everything you could to save the relationship, it's time to start a new chapter in your life.

    (&&&)
     
    #45 SiennaFire, Feb 19, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2016
  6. Highlander2

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    So the reply back was I don't want to talk about it and I don't want to meet. Basically he's admitted that he wanted our relationship to stay the same and not change as he was happy the way it was but he knew I wanted to move it on.

    Guys I actually feel relief of sorts. I have tried everything I can. To reason with him, to meet him half way, to talk face to face, to tell him honestly what he means to me but when it came down to it he can't stop running away from the fear he is living with. I can't help him and he doesn't want help and actually can't see he needs it.

    Thanks for all your support. I might take some time out of EC just to get my head sorted out for a bit. Xx
     
    #46 Highlander2, Feb 20, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2016
  7. Highlander2

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    So, a week has gone by. It feels like 6 months. It's incredible how quickly I have recovered how I am feeling. I was tortured for weeks about how he felt, how I felt and a hope that diminished by the day. I have to stop myself feeling anger at him; I do miss him but I have thrown myself into catching up with friends and am determined I am not going to be in a position like this again where I feel bereft and alone.

    I am also determined to increase my circle of gay friends. I've had coffee with a guy the other day. Turns out he's a friend of mutual friend and we talked a bit about him, and then about each other. He's older than me by a few years but a calm, measured guy, but with a sense of humour. I'm meeting him again at the weekend for lunch and again a coffee and chat. He's got a decent body, and who knows where it might lead, but I'm not getting into a relationship any time soon. It's just nice to talk and right now I'm just looking for people to talk to and feel connected with.

    "He" and I have met a couple of times. It's strange but I had actually started to get over him towards the end of the year and then everything happened with my ex-bf. "He's" actually been very good - very understanding and kind. I'm seeing a different side to him. He isn't taking advantage of me feeling crap and seems keen to build a friendship with me. I'm happy to be his friend, that way I can choose when I see him and am not ending up feeling like I'm owned by him.

    Just enjoying being sociable :slight_smile:
     
  8. SiennaFire

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    I'm glad that you are healing from the breakup by being sociable and increasing your circle of gay friends. I'm not sure who "he" is, maybe I'll have to check out your previous posts :slight_smile:

    Take care and enjoy being sociable.
     
    #48 SiennaFire, Feb 27, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2016
  9. Highlander2

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    He is the guy who triggered my coming out. Still there in my life and it's all just a bit confusing. We still have very strong feelings for each other.
     
  10. Highlander2

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    So today was really lovely. Lunch and open talk with each other about our lives so far. Then for a walk together. He's an intelligent guy, doesn't take himself too seriously but he's a measured sort of guy and it strikes me that he'd be a calming influence. He's suggested we get a drink together which is something good to look forward to. Lots planned for this week, lots of catch ups with friends and family, and just looking forward to an active social life :slight_smile:
     
  11. looking for me

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    i wish we had a "Like" button just for this post.:slight_smile:
     
  12. Highlander2

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    Thanks :wink:
     
  13. Highlander2

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    So, interesting week so far. Have been chatting to some guys online in my area. A broad age spectrum - 30, 40, 42 and 49 are the main ages. The 40 yo is keen to meet up as a friend - he looks cute as well as we can chat well enough - and there's a bit of me that's keen to have a FWB for a bit too. He seems keen enough as well so will see where that leads. The 30 yo is just gorgeous but way too young for me, and he's flirty but keen to talk. Might meet him for a coffee as he seems up for it, and who knows where that will go too. The 49 yo is the guy I've met a couple of times. He's measured, calm and has a good sense of humour. He's good looking in a handsome way, and he makes me feel secure and safe when have spent time together. A reassuring presence almost. He's also got a good body and I find myself getting weak when I see his arms and legs... too much information I know.

    I'm just enjoying this freedom - I do like the older guy and I like how we are just taking time to spend with each other as friends just now. No idea if it'll get more serious and not even thinking about that, but nice that he's looking to make time to see me and is getting in touch. Suppose that's a positive sign at least that he likes me!
     
