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Struggling to see way ahead after coming out to wife

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Highlander2, Oct 19, 2013.

  1. Casper22

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    Good on you Highlander! You stuck through the difficult times and stayed true to yourself! I am so happy to hear that things are really working out for you :slight_smile:
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    Delighted to read your latest posting Highlander. It's been a journey for you, but look at where you are now. I guess you finally 'arrived'?

    Hope you will stick around. Your story has inspired so many and your experience will be invaluable to others on a similar journey.

    Many good wishes.
     
  3. ukguy

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    Hi Highlander2 - following in your footsteps?

    Since I posted and you replied - have had contact with this guy. He says he feels he cannot leave his partner of 10 years because of guilt mainly and yet doesnt really want to be with him either. Not much of a basis for a relationship is it? unless he falls back in love with him I suppose. It has been me doing all the texting and asking to meet - fed up with it now. I suppose I feel anxious about losing the only gay relationship I have had but this does not seem to be going anywhere. He seems completely stressed out by the whole situation (which I was too not that long ago) - perhaps it is his turn to get his act together and I just need to back off.....
     
  4. Salco127

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    Good evening! Like others in the thread, so much of what you experienced has resonated with me in my own story. Even down to the timing and wanting to wait until after the holidays to separate. The similarities are just uncanny. From across the pond, you have no idea what your experience has taught me and the encouragement it has given me. Please do not close this thread. Your continuing to update trough the past few months has drawn me to your story even more. And like the famed, now deceased, radio personality Paul Harvey said "and now, the rest of the story". Please allow us who are still trampling through the mire to hear from you to help is navigate our own lives. Thanks for sharing!
     
  5. Highlander2

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    @ukguy - I agree with what you are saying. You need to let him see that you don't need to be needed. I know that will be hard - believe me I know just how hard that is. But if he's not ready to move on, nothing you can do will get him to a place where he himself believes it's the right time. Only he can do that and if he's not prepared to do it now, he's not in the right place. For your own health and wellbeing you need to give yourself some space from him and start to see what else and who else is out there. Not necessarily relationships, but just getting to meet other people and focus on others rather than him.

    @salco127 - I've read your original post and I know exactly how you feel. It's a terrible place to be in. To have the love of a woman and children who are devoted to you but to feel that how you feel towards her is different. Life goes on my friend. It hasn't been easy. My wife still has terrible black days and hopelessness at times. I hate to see what I've done, but I can't shy away from the change in feelings I had for guys and the overwhelming desires I had that just became too much for me.

    Where I am now, I know some people can only dream of getting to. I suppose the reason for thinking of closing off the thread is that I don't want it to seem that I'm somehow bragging about what I've done and how things have 'all worked out' (they haven't!) perfectly. But it's the best situation I could've hoped for in the circumstances. It's a lonely road you walk - and I understand what you say about gay guys and promiscuity. But at the end of the day, you don't need to be like that. Your values are important - as are mine - and everyone is free to live by theirs. What is right for one person isn't necessarily right for another.

    I have a really great bf. He is kind and thoughtful, but at the same time not mushy ( :grin: ), we get on well and compromise on things. Five months we've been seeing each other and it's still going well. I look at him and when I waken next to him, holding him or pressed against him I completely understand that it feels like the most natural thing in the world to be there with another man. Does this stop me feeling guilty about my wife? Absolutely not. I still feel guilt. I feel guilt when I'm lying next to him at night knowing that she is in a bed alone. When I leave the house after visiting, I feel guilt that she's there alone at night. But I need to move on. I want to be supportive, caring and 'present' in their lives. But I also need to live this new life too at the same time.

    I hope you find a way through these difficult days. One thing I found is that nothing will be the same again. You can't go back and unlearn what you now know and what she now knows. It's about finding a way ahead that you are both happy with and that you can both 'live with'.
     
