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Struggling to see way ahead after coming out to wife

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Highlander2, Oct 19, 2013.

  1. Highlander2

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    Thanks guys. It's still hard. There's not a day goes past without me thinking about how I have found myself in the place I am in in life. I think back to the nights I'd lie in bed and think about what it would be like to sleep with another man; to hold him or come home to him after work. I used to just think it was a fantasy - a dream that I'd never experience and, in truth, I'd never have made the conscious decision to break from my family on the 'off-chance' how I felt was real.

    Sometimes it takes something so compelling that you have no choice but to face what's there. And then deal with it. When your back is against the wall you have to do what's right for you. I figure it'll always find a way out if you try and force yourself into a way of life or make a choice that you know is, deep down, inherently not right for you.

    I'm just taking each day and week as I find it. Maybe in a few months I'll feel more able to start planning ahead a bit further. Until then - going with the flow is fine. :slight_smile:
     
  2. CyclingFan

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    "@Damien you're right. My wife and I are still very good (best?) friends. We're the ones that we each turn to when life is turning a bit crap and we just need to offload about stuff. That's hard at the same time though. It's just going to take time to redefine things, but at the moment it's good and it will take time."

    I can really relate to that. My wife and I are trying to navigate this exactly. We both want to have a good relationship with each other, and I do think of her as my best friend, and she likewise. It's tough though, as we've had to limit a little contact lately as we were a bit too together for a bit and it was too much. We talked once this week and are going to meet for brunch tomorrow, which is one of our favorite things to do.

    This is not a path that either of us thought we'd be going down, but why not treat it with love and compassion just like all the other of life's journeys we've spent with each other?

    Thanks for sharing, it has helped me out tremendously.
     
  3. Highlander2

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    What I find most hard is that the feeling I have for her - as someone who I care for and want to see happy - hasn't diminished. But there's a part of me that WILL NOT let me go back. It's the part of me that says "you know, I know how much you miss the fun times with her, the laughing and the 'family things' - but you're being true to yourself now. You've lived with this most of your life and now have the opportunity to be at ease with yourself. Yeah, it might've hurt others, but I'm making sure that you take care of you and that you look after yourself from now on"

    Like you this is a path I never imagined I'd be walking. It's as if it really is just one step at a time and see where it goes. To plan ahead and rush off on some personal mission, in my own head, would feel wrong, selfish and like I didn't care about her happiness or that of my family which I desperately do want to be happy and to be able for all of us to live happily in the future, albeit separately.
     
  4. CyclingFan

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    This is something I need to keep in mind as it's a bit raw for me still. And I think well, if maybe I'm not, that this is all just a mistake, that I can just go back and it'll all be ok. But I don't think is true, for as much as we've had fun together, there has been some other things that came in, and at least a good portion of that appears to be from my orientation. And I really did start to think, ok, we are good now, but what about as this continues, as I become more conflicted? It's why we decided we needed to end it.

    I just hope that we can still occasionally have fun together. I hope that this doesn't just cause more hurt. I guess I'm just trying to find some sort of balance, as crazy as that may seem. I hope we are not just prolonging the inevitable in a way that's ultimately more painful, or walking into some greater pain.

    Ultimately, I'd wish that we could both be positive influences on each other's lives, even if that means we have to go completely separate and never see each other. I would hope it doesn't have to come to that.
     
  5. Highlander2

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    Oh, I've thought that it was all just a bit of a mistake and that I somehow found myself in the situation where I kind-of-liked feeling the rough stubble of a man's face against mine as he kissed me, or sleeping with a guy...yeah it all just sort of happened and I must've just thought - "well, why not?" :/

    I relate to the whole 'emerging threat' part of my sexuality. It just began to grow stronger as time went on. Being attracted to someone of the same sex - and it being reciprocated - just messed my head up completely and really just triggered something inside and made me even more 'discontented' with my life as it was. I'm not saying it's a bed of roses now - but it's down to me to make it work now and there's nothing in my way really to prevent that.
     
  6. Highlander2

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    Today for some reason I'm feeling quite low. I'm missing the old life of family all being together. I'm feeling a bit discontented with everything. I've not really seen my guy that much this week. A couple of short meets but not spending good long time with each other. I'm feeling a lot of guilt as my wife is struggling a bit with things. She gets days when she just feels very lonely. I just feel crap and want to make things ok for her. It's times like that I just think how much easier it would be for her if I went back to the old family life. I wonder if I'd be able to shut it all away again. It's like having a split personality sometimes.

    Just feeling a bit down that's all. I'm tired too which won't help me. Always feel worse when I've not had good sleep.
     
  7. Highlander2

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  8. quietman702

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    Highlander I so wish I could say this or that to help or direct you, but I don't have that power even for myself. But one thing that I can do is encourage you to stand firm in what you've set out to do and reach out to us as often as needed. I would reach out to offer a hug or shoulder for you to lean on if it were possible.