  14. Highlander2

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    So an update. The 49 yo and I still see each other for dinner, coffee and general chat. We talked the other day and he's happy on his own, doesn't see him changing his independent life whereas I am looking to find someone in the future that I can be with and build a life together. It's cool though. We spoke, we both like each other and find each other attractive. I don't want a bf, but happy to have a friend as is he and if there are benefits to that then I am absolutely good with that too. I don't feel any emotional attachment to him, and I doubt that I will given the setting out of expectations we had, but if we can have some mutual closeness and affection and physical stuff, then I'm cool with that.

    I'm finding myself more and more pulled back towards 'Him'. We've met a few times, and he's been cryptic as Hell about what he wants in life. I get the feeling that a lot of it is geared towards telling me that he wants me, but just can't find the courage to be up front about it. The ridiculous thing is - I want him too. Despite EVERYTHING, I still want him. I'd go as far as to say that I think he could be the One. There are times I could cheerfully smack him in the face, and the next minute, I just want to hold him. This isn't a by product of the split with my ex bf; this has been how it has always been since I met him. Fiery tempestuousness, up and down emotions, it's like Brokeback Mountain sometimes with the tension between us. And it's been like that for years. Always never quite coming out into the open with the exposed feelings and ultimate in vulnerability.

    Think there needs to be a conversation had soon though. I'm single and free. If he wants me, he needs to tell me or I'm moving on. I don't want to jump into a relationship but building a strong friendship that will lead that way is the way I want to do things in the future.
     
  15. SiennaFire

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    Hey Highlander2,

    Thanks for the update. It sounds like you are healing from your breakup and making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. It's always great to remind folks here that things do get better and there's a fulfilling life after the closet.

    I'm wondering based on your description of how he drives you crazy with the up and down emotions whether he's a good match for you or not? I had similar a similar reaction before I married my wife, and in hindsight we really should not have gotten married for reasons beyond the sexual orientation mismatch (you really don't need to point out the paradox of that statement, I got it when proof reading the post). It might be a good time to brush off Joe Kort's book on gay dating.

    Caveat: The fidelity of an anonymous online site is far from perfect, so I could be misinterpreting and reading too much into your post.

    Best,
     
    #55 SiennaFire, Mar 23, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2016
  16. Highlander2

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    So 'He' is a no go. I've hot and cold messages over the last few weeks, and I am not putting myself into that position again with him. It's just not worth it and I really think I would be completely unhappy within a few weeks. So, that's that.

    I made contact with my ex bf this week as well just explaining few things and I really feel like a line has been drawn. A few times in the last few weeks it has been really hard to bear and I've felt myself slipping into a very anxious or depressive state. I really feel that something has changed inside me this last week and I am now missing him less and less. His total absence of any contact initiated by him seems to have galvanised me.

    I'm making contacts and getting coffee/dinner out, with some nice guys. I'm not looking to start a relationship, but want to get my confidence back into shape. I'm being totally up front with the guys I meet and, in time, who knows one of them might be someone that I click with and want to explore more of something longer term with. Until then, dinner and dates is fine, and if there's anything else with the right kind of guy then I'm happy to explore that too.

    My ex has hinted that in a few months we might be able to meet, so some time in summer perhaps. There's a bit of me that wants to stay in touch, but also a bit of me that thinks what the hell, why bother meeting him after over 6 months of no contact and silence. It's not as if I am going to have anything worthwhile to say to him and for me I'd like to think I'd have healed enough to not want to re-open old wounds again.

    Any thoughts on the benefit or otherwise of meeting an ex after a period of time?
     