  6. Salco127

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    Highlander, thank you so much for responding! You know how you get when you read a really good novel and at the end you feel a loss because the book is over? That's how I felt reading this thread. Ha! So, to have you respond to me means a lot. Especially from across the pond. I love all things British. For me personally, I've not taken your thread as gloating. I've gained a great sense of encouragement from reading the good, the bad, the struggles and the accomplishments on how your life is going. I hope to one day soon find exactly what your experiencing with another man.
     
  7. Highlander2

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    Hi guys - the posts seem to be stretching out just now. It's not deliberate!

    Things are still going well. That's us almost at the 6 month mark and I've not got fed up of him yet so that's positive. He's planning what to get me for Christmas and he's loving the whole thing. We're heading to mainland Europe for a few days in the new year and it's a surprise for him where we're going. Just still enjoying the time we spend together either eating out, going to the movies or just having time to ourselves.

    Have seen 'him' a couple of times through work. It's been fine and we both just laugh and joke and to everyone else we're just getting along fine. The hard thing - and this is the bit that I need to keep checking myself on - is that I am still attracted to him. He is just so cute BUT he is a total narcissist - but there's just something magnetic about him. I just keep reminding myself that he's a messed up guy who is totally unreliable, caused me misery (and happiness) in large doses and contributed (if not caused) me to practically end up depressed and miserable.

    Christmas will be odd this year - the first year I've not been in the family home - but will spend time with the kids on Christmas day and the family. My ex wife and I still have our moments where we could happily kill each other, but these are becoming less and less frequent. Hoping to move from the rented apartment soon and get my own place closer to the kids which would be great to see them even more often than I do.
     
  8. PatrickUK

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    It's great to read these updates Highlander and I'm so pleased everything is going well for you. I guess the only fly in the ointment is 'him', but you seem to have it sussed. Just keep in mind what happened when you see him and you'll be able to maintain the necessary distance.

    Enjoy the trip abroad and if I don't catch your postings beforehand, I hope you have a nice Christmas Day with your kids. :thumbsup:
     
  9. Highlander2

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    So it's nearly Christmas. This year it's spending it with my wife (what do I call her now that I'm legally separated...?) and kids, and the extended family of nieces, nephews and in-laws. It should be ok. My bf is away so won't see him on the day :frowning2:

    Sitting here waiting for him to arrive and looking forward to the weekend and spending time together before he goes away.

    I look back at a year ago and the pent up misery and sadness that surrounded me during the week before Christmas. How much has changed since then for all of us.

    It's a time for me to look back and see how far I've come, what's changed, the people who are no longer significant in my life any more, the constants who are important to me (my kids and my wife), and those who have come not my life (my bf). I'm moving into a place of my own next year rather than a rented apartment, closer to the kids and I'm looking forward to putting down roots in a place of my own. Making somewhere my own again and establishing myself as a single man, albeit with a bf, close to my family, and living an honest life with integrity.

    I know I say this, but not often enough, thanks to everyone who has given me what, at times has felt like life saving advice, support and guidance. You are all so wonderfully supportive, great listeners and good friends even out in the virtual world.

    :slight_smile:
     
  10. ukguy

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    A Belated Happy New Year too you Highlander2. Your advice before Xmas about backing off was good advice. I am more distant with this guy and have started to look around. He tells me that, financially, he is going to stay where he is for at least another year but there are other ties there with his partner - guilt ones for a start. But..he still wants me and he is the one doing all the texting now and asking to meet. In the meantime I have started an on-line conversation with a young guy in his mid-30s who lives some distance away. Going to see him soon. I find myself falling for him on-line (oops) - which I didnt think one could do. Really excited about meeting him soon. At last it feels like I am turning a corner and becoming a gay man who is looking for dates with other guys and isnt dependent on the one real relationship I have had so far. Still cohabiting with my wife - but she is becoming more matter-of-fact about it all.
     
  11. Highlander2

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    Hi everyone. A bit of an update on things. Things are still good with my bf and I. We're heading off on holiday for a few days in the next month or so and we enjoy spending time together.

