Teen caught viewing gay porn, what now?

Thank you so much for being supportive of your son. I know it can be difficult, but it's clear that you love him and want what's best for him. That by itself will make the biggest difference of all.



My experience is that most people, and especially most men, view some pornography. It's true that for some people, it can become a problem--similar to the way that alcohol can be a problem for some people, while most people can drink some without becoming alcoholics.

Given your history, and the effect that your use of pornography has had on your family, it's understandable that you are afraid of your son becoming addicted.

I think that your son is gay, and he is almost certainly not straight--he's interested in men. So, consider that, right now, pornography is pretty much absolutely his only outlet for his sexuality. He isn't comfortable talking about it with you, and probably isn't comfortable talking about it with his peers. He probably feels guilty even allowing himself to notice attractive guys, since he knows that most of them probably wouldn't like it. Most popular culture does not depict gay relationships, in TV or movies or music or anything. That can make things very hard. And, if the porn is the only "gay thing" he has, then you are taking away his only expression of his sexuality. Obviously, that's going to be difficult for him.


Helping your son adjust:
I agree that it would be a really good idea to refer him to Empty Closets. Here, he can talk to a lot of people who have been through, or are going through, the same things.

You also might consider adding Logo to your cable package, if possible, and getting him a subscription to a magazine for gay youth (if you can find one that's actually publishing). When he's ready, if you help him get involved with gay peer groups, then he'll have real live people that he can feel are legitimate objects for his feelings, and he won't be driven so much to porn.



In the meantime, maybe take him to a counselor to help him accept his sexuality, since he seems to be struggling with that. Being gay is not a psychological problem, but not wanting to be gay, when you are, can be a very serious problem, and there are counselors that specialize in helping with that.

Tell your gay work colleague that you are worried about your gay son, and invite him (and his partner, if he has one) over for dinner so that your son can meet a well-adjusted adult gay man. This would most likely be profoundly meaningful to your son--it's possible that he has never really met or spoken to an older gay man before, and the lack of adult role models is one of the things that is hardest on young gay people.

If your colleague has a partner, your son would also be able to see that it's possible for gay people to have normal, healthy, loving relationships, which is obviously something he will not have gotten from the porn.

Seeing you and your wife interact in a friendly way with gay people will also be very good for your son.



Make sure your son has some kind of outlet:
Your son is a teenager, and not in a relationship with anyone. Presumably, when you stopped viewing pornography, you channeled your sexuality more into your relationship with your wife. Your son does not have that option.

If you want him to stop looking at internet porn, I think you are going to at least need to make sure he has access to, say, male underwear catalogs or things like that--where the men are somewhat eroticized, and mostly nude. (Images like that of young women, in bikinis for example, are all over the place all the time, so you wouldn't be condoning anything that isn't completely normal for straight boys your son's age to have ready access to. Only they would be pictures of guys instead of girls.)

You definitely want him to have some kind of outlet. You are worried about internet porn, but internet porn is NOWHERE NEAR AS DANGEROUS as seeking out ACTUAL RANDOM PARTNERS, which might happen if he has no other outlet.



My thoughts on the causes of promiscuity among gay men:

Part of the cause of promiscuity among young gay men is that they are male, and they don't have the reticence of female partners to worry about. But an equal part, or even a greater part, is that when they haven't completely accepted their sexuality, there seems to be no legitimate or healthy outlet for it. They have the idea that homosexuality is all about sordid, anonymous sex, often in public restrooms.

If they believe or feel that gay sex is inherently sick, or wrong, or sinful, in all circumstances, then there is no motivation to try to engage in romantic or sexual relationships in a healthy way. They lose respect for themselves, and engage in all kinds of self-destructive behaviors.

If you make sure that your son has a healthy relationship to his sexuality, and understands that healthy sexuality must always include self-respect and mutual respect with one's partner, he will be much less in danger of participating in the sort of promiscuity and self-destructive behaviors that you are concerned about. They are really not the result of being gay so much as they are the result of people feeling bad about themselves for being gay.

