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Struggling to see way ahead after coming out to wife

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Highlander2, Oct 19, 2013.

  1. Weston

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    I dunno, GW — that article just makes me long for the other man, the one who loves me less.:icon_sad:
     
  2. Highlander2

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    greatwhale, thanks for the link. I've read it, and the comments!

    I don't want to have the 'man who loves me more'. I want to love equally. I don't want to have a 'creeping sense of boredom' or worse, a sense that I have settled for second place. Right now, I don't have any of that. But I'm not sure that I can forget the chemistry, the feelings I had and still have for 'him'.

    We met for coffee a couple of weeks ago at lunchtime. To talk. To try and set some rules for work as it's become obvious to me, and I think to another guy at work, that 'he' is into me. The other guy won't know the history though.

    After coffee we walked back to work and into the elevator and we were talking, there was a pause and he just reached over, put his hand behind my head and reached in and kissed me. The doors opened and he walked back out into the office. Was I outraged; was I angry, was I violated? Yes, he stepped too far - there were no come on's from me - I had tried the whole 'we can be friends' but I have a bf, etc. He seemed to accept that over coffee. He was very honest when we spoke about what his life has been like this last year or so, certainly after things between us ended. Lots of dates, lots of meeting guys who fell short of expectations. He has sent me messages telling me that he still feels very strong feelings for me, but won't make a move on me (before the kiss) as I have a bf. Hmmm. Not sure what that's meant to signify. But the thing was, when he kissed me it just brought all the emotions I have locked away, flooding back. It was a split second kiss, but the feeling of his lips on mine, just made me feel light headed. Tragic, I know.

    I can't avoid him at work - we work in the same office space - and it's not uncomfortable when i see him. But when we do see each other I can feel everything I felt before, and he's happily told me he does too. He does work out of the office a lot, so he's away frequently which helps.

    The article seemed to sum up the situation I am finding myself in. I get attention from guys a lot; I'm flattered, but I am just not interested in messing about behind my bf's back. I enjoy the time I am with him, we enjoy each other physically, but I don't have the fire of passion. I like him, but I'm starting to feel afraid that although we're still physical with each other, I'm feeling like I can't see me spending the rest of my life with him and him fulfilling everything that I want.

    There's a massive part of me that feels that I left my wife and kids to live this life as a gay man; that settling into a life with a man is what I want, but I've experienced the passion and chemistry that this can bring and this is something that I want in my life. While I enjoy my bf's company, it feels like it's almost a bit like my marriage was - happy to drift along, feel not just quite complete, almost routine or mundane.

    Jesus, sorry guys, you'd think after EVERYTHING i've been through and done in the last year and a half I'd be happy now.

    Only I can find the right answer. 'He' might not be the answer. My bf might not be the right answer. I want to make things work well with my bf, but 'he' and the thought of him and being with him eat away inside my head. 'He' is like a drug; he tells me that he has very strong feelings for me - but WTF does that mean!? He wants to F--- me, that's what. And, what happens after that, when he's on Gr--dr or 'chatting' to some guy he's been messaging randomly?

    See, when I type these things it just SCREAMS at me....no!!!!

    I'm just thinking out loud.
     
  3. quietman702

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    Higlander thanks for sharing your heart with us. I'm inadequate to give you any guidance. Sending light to show you the way and love that no matter what you decide it will be ok.
     
    #243 quietman702, Mar 7, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2015
  4. Weston

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    I don't know that I have any useful advice for you, Highlander, other than to tell you you've got company. The difference is, I've seen my ex only twice since the breakup, the first by accident and the second because I "engineered" it. It's getting toward a year out, but I still think of him every day, almost as soon as I get up in the morning and again just before sleep. Both of us are in monogamish relationships with other guys. I don't know how committed he is to his partner, nor whether he still has any feelings left for me, but I know my feelings for him have not lessened. I like my own current partner well enough, but I don't love him, and I don't think I ever will. We've talked about it, and he seems happy enough with the arrangement as is; otherwise, from my perspective, we'd have to end it. There are all sorts of reasons why, if I were ever to get back together with my ex, it might not work out (the biggest being that we've never actually lived together). But given the chance, I don't think I'd hesitate for a second.
     
  5. Highlander2

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    Weston, I know how this feels. There is not a day goes by that I don't think of 'him'. I know that he still has very strong feelings for me. I know that he finds it difficult being around me at work - clearly before he made the move he did. I remember us early last year trying to 'just be friends' and it lasting until the end of the evening and him being unable to control himself and just kissing me apologising, telling me 'I just can't stop myself'.

    When two people feel like this about each other, is it just lust? How long does 'lust' last? Jeez, the fact that we both still feel like this about each other, nearly two years after first meeting each other, must mean something? But, it could just be that we're attracted to each other, but actually 'being in a relationship' might be difficult. I don't know.

    I don't know what I'm waiting for. Things with my bf are okay just now. There's little irritations - like him correcting me with various things when we're out, sometimes not listening to what I'm saying, and sometimes making me feel like i'm just being dumb when I say something that's my opinion on something - BUT - we have good times together and there's nothing right now that's going to make me walk away from him.

