Tell me about typical gay sexual relations

For gays and straights, sex is an extremely large, extremely varied menu. Most people find a few things they like and stick with those. Others enjoy the variety.

The most common activities for gay couples are manual (mutual masturbation), oral (blow jobs) and anal (butt sex!). For both oral and anal, there are some who enjoy both giving and receiving, and there are those who like one more than (or even to the exclusion of) the other. Guys who only "insert" when it comes to anal are given the nickname "tops", and the guys who only "get inserted into" during anal are considered "bottoms". Guys who do both are often called "versatile". Sometimes people combine these terms - a "versatile top", for instance, would prefer to top but will bottom on occasion.

It's very common for closeted and just-out guys to be extremely wary of bottoming, as they tend to envision it as a painful activity, akin to "having something shoved into you". But you may find that, out in the world, there are more bottoms than tops. And it's not because they all have a thing for pain or anything. It's because, done right, bottoming feels REALLY good.

What's on the menu beside these three things? I'm guessing that the next most popular items are probably frottage or "docking", and perhaps rimming (oral contact with anal). After that, the sky's the limit. Bondage, costume play, latex, leather, role playing, S&M, three-ways, four-ways, infantilism, etc etc. One of the positive things I've found about being gay is that, once guys come to grips with being gay, they're more likely to discuss and indulge their other sexual "likes". That doesn't mean that gays are non-stop freaky deaks when it comes to the bedroom (or the kitchen floor, or the wrestling mat). It just means we're more likely to tell our partners "You know what I've always wanted to try?", and our partners are more likely to say "Sure - let's see how that goes". Maybe they'll like it enough to add it to their menu, or perhaps they'll decide "enh - maybe not" and go back to just jerking each other off. But we seem more willing to try.

Lex

 

Sorry, your statements don't compute.

You want to go "out on the town," find a BF "over the next few days," yet want someone who is in it for a "longer term"??

My advice is to really sit down and prioritize. Right now it just appears as if you want a fuck-buddy. Which is okay, if that's what you want. If you want something long lasting you're going to have to look for it, work at building a friendship or relationship with someone, and take it slow.

 

The next few days? That's rushing things a bit, ain't it?

 

Like I said before, right now it just appears as if you want a quick fuck. If that is what you want then I am sure it won't be difficult to find - just be safe (yes, condoms). Though I think you might not feel so great after doing so if you just want to validate your sexuality. There are other ways of doing that that don't involve sex.

If you want something longer term, then go on a few (or many) dates without the expectation of sex. See if you can click emotionally with the guys. If you do, then go out with them a few more times and let things progress naturally. It isn't beyond the realm of possibility to establish a longer term relationship over the next week, but it is highly unlikely. Keep your expectations realistic.

 

I'll more or less agree with the above. The best places to find a good boyfriend aren't necessarily the best places to get laid (either immediately or almost immediately). It's not that it's impossible to have a long-term relationship with a guy you bedded within a day or so of meeting - I know several who are in such relationships. But even they know they more or less got lucky. I met mine playing online video games, but that doesn't mean I'd suggest everybody who's looking for a boyfriend start an account. That just happened to be where we met.

>>>If I went out on three dates over the next week we could probably squeeze some sex in, right?

Let me put it this way. One of two things will happen.

1. You'll have had sex by the end of the first date - or, more accurately, your first date will be you two having sex. After which point, there's a decent to good chance he won't have any interest in seeing you again. If he does, chances are good that it'll be so you can have sex again. The "let's get to know more about each other"? He's probably not going to be as interested in that. It's possible, certainly, but not all that likely.

2. If your first date is sexless, or ends with nothing more than a bit of kissing, then he's probably not going to be overly keen on seeing you twice more within the week. He'd (rightfully) consider this to be somewhat desperate on your part, and he'll probably want you to back it off a tad. Or a lot. Again, anything's possible. Maybe he's desperate for a combo soulmate/fuck-chum, too, and maybe you click something fierce, and maybe you're major boyfriends (with mindblowing sex) by the time you hit the next red date on your calendar. But I'd say the odds are stacked against you here.

Lex

 

This sounds a bit like you're planning a road trip instead of planning a relationship.

