Need advice...

I was going to title this as Being Gay Sucks, but that's not true. It's just me that sucks right now.

So I plan to finally have the conversation with my husband about him moving on/moving out. I have had no sleep because my brain will not turn off. I have gone through the entire conversation and life after over and over in every possible outcome with all the emotions. So I need advice/opinions about the conversation. Warning, I run on long...

A little over a year ago, I came out to him as lesbian, and we stayed in a m-om to see if we could make it work. About 4-5 months ago we agreed to separate officially but still live in same house just half it - he has one end, I have the other. Lately, he has been pressuring me more and more to be together no longer separated. That's not what I want, but I haven't come out and said this and my lack of voicing my opinion has lead him on that we could work it out. So I want to set the record straight. We do have a daughter together at home. Tell me what you think and please be honest.

I would start off with my reasons for not saying something sooner. I didn't want to hurt him, I want him to stay active in our daughter's life and I am scared he would just disappear, I didn't want to be alone, I wanted to remain friends, I was scared to be on my own financially and still am. I do love him just not in the way he wants me to.

then I would tell him what I want. I want a full separation. No trying to work things out. I need time/space to be me. I want him to stay in our daughter's life. He is a great father and she needs him, I would like us to still be friends, I need someone who I can talk too. We could continue to live in the same household for financial reasons as long as he doesn't try to control me or make things work between us. It would strictly be as roommates and as her father. Or if he needs to he can move out but hopefully close by for our daughter.

If he wanted to stay, I would go over my expectations. Neither of us to bring anyone home at this time. No snide or rude comments, no trying to connect (kiss me, hold my hand) because I will still out of guilt or feeling of requirement respond and then that just makes things worse.

Is there anything I can say to take away the sting of it all? anything you think I should add or take away? I know he is going to feel abandoned and hurt. He doesn't have any family nearby and I don't want to cause him anymore pain than need be. I do very much care about him. He has been my only friend for many years now.

 

Thank you everyone for your responses.

@Percy66 @UMedusa
I get that, but we were never even before marriage romantically/physically attracted to each other. We were both at a low point in our lives when we met and leaned on each other for support. I was just divorced learning to live on my own; he was an emotional wreck trying to stay clean off drugs. When his 1st wife divorced him he didn't see his two children again until after we were married. They were 2 and 4 when they divorced and were 13 and 15 when he started seeing them. So my fear that he would just disappear is valid. When things get tough he bolts.

As for staying in the same house - the split floor plan allows for us to be separate very well. It's not really a sex issue with us as for coming together, it is the little habits of when he goes to work and he expects the kiss bye, or at night he will come to my side of the house to say goodnight to our daughter and then expect me to kiss goodnight to, or when I go somewhere same thing. Financially no I am not able to afford everything on my own right now, but if he agreed to stay until I could that would be great.

I know it is wrong to lean on him for support both financially and emotionally. But he is in reality the only person I have irl that I can talk to about my feelings/issues. There is no one else. I have friends and acquaintances yes, but I would never discuss my sexuality with any of them. He also has no one else either. That is how we got together in the first place and we promised to be there for the other. I still value that and would there for him if needed. Anyone I do ever meet, I would be upfront with her to let her know I would still be friends with my ex.

 

@UMedusa
I hope that we can. I know where we both started and it wasn't great place for either. I would hate for anything to cause such turmoil again. Part of my problem and why I guess I stay rutted is my inner need to help those struggling. I often place my well being last to my own detriment. It is a big topic in counseling for me. I know I can survive. I've been homeless with kid in tow after my first marriage ended and got through it and back on my feet. My husband I hope has gained strength over the years, but knowing his past issue with drugs etc, I just don't want him to go down that road again. I can hear my counselor in my ear telling me I can't be the umbrella for everything.

 

I had the conversation tonite. Not as expected. He said he has seen it coming as we already have separate bank accounts etc. He asked what I wanted him to do. I explained what he does is up to him. I said I want him to stay around and be a part of our daughter's life. He agreed and says he will stay until I ask him to leave. I asked if he could handle living in the same house if there is no relationship between us because so far it seemed that he wasn't able to do so. I explained how I react out of guilt etc. He said he would try. There was no yelling, no fight. I feel like I broke him, and that kills me. I don't know how I feel otherwise. He's not talking to me tonite at all.

 

Thanks @UMedusa

After the talk and ignoring me Friday, he is constantly bombarding me with questions of why and will I change my mind? Every time I see him straight into the questions again. I'm going crazy and I know he is as well. This is why I gave in last time, he wore me down. I tell him 'if you need to leave, I understand.' I explain he is doing the same thing as last time, but I'm won't give in this time. So tonite he showed first sign of anger. 'We've been together 15 yrs and now this? It hasn't been 15 yrs, we've only been together 14 and I came out to him about 18 months ago. I say I'm sorry. What do you want me to do?

Really I don't know what to do.

 

He called me on the phone tonite from his work just to gripe at me about all this. I finally told him I could understand why people have affairs. It's a way to avoid all this BS of hurting the people you care about. I asked him would he rather I have said nothing and had an affair, or try to be open and honest with him like I am. I know he needs time as do I, but I have no other answers for him. He wants answers I can't give. I'm thinking most of you were right that we will not be able to live together separately.

 

A entirely different issue for separation was this ^. For a few years even prior to me coming out we would get into yelling matches in front of our daughter. Our marriage is not without faults even before my announcement. He likes to believe otherwise and sweep it all under the rug.

Today when he woke up, he came and got me from my office - to talk. First to tell me he would give it til new year and then file for a divorce, then to explain how he has always hated this time of year (his mother passed away and he was divorced from his 1st marriage around the holidays) now this just when he was started to get excited about the holidays again. I ruined it for him. The only thing keeping him going is not hurting our daughter.

But the thing is I don't know if I believe him. Five years ago I learned he had lied to me about several things. Half of me thinks he is just trying to guilt me, the other part feels horrible for being me and doing this to him. I start to think about how much pain I am causing and I made it this long why not until death. Then I think about never being able to have the touch of affection or love or cuddling ... I hate me today.

 

Update: Tonite I am an uncaring bit** who has planned all this out. I am quite calm about it all, true. Because I finally feel like I have fully accepted myself and I am not going back in the closet. I checked on an apt to go to that is rent controlled. Unbeknownst to me he had as well and thought he was going to use that as a manipulation to get me to cave. When that didn't work and I told him I had looked at one too, he made an offhand threat of getting my parents involved - what would they think..etc. He knows they are my sore spot and why it took me so long to get here, because they are god fearing people and will disown me as the devil. So now I am freaking out about what he will do.