(A gay man who is well-adjusted to his sexuality might still have many partners, but he will have enough respect for himself and his partners to take reasonable precautions for both his and their health; it's a man who has bad feelings about his sexuality who engages in sex recklessly and self-destructively.)




When I was in high school, I had a teacher who was a gay man. When he was put in charge of sex ed, he did something no straight teacher I know of had ever done, and devoted an entire lesson period to a discussion of love and self-respect, and the role of sexuality in a relationship and in your life. He spent a lot of time on the importance of having self-respect and self-love before being able to share that with a partner.

It is the lesson most likely to be referred to by anyone who was a student at the school at that time--it was wildly popular, and the second year he taught it, students from the first year begged out of their regular classes to come and sit on the floor and on countertops, so they could hear it all again. Our youth is starved for discussion of love and relationships.

When straight people talk about sex, I always think there is too much focus on anatomy and biology, and nowhere near enough discussion on the role that it plays in our lives. I guess for gay people, sex just isn't mostly about procreation and it's biological function, so we just have a different perspective on it.




For yourself, consider looking into PFLAG--not only the pamphlets that have been mentioned, but actually going to meetings. PFLAG does some political stuff, but more than anything it is a support group for the families and friends of gay people. There are other parents there who have been through exactly what you are going through now, and they can help you and support you through it. They will understand exactly how you are feeling. You and your wife could go together.

And of course, you are always welcome to post any questions or concerns you have here on Empty Closets! I hope we will hear more from you, and your son.

 

I'll admit when it comes to gay porn sites, I would never say download sites anymore, I find streaming better. But I do on the other hand, completely understand your reasoning and like Zontar and EM said, you may want to somewhat explain the reason you don't want porn for him. Just explain you don't want him to possibly go through what you did. But it's up to you of course. But I same time do have to say to other people's advice, porn is not necessarily dangerous if you know how to limit yourself, and in some ways it sounds like you don't have faith in your son. I mean him looking at porn right now is completely normal because he's young, still trying to find himself. I honestly think nowadays, some gay men and women are finding it easier to figure themselves both by discussion forums like EC, but sometimes also by figuring out what can arouse them too often through gay (or straight) porn. But please note, HIV is not prevalent amongst gay men as much as you think, and all I can say is...just tell him to be SAFE.

 

One more fact re condoms: ensure your son can actually get some. I DAMN WELL remember how difficult it was to just pass them to a checkout clerk as a teenager, purely psychologically. And with the kind he most probably would end up needing most, you know, those "Extra safe" brands (industry's code word for "designed for anal sex.") it's probably even more embarrassing experience.

 

Restricting him from pornography is fine, but you have to make sure to allow him some outlet to sexual themes. He sounds like he's in a questioning stage at the moment and not allowing him to explore different sexual themes is dangerous. Not just for questioning teens, but for any teen, I think it is dangerous to just ban anything sexual from them.
Make sure he gets ample sexual education, whether that being from you or other sources. Promiscuity exists in all communities. You say there's an escalated level of it among gay communities, but surely you don't believe that all straight people aren't? Even if he's straight and not queer, he's still at risk to contract STIs without being taught the proper precautions.
Not only that, but his first sexual experience will really, really suck (and probably will be really dangerous) if he goes into it not knowing anything, whether he's with a girl or boy.

 

Please forgive. No beating up was intended, merely another point of view.:smilewave

 

I came on Empty Closets as a questioning teen. I still am i questioning teen. This site has helped me more than I can express. Just knowing that there are other kids out there going through the same thing was the biggest relief. Talking to them was even more amazing. Yes, most of the people on here are homosexual. But we are much more than our sexual orientation. A lot of us have been in your son's shoes and have a wealth of knowledge to share with him. We are here for support. Support that we will offer if he is gay or straight. Here we are much more than the sexual label placed upon us, we are caring people who want to help. I encourage you to introduce your son to this site. I fully wish I would have discovered it when I was 15! This is a safe place filled with amazing people!

