Need advice...

Don't say that. You are not a controlling b* and delicate situations require forethought. Being considerate is showing love, and not something you should punish yourself for. Thoughts like this are toxic, don't think them and don't accept them if they are said to you. You will start to see it as your only truth. Right now, you need to be telling yourself positive things, possibly more than ever before.

Feeling calm and at peace is COMPLETELY NORMAL when you recognize your sexual identity is different from what you were taught it should be. It is OK to feel good about that!

As for parents and other threats, stay calm. Think it through in your mind, if he tells them, what will happen? Best possible outcomes and the worst. Now that you are an adult and mother, even the worst outcomes still leave you free to be who you are. You cannot change who people are, you cannot force them to see things as you want them to be seen. All you can do is decide how you respond.

Lastly, you have rights. Divorce is not a pretty thing, any more than a tornado is on a city. Attorneys can help mitigate hostility and keep everything equitable as you navigate the legality of divorce. An attorney is not for everyone, but... I am sure glad I finally got one for my case. You might want to do some internet searching for someone that is reputable for LGBTQ+ advocacy. If you know the settlement you want and you want to DIY, get on it. Get this bandage ripped off so you BOTH can see where the chips have fallen and rebuild. Clear boundaries are established when a legal divorce decree is in place, and you can help each other so much better as friends when you have that.

You are right. You need to move forward. If you decide not to, it needs to be because you are happy with staying put. It should not be because of threats and guilt.

 

Hello
I have read some of the thread. It feels like he can't get to grips that it's over.....but if I'm right he's had plenty of time to get used to your new set up. Only my opinion but it doesn't sound healthy. I think he needs counselling and if this doesn't help. He or one of you need to move out. As hard as it is that could be the best option. It also sounds like he is trying to control you which is very wrong and unhealthy........
Kind regards Rade X

 

Breaking up amicably is just SO hard to do, especially when you still care for the other person. I hope you guys don't hurt each other to gain closure. Sometimes people want to make the one hurting them into a villain, to replace the love, so that leaving is easier. Keep your chin up, you are managing things really well. It's a turbulent thing for both of you. Clean breaks heal faster.

 

Weary, I am so sorry for this. Alcohol recovery is... a lifelong thing. I am sober after abuse as well. This is not your fault. Maybe it's better to think of how your strength has been an incentive for him to stay sober for longer? Breaking sobriety in front of you is a form of manipulation-- it is a suicide of his sobriety, and the agenda is to cause pain and cast blame. His choice to react this way has hurt both of you and I am so sorry you are going through this pain right now.

When you went over the changes you want to make toward divorce, how did that make you feel? Obviously he is upset, but do you look to this future with hope for your future self, or do you sort of long for reconciliation with him? Only you can make the decision about how and when to do this, if at all. Maybe this was the push he needed to take your boundaries seriously. If so, is that enough for you to want to stay? Love from guilt is unlikely to succeed. How much of staying together is out of guilt or co-dependence, and how much of it is a deeper bond you would hate to lose?

 

I just now read through this thread, I know you have offered advice to me in different posts, I had no idea you were going through all of this. Thank you for supporting others even while you are working through your own challenges. I get where you are coming from, as I also regret not knowing myself better before getting married, I know that would have changed things. But I really don't think it's a matter of courage, it's just that you've grown more and understand yourself now. That's no more your fault than any of life's other accidents or chance events. Stay strong and true to yourself <3

 

Thanks for the update. Not sure if this is the case for him but, sometimes people just need to be alone when they are going through the pain of trauma and healing. Having no one is scary but... in a way, it's what it needs to be for a time. Rebounding just for companionship masks what needs to heal and usually sends you off in a direction you didn't really want to go in. I worried about my ex not talking to anyone through the whole thing as well, but he pulled through and we are good friends now, finally. Sometimes that's just how some people heal.

That said, you have to let him figure out what works for him. It's really cool that you keep putting yourself out there as a solid friend for him. I hope he is able to take you up on it when he really needs someone, and vice versa. Raising a child together is a bond worth holding onto. But, you can't control much beyond that, and that's ok. Let the separation evolve as what he needs it to be as well. Good luck to both of you right now. I wish you the best and lots of strength. <3

 

That sounds like what my ex boyfriend put me through only ,we weren't married and thank God I wasn't living with him. But he wanted to keep me with him , he would threaten me all the time to expose me , make me feel guilty in all type of ways , bash me , I wanted to be his best friend but he just wanted me whole and I couldn't give him the love he wanted. I was in a dark depression being with him ... he was perfect boyfriend for a straight girl , but I just needed a friend. I Felt something wasn't right with me. He knew I wasn't straight because I couldn't fall in love with him or any guy I told him muiltple times even when I didn't even know I was gay. There was something missing from my heart and he realized I liked my current girlfriend more than him. I know this will sound selfish but you have to separate from him. Give him time alone to process everything. He still loves you so he is hurt. In time he will come around. But separating is the best decision since trying to live together won't work. My ex boyfriend after a year came around and we are friends. He will come around because you guys have a child.

sounds

 

You will make it through this week. Change is not easy for people. Holidays are not easy for people. Compromise is when both people don't get all of what they wanted. You can do this. Be kind. Be patient. Be firm. He doesn't get to decide the person you are anymore-- you do. Fighting is your choice, so make it! If you don't want to fight, don't engage with him as much as possible when you are upset. I know it's so hard right now and you probably can barely discuss anything productive without it quickly turning hostile. Diplomacy and emotional distance is the only way out of fighting drama.

What is his leverage? What do you need to do to not require certain things from him? I know you mentioned earlier you are dependent on him. What is your vision for how this separation will go? Is there something you can do now to help yourself shore up your vulnerability, while he sorts out his emotional apprehension about moving out to an apartment?

 

I know this will be hard on the both on you guys. this is the holidays and it is really hard, like Umdesua said you are strong now and know he can't change you, but also understand this is the holiday seasons. He will eventually leave but understand him too. Lol. This is your choice .. the ball is in your hand. I would give him a deadline like January after the holidays. Because no one likes to be alone around this time of the year.

 

Well I'd like to be as supportive of your situation as I can, but frankly, you already left him: it's over.
Later in your post, you mention your "expectations". Honestly, the only reason he would listen to those is that he still loves you and you said yourself, hopes you may reconcile. This is not a good place for your daughter to learn about healthy relationships, as neither of you can move on realistically with anyone else.
What would you expect a future love interest of his to say when he wants to bring her home? Is that fair to him?
While it's certainly not your fault that your love and who you want to be with has changed, neither is it his, time to move.
Ask yourself: if you had the means to leave comfortably, and reestablish yourself as you wished somewhere else, with your daughter still a part of your life of course, so that you could begin dating women or whatever you see yourself doing to find new love, would you still be in that house?

 

Hello Weary....
It sounds like he just can't move forward even though you have told him many times it's over. He is also playing the victim card which will not help the situation. He has to let go if he loves you he must do this.....for your daughters well being and your well being, one of you should move out, like I have done leaving my kids behind. It's very painful but for the best. Then everyone has time and space to process it all. We have had blazing rows but now put our differences aside for the sake of the kids....She had moved a new boyfriend in which hurts me further but EC is about coming out and looking forward which is important to remember....
I hope your situation improves soon....

 

If marriage and divorce doesn't teach you that you can't make someone else happy, not much else will. When I felt like I held the responsibility for my spouse's happiness, I also gave him the keys to mine. What a disservice to give that to someone else! What a confusing burden to put on him. When people make us feel happy, and vice versa, it shouldn't be that complicated! The co-dependent ridicularium we humans sometimes impose upon our mates is like telling a tree, "you are my soulmate because I love sitting here by you every afternoon, so here is the key to my happiness." We wouldn't do that. We shouldn't do that to another person. And if they blame us for their unhappiness, well, it's as meaningless and blaming the tree. It is better to not have co-dependent happiness. Happiness is a personal development, gained through habit, much in the same way good oral hygiene is achieved. You may wish deeply for someone to practice good habits, but until they do... well, it's not your mouth.

 

First I would like to commend you for your honesty. There aren't many women in the same situation who would have actually admitted their truths out loud and for every one who chooses too there is a real strength in that, that should always be recognized as opposed to questioned or judged. I have never been married or found myself in this type of situation as I have pretty much always known my orientation. However, I can say that I have been witness too similar situations.

It is an important step that you are planning to take, having the discussion about the living arrangement you currently have and what to do about it next as your reality is things cannot be as they have been. Financial woes, impact decisions greatly but in this case I don't think it would be healthy for you two to stay under the same roof. Just as you realize that you need space and time, that's a space and time he needs as well, to wrap your heads around change and realize what you both must do alone to take the next step into your new normal. Staying under the same roof while trying to make these changes, changes you can only really make alone will only cause more confusion and stress and eventually it will probably become toxic.

Asking your husband to be your friend in this moment, is a hard thing. It means him being open to being there for you past the hurt he feels and I don't know him so I cannot speak to whether or not he is capable of doing that but most people aren't. He will try and look past his emotions but for awhile, especially depending on how long you have actually been together, especially considering that you also have a tie that binds for life which would be your daughter, there is too much emotion wrapped in all of that for him to be able to put that to the side.

That is conversation and a concept you should explore after time has passed and changes have taken course. Expecting to be friends and to be past things too early can lead to more of a breakdown than a build up.

As it pertains to your daughter. Though this is a difficult time for everyone and though this is definitely a difficult time for him, his feelings and dealings with you should be separate from his relationship with your child. In any way, in all ways he must be a father first before he is a husband and take care of that responsibility whether or not you are together, no matter why you've decided to call things quits. She needs both of you at this point in time and she will look to you for answers and clarity but she will be looking to him for strength and what to do next. As they can relate to each other more because this is a change that they both did not expect and do not know how to deal with. Not to cheapen the fact that this is new for you too but just to give you the reality of what'll be going on in their minds.

All in all this is a time where though you will have to be apart for some time to sort things out at the very least as parents you must keep that part of your family and responsibilities together, whatever it takes. Just as you may feel innocent in not controlling who or what you are attracted to and love, and he is in his own right innocent in not expecting this, your daughter is innocent in not expecting any of this either. Be honest with her, be open with her, be loving toward her even if you reach a place where you both feel you cannot be that for each other. If all else fails, your priority should be her and in that process, slowly whether you feel it or see it or not a lot of other realities will fall into place a lot easier than it seems it ever could.

Look to God. No matter what you think, He is still there, and He is still listening. He still heals and still mends. He still makes whole what is broken and He still redeems. Well wishes and prayers to you, I hope in some way this helps.