There's not easy answers to the question because:

1. Dating is dating, whether it's same-sex dating or opposite sex dating.
2. But on the other hand, gay relationships don't have to mimic straight relationships. You can make it be whatever you want it to be because the rules aren't as set-in-stone with same sex couples, as they are with opposite sex couples.

This seems to be where it's getting off-track. You're confusing sexual relationships with romantic relationships. And what the responses you're getting are trying to tell you is that there are three very different options.

1. A fuck-buddy that is just for sex.
2. Casual dating that involves hanging out and doing things together but doesn't necessarily include sex.
3. A romantic relationship that includes dating, doing special things for each other and a sexual relationship.

Knowing the options, the question is "What are you looking for- What do you want?"

 

Well, you're not crazy for wanting all of this, and please do prove us wrong if you can, but odds of getting everything at once and in one masterstroke are pretty slim, I'd say.

However, in addition to what has been said above, I must confess I find some of your reasons a bit odd. Sleeping with a guy, or having a boyfriend, is not magically going to out you to the world, so you'd still have to go to the coming-out process, regardless of how awkwar it might seem sometimes. And sleeping with a guy just to be able to say "oh, yeah, I've slept with a guy" sounds off somehow. There really is no reason why you can't make light about NOT having slept with a guy either (usually when my friends mention sex, I just shrug and say "Nope, not yet!"

And, finally, I just plain miss any emotional context in your post. Remove the reference to meeting a guy from your post and you could just as easily be talking about getting a new TV set. It reads like a plan for an engineering project, with a time table and a due date. And relationships don't work that way (as an scientist, I sometimes wish they would, though ). They have to have time to develop by themselves, and you should take the time to reevaluate your feelings every so often. And if that takes some weeks to months, so what? Also, presumably this guy you'd be dating will have some designs of his own rather than just be there for your validation.

By all means, go forth this weekend, meet guys, have fun, and keep yourself open for possibilities. But don't insist on wanting it all and wanting it now. If you've been gay all your life, it's not going to depend on this one weekend right now.

 

You will not find a longterm relationship in the next three days.
I really can't emphasize that enough. It is next to impossible. It would be akin to my cat sprouting wings and flying away. Not totally unreasonable if he happened to be a cat-mutant, but highly unlikely.

And if you come on this strong when looking for a relationship? People will RUN away. Like full on running.

Because you are sounding a wee bit nuts to be honest. Slow down. Just enjoy being out about your sexuality. You don't have to prove anything to prove to anyone, including yourself. You don't need to be in relationship or having sex with dudes to be gay.

 

Yes! Totally necessary. You are just diving headfirst into something about which you are woefully ignorant. I mean... Actively looking for a longterm relationship is bizarre. Just look for a person you get along with first! You want to find a person, not a relationship. If you feel it is the other way around, you've got it backwards.

I fully support you going out and having fun at clubs or what have you if you feel like that it is your scene, but why don't you take things down a notch. Trying joining a LGBT support group. You may be able to find a mentor there who will show you the ropes of not acting like a crazed loon when meeting potential boyfriends. And if there isn't one in your town, go out and start one. You are bound to meet far more interesting people and hold better conversations in an atmosphere like that than grinding against some random fellow in a bar. No one you meet in a bar, by the way, is actively looking for anything longterm. They are out to have fun and get laid mostly. And yes. It would be weird if the first time you met someone you asked if they were looking for something longterm. Very VERY weird.

I hate to burst your bubble, but you are really rushing things.
Slow down, buddy.

 

I'm all for people getting into great relationships, and I'm all for people having great sex. (Hell, I'll for people having dull sex if that's all that's available right now.) My concern comes from a few places.

1. Your lack of experience shines through. I wrote a long bit about how I'm picturing YOU're picturing the dates will go, but while looking up the correct spelling of "sommelier", I realized I was being far more smart-assy than even *I* normally get. Suffice to say, yes, there are people out there interested in getting into a deep, meaningful, sexual relationship. But most of them are well aware that such things take time. And those that don't? They usually find out pretty quick about the pitfalls.