 

Hi, I wasn't going to comment on this but decided to just put my two cent agreeance in.
First off I want to say that I am in almost the exact same position as your son but a year younger, and if my dad knew I would want him to be supportive and loving about it. Now it sounds like you are, but you need to be accepting of any and all personality changes in the near future.
As for watching online pornography he is most likely just curious as I was when I first accepted my homosexuality. As for if you want to restrict his access to porn that is completely the parents decision, and seeing how you have had past problems with pornography you have an experienced view on the matter.
All in all I am not your son and I do not know him personally so don't take my word as his. I just wanted to give a point of view like his.

 

I have also taken an interest in this thread, as I am 17 (though bi and female) and haven't been able to come out to my parents. I just wanted to say how great it is of you to come onto this forum and be so willing to learn and to still love and support your son no matter who he is. You seem like a very good dad, and this is really cool of you.

There's been alot of great advice offered here, and I don't really have much to add. Just continue to ask any and all questions you have. And hopefully you'll stick around, because I'm actually finding this thread quite inspirational.

I think that's wonderful that you all watched Glee as a family, it's such an amazing show. I thought I would hate it before I gave it a chance, but now it's one of my favorite shows! And I have gotten my mom and dad to watch the show with me and they both love it too. I think you should definitely continue that if it's still an interest of his. I might be alone on this, but my parents being willing to watch such shows really means alot to me. As for television and their growing depiction of LGBTQ characters and storylines... I think that it's getting better and more prevalent, but when you look through regular TV you don't see much in relation to this. If you were just looking at my personal choice of shows it would seem that way, which I think is what my parents believe actually, but that's just because they reflect on my interests and views.
Like I said I haven't come out to my mom and dad yet, but I do watch shows that contain LGBTQ themes/characters in them. Besides Glee I've also gotten them to watch Ugly Betty, Buffy, Degrassi (mom only), and even Luke's story on As The World Turns (mom only).
In fact it's kind of funny that no ones has put these pieces together yet.
So that's all I wanted to say, that I think it's great when parents are willing to watch such modern and accepting TV shows with their children/teens.

 

I would like to put my 2 cents in here too.

Having been through the confused teenager stage, and using porn as an outlet - I am with you on your stance to limit his intake of it. This is much easier said than done. Monitoring his internet use is a bit much for a teenager and I think you are going to have to come to the consensus - he is not going to stop entirely. However, What you have done (being honest with him about your history) is highly commendable I think and definitely a step in the right direction. Every parent has the concern with the internet, and really it comes down to individual parenting styles.

My opinion is that another talk is in order, perhaps at the same time you talk about safe sex. Show that you understand how the internet is full of porn, and how you have experienced first hand its addictive nature. He needs to understand that people in porn are actors and that it is mostly false and does not represent a healthy, loving relationship. I think the best you are going to do is to tell him to be careful on the internet, at what he looks at, giving personal information or using chat sites. I would tell him that having been where you have been and experienced has resulted in you taking extra precautions and that you would be very happy if he respected that in his own use.

Tell him that you are not going to check his history and that you are going to trust him to be responsible. Use the examples of your neighbours ridiculing you and how upset that made you feel, or the impacts it has had on your life. Total honesty with your son will be both good to get your message across, build trust and ultimately his understanding to comply with your wishes.

Remember - he is a teenager, it is natural for him to rebel, but setting a loose boundary (in my opinion) will do better than totally banning his use or monitoring him. It will also show your acceptance of him. Let him know that you are giving him the benefit of the doubt because you love him and trust him.

