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Porn addiction and sexual confusion?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by localfwbguy, Jan 25, 2013.

  1. localfwbguy

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    Hey people, hope your well. Basically looking for a little feedback in regards to something I am dealing with in my life. I am 23 and have been using porn for at least 10 years, my first exposure was much younger. When I first started, I was into erotic stories. I found the ones about older men and young women/girls to be very arousing. Not long after, I saw some grown men on cam. This led me to a mature male website and I got involved in cam and porn with older men, much older, 45+ exclusively. So for years, despite a hetero identity and what I thought to be normal hetero desires
    , I viewed a lot of old men on cam and porn.
    I acted on the "fantasy" a handful of times, believing the reality would match the fantasy, but to no avail. I could not shake the guilty/dirty feeling. I was not comfortable with any intimacy, kissing, cuddling, etc. I wanted a robot like in porn. So now I'm in a hetero relationship, and I'm struggling. I have no romantic or emotional feelings for men besides brotherly love for some, but no sexual attractions to these men. I do however, view a lot of porn featuring old men. Mostly straight or bisexual MMF porn featuring mature men, younger women. I can't seem to stop despite wanting too. My sex life with my girl is not good right now. I experienced ED while trying to be intimate, my sexual confidence sucks, but to porn I get hard no problem. Also, I've been questioning my sexuality hardcore for many months now. I think I'm straight but was sexualized by old men online and pornography and now arouse to those visuals which really sucks. I have no desire to date said men, and have never fallen for a male romantically.

    Do you think porn has caused my sexual confusion? Even if I'm gay, bi, straight I need but cannot kick this habit! I've spent at least 5 hours porn viewing and edging for the past 3 days! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys n gals.
     
  2. salsal1974

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    Hi there, I am new to This site, I am female, 39 and not quite sure what I am, what I do know is that I too go through periods of porn, its so easy to view things and the feeling of self sex is well its really great! I view nice porn of couples then I can view girls and I get extremely turned on by both, I did kiss a girl when I was younger and in my early 30's I did more than just kiss, it gets me down having This hang over me, the only time I feel better about myself and manage to have a life is when I really try to not watch porn but the other day I taped it onto my phone from my laptop and I have watched This one woman quite a few times, it turns me on so much and I feel like I need help
     
  3. GayJay

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    I dont really much of an answer for you, but i can say im pretty much the same.
    I only watch gay porn, or 2 guy 1 girl think, but the girl is not really any interest. And i like the men to be at least 30 y/o.
    I can easilly get off to this, but have no actual desire to be with a boy, have sex with a guy. But a part of me is starting to think i might have just being ashamed of the gay stigma has stopped me exploring it properly.
    I date women, but prefer watching porn than getting actual sex most of the time.
    Maybe porn and your fantasys live up to more than your sex life. Maybe you are addicted to porn. Maybe you need to explore your desire for older men a little more thsn on the computer screen.

    I dunno dude, just trying to offet some input. Good luck anyway sure you,ll figure it out soon.
     
  4. PeteNJ

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    My thoughts -- 5 hours a day watching porn, that's a lot of energy and time spent in being in a virtual world. My advice -- spend at least some of that time doing something that will make you healthy and happy -- go to the gym, walk, spend time at the library, listen to music, volunteer someplace, get into counseling, find an lgbt support group, heck, find a gay bar to go to. Or clean your house, wash the car, clean out your closets, cook some great food.... you get the idea.

    4 months ago I was sliding deep into depression and doing lots of sh*t that wasn't exactly good for me, including porn. I started with a therapist. Hit a couple of lgbt support groups every week and Alanon groups, too. Started making gay friends.

    Along the way, I went from "my gay fantasies, interests, exploration must just be a phase" to "I am gay."

    A few weeks ago I suddenly realized, I was hardly ever looking at porn anymore. From hours a day, to maybe once a week, briefly.

    From 4 months ago to now I'm so much happier and better. I don't think that porn made me unhealthy or depressed at all. I think I spent so much time watching porn because I was unhappy and depressed.

    That's my experience. All the best and peace.
     
  5. lxlJDlxl

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    I wish I can post this anonymously. xD

    Okay, so I have been addicted to pornography since I was 13. It was because my friend found out that I have never masturbated ever since and never watched pornographic materials and kept on teasing me. So one day it did and it started the way you'd like.

    Like you, I was also struggling with porn addiction as a young, lad that when my guardian would go away for a whole day, I would spend it watching porn, mind you, I would open like 10 tabs all coming from different websites. And just recently, I got out of it.
    But the battle was not won easily. I battled it for like a year, searching about how to stop porn addiction while watching porn(Yes, it was kind of silly and ironic but true). Until just recently, I got out of it.

    So what stopped me from watching pornography was drawing myself deeper to Christ and this crush that I have with someone that I think has gotten deeper.
    Mate, I am not trying to preach but why won't you try to draw yourself deeper to Jesus Christ(If you are a Christian) or Allah? I think it would help. Just give it a try.

    And about this crush that I have for someone, it is quite a serious crush though that when I think of it, it just makes me stop my old habits. And become a better person for my crush.
     
  6. Crystal's Vaporeon

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    Actually I've been wondering for a while now if I'm addicted.... I've been watching/reading for for maybe a couple years now? I think I was in primary school when I first saw pornographic material.....
    I have a boyfriend, we've been together for over a year now and we roleplay over the phone fairly often though I always seem to need more.
    I've never actually 'cum' before and I play with myself fairly often, I've even told my boyfriend about my problem, and he tried once to help me, talking me through playing with myself and as much a it turned me on to hear him telling me to do all this I couldn't.
    I personally believe this might be whyy I'm so attracted to porn, because I've never been able to get myself off. So I keep trying, truthfully it barely does anything to me, I start feeling good but than my body sort of shuts down and I have to stop.
    I've tried to stop watching/reading porn though after a few weeks my boyfriend will do something to turn me on and I'm back.
    I've considered toys and what not but personally because I'm still technically a virgin and have never really tried anything like that I'm to scared to try (I know my mum has some dildos that dad got her that she has never used) and my boyfriend lives a few hours away so I couldn't get him to help me with my problem.
    There is also the problem of my age, I'm under age so it makes it all worse, and I feel worse about it because I'm a girl (I know there is no problem with girls watching porn I just feel like because I watch it so often its sort of wrong).
     
  7. photoguy93

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    I can totally relate.

    I've watched porn for years. It started slow (pictures, stories, etc) and the went to real porn.

    It's become a way of doing things. I have no other option.

    My only concern would be if you had the chance to be with someone(which you do.) I don't. The only people I know of make me want to walk staging to the health clinic.

    Does your partner have any clue of what's going on? It sounds like you're just wanting this fantasy world. Have you tried taking a break? If that doesn't work, maybe you need to explore things.
     
  8. Amicus

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    Hi localfwbguy,

    I'm certainly no doctor nor an addictions expert, but having trouble getting hard with real people but easily getting a boner for porn is a pretty good indicator of a porn addiction. This happens because your brain's dopamine levels surge during the novelty and heightened stimulation associated with porn use. Your brain is then desensitized to to the sensations associated with real-life intercourse.

    The fact that your brain is out of whack has implications for your main question: are you actually sexually attracted to men to some extent? I can't answer that, and neither can you, because your true libido has fallen by the wayside. Porn addiction can definitely cause people to develop tastes they didn't have before to feed the brain's craving for ever more novelty. But none of this is to say that you aren't bi or gay. It's possible you didn't enjoy your encounters with men because of (a) loss of interest in typical sex-acts due to a brain hooked on increased dopamine and/or (b) internalized homophobia (a la your language of guilt/shame).

    To answer your question, you'll need to observe how you respond to to other men (older or otherwise) under normal sexual conditions, which you can't do right now because your regular sexuality has been clouded by your porn use. All the more reason to kick the addiction.

    But of course, that, as you know, isn't easy. You'll have to stop all forms of artificial sexual stimulation: that means porn videos, pictures, and even erotica. It seems like a mammoth and overwhelming task. Some suggestions:

    (1) Take things day by day. Don't try to think of this as quitting porn forever. That idea will quickly overwhelm you. Just think of it as not using porn til today ends, and run with that. If even that seems like a difficult goal, think of it as not using porn for an hour. Make it manageable for your mind.

    (2) Identify your risk factors. What are the situations which make you crave using porn or environments which are conducive to using it? Try as much as possible to escape from those. As often as possible, use your computer only in open spaces where there are other people watching. Add other events or obligations into your schedule so that you'll be distracted and doing things. Go see your girlfriend. Get yourself out of dangerous situations.

    (3) Be nice to yourself. Make sure you get enough sleep. Schedule time for relaxation every day. Eat tasty food. Go for walks. Self-care is an important element of any addiction recovery.

    (4) Go see a counselor. They can help you break these compulsive behaviors and come up with healthy coping strategies.

    And if you do relapse, remember that relapse is the rule rather than the exception for addiction recoveries. Don't feel like all your work has been erased if you succumb to the temptation. Just use it as a learning experience to pinpoint your danger spots, and try to move on from there. When we fixate on the past, we neglect the present moment, which is the only time that we actually have to do anything.

    Your libido might seem like it totally flatlines when you try quitting. That's normal. That's a sign your brain is readjusting itself. Use it as an opportunity to explore the myriad other aspects of life apart from sex.

    And another thing...commit to loving yourself no matter what your sexuality turns out to be. Confusion is never fun, but the whole process will be easier if you open your heart to yourself, no matter what you've done and no matter who you turn out to be.

    Best of luck (*hug*)
     
  9. Rexmond

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    If you're becoming aroused by the males, and having ED during sexual intercourse with a female, then it looks like you're gay. I too watched straigh porn involving older/mature men having sex with young girls. I was aroused by the men, and in fact, still am.

    There's nothing wrong with being attracted to older men.
     
  10. Brenny

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    I've heard things about guys not getting hard for real sex but only pornography. I think from a few experiences that once they cut the porn out for a little bit, they had less issues with real life sex. I could be wrong but I think in your case it is definitely best to back off of the porn. I'd cut it cold turkey for a week and see if there's any changes. I'm sure its difficult to do but I think it'd be worth the try.

    As for the orientation thing, I think exposure to these kind of things can have influence on us later in life but I can't really say how much or what it really causes...
     
  11. Deaf Not Blind

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    Porn is like crack...proven addictive qualities...and its easy to get into.
    Gosh i have love for it!
    Some couples look like they are in love and that makes me imagine im the guy doing the fukin. I mainly get off on a guy penetrating fast a girl...not old ones! But i saw a couple gay men and frotting and some fucking did get me off. It was also how it ended with a sweet kiss and no oral yuck.

    Im thinking it could be like on guy said a need to be around other queers openly and dating. For me i think if i found a really nice girl who isnt drama queen, not controlling, and not angry easy i could get over the needs to masturbate to pictures and focus on what i really can do for her.

    I have pulled from porn never cammed and just look at a few pictures of couples. I feel jealous. Esp that cismen have natural errecting penis. Sigh.
     
  12. MattGuy

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    I'm also having some issues with porn that may be somewhat similar to yours. I have been watching mostly gay porn for years, it just seems more exciting and risky to me. Before that I watched straight porn and even looked at pictures of naked women to get turned on. I began seeking out more and more 'extreme' types of porn. I seem to get more turned on by porn than real people in general - even when I see a man I'm attracted to my mind instantly goes to doing something with him that is 'extreme' by most people's standards of initial sexual thoughts. I think that porn addiction has caused me to be desensitized to real people. I also think that porn in general has morphed how I view sexuality and 'fetishized' my thoughts to a point where being with a real person will never live up to the stimulus I have been giving myself through porn. It's like exclusively watching gay porn has heightened my attractions towards men and caused me to think about sexuality in an unnatural way in general. It sounds to me like you could be in a similar situation but your addiction might be more extreme.

    I think before you can become comfortable with your sexuality you need to tackle this porn issue you feel you have. If you want your sexual life to be defined by interactions with other people, excessive porn viewing can be an impediment. Personally I'm trying to wean off the porn and do other things I enjoy instead. Hopefully by doing this I can have a clearer mind and figure out if I'm bi or gay or whatever. There is a lot more to life than sex, you just have to find another passion. Whenever you have the urge to look at porn just always have something else you enjoy waiting for you to do instead.
     
  13. sguyc

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    Guys give up porn. Seriously it feels great and gives you control. You start noticing other people more strongly. It is such a crutch.
     
  14. MattGuy

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    That's what I'm hoping. I'm starting to realize porn is a very powerful 'drug' that I've been addicted to for a long time without knowing it. It has kept me from properly exploring my sexuality in the REAL world. I don't think porn gets the attention it deserves as something that can really confuse a person and alter their mind if used exclusively or in excess. I think the OP would agree. I'm finding it almost impossible to evaluate my sexual orientation honestly becuase I have this underlying issue going on. I'm finding it much much harder to not look at porn since I tried to stop cold turkey a couple weeks ago than I thought it would be.
     
  15. Jim1454

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    In an earlier thread you said you were going to give up the porn. You haven't.

    I think it's time to consider that you have another addiction that you need to deal with. Look up an SAA meeting near you and go. See if you can relate to the stories being told there. Whether you're gay, bi or straight, you won't ever be healthy sexually if you can't stop using porn - even though you want to. It's likely a problem for you just like alcohol or drugs.

    If you want to talk directly you can send me a PM. But I don't think you're likely to find an answer here. You've started 2 or 3 threads on essentially the same topic. You likely need to lick the porn / sex addiction first and then figure yourself out.
     
  16. localfwbguy

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    Thanks everyone who posted here. Basically, my girlfriend has gone out of town and ive been on a fantasy binge. As soon as I dropped her at the Airport, I went home and immediately sought out my ol' friend. Every day after work, I've been using until bed time. I really do need some help kicking this, ughh talk about shame. Anyways, thank yall and talk to you soone.
     
  17. sguyc

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    Ok here is some advice. Install some adult controls on all of your pc devices! Give your girlfriend the password and she should know not to give it to you except for specific circumstances. You cab customize it to block only porn so
    That other adult content is ok. It has been working for me
    lately bc it is physically impossible to watch it unless I went
    to a library or something
     
  18. localfwbguy

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    Thanks for the advice on blockers. I subscribed to a site called yourbrainonporn.com to try and get some support and help. Basically, I've been using my smart phone for moat of my porn-capades. I've basically given up, I'm on day 1 again for like the 8th day in a row. Shit is tough, thanks guys.
     
  19. Jim1454

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    There are groups to help with this. You need to apply the same principles to this that you have applied to drinking. You can't stop on your own - but you can with the help of others in the program and your Higher Power.

    Look for a meeting - SA or SAA - and go. Whether it's on your phone or your computer, with older men or younger men - it's a problem that you can't beat on your own. The fact that you turned to it immediately after you dropped your girlfriend at the airport makes it sound very compulsive - to someone who has been in your very situation.
     
  20. FallenAngel

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    Toys are definitely what got me to stop watching it.