Teen caught viewing gay porn, what now?

Would it be more fair? Partly, but it would be also somewhat one-sided. You know that "some of my best friends are {X}, but..." line? Or "You're a credit to your savage tribe" accidental patronising? These gaffes happen when you focus solely on the people you personally know, without examining the wider form of the question.

So, yes, both "what you think of your cousin?" and "what you think of San Francisco?" aspects of acceptance are important, especially to a teenager. And yes, he needs to ask both types of questions to accurately gauge your real attitude towards him, choices he might made down the road and friends, enemies and lovers he would have. Not all of them would be like those of that cousin of yours.

On the yet other hand, if you're like usual straight person, your knowledge of "San Francisco-" side of the question is virtually nil, - some contact with gay co-workers and relatives, some "Gay man bites dog" news stories and some locker-room gossip. You don't even really know what is it that you're accepting or rejecting. That's actually OK. You can learn it now, when you actually need some knowledge of it. Some of what you'll find out would probably be disturbing and gross, well, of course. Some of us may find these aspects disturbing and gross as well. We're not some monolith, although there is a distinct shared identity and culture. Not all gays are like your cousin, or like the most... err.. feisty part of the community you see on TV news, but they all share that core.

If you accept that universally-shared part, and at least tolerate the rest, you won't be scared of your son asking you about San Francisco, and would be able to give him both honest answers and good advice.

 

You want your son to be honest and open with you; would it work for you to start this process by having a discussion with him about your views on gay people, etc. and just trying to answer his possible doubts about if you would accept him, what you would think, and so on? It might be worth waiting a little to show that you respect him and his desire for privacy/space.

Also, if you and your wife do decide to point him here then you may want to ask the mods if there is a way to make him unable to view this thread – that depends on if you are fine with him reading everything you have written and all, so it's just an idea for if you aren't.

 

I'd agree that it's best not to push the issue right now. Let things settle down for awhile, and give him some time to figure himself out. Just make sure he knows you and your wife love him and support him, and are there for him when he is ready to talk.

My parents kind-of forced into coming out to them (though not because of porn), and it was an incredibly stressful, terrifying experience. And that was when I was totally sure of my sexuality. If your son is still unsure and confused, I imagine all this has been even harder for him (especially considering the embarrassment of having to discuss porn with his parents).

And don't worry to much over the fact that he didn't come to you first and ask for you help/advice. It's way harder than it sounds. My parents had always discussed their support of same-sex marriage and gay rights around me, never said a bad/negative thing about gay people, and are just the type of people one would expect to not freak out about one of their kids being gay. Yet I still couldn't bring myself to say the words when I came out to them (Mom had to ask). Not trying to attack you here, but any negative comments you had made about gay people around your son, I'm sure he remembered. That would make it all the more difficult to approach you about it.

Based on the fact that you've reached out to site like EC to help understand what your son is going through and what you've said here, I think you've handled things pretty well. Like I said earlier, the best thing you can do for you son is be a loving, supportive parent while he's trying to figure this part of himself out.

 

All I have to say is that you are an amazing father.

 

I completely second that. I'm actually quite astounded that you've done so much work and put forth so much effort in supporting your son's sexuality. You really are an amazing father.

I read the letter and think that it is pretty well done

 

Wow, that letter is so amazing. I agree with what they said above. I actually shed some tears after reading that. You seriously are an amazing father. :eusa_clap

The letter is beyond beautiful. You deserve an award or something.

The only thing I would think more about before giving him are the parts where you talk about his sexual orientation and the words "decide" or "decision." I know you are referring to deciding whether or not to come out, but it may be helpful to reword it a bit or add in a section to talk about how sexual orientation isn't something he can choose and that you love him anyway. It's ok if you don't change that part, but that is the only thing I noticed that could be reworded slightly. It is important to say that he can decide when to tell people in his own time, but also important for him to know that his sexual orientation isn't a decision he can make, it's just who he is. Coming out is a choice but being gay/bi-sexual/straight isn't.

Either way, you have done an amazing job. You're a great parent and your son is really lucky. (*hug*) (*hug*) You're the kind of parent everyone wishes they could have.

 

Just here to say that you are an awesome father. People like you give me hope

 

The letter seems great to me as well.

I will point out though that point 2 of the "Porn" section seems a little at odds with the rest of what you said. It does seem to me that with the closing comment "it will show you how sickening the industry is" that you don't really approve of viewing porn, which is fine and given your history with porn is entirely understandable, but I don't think it comes across very well in light of everything you said beforehand.

I don't deny that some professional porn companies have shady or bad business practices, but that goes for every business, not just porn. In my view it is unfair to give the impression that all porn companies are bad, when that certainly isn't the case. In fact it isn't uncommon for people working in porn to have an excellent working experience better than any they have had before in other employment.

Also some of the other language in this section (such as "it will represent an unproductive block in your life") does seem a little like it is trying to make him seem guilty for watching porn. I think it'd be better to keep the entire thing totally neutral on the morality of porn viewing, and then if you like perhaps put a sentence at the start (or end) that you'd prefer if he didn't watch it, but it's up to him.


These are just things that I'd change if it was me writing the letter, so don't take them as major criticisms. Everything else you've written is fantastic.

 

Sorry i had something written here, but its late and i didn't realize there was a letter posted before i started writting and had time to read it.

 

Wow what a great letter. I just finished reading it and I must say that you are an amazing father indeed. You deserve a pat on the back for that. I think that letter is totally fine and gets a lot across. Best of luck handling this. Again, great letter.

 

That is a really great letter.. From the advice I already gave, and you ticked all boxes. Good work, you are a great father! It is non-judgmental, tastefully comical in parts and shows your acceptance ten fold! Oh, I hope it goes well.. and I'm sure it will! Letters are always better for tricky, emotional subjects.

 

Wow.


This gives me hope in society.

 

That´s a great letter and you are an AMAZING father!!! :icon_bigg

Congrats! :eusa_clap

Best wishes for you and your family.

---------- Post added 5th Jan 2012 at 06:12 AM ----------

Btw, I cried reading your letter!

Again, you are a great human being!

Well done!

 

That letter was beautiful, and you're an amazing father.

 

*Edit now from my original post a few above this one*

Just read the letter, wow that is a great letter indeed. It was vary fair, loving, and accepting of whatever the outcome may end up being in the future.

Great job dad! Its good you got everything out on the table in a nice clear and very thorough respectful letter. I think you and your wife are on the journey of creating a stronger bond and relationship with your son, regardless of weather or not he ends up being straight or gay, you and him will establish a stronger father-son, mother-son relationship as a result which every teenager needs during these years of maturing and development.

 

Your son is really lucky

 

That letter really is amazing, and I hope you and your son do let them put it up on the site. I'm not sure I've ever seen the coming out letter done in reverse before.