Stress again that you understand that sexuality is difficult to work out. What people are saying here 'he is gay' I do not agree with at all - he is at an age of experimentation. Understanding that he may very well be gay, and that is fine or that he may be bisexual or he may turn out straight and accepting ALL is the key here. Stress that you are concerned about diseases, but not to the point that he is petrified. Let him know that statistics show the rate of HIV is higher with gay men, and that anal sex is how the disease is caught. Give him some condoms to show you are on his side. Let him know that diseases can also be caught from oral sex, but it is rare for this to occur. Really, the message to get through is that casual sex is a high risk activity and precautions are imperative for his health.. this is just not gay sex, this is all sex.

Bringing your colleague around for dinner sounds like a good idea to me but that depends on how you feel about that personally.. Maybe you and your wife could go have dinner with the couple first and have an insight yourselves so when it comes to inviting them to your house - you will have done the ground work. Counselling I would say is a fantastic idea - find a counsellor who specialises in GLBT issues and it would not be a bad idea for you and your wife to go to a few sessions also.

I see no harm in you directing him to this exact forum, but I think it is important for all people who have responded to realise that we cannot in any way, shape or form comment that your son is in fact gay. We can say that he has a same-sex attraction and can facilitate your acceptance by saying there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. At 15, your son is still young and at a confusing age. It is a good community here, and no one here is out to 'rip anyone off' so to speak - the advice given is simply support. I would say your son participating on this channel would do him more good than harm. Knowing you have participated and reached out will also show you are concerned, and that you are willing to learn to support him in any way you can.

All in all though, I would like to say you have done the right thing here. You are facing the issue and while it may be embarrassing for your son.. and at 15, I would say it is downright awkward for him on the subject - I can say one thing - The world is getting to be more liberal and I sure wish 10 years ago when I was his age there was the support and help that there is these days - it would have done me a world of good. Keep an open mind, realise this is going to take time and that you've made the right decision. Honest communication and acceptance will bring you and your son closer and with a little bit of work on both you and your son's front, you will get through this (!)

 

Dear Parent174,
I am 57 years old and came out last June to my wife of 23 years and all of my family. I can't tell you what a difficult life I have lived because society, my family and my church would not allow me to be who I was. I read this entire threat this evening. I was not going to respond until I read your last post where you say that you have reservations about directng your son to this website because he may be influenced by all these gay people. That statement just made my heart race in frustration. You insinuate that you are a man of science (I am a scientist) yet you think that your son will be influenced by us. You are completly wrong by this thnking. Please read "Born Gay; The Psycobiology of Sex Orientation" by Wilson and Rahman. It is a scientific study of all of the scientific studies that have been coducted in the last hundred or so years with most being in the last twenty years. I have always thougth that I was born this way. I had attractions to guys since I was 11 years old. If anything the whole world was telling me this was wrong to feel this way. Why would anyone chose the path of most resistance.

Being gay is not a choice!

Empty closets would be a good place for your son to search for the answer. We are not here to CONVERT anyone. We are here to help each other through the journey of discovering who we are!

 

(Wow, this turned out long. I've done my best to break up the text with space between paragraphs and using boldface.)

I'm really glad about Glee. I love that show. It's the first show I can ever remember watching that I can really depend on to show the gay perspective on whatever the theme of the show is, without it having to be a special "this is the gay episode." Kurt is a major character, which is nice--I would even go so far as to say he is the 3rd most central character on that show, and ever since his dad married Finn's mom, the two more central characters, Finn and Rachel, both have "gay in the family" (Rachel has two dads, yay).

Certainly, there is a lot more representation in popular culture than, say, 15 years ago when I was in high school. From your perspective as a straight person, I can see why you would feel like we have nothing to complain about.

But let me explain from my perspective, as a lesbian (I'm a girl, by the way, lol).

Pretty much every single show you watch on television, and every movie you ever see, and every book you ever read, if you are not specifically seeking out "gay themed" stuff, will have their main characters be straight, and, very importantly, straight romance plays an important role in pretty much every plot and storyline. Gay and lesbian characters, when they appear at all, are generally secondary characters, frequently providing comic relief, and only sometimes have any romantic storyline at all. Glee is great in this sense, but that is just one show, and even then, Kurt is not really the #1 main character.

