My son just came out to me

So since my son has come out to his father last night and it went badly...I expected some fallout. I have been watching my son for signs of depression, maybe withdrawing from friends or us, but so far he is full of energy and happy. He is content in his choice to tell his father that if he can't accept him he should stay out of his life and not speak to him. This is a lot for a 12 year old to deal with and I really admire him for his strength. On top of that, the poor kid's bike was stolen sometimes between last night and this morning...the last thing his father bought him when he saw him a few weeks ago. So he has been dealt several blows...I have tried to keep the lines of communication open with his father, I talked to him when the bike was stolen, but as soon as I mentioned last night he shut down on me and hung up. I guess this isn't something I can repair between the two of them...only they can fix this, or well I think my ex husband should be the one to try to fix it, he is the one with the problem and he is the adult. My ex just kept saying last night that my son was 12, he doesn't know that he is gay...my son just kept telling him he knows how he feels...I have to agree with my son, what does his age have to do with how he feels? He knows how he responds to boys and to girls...he repeated several times he has no interest or response to girls what so ever, except that he likes their hair!! lol, my son appreciates great hair!! He also knows that he gets turned on by very cute hot boys. He is old enough to understand how his body is responding, age doesn't change that. I could see if he was 5, or 7 or even 10...but he is 12, in puberty, and has been fighting this for a long time. I have watched him struggle really hard especially over the summer...if his father was around more he would probably have gotten to know his son, and been able to understand that his son is very mature, more mature than a lot of 12 year olds...maybe it was from being a child of a man in the military, and then he went through me having cancer, and now I suffer from chronic pain...so he had to grow up a little faster, which I HATE! But my ex needs to know that my son is mature enough to understand his body, how he feels, what he is experiencing and he needs to respect that. Sure, 12 is probably a little early to announce it, but I don't doubt my son or what he is feeling none of us do. In fact his friends all mostly said "duh! We knew that already!"

I just really hope that some day his father will come to his senses and not miss out on being a part of such an amazing person's life! He could really learn a thing or two from his son!

 

Thanks again guys! I know that I really admire my son's confidence and strength. Hell at 12 I had a hard time deciding what pair of jeans to wear that day to school much less which gender I found attractive. A BIG part of me thinks I don't deserve such an amazing kid. On top of being gay he is so many other wonderful and fantastic things and I just don't know how a screw up like me managed to raise such an awesome young man! I think that has been my biggest struggle through all of this is not that he is gay...that never mattered to me...its trying to figure out how someone like me could end up being the mother of someone so extraordinary. In a way this has lowered my self esteem and once again brought to light my lack of confidence. When he was in 2nd grade and they called me in to tell me he was "exceptionally bright, and gifted and talented" I cried, the teacher asked me why I was crying...I asked her, "what do you do when your child is smarter than you?" She gave me a list of books to read. I think on payday, I will be going to the bookstore and finding books on how to NOT let your fantastic kid down...and maybe a few books on how to help your "gay teen".

 

When/if you get any books on advice for having a 'gay teen', please try to avoid getting any of those that promote 'curing' gay teens of their 'illness'.

My son is not sick or ill....he does not need any sort of curing so why would I buy such things? I only want to be able to read up on how better to support my son. Maybe a better way to answer questions, or to have a fluid, healthy dialogue. Also on how to handle any issues that might come up, such as how to help him answer questions when he gets asked questions.

Now his biological father, that is a totally different story...he has emailed me several different things on "straight camps", or groups on how to suppress gay emotions/urges. Apparently there is even some boarding school you can send your gay child and they just come home "straight" like some magical cure. I don't believe this is anything that can be cured, its not a disease, its just who you are born to be, if even that. I have said before and I will keep saying it, LOVE doesn't NOT discriminate. Love is love, we can't choose who we love or in what fashion, we can't change it either. It would be like saying water isn't wet. His biological father even compared being gay to cancer, that it just needs to be cut out of him....seriously????

So the books I am looking for are just a little guideline for me....I learned long ago....Parenting does NOT come with an instruction booklet! I just want to read and learn as much as I can so I am as prepared as I can be for my son or any of his friends when they need help or guidance, because as much as I want to say it doesn't change anything, it does. Him being gay doesn't change him, he is still my son, the same boy I fell in love with the instant that pregnancy test came back positive, who I fell in love with the at the first cry, the first time his little hand wrapped around my finger and he stole my heart. But I would be naive to say it doesn't change anything, it for sure changes the sex talk!!!! lol. But it doesn't change him as a person

 

Thanks guys! Sometimes I feel like this is the only place I have to go. One thing that is hard in my house is that I am working on getting disability because I have a lot of health issues. I have degenerative disk disease in my neck, my lower back, and the degeneration affects my hips and shoulders. Also every disk in my neck is bulging and I have several in my lower my back that are bulging as well. Plus arthritis in my neck on top of it all...then tons of other things. But I suffer from chronic pain and have to be on pain management...my point is, I don't have very many friends, in fact I only have one really close friend and I talk to her about what is going on with my son, but she just keeps saying "I'm sorry" like he has just been diagnosed with something lol. Of course she has no problem with his orientation and like me doesn't believe in labels, I just think she doesn't know what to say. She, like me, has never dealt with it first hand.

Jim I have already showed my son what I have written here so I am not worried about that, he loves it, so I might get him on here

 

Oh Synyster, I am so sorry that you have to hide who you are, and that you have to wait until you are 18 just to make sure you have the ability to care for yourself. I mean no offense to anyone when I say this....but I just don't understand a parent's inability to love their child unconditionally, just like my son's biological father. Maybe it is just my primal and maternal instinct but when my ex husband "disowned" my son I wanted to rip his throat out....I have never been a violent person, EVER...but I knew if he had shown up on my porch (he lives in Texas) someone would have had to have been here to hold me back because I would have gone flying off that porch, trying to scratch his eyes out. I was filled with so much rage and anger.

Synyster is your mom in the picture? Will you have at least one parent who will be supportive of you? It is so important to have a strong support system in any aspect of your life, but especially when you are trying to understand and discover your sexuality and orientation. I know it isn't the same as a parent but maybe another adult, like an aunt/uncle, or even a teacher or coach at school? You shouldn't have to hide who you are or fear being rejected by your own parents. Have you tried calling any of the LGBT hotlines for help and support in this? Of course I am always willing to listen if you want to talk I am here. I know I am not your mom or dad and I am new to this myself...but sometimes just having someone who will listen to you, even if its just to listen to you cry and not talk, can help.

The world is lonely enough, especially when you are young and still discovering who you are, but to then throw in what society thinks is an abnormal sexuality makes it even harder!