married and gay

Oh Geff. I can feel your emotional turbulence. It's a wild mess isn't it? But you've taken a giant first step, maybe so big that it felt more like jumping off a cliff than a step. But you did it and in your heart, even though you're both hurting you know it was the right thing to do. You've got plenty more steps ahead of you, but now you've got some momentum, hopefully those won't be quite so hard to take. Object in motion and all that.

She needs time to assimilate and process, much like you did, but don't let it sit too long without talking. Keep the lines of communication open and eventually, when you're both ready, figure out where things go from here.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself, take care of you, and remember to just take things one step at a time. Come to EC when you need understanding and support, the good people here offer it generously and believe me, it really helps! And maybe take the time to enjoy lots of hugs from your daughter there's nothing like the love of a child to a heart that's hurting.

I'll be thinking of you. (*hug*)

 

Hi Geff
I know this sounds a bit crazy, since we've never met, but I am so proud of you! What you did was probably the hardest thing you've ever done / will ever have to do. A man is not judged solely by his words, but by his actions too, and that was a mighty big action!
I also found that EC gave me the impetus to come out to my wife, and even though we still have a long way to go, I find the support I get online here at EC to be amazing!
Keep posting and believe that this is the beginning of a new, better, full life. I Believe it too.

 

Geff,

Im happy for you, im sure you must have a sense of relief that this part is over. That took alot of courage and you did the right thing. I know the next few weeks, and months will be hard for you and your wife just stay positive and have patience while she processes this new information. Remember that you had many years to come to terms with your sexuality so understand her hurt and possible anger will take time to subside as well..

Be well Geff

 

Well, grit certainly isn't something you're short of, brother, and that's a fact. I'm reading all your posts, as others are, in support of you and care about you. Don't despair. Out of this will eventually come good, when you are coming from a point of being honest with her and with yourself.

 

How brave of you to finally tell your wife your true feelings, to show your true self. For that you should be proud of yourself, even though I can understand that's not how you feel right now.

It's the hardest thing to do because you know it's going to hurt her. But in the long run, it's also giving her a chance to find someone who will be able to love her in a different way.

She needs time to accept this new you that she did not know anything about. You always knew in a way, so for you it's not new... but for her it is.

I can totally understand how you wished you could take it back, because it hurts too much to see her like this... but let me tell you, from my heart, I last year kind of came out to my husband and after all the drama that followed and all the pain in his face I actually did take it back (saying I think I am 98% lesbian and 2% bi, so this can work), and now we're one year further and I'm still not happy... I stayed with him to keep him and our daughter happy... not myself.

I was madly in love with another woman but I figured if someone has to hurt, it better be me... well let me tell you it has been the hardest decision and the most difficult choice to live by... I've never told anyone this, but seeing you hurt through this forum I just want to share it with you... stick by your words... don't back down now... cause in the end the truth that hurts is better than a lie that won't last... I promise you.

I'm sending you lots of digital energy and courage... you're doing great... and everything will get better, promise.

 

The nature of decisions is this:

We can only make the best decision we can at any point in time. That is not to say that we wouldn't make a different decision 10 minutes, 10 months or 10 years later. But, we can only do the best we can.

Time:
Time comes into play as we cannot undo the past. For the future, we can take that information and use it to help make better decisions. We can try to offset past disadvantage with current advantage, but it still isn't the same thing. The fact remains that we can't undo emotional and physical harm.

The only thing that we can do be honest, bare our souls, be clear about what we don't know and the assumptions that we made.

The best that we can hope for is forgiveness and understanding. However, it has to be noted that very few relationships can take this kind of hit and survive. We have a tendency to retain emotional hurt and it can be very difficult to get past even when we want to.

My best to all...

 

Hope all is well with you, Geff. One of my wife's first questions when I told her yesterday was "Do you have someone on the side", and I thought of your situation and some of the posts here. It certainly is a strange position to be in. My wife has asked me more questions about what I think and feel in the last 12 -14 hours than she has in the last 12-14 (or 20 for that matter) years. Her mind is clearly racing, and as usual, she is leaping to all the worst and most inconsequential conclusions and situations ("I guess I'll have to learn to dye my own hair now"). But her reaction overall has been pretty much whaat I had hoped for as a "best case scenario", so I am thankful for that. Hope you're doing OK so far.....

 

i am gay and not married so what do i know? but i suspect that sex is not the most important thing in marriage for a woman. love and support and security matters. and love does not mean vaginal intercourse which is what i assume is what presents u with a problem. foreplay in a loving way, long slow touching and kissing, is said to be attractive to women. to be blunt, you can masturbate and she can use a dildo for orgasm. cutting out full intercourse is not such a big deal.
work on persuading her of two things - you will not be unfaithful to her no matter what your attractions may be; and you love her now as much as you even did. ask her back to your bed and cuddle. dont argue or try to explain or justify yourself. just listen to her complaints and accusations patiently. but insist u are and will be faithful and u do love her.
if you were straight would it matter that you were bound to be attracted to other women? of course not. but you would be expected to stay faithful none the less. so why does it matter that u are attracted to men? that is still no license to have sex with them when u are married anymore than a straight man can have sex with other women.
you can look, you can wank alone, but leave it at that. and you can be physically loving with your wife even if u cant perform intercourse.
so i would say endlessly listen to your wife once she is ready for complaints; and assure her u are and will remain faithful and greatly love her. all that has changed is that erections have become difficult.