As a straight person, you feel like, holy crap! The gay is everywhere these days! But can you imagine what it would be like to live in the reverse situation? Imagine that every single show you ever watched was all mostly about gay people, and one in 15 or something might have a straight character or two--the main character's best friend, maybe, or a minor character who works in the same office. Of course, half the time, it would be a woman, and not a guy like you. And actual straight romantic involvement, or, god forbid, an actual straight kiss, would be so unusual that everyone would comment on it every time, and even debate it--should we allow straight kissing in prime time telvision? On a show for teens? While gay romance, remember, would even be basically the whole theme of some shows, and certainly a gay kiss, while maybe an important moment in the story, certainly wouldn't inspire surprise in itself.

I suspect it is difficult for you to really even imagine what that would be like. Straight romance is such an important staple piece of the narrative of all our entertainment media.

Even if, just a few years earlier, there had been basically no straight people on television at all, and the current situation was an improvement, you would still feel alienated from most of mainstream television, and would long for access to more stories and characters that you could relate to.

To some extent, this is always going to be a problem, as it is for all minorities. But unlike racial minorities, it is common for gay children to also not have anyone in their home life who is gay, or who makes an effort to see that the child's sexuality, which is usually unknown to the parents until at least adolescence, is represented in the media that the parents have control over (such as picture books for young kids, or a specialized cable channel). In a racial minority family, the parents would usually provide those things, to the extent they are able financially--and the children at least usually have the parents themselves to relate to.

That's basically what I'm saying you should do--just what minority parents normally do for their kids.

It's really good that you watch Glee with your son. And, since you also want to have that kind of discussion with your son about love and the role of sex in a relationship and your life, I thought I would mention that I think Glee does an amazing job of addressing those issues. Specifically, I think the sex ed episode a while back, and the more recent episode, "The First Time," would make great conversation starters.

In the sex ed episode, Kurt's "sex talk" with his dad is really great, and reminded me of my teacher I mentioned. Keep in mind, one of the writer's for Glee is openly gay, and this talk likely represents what he wishes someone had said to him, when he was a teenager.

And people think gay people, and maybe especially gay men, shouldn't be teachers, because we are all out to corrupt the youth. Seriously.




Regarding your concerns about referring your son to EC,

I do think that your son is attracted to men, based on what you've told us. (I don't think I actually said he was gay, just that choosing gay porn out of the whole wide world or internet porn means that he probably is attracted to men, which would make him not straight--beyond that, he might end of identifying in a number of ways.)

I would listen to what your son had to say, too, though, if he were on here, and consider that on it's own in giving him advice. We don't necessarily think that everyone who is questioning is gay. Some people explore their feelings and find out that they are straight. It doesn't happen as often, because in our culture we always start of with the assumption that everyone is straight. (As opposed to, for example, assuming that they are not interested in romance or sex with anyone until they show interest in it.) When your feelings line up with what everyone assumes they should be, you aren't as likely to question them.

But there have been members here who came to the conclusion that they were straight. We try to help people acknowledge what their feelings are.

On occasion, there is someone here who will keep coming back and saying that they just really don't want to be gay, and, you know, sex with the opposite sex doesn't seem that bad or anything, and they would like to marry someone of the opposite sex, and have kids.

Since for a straight person, sex with the opposite sex normally seems a lot better than "not that bad," we would try to talk this person out of marrying someone they are not really attracted to, and subjecting themselves and the other person to profound heartache down the line. (Not to mention the kids!)




Otherwise, we just try to help people sort through their feelings, and provide support and reassurance that, whatever their feelings are, it's okay. I mean, if it's clear that they know what their feelings are, and they just need someone to confirm it, we might say, "Yes, it sounds like you are gay, just like you think you are," but it would be based on what the person said their feelings are.