    But. I've found an emerging problem. I really like my bf. He's a genuine trustworthy man. He's got a good well built body and he's not lacking physically. I don't think that I'm "in love" with him but I do care about him and enjoy our time together. I'm attracted to him and have no problems with our physical relationship.

    But. "He" and I have seen each other through work. It's been obvious on his part that he is attracted to me. He's been fairly clear that he finds it hard being around me feeling what he does for me. He's told me that he can't help feeling this way and he's made it very clear that he has very strong feelings for me.

    The problem is despite everything that's happened I am still in love with him. He feels like a drug when I'm around him and I get butterflies when I'm near him. His look just makes me feel light headed. The physical side of him and me was intense and it feels like a fires been lit inside me again.

    I am so afraid of how I feel. I can't avoid him at work. I work in a small firm so it is impossible to totally avoid him without making it obvious. There is not a day where I don't think about him at some point in some way. He has a beautiful body and is good looking. And underneath the exterior he is a nice guy however I've been burned badly by him in the past. So hurt by him that I don't want to throw away what I have with my bf on a chance that things would work out. But my bf doesn't trigger in me what he did and still does well over 18 months after starting to see him. It's almost 9 months since I was with him but he still manages to do it to me.

    I know that I've got a choice. I don't want to be in this position again. I think that at times he just wants what he cant have and chases until he gets it. We have amazing chemistry between us still but I've managed to bury how I've felt to protect myself. The last couple of days and his messages have just started me doubting everything again. But he's a risk. A big risk and there's a big part of me that doesn't want to take it.

    But what if I let him go and he really was the One.
     
  12. tscott

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    "Lord, what fools these mortals be." laughs Puck in A Midsummer's Night's Dream. Sorry, I don't mean to make light of your situation, but it seems foolish to me to go back to a failed relationship no matter how much he physically rocks your world. Believe me I am not knocking "chemistry", but it's just that. "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me." What makes you think that this leopard can change his spots or that you can change them for him (sorry for using these tired clichés). What you're feeling doesn't so much sound like love as it does infatuation. Loving what might be with no guarantees.

    He very well be a "nice" guy. Have you talked this out with your bf or a therapist? As hard as this may sound, I'd file him under bittersweet memories and move on. easier said than done. His pursuit is boarder-lining on harassment. You need to move on and then make it clear you've moved otherwise he's going to break your heart again.

    Do yourself a big favor and watch movie, The Holiday especially the Kate Winslet character's story. You're going to see yourself in it, and what this guy is doing to you.

    Take a deep breath and exhale. Write down the positives and the negatives of both beaux and see where it takes you. I 'm out of suggestions. I just don't want you to end up getting hurt, when it's already happened before.
     
  13. arturoenrico

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    My situation is so odd. I was out of the closet from the age of 19 until I got engaged to my wife at 32. When I met my wife, I was identified as gay. We became great friends. I always had close friendships with women; I always loved women and still do but not as sexual partners, particularly. So after getting closer and closer, my wife and I became sexually intimate and we decided that really I was bi-sexual and not gay. We then started on our journey in hetero-typicality. Successful careers for both of us, house in the suburbs, two great kids, involvement in the community (heck, I was even on the school board for 2 years!), went to tons of soccer games baseball, softball, basketball, shows etc. Everything we did was kid based. Then I started to lose interest in sex and my wife began to question by sexuality incessantly. "Maybe you're really gay." Over and over. Finally, I said, " I think I'm gay" ; then I said "I'm gay." Then she said, "leave." I did.

    But, I thought we had an unspoken agreement. My wife knew I was gay when we met. She loved me and knew I was never a sex fiend. It worked for her too because she always felt threatened by men due to extremely bad experiences with them growing up. So then she forgot???? Why start plaguing me after 24 years? Now we are both unhappy and lonely.
     