    #56 Highlander2, Apr 2, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2016
  17. Spaceman

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    "Maybe in a few months" sound like he's stringing you along. I think you're better off with a clean break and focusing on finding someone who isn't playing games wth you. That's great you're getting out and meeting new guys :thumbsup:
     
  18. Highlander2

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    Yeah, but I am really not worried about meeting him. I've set a calendar entry for late July to remind me to get in touch with him. I want to see if he'll be the coward I think he is and just say "there's no need for us to meet, too much time has passed and I don't think it would help either of us to meet now when we've both moved on." But there's a part of me that wants to put him in the position where he has to say that. Or is that just me still getting over him that's encouraging that type of behaviour...!

    I've really made it easy for him to walk away without having to face anything difficult and give me any explanation face to face. I've not got angry, I've not been abusive, I've been very reasonable despite having to see my kids upset that he walked out of our lives, I've been very reasonable in considering his feelings in all of this and not putting him right behind the 8 ball with some of the questions I could have asked.

    But. What good would it do me to behave like that? Not very much good at all.

    I don't think he's intentionally playing games with me - I just think he's a coward that won't grow a set of balls and deal with this like a man and be totally up front and honest. Rather, he's putting off for a few months another 'I don't want to meet' response as he thinks that's somehow kinder to not be honest. I have no illusion in my head that we will get back together - it's gone beyond that point now and having seen the way he has behaved after the split I have seen a completely different, uncaring and clinical/cold side to him that does nothing to make me think I did the wrong thing in putting him on the spot before.

    I want to move on from him, but I do still care about him and don't want to completely lose touch.
     
    #58 Highlander2, Apr 3, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2016
  19. Highlander2

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    So I have decided that I'm not going to get in touch with him later on. I think that you - and many of my friends - are right in that I need to make a clean break. It won't do any good, really, what do I expect to happen? We sit over a coffee and just reminisce about what it was like, shake hands/hug and say goodbye, only to potentially feel the wounds pulled apart after I leave? I think it's easier to just move on and try and forget and, in time, I'll hopefully think about the time we had together in a happy way rather than the way I feel at times just now.

    I try and avoid looking at photographs as these just make me feel wistful and a bit sad but, strangely enough, I don't look at his picture and feel any sort of desire or passion or even love. I look at them and just feel disappointed. Is that normal?

    He has just totally shut me out - it's a fear thing on his part and our relationship was just developing and growing and it wasn't in his control to contain it. The more it grew and developed, the greater the chance that his parents would eventually have to know or would learn about it. It's something that I think he would never have had the courage to face and as a consequence, he just ran away when I gave him the chance.
     
    #59 Highlander2, Apr 8, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2016
  20. Highlander2

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    What a difference a week makes, and a realisation that someone just isn't the person you thought they were, I feel like I've made huge strides forward. That's 2 1/2 months now and I am leaving my ex bf behind. I think about him occasionally in a sad way, but think about the way he has behaved since we split and the total blanking of me and unwillingness to discuss our split like a grown, mature man.

    I've met "Him" a couple of times too. The sexual tension was too much for me, but strangely enough I felt in control. Like it was my decision and I wasn't feeling pressured into it. I knew he wanted it, but so did I and afterwards we talked. We've talked a lot recently and the chemistry is still there. He's told me he wants me to be part of his life and he wants to take things slowly with me, if I want to. He's told me a lot of things that make sense now, and now that I am single, I just can't shake the feelings I have for him.

    We've talked and talked about what 'us' would look like, even after the first attempt at something a few years ago, and he wants us to build a strong foundation of deep friendship. He's told me that if it makes things easier sex is off limits too, so we can just focus on getting to know one another at a deeper level.

    I am not going into this blind. He is a fiery and tempestuous guy, but he is also very vulnerable and kind. I've written so much about him in the past, but when I am with him we just are completely at ease and lying with him in my arms the other day, both of us relaxed and enjoying the closeness, felt like nothing I have felt in recent times.

    Spending time with him, with no pressure, and just getting to know him better is all I want just now. We have the sexual chemistry, sex is incredible, and we instinctively click - I just want to build strong, deep bonds with him and it seems that, just now, he wants to take it slowly and do this too.