    But. 'Him' being around makes me feel like it's just a matter of time. I am still in love with him - and I think he knows this. Whether he is 'in love' with me, he's only let that slip once or twice in the past, but he has told me that before. He's been open and honest with how he feels, but I would need to see much more evidence that he'd settled on me, rather than it just be a roll in the sack for a few months before I was roundly sidelined for another younger model. I'm not sure what he can do to prove that to me.

    I think that's the hardest thing - that I am still in love with him, but I'm not 'in love' with my bf - I really like him, he's good to hang out with and he's cute and we generally get on. But, I know what that feeling is like, to feel 'in love' with someone. I didn't even feel 'in love' with my wife, although I did (and still do) love her. So even though I feel the way I do about my bf, there's a feeling of something missing, of something that I know I'm capable of feeling and I do want that feeling when I'm with someone. I gave up a life that was 'contented', 'stable' and routine when I made the decision that I needed to acknowledge myself. While I feel there's nothing more that I want to feel complete than being with a man, there's a part of me that wants someone who fits with me.

    Sorry, this is just another 'speaking my thoughts' post.
     
  6. Weston

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    This is exactly how I feel. Before I met my ex, I had no idea to what extent I was capable of experiencing great emotion. I loved my wife but was vaguely aware that the degree or quality of my love for her was not the equal of hers for me. I attributed that to my being a man: I thought that women were emotional and men, practical. To say I was gobsmacked when I discovered how wrong I was is an understatement. My entire sense of being was destroyed, and in the end, I could not not come out.

    After my relationship with my ex ended, a number of gay friends counseled me. They said that what I had experienced was a kind of adolescent love — a crush, if you will — that most people experience in middle school, and that although I was 63 in chronological terms, I was more like 16 in my (gay) emotional development. They also said I'd likely never again experience such a deep emotional attachment to a man because I will have matured by the time another opportunity arises.

    I try to see that as comforting, and sometimes it is. But the kind of love I felt — we felt — is like crack cocaine (at least by reputation): having tasted it, I don't want to settle for anything less. I'm hoping that with time, this desire will lessen, but I'm not convinced it will. So there's really not much more that I can do, other than let things play out. In the meantime, I'm concentrating on creating a life for myself, independent of anyone else, that someone, somewhere, will someday want to share.

    Speaking of sharing, I'd like to share something I found on the internet soon after I came out, ironically while searching for something — anything — that would be of comfort to my wife. It's from an Amazon.com reader's review of Amity Buxton's book for straight spouses "Unseen—Unheard":

    "Something that remains surprising is that many of these men and women can participate in seemingly enjoyable sex with their spouses and even express *a form* of intense love towards them, but one day they discover outside their marital bond that they are fully completed with a person of their own gender; the sex and and intimacy they experience for their own gender appears blissful by comparison, and when they fall in love it transcends what they came to know in their marital domain as well as all prior intimate relations with opposite gender partners. When that discovery is made, it is as though their emotions and sexuality after being blurred for years come into a razor sharp focus and the shadows cast on the wall of their existential caves suddenly reveal themselves as a blinding source of light exposing their true nature in full color. Needless to say, this then precipitates a series of events leading to a breakup, a phenomena that has been observed in over 93% of cases." (my bold)
     
  7. bottomsup

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    Well, my emotions are most certainly razor sharp thats for sure!
    I have a well developed crush love, which has yet to be satisfied.
    nothing from my life comes close to it, but am wary of pursuing it to far, but will keep talking, and hope that it works out.
    All the best to you highlander!
     
  8. quietman702

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  9. Highlander2

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    I just wanted to round off this thread. It's been almost two years since I posted the title 'struggling to see way ahead' and all the posts since then, shine a light on just how traumatic (not realising it at the time JUST how traumatic) it has been.

    But two years later and my ex has met someone and has been dating him for a few months now. They get on well and he's a decent guy. My kids like him, but aren't yet aware of his 'status' in her life, but that's cool. I'm glad she is very happy. We still see and talk to each other most days. We are like best friends - we tell each other things, our worries, and just seem to know what the other is worried about. I still love her as the mother of my kids and also someone I spent half my life with.

    Life is going well with my bf. I am so in love with him, and love planning what we're doing next in our life. I love him, and this feeling just crept up on me. He is everything that I want. I really feel that I have found someone that respects and loves me. I feel really happy and I know he feels very happy too. His friends have commented to me just how happy he has been and they put that down to me being in his life. That feels good too.

    I have moved on so much. I realise what is important to me, what is important to my bf, and my kids. They love him and he is very good with them. We are building the blocks of a good relationship and it feels amazing.

    I never imagined my life would turn out the way it has. I could never and would never have planned to do things this way. But it happened. Now I can say that I love being a gay man, in a relationship with another man, and feel hugely proud when he gives me a kiss goodbye in the street, that I am living an authentic life.
     
  10. Weston

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    With some significant differences — older, kids grown, still living in the same house with my wife — your story is my story. So happy for you and wishing you continued happiness in your life!
     
  11. TeaTree

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    Wow, this sounds so inspiring! So happy for you, thanks for sharing :slight_smile: