Need advice...

Thxs @LaneyM

Thxs @confusedbubble Besides me moving out (I own my home) I agree with everything you said. It is just a lot harder to put into action irl. If I had irl friends or a support system it would be a lot easier I think. I don't though. What gets me is that I know better, I knew it was wrong as soon as the words were coming out of my mouth. Tbh before Christmas Day I was actually in a really good place. He had already made it clear that his idea of us getting back together included isolating me and not wanting me to have any friends outside of him. He actually said that. So I had no issue at all with him leaving and was happy for him to go. I was just so upset over my mom and feeling like I had no one that accepted me as I am. I was vulnerable and let that rule the moment.

And this is how easy it is for people who are abused to stay with their abusers - not saying he is an abuser, he is not physically anyways. I always have wondered how someone could stay in that situation though and now I know.

This week he has really tried to do everything I wanted him to do but he never would in all our years of marriage like sitting beside me or taking me home on Christmas. Granted he didn't speak up when my mom was saying all that crap. But he would have tried to convince me to just suck it up before. If I still loved him I would be thinking this is a man I could want to be married to, instead I do feel smothered. It is a major setback but it will be undone. It just won't be instantaneous. I will talk to him and I will give him time to recoup the money he lost on that apartment. A couple months should be enough.

 

Okay so on the 4th after arguing non-stop since New Year's, I asked him to get an apt. We didn't really speak for a few days then the 6th I was going over my finances and he asked me what I was doing to which I responded about making sure I could pay everything when he moved out. That lead to another huge argument.

Last night he starts yelling over nothing and then says he wants a divorce. Then half hour later he's calmed down and talks to me - actually talks. He doesn't understand it all at all, he's hurting because he wants us to work things out but he also wants me to be happy. He says he wants the divorce and doesn't want the divorce. Doesn't because he loves me and see us growing old together; Does because then I would be free to explore and 'sow my oats', then hopefully come back to him.

I was taken back. He's gone from thinking I can just put it all back in a box to thinking I can just go get it out of my system. Progress yes, but... #1 my response was I would never 'sow my oats' as I have matured since I was a teen. #2 If it got to the point that I was in a sexual relationship with a woman, I doubt I would ever be that way with him again. But we are making progress here. He has decided instead of an apt, he will be buying another home. Less expensive monthly, and it's an investment. So there's that as well.

 

I thought about that as well. Yes we have a 13yo daughter at home. He's been looking at properties today, but I plan to discuss this further this weekend and set a timeframe for move out - if he doesn't start the buying process within a month then he needs to go to an apt. Closing here is usually pretty quick, no longer than a month. So two months tops and he should be moved out.