2. As Filip pointed out, I don't see much sign that you're thinking much of this hypothetical other person. You say somebody said how "selfless" you sound, but you come across the opposite way here. YOU have this need to be fulfilled, YOU are ready for a relationship, YOU are set to have several dates with some sex thrown in at the end there, YOU have denied yourself long enough, so YOU are all set to have this happen.

And what about this other guy? What's in it for him?

I once joked (rather sadly) about the relative of a friend of mine. She had spent much of her life planning her wedding, down to the shade of blue for the flowers on the altar. When she finally did meet "the guy", that's all he was - the groom. He was the guy who would be standing next to her at the altar. The final piece of the puzzle. I joked that after the wedding, he may as well go back home and start dating someone else, because she was done with him at that point. And, sadly, I wasn't too far off.

This sort of mindset rarely is in conflict with hook-ups. You're both there to get off, you both KNOW that, and although ideally you'll both do your best to make it an enjoyable encounter, you don't have to worry about "what the other guy thinks" post-orgasm. You shower, you perhaps say thank you, and then you go back to your life. But it's far different with an actual boyfriend. He brings his own wants, needs and baggage into the affair. And, as I suggested, maybe his wants/needs/baggage perfectly coincide with yours. If you like coming home and smacking your boyfriend, that's a problem...unless your boyfriend loves getting smacked. At that point, you've got a matching set of baggage, and you're happy as pigs in clover. Similarly, if you meet a guy who you click with really heavily, who is looking for a deep relationship and stuff to share, and wants to get physical pretty quickly, then hey - jackpot. But chances are you won't. You're much more likely to find one of the two types I listed above - somebody who wants to fuck, or somebody who wants to slowly get to know you. And it's going to be up to you what to do when you meet these folks. Do you want to play by their rules? Do you want to jump in and try to convince them to play by YOUR gameplan? Do you want to bypass both types and simply look for somebody who wants to play by your guidelines?

I'm not going to say "don't date" or "don't put yourself out there". But put yourself out there with realistic expectations of what you're going to run into. I've seen a lot of gay guys go down this path. Many end up going to bed with some guy, expecting some big revelation, and instead end up with a messy five-minute encounter. And then they never see him again...and then they go out and buy "Boys Suck" T-shirts and become bitter because "gays are so shallow - they only care about sex". Don't fall into this trap. I'm not out to make a cynic of you. There ARE guys out there who meet other guys, and fall in love, and fuck like rabbits, and are so happy they could make you puke. But it's a journey.

If you just want to get laid, go get laid.

If you're interested in something more, I'd work that angle. Take your time. Pushing for a "meaningful sexual relationship" quickly nearly always results in non-returned phone calls and unreturned texts. And that doesn't mean they're bad people, or even people who weren't looking for a good relationship. It just means you freaked them out by pushing too hard. So calm down a mite, and resolve to take things as they come. And throw your timetable away. It may be that you're both set to get the sheets sweaty and sticky by the second month, or the second date, or the second hour. But let him be involved in that call.

Lex

 

But... You can't possibly care about someone after knowing them for such a short period of time. And you obviously don't care about them since you are using this fake relationship to justify your sexuality to your family, friends and yourself.

I just keep getting this feeling like you are some sort of robot programmed to be a gay man, but something got seriously crossed in the wiring. Do you realize how silly you sound when you claim you want to get a boyfriend within a week so when you go home you can show off how much you care for this person even though you don't care for them at all and would be fine if you broke up immediately following the holiday? (Run-on sentence, I know, I know.)

 

Okay this is seriously starting to get a tad bit disturbing on so many levels and I ain't just talking about this thread either. :dry:

If I didn't know better I would say that you want someone from here to come along and say yes to all the things you want, yes it is possible to start caring about someone in less than a week, yes you can really find a LTR in a bar or club because hey, what else would people be looking for in such places other than that, yes we gays and dykes require having physical contact in order to validate our sexuality and prove to the world just how awesome it is to taste the bloody "rainbow", yes yes yes. Honestly I don't know what else any of the very capable advisors on here can tell you because the answer will always be no, no and no.

There, I threw in my two pecans. I am sorry if I offend you but it's the truth.