Porn addiction and sexual confusion?

My situation escalated a lot. Now I have a terrible mental/emotional hangover. Not sure if I even feel like struggling anymore. I did contact a friend, and I am getting plugged in with an actual psycologist who deals with sexual issues and addiction. I've tried and failed repeatedly on my own, just like when I was active in my alcoholism. I haven't felt so low since the end of my active drinking. I hope I dont keep digging for a deeper bottom. Shame is a helluvah feeling, holy shit.

 

@ Jim, thanks man for all your sound advice. You've been awesome. With drinking, I experienced painful consequence after painful consequence. I did everything that I possibly could to keep drinking and still make life work. My world shrank into this tiny little pit of loneliness and basically mental anguish. I tried to fix myself in every way I could. I quit hanging around people "who were trouble", gave up drugs and just drank, isolated at home for fear of another DUI, and basically avoided all people. (Looking back, I used a whole lotta porn too). I ended up having a serious consequence despite all my attempts to avoid them. I basically realized I was running my life down the drain, I would never amount to anything, I would be a waste, and life would hurt every moment from then on. It sounds dramatic but thats what it took. I got sober. God literally saved me. I went into AA, and not for the first time. I fell in love with the program, the fellowship, and with God. My life completely changed. (Was still using porn, but one monster at a time).
After 18 months, very active in AA and the healthiest I'd ever been I met my gf. She is also recovering and had nearly 2 years then. I had never had a real adult relationship, I was so scared, afraid I could not handle the intimacy, afraid my heart would break, afraid I would drink. We are together today, its been 2 years. We are both still sober. But I am just a miserable excuse for a man, and a recovering person. I cannot go to meetings and talk about being honest, when I'm not. I cant speak of growing spiritually when I fear God's will, and my future. I cannot claim to be happy, joyous, and free anymore. I cannot stand seeing friends whose lives are getting better, and I feel I'm falling off another cliff. I seriously considered getting drunk...and more than once. I've been to the liquor store parking lot several times, crying, wondering how I could ever hate myself this much..Again! My sponsor doesn't get it, he doesnt understand what I'm going through. The thought of turning out gay, having my whole life turned upside down, losing my girl, being constantly filled with shame. He asked me "why don't you just stop looking at the Damn porn"?! Sounds very familiar....
Anyways, I hit a low like no other this past weekend. I ended up back on my knees, begging God to help me, filled with shame like no other. Honestly, i cant remember if my last day drunk was that bad or not. This time I was able to feel it all. So, I called a friend who works the SAA (sex addicts annonymous) program and AA. He has been sober a number of years in both. I just cried like a baby to him on the phone, he knows how that is. I am going to visit a therapist who specializes in the treatment of sex addicts and people with sexuality issues (GLBT). I hope I can suck it up and face myself, I just want to feel like a human being again.
Well, thank you for letting me poor my heart out..again. This is abit of my story, but it is still vefy early. Thanks Yall, and if you think I could evef be of service please let me know.

 

Hey all, I haven't been here in awhile..and a lot has changed. I am now single, which kinda sucked when it happened but I think it is for the best. I quit going to SA meetings and seeing the shrink and I moved overseas for the past 6 months, about to return to Florida. I have been chatting with a few older guys and I look forward to experimenting. My porn use is still there but not as bad. I think a lot of my pain was being with someone, and wanting it to work. I didn't want to be into the gay stuff..I just couldn't help it. I am still not romantically digging men..but sexually older guys do it for me better than anyone else. I've accepted that, feels good to have some more peace.