 

I was in the same boat twice. They both divorced me.

I have a hard time being openly gay. I was having sex with males when I was in high school. I went into the military and at the time it was a crime to be gay. I had to hide it and have been hiding it from most people. I don't lie about it, but I keep my sex life private.

 

My wife said flat out, "If you won't have sex with me, I want a divorce." Wives, when they find out that their husband is gay tend to flip out.

 

Ha! I can't even tell you how long it has been since I told my husband I wouldn't have sex with him anymore, suffice it to say that it's been so long I can't remember. (but then again, it was never memorable to begin with - that was the problem) I kept wishing he would go find someone else, but alas no luck for me. He still made me be the bad guy.

 

geff,

We haven't heard much in about a week since you have told your wife. I think about your story daily as I'm sure others here do too. I hope things are going well.

From your last post, it sounds like you will be going through a really hard time for a while. I think you are probably at a point where it will be very easy to be extra hard on yourself. Try not to be too hard on yourself though, when the dust settles you will be able to look back and see that you did the right thing even though it wasn't easy.

I wish you the best of luck and hope to hear from you soon. Remember it's always darkest before dawn.

 

I get where you are coming from Geff - from 2 perspectives. I'm 38 and in a long term relationship with a man who thinks I am his world. I have 2 older teenager children too. I separated from the children's dad when they were little. I suspected he was gay but he didn't come out til a few months later. I was the person he confided in and supported him. We would have split up anyway and he was having a hard time accepting himself, he didn't need rejection on top of that. My own life is starting to scare the life out of me, having just about accepted that I am also gay. How the hell do I tell a man who loves me to death that actually although I love and care for him, I don't want to 'be' with him. I want to be with a woman (not that I have met one or would know where to start) the whole thing is messing with my head because I know I will hurt the man I love but have a whole lifetime ahead of me too... I'm angry at myself for not knowing sooner... Why now?

 

Think in the end my husband only cared about sex, didn't seem to about me much (and that was before I told him). Something to do with catholic upbringing not letting him find it somewhere else. He made me say the words to "formally release" him from his marriage vows. AAARGH!

---------- Post added 6th Sep 2013 at 08:58 PM ----------

Well done geff. I know how draining those emotional switches are - this was exactly how it was when I came out to my husband. Shock, anger, very harsh words, followed by understanding and wishing me well, then anger again... took a while but we have come through the worst of it. I don't ever regret telling him, for what that's worth. I hope your daughter is okay and a real comfort.

 

Geff I hope it works out for you x

 

Hi Geff,

I'm a new EC member and I've been following your story and I want you to know your courage is a tremendous inspiration to me. I'm in the same boat you were before you came out to your wife.

Since I came out to myself about 2 months ago, I've been struggling to decide whether to finally be honest with my wife or to keep living the lie to avoid all of the turmoil that will follow. I know in my gut that the truth is the right path, but I have the same fears and doubts that we all have in this situation.

I want you to know you did the right thing and should be very proud of your courageous act. You're also inspiring people like me to become the people we were meant to be. I hope that's some comfort as you navigate the rocky road ahead. Wishing you all the best.

 

Spaceman, welcome to EC. It is an amazing place, that I hope will help you navigate your own turmoil. Take it from someone who made a deal with devil more than a decade ago, there is absolutely nothing to gain from 'living the lie' and only yourself and the future of those you love and respect at risk when you consciously decide to maintain the facade.

I can't preach, because I still have yet to come clean, but I am at the very least in the midst of trying to set us all free, despite not being brave enough for full disclosure.

I wish you luck, and strength, and courage, and a good shot of impetuosity, something I've always sorely lacked.

 

It's an incredibly tough decision to make, and a lot of it depends on the relationship you have now (or used to) with your wife. I had the same gut feeling that the truth was the right thing, and after a lot of agonizing and kicking myself in the ass out of sheer frustration, I told her, pretty much on the spur of the moment, at what seemed like a good time. I had a lot of sensible advice (including from a lawyer) to split first and tell her later, and under a lot of circumstances I would say that makes the most sense. But because of the person I am and the person she is, coming out to her first seemed appropriate for me and for us. It may not be for you or for others, so don't take that as a recommendation by any means!!! Look at the relationship you had with her, have now, and hope to have, before you decide what the best course of action is. In my case, telling her has led to more real heart-to-heart talking than we've done in years, and I realized how much my own distance has messed up her already-fragile ego over the years. We will end up living apart eventually, certainly, but if the past few days since I told her are any indication, we may be closer to best friends than we've been since the very beginning of our relationship.

Not everyone has that Anne Frank, "everyone is basically good at heart" experience. But think long and hard about it, because not everyone's experience is a nightmare either. Keep in touch with us all here. We're a mighty supportive bunch of people!

 

Exactly the same situation. When my wife found out it was bad. I think she is denial.