  14. Wildside

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    I'm so sorry :cry:
     
  15. Highlander2

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    Thanks Tim. I've seen the film. The funny thing is it wasn't that long ago and it was with my wife! I have to say when I watched it I immediately saw "him" and me in her character and hugh grants. I met him the other night for coffee at his place. I try and keep things on an even keel. I wanted to talk about how we both felt about each other and move things on. He was clear about how he felt. At one point we were laughing and he just moved straight in and kissed me. It brought everything rushing back to me. There's a big part of me screaming to be careful that he's a risk that I do not need and there are lots of drawbacks to him. I'd live constantly thinking he was being unfaithful. But how do I turn off how I feel about him. I care so much for my bf but when I compare the feelings they both give me they are both very different. I still want to be friends with "him" but I am struggling to see how that's going to be possible now without making it emotionally difficult for both of us. I won't cheat. That is totally off limits and goes against everything I believe in.
     
  16. PatrickUK

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    Sometimes we have to see the good thing we have already got and recognise the strength and stability it brings to our lives, then view it against the risk and uncertainty we may experience by following our feelings and desires. Do we risk or sacrifice what is real and tangible for something that offers more questions than answers. Food for thought.. only you can make the decision Highlander.

    What is more important to you right now? Could you handle another rollercoaster of emotions?
     
  17. skiff

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    Hi,

    This may or may not help...

    About 27 years ago my ex partner broke up with me after 16 years. He simply said "i am not gay", the truth was pressure from his mom. We remained friends but really only chatted on the phone.

    It is now today, 27 years later. I feel like he is keeping me "in the wings" just in case. He is out now, even has a partner, BUT he calls me late at night to chat. I wish he would really just leave me alone. I am not in his wing waiting, and the past is long gone.

    I feel as if I have grown and he has not.

    Part of me still loves him but I am tired of that old wound being picked at.

    Can you relate to those feelings?

    Tom
     
  18. GayDadStr8Marig

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    Greetings, Highlander! Since your story was the first thing that drew me into EC I try to check in occasionally for updates, and whew quite the update this month!

    I think I'll have to reinforce what Tim said... "he" sounds like your Mr. "Right Now", not necessarily your Mr. "Right". Is your BF your Mr. "Right"...? Maybe, maybe not; only you'll know in time. The danger with "him" beyond a repeated heartbreak down the line, is by opening yourself up to his game (for lack of a better term, who knows he may well be interested in resuming things with you -- for now) you could be inserting trouble in your relationship with your BF. Regardless of what your intentions are, your BF may not be very understanding of you ringing up the ex who broke your heart.

    Besides, the physical attraction will only get you so far, and his relationship skills are demonstrably lacking, so beyond possibly awesome sex is there really a likelihood of you guys having a real loving relationship again? Do people really change, or just change their tactics and costumes? He strung you along once before and stomped on your heart when it suited him. Personally, I couldn't trust someone like that, and if I can't trust someone I can't be intimate with them.

    I'm sure you're already thinking about all sorts of things pro and con with both of these guys. Yes, listen to your heart, but never forget to temper the emotions with your head. Best wishes for you regardless of how this unfolds.

    BTW, how's things going between you and your (ex?)-wife and kids now that you've been out and out of the house for a good while?
     
  19. Highlander2

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    Guys thanks. You help shine light on things. It's really complicated and she i stop and think about how he was the last time I would be terrified that the same would happen again. I'm not sure what he could do to convince me his feelings for me are genuine. He tells me they are but I do have the thought that he just wants what he can't have and part of the attraction is the chase.

    I have a loving stable and great bf. He gives me stability and love. Does he set me on fire like him? Not in the same way but I it just feels different and more secure. I don't worry that he's being unfaithful to me. I trust him completely. That's important for me. I don't know that I can say the same for him.

    I've told him I'm with my bf and he accepts that but it's going to make things tense between us. Recently it's been a lot of sexual tension there. I can't help it and clearly neither can he but I will just need to push that out and away.

    Why is life so difficult? :slight_smile:
     
  20. greatwhale

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