    You are both grieving over what once was. It seems like when big changes come, there is that seminal moment that can be explosive. But then we are left with the new which is uncharted and unfamiliar and we long for the known, even if it may not be the best for you. I don't mean to sound trite but perhaps you might want to read the book by Elizabeth Kubler Ross' book the five stages of grief. If you're not a reader there are many pamphlets available that give the short version. Here's one short verson... The 5 Stages of Grief | Dr. Christina Hibbert
     
  9. bottomsup

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    Typed a whole massive post then deleted it.
    Feel for you, and thanks for being honest.
    With having kids, the aftermath is for the rest of your.life, so it needs addressing.
    We dont have sex, and dont know how long will last, but we love each other, and crucially we need each other.
    I need her to help me out of my shell, she can only help so far as its me making her help us split up. We are wide open to the various likley outcomes, heck I even occasionally even think would it be possible for me to leave at this, not that I have accepted myself a.bit.
    Yes one could, but only with being prepared to never have a m2m relationship, which is what I want. Sex easy to get, relationship not.
    So, having cone out to the world, and then retreated and gone into hibernation, its just an outward appearance for the benefit of others. The kids would be fine, so long as we got on.
    And what I did learn over the week of being out, was how muchnit hurt to let her cry and not console her. We were nearly over it
    gah..
    Anyhow, hoping that this has paved the way, and the path can be trodden a.bit more.firmly.next time, if (when) there is one.
    For now, we keep it the same, no sex, mutual masterbation thou.hmm...
    I work, she looks after the kids. She gets me pink toothbrushes and drops quipps often.
    I in turn cry on her sholder about my probs or the crushes at work etc... I dont know hoe she manages atall!
    Now.that we have both told each other that even if I am gay, and we do split up inmthe future we will stay and be together now. Youngest kid is only jsit two years old, and there's three kids in this house, indo it needs two parents really to hold it all together, although im quite usless when she is about as often let her lead, and we dont parent in the same style.
    ... Hmmm.. Anyhow, she helps me as a friend, in accepting myself, and reminds me and asks if im ok, if im in a denial point.
    It does of courseean that im.in a am I or aren't i point every day. But were both alive and healthy, and the kids need us.
    So have i given up? No, but tbh i have questioned if i should leave it, but no, so t do that. But having fails once may make it impossible to do in future, or easier? Heck will just have to tell you wheni have the answer on that one!
    I want to be greedy, im a wimp

    ---------- Post added 19th Sep 2014 at 02:21 PM ----------

    And I want it all..
    I want to be able to walk in here and stay if I want and go to my boyfriends (not got one) if If she is ok with that is that moraly ok? Or would that be me trapping her into wasting her life with me? ... Anyhow...
    Totally scared of being alone, fine to split up and everything if it works out, but if not i would be placing myself in a dangerous place for meentally, and dont want to push my luck to far!
    Its been a learning year.. And have gone knowwhere! Lol.
    I had such bad denial that i fear for my mental and physical health ifnit went wrong, i would not be able to cope without close support. So

    Am hoping that we drift there slwoley.
    .. But "time stands still for man" as my dad used to say...

    ---------- Post added 19th Sep 2014 at 02:30 PM ----------

    Ahem, after posting all that, I feel much better and full of confidence that the future will work out. (or do I?gawd shussh) lol
     
  10. bottomsup

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    Ach, I was going to edit and copy and delete to move all this. Is not relevant?
    Anyhow, we might move to the capitol city, more dreams...
     
  11. Highlander2

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    So things are back on a reasonably even keen again with my wife. It's hard, but I just need to keep focusing on being there for her and my kids and being the reassuring strength that I promised to be to them all.

    Spent some good quality time with my guy the other day - we went away for a couple of days into the country. Nice country walks, local pub, good food, great night time :slight_smile:

    So four months or so I've been seeing him. Still feel good about spending time with him; enjoy making plans to go to the movies or out for meals or away for short breaks. I don't feel like we're living in each others pockets and we give each other space which is nice too.

    I just feel really relaxed with him - I don't feel the need to try and be someone I'm not with him. And I'm really comfortable being with him, and people we meet knowing we are together as a couple rather than just 'friends' :slight_smile:
     
  12. ukguy

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    Hi Highlander - have been re-reading some of your posts. The thing that happened to you with that guy when you were moving out? - well the same thing has just happened to me. The guy that I thought was genuine and wanted to be with me now says that he doesnt know if and when he will leave his current partner. Really feel let down, messed about and generally led down the proverbial garden path. Think it was just an affair for him or something but for me it was more than that. S**t
     
  13. Highlander2

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    (&&&)Ukguy I know the feeling well. I still feel hurt when I think about it. That's over five months since it all ended. I think I was just a bit of comfort and security and yeah maybe he did care about me but clearly not enough. I think I'm over him and then every now and again it just hits me again. Look after yourself and care for yourself. I found I needed to proverbially wrap my own arms around myself for a bit and pick myself up. Friends were great at boosting my confidence afterwards.