Like, to someone who comes on here and writes five paragraphs about their same-sex attractions, starting from age 5 and continuing up to their current intense crush on their best friend, and finishes with, "Do you think I might be gay or bisexual?" we would probably say, "Yes, it sounds like you are attracted to [your own sex]. You haven't really said anything about [the other sex]. Have you ever been attracted to or had a crush on one?"

But really, it's all just a taxonomy based on the definition of the different terms. Like, if all their attractions are to the same sex, then, gasp! they are gay. We don't try to convince people they have attractions they don't have. We just help them name what the pattern is, and accept that it's healthy and normal for them.

We do try to help people accept themselves, and not be in denial about what their sexuality is. A lot of the people on here have a lot of experience talking to people who are questioning, and after a while you learn what gay people who are in denial tend to say, as opposed to what a curious straight person might say. We are not all of the same sexuality here, either, there are bisexuals and straight people on this forum as well. There are even parents, like you.




If you haven't seen it yet, there is a page for parents discussing the purpose of Empty Closets that may further address some of your concerns. You can find it by clicking here.

And, I've mentioned that you and your son are welcome; your wife would be welcome to join in discussions here as well. Very often a parent's perspective is greatly appreciated. It can be very helpful to someone trying to figure out how to come out to their own parents, for example, to hear from a parent's point of view about the emotional response their parent's might have, and how they can help their parents through that. And, it's a great source of hope for young people, just to see parents that are accepting, and very meaningful to all of us.

So, maybe if you and your wife participate in the forum for a while, you could help some of the other members here with some of their coming out questions, and you could get a better idea whether you would be comfortable with your son participating in our community.

 

I, as someone who has suffered a terrible gay porn addiction from 4th grade to today, can shed some wisdom on this whole thing, perhaps in a little way.

1. porn is bad PERIOD. i am not saying that morally or whatever. It simply portrays sex as something that isnt intimate, a cheesy quicky. being obsessed with it is a terrible burden. you engage every sphere of ur life from a pornographic view, and that ruins relationships and friendships. it corrupts the mind of anything pure and wholesome. that is not to say to bar your son from eroticism, you should NOT. young men should be encouraged to find some sort of erotic escape.

2. your son may or may not be gay, bi, etc. Sometimes he may just be attracted to the sex. Its an effect where your first experience with sex is your standard forever, and by first being attracted to gay porn(with its sex), he immediately shifts the bar to not really think too much about straight porn (its not true sex in his mind, therefore not as exhilarating). Is that to say this is the case with your son? Perhaps not. But we must remember firstly and foremost: A person is ONLY gay if he/she identifies oneself as gay, having sexual and romantic feelings for the same sex.

3. If you son is definitively attracted to the same sex, and he wishes to live his life as such, then you, as a good parent that you are, should support him 100%. Do not question his feelings, but do not be afraid to prod them and assure him that u are here to help. Don't doubt whatever identity he chooses for himself. If he chooses to be gay, support him like you would support a straight son: give him a lil motivational speech, take him out places, talk to him about his attractions, encourage him to report his romantic advances, make him proud to be who he is, unashamed and unabashed. I would only wish at least that from my mother.

 

Just want to say your an awesome dad for supporting your son.
And I think it would be great for your son to discover EC.

 

I can't believe no one has mentioned this yet, but a while ago another parent came to EC with similar problems. I found the thread for you. I think maybe it could help, and you'll get to see the kind of people that are here on EC.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/suppo...d-son-looking-gay-porn-ive-got-questions.html

Personally, I think you should let it rest for a while. You don't want to barrage him, nor do you want him to feel attacked and I think that by continuing it now, that's the only outcome. I'll tell you the same thing that I and many others told the other parent in the thread above; encourage him, tell him you love him. Be there for him if he wants to talk. He needs space and time so he can figure it out.

 

When you said that you were concerned for your son contracting diseases from being gay; just look up at the main menu, click "Resources" and then a new menu will open up. Click "Health." And you will find information meant for the older members of E.C.