I don't know if i want to change

Oh, Angel.... I know it's hard, but please try to stop beating yourself up. I know it's so very hard, since I do it a lot too, but it only makes it worse... there've been times I've cut myself and then been so mad at myself for it that I wanted to do it again to punish myself. Beating yourself up just fans the flame, so to speak.

Try to think of positive things about yourself instead. Instead of thinking how upset you are at yourself for cutting again, try thinking of all the good things about yourself, and think of them as reasons you deserve a good, happy life... reasons you deserve the best you can give yourself, and then strive to make that happen. Maybe it'll help just one time for a little while, but even that can be a big help in the long run. Maybe another time you'll remember what you did that one time that helped and you'll be able to do it again, and gradually more and more.

I don't really know you, but I've seen some of your posts here and there and it's quite obvious you're a very good-natured, caring person. You have a passion for helping other people, which is a wonderful quality. I honestly believe that you'll be able to conquer this in the end. I believe you have a very strong spirit.

I don't know if this would help you or not, but sometimes when I want to cut myself, I write on myself instead. The ink's not real great for you, but I don't think it's too harmful if you don't do it a lot, and it's probably less harmful than cutting yourself. Since I never wear shorts, I have my whole legs to write on, so a lot of times I'll write out whatever's in my head on my skin. It helps me vent and it leaves marks on my skin, but I'm not hurting myself. If I run out of space sometimes I'll write on my stomach or upper arms. If you use Sharpie it fades a lot in one washing, and is gone in two or three. I don't know if it would help you or not, but you could try it maybe? Just a thought...

Don't give up! It's never impossible. We're all here for you. Remember, if you need to talk, I'm here... and of course there's others who are here for you too. You're not alone in this.

 

I think one of the reasons people cut is because they want to make their mental pain real, sort of as proof to themselves that they aren't going mad.
That was one of my main reasons....

Love you always, please please please come and talk to me if you need to.

 

I'm sorry I can't offer much advice because I've never been a cutter. I can't exactly say that I understand cutting, but whenever I've accidently cut or hurt myself, I've felt kind of drawn to the pain. I'm not sure if it's a similar feeling that you experience, but I see it could be a form of release for anger & frustration. I could never be a cutter, but I hope that you find the support & inner strength to stop the cycle of self-harm. It won't be easy. Especially if you've built up a habit of it over a long period. But as Paul advised, take one day at a time & try to find out what you think about just before you start cutting. It may be a particular train of thought that triggers the urge, so you might find a way of diverting yourself from that thought pattern.

I'll take up your suggestion & offer you some (*hug*) because although I don't have advice, I still care about your wellbeing.

Here's another one for the road(*hug*)

 

I don't know what I can add except a few more (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)

There are some good suggestions from people in this thread tho' - I hope they help...and just remember your friends here will always listen and be here for you.

 

Angel on fire,
It sounds like you are not working well with your therapist, so you should rely on those around you. And try to stop cutting your self, if not for you, for those who love you. It upsets me, a total stranger, to hear you are cutting your self, imagine how your loved one would feel. You can rely on them for support, it sounds like they would be willing to give it. And next time you feel like cutting you self, do something else instead, like write a journal entry, or anything that makes you happy. I hope this turns around for you, and just know we are here for you.

 

Forgive my previous outburst, Angel on Fire, I naturally cannot stand it when people hurt themselves. Cutting...Is something I did also, I still have the scars from it. Unfortunately, all I can do is offer consolation, which I highly doubt will be very helpful. I suggest meditation, letting go of your mind and observing your thoughts.

 

(*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (&&&) (&&&) (&&&) (&&&)

 

girl if u stop being a cutter u start getting cuter

 

Angel, As I read this post, I recognized that cutting seems to work the same way as any other addiction - alcohol, drugs, sex, eating, etc. It isn't the actual act that is the problem (although cutting yourself isn't good for you in any form), but it is the underlying issues that you're not dealing with that cause you to 'escape' from your problems by cutting.

So as someone that is dealing with an addiction, I can understand how you are feeling and what you are struggling with. I'm only now feeling like I've really got a handle on it. Wtinal, Moth, and JahHew have offered some excellent advice. You have an addiction to cutting. What works when dealing with addiction? HONESTY! The more people you engage with you in your struggle the better.

Bring your problem "out into the light" and it will have less of a hold on you. Please PM me if you want to discuss. I'd like to help if I can.