    Feel angry but try and move on. It's hard. Really hard. But I keep thinking - it is SO his loss. I'm moving on and I don't need him. He's not worth my emotion and care and he is welcome to his current life. There's no way I'd be happy in a relationship with him now.

    Keep your chin up mate (&&&)
     
  14. ukguy

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    Hi- thank for the post.much appreciated.this has been a first gay relationship and to see it end like this is so disappointing. I really thought it might go somewhere. Having said that I was picking up signals from him that he wouldn't be committed enough to do it.
     
  15. ukguy

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    Hi - me again. I have been literally on the point of moving out. It was only this week that he and I were looking at possible places we could into either together or singly - why was he even having those conversations with me for f**ks sake! The signs have been there for a while but after he came back from holiday in Sept he seemed quite different, very positive and up for it - and I believed him. We are ending it all by text too - such a naff, soulless way of doing it. Want to see him but I dont think he will see me - maybe for fear of what I will say. This guy is not very strong I have decided and is simply taking the easy option by staying with his partner of 10 years despite telling me he is not in love with him and doesnt want sex with him either - but the ties are there nonetheless. Dont know where I go from here. Im 56 and worry about finding someone else....
     
  16. Highlander2

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    It's funny in a way. The guy - and this in itself seems odd to describe it as this - I 'was with' (because despite telling me he loved me, felt secure with me, and was so glad he found me) kept telling me he wasn't in a relationship with me. Which was fine, up to a point. But then planning and booking a holiday with me two weeks before the whole thing just crumbled apart, seems to be the way out some people will take. I so wanted to meet him and get some answers to questions I had. And, sometimes, I still do. Sometimes I want to make him absolutely squirm and wriggle with embarrassment. And then just walk away from him. Because the longer I have been away from him, the more I see the inherent flaws and faults with him. It doesn't change how I felt about him, and how I probably could still feel about him if I allowed myself to drift into thinking I could change him, he'd change, I'd be enough for him, he'd not want an 'open relationship' with me like he did with every other bf he had (hmmm, cake and eating it springs to mind).

    My attitude with him has been: I'll show you. F**k me over like that? Lead me along and then be sorry for 'hurting' me (understatement - but there's a massive piece of anger at myself in there too for allowing myself to be taken in and falling for him). The best way I have of making him see exactly what he has let go, is by letting him see exactly what he has allowed to walk away from him. And you know something? If he came back to me and begged me to let him try again - right now, wild horses couldn't drag me back to him. I'm with a guy who is genuine, caring, funny and kind. I don't need the constant suspicion: who's that texting him, which hook up site is he looking at, who's he off meeting, who's the 'old friend' he's telling me about meeting today or is it just another 'guy' he's picked up last week. When I look back I see how blind I must've been to not see what he was doing. There's no way I'd go back to that.

    This guy you were with is not in a place right now where he can trust enough to take the step. You have so much to give - don't waste it on someone who cannot see this and want to act positively to be with you. In time he might. But don't stand still for him. If he's too late, he's too late.
     
    #216 Highlander2, Oct 18, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2014
  17. Highlander2

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    A year ago today I posted the above here. I was in such a dark place. The world just seemed to be ending around me and it felt like I was stuck in the eye of a storm - safe as long as I didn't move. So many of you have posted words of advice, encouragement and support over the last year. The headline to this thread - struggling to see way ahead - now has a different context. I am totally at ease being out to anyone. I love spending time with my bf (and not the guy that I fell for a year ago!) - four months now guys and I am missing him so much since he's gone away with work for a fortnight. The future, although I have no idea what it might look like, it's almost exciting re-starting my life again and having the opportunity to re-shape it any way I want it to look. I still have an amazing pair of kids who are so resilient and have just taken everything in their stride. My wife is so good and I will continue to support her to find her feet and make sure she and the kids are protected and safe. We can still do things together as a family, and there will always be difficult times but I know that by acting with integrity and love it will be okay. I am so lucky. So lucky. Others can only imagine have such an existence and I know that not everyone can do what I have done and still feel able to live authentically. But I am now far more confident in myself and who I am. It feels incredibly liberating.

    The next year? Press on with my job - it's taken a bit of a back seat with everything else going on! - get myself financially secure, a place to live that's my own, and actively enjoy my life. You only get one of them. (&&&)

    Think it's time to close this thread off - I'm not struggling to come to terms with this anymore. The way forward might be rocky, different and a totally unknown, but it's down to me to make the difference and the change happen. Whatever happens, I'll know that it generally is up to me to influence the course of my life - no-one else.
     
  18. OnTheHighway

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    Congrats on the coming to this point in your journey! Glad to see your reach a place of peace within yourself. Your journey stated in a similar period as mine, amazing how it evolves from the initial days to today.
     
  19. ukguy

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    Congrats from me. The life you are making for yourself is the kind of life I want too...
     
  20. Spaceman

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    Congratulations highlander. October is also the one year mark for me and it's hard to believe how much change and personal growth can happen in that amount of time. Nothing can beat living your life on your own terms. Kudos to you for coming so far.