 

Angel, you sound almost exactly like I did when I was fifteen, only nobody I knew face to face knew about my problems then and still only three people I know face to face even have an inkling. I've never seen a therapist and I'm not on pills, so it's a little different, but your thought process seems to be a lot like mine was. I know how you feel... and I'm so glad the support you recieve here is helpful. I hope you can draw enough strength from the support of you online friends to get you through one day at a time. My thoughts and hopes are with you. (*hug*)

 

Angel, I can't really offer you advice about the cutting. I was never a cutter. I'll offer you some hugs though . . . (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)

I have suffered from depression though, and my vice when I get really depressed is food. I stop eating. When I was in college, the school psychologist threatened me to get me to eat because I stopped for about three weeks. I lived on candy bars and diet soda. It wasn't that I wasn't hungry. I was, but when I tried to eat, I just couldn't. I'd choke on what I was trying to eat.

I know cutting isn't the same thing, and I won't claim to understand the thought process, but I'll try to offer you some advice that helped me.

Try to take things one day at a time. Set little tiny goals for yourself, maybe something like, "I will not cut for one hour." And when you reach the goal reward yourself with something you enjoy. Then do the same thing again and again. Try to interrupt the thought process by going for a walk, talking to other on your computer, whatever distracts you from that need to self-harm.

There was a time when I was so depressed I could barely get out of bed, and so my goal would be just to get up in the morning. When I did, I would put a dollar in a jar. When I'd managed to get up for a month, I bought myself a treat. It sounds silly, but it did help.

There are some good suggestions earlier in the post. Please try to be good to yourself, and concentrate on taking things one day at a time.

 

Angel, when I read your posts in this thread etc I wish so much that there was something more I could do to try to help you. I'm sure many people reading this thread feel exactly the same. People here DO care about you. We may not always know what to say, which is perhaps why some people haven't said anything. We all hate it when you are hurting this badly though, and we truly want you to feel better.

Looking forward to getting onto the PC and spending time with your online friends isn't so bad. 20 years ago there was no EC and no Internet, and many of us would have felt a lot more isolated (I would have loved an EC when I was in my teens and early 20s).

There are plenty of times when I am bored at work and look forward to getting home, logging onto EC and catching up with the various discussions and events here. I consider many people here to be my friends, and know from the discussions that there are a lot of closer friendships here than in real life. I have discussed and shared a lot of things with people here that I would be very unlikely to discuss with offline friends!

You have friends here and probably elsewhere online too. It doesn't matter that we are not in the same room as you, we are your friends and we do care about you. (*hug*) (&&&)

 

You read my mind Paul.

Although we may not be in the same room as you Angel, please take comfort knowing that you are not alone. We all want to help you, & provide the support you need to get through. You mentioned that you are still cutting, however the lenght of time & extent of cutting has reduced. I'm pleased to hear this & although it's small progress, it's still progress none-the-less.

It's not strange if you prefer speaking with friends online than going out somewhere. This is the first online group I've joined, & I'm happy to come home & log in as this is a very welcoming place. It's refreshing to see we are all equals here, free from alot of the descrimination or judgement outside.

I really hope that things get better for you Angel. And it may seem like a long road ahead, but we will be here whenever you need someone to talk to....or even to give you a (*hug*)

 

That definitely deserves another (*hug*)

Well done, Angel!

 

Yes! That's great.

ONE DAY AT A TIME!

One hour at a time, or one minute at a time. You only have to make the decision to stop in that moment. Recognize the urge, and surrender it - say to yourself "I feel like cutting right now, but I'm not going to." Call a friend, or post in here. Write in a journal about how you're feeling and why you think you want to cut. Ask yourself if you think you'll feel better or worse after you've cut.

All these things can help you overcome the urge. And believe it or not (although you should believe it if you managed to go 8 months before...) the urge will slowly get weaker and weaker. It will likely never go away completely, but it WILL get better!

I'm so proud of you!!! (*hug*)

 

I think you deserve another (*hug*) and you should be proud of yourself as this is an achievement.

You are fighting a hard battle Angel, there's no denying that. But even if you can't win all the time, you have just proven how strong you ARE.

We are all very proud of your courage & determination. (&&&)

 

(*hug*) That's wonderful news Angel. Remember, one day at a time. Be proud of yourself.