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Giving Gay Another Chance...Why is this so hard?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by out2019, Jul 26, 2020.

  1. out2019

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    I am only just beginning to understand how much internalized homophobia I have and how much denial.
    I have almost never been able to imagine being with a woman. I have a fascination with how they dress, and love their femininity but I have rarely ever been aroused. On the other hand, when I finally allowed myself to imagine being with a guy, it felt so natural.
    Someone here once asked, "who could you imagine coming home to and kissing and saying "I love you"?" I almost collapsed on the floor in happiness when I let myself imagine it.. and it was a cute guy...
    But part of me doesn't think I am gay.
     
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  2. OnTheHighway

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    Based on your overall response, it would seem shame is that part of you holding you back.
     
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  3. out2019

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    It feels very real and it's very difficult to tell what denial or repression or real feelings are... and the allure of women is enough to keep me in doubt, I guess.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    With shame our minds seek to protect us. An emotional wall is built - If we can’t be in touch with our real emotions then we are protected from all emotions including those caused by shame. Breaking down the wall is not an easy task, its been built up over a long period of time. Go back and reread what you wrote:

    You wrote this, so I assume this is how you really feel?
     
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  5. out2019

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    Yes but that allure often convinces me I am attracted to women. Especially because in 'real life' I don't gaze at men that way.
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    I don’t know what you mean by “allure”, do you know what you mean by “allure”? Seems like fuzzy logic to me especially when you are being very clear when you articulated:

    “Allure” = “Shame”
     
  7. out2019

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    wanting to be closer to them wanting to touch them, I just can't seem to have sexual fantasies or not very intense ones but on the street, if I see a woman with a nice butt I have a desire to well, plant my face there..but only in a certain type of clothing - tights or leggings - I mentioned that at the ballet, I see men like that I get turned on an can fantasize. but then that makes me think it's just some fetish.

    I love looking at beautiful women.
     
  8. out2019

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    I just thought of something else - sometimes it feels like the 'gay' side of me is just a fantasy I am running to to escape life.
     
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  9. OnTheHighway

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    The only way your going to live your truth is for you to allow yourself to do so. Whatever truth that is. I hope you find the peace your looking for.
     
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  10. Bastion

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    Yes I have encountered that many times now by gay and straight people alike. There is that negative bias for bi people and it’s strong. I don’t know why?
     
  11. out2019

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    i don't have anything against people who identify that way but it just doesn't even seem like a consideration for me which is weird, because I can definitely tell attractive women and attractive women body parts
     
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  12. Bastion

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    So I am new here and I have been reading this thread and others. So from what I understood you came out gay in 2019 but renounced that this year. So what happened exactly that made you change your mind? Am curious cause I am questioning and I don’t know what I am now exactly. All I know is am not completely straight. Because I’ve had experiences with both men and woman.
     
  13. Chip

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    Actually, I think it is this idea about the 'allure of women' that is keeping you from accepting you're gay. That sounds more like the real issue, especially given what you've described in other posts.

    In the way I hear you describing it, it's a yearning for something you can never have, because the authentic feelings you are yearning for simply aren't there. And it sounds like that's getting in the way of your real feelings.

    If you look at your actual feelings... imagining who you're coming home to, the early masturbatory fantasies, the powerful nature of those fantasies compared with those for women... at least from what you describe, the difference is overwhelming. But as previously mentioned, shame is playing a huge, huge part. You're stuck in the 'bargaining' stage of the stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance), saying, in effect, "Yes, I absolutely know I have attraction to guys, but I'm not ready to let go of this idea that I could still be "normal" and have all the trappings that come with that." It's a real loss, and there's shame with not being "normal". But the problem is, no matter what, we can yearn as much as we want, but we can't be what we are not. So we can either stay stuck in the loop of "But I wish I were this"... or we can say "Well, it sucks that I'm not what I am yearning for. But I can accept who I am, and make the absolute best, most kick-ass experience from who I am".

    And when we do that, there's a freedom that opens up -- which I think you found for a few moments when you imagined who you'd come home to. The key is sticking with that feeling, and grieving the loss of what you can't have.
     
  14. out2019

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    I admit yes, this is the main thing that makes me think that my gay fantasies might be something else.

    The most powerful is being with a lover and having him penetrate me while we gaze into each others eyes and I say 'i love you'...I have never been able to imagine anything like that with a woman..but I feel so ashamed of my most powerful fantasy of intimacy...it's so weird.

    Yes it seems I have been stuck here for some time and keep going back to it.

    Yes, but I have no real motivation as people say, I hold to the idea that I could be 'normal' but no desire for action.. the idea of dating 'meh' as people say.
    When I have acceptance I do feel a sense of freedom but it honestly It's quickly smothered by fear and shame- a sense of disappointing people. it's a dull vague feeling.
     
  15. out2019

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    I just felt detached from the idea..it's hard to explain. I guess if something has no connection in the real world it withers...I started to feel really nervous about the one friend I told and retracted it.
     
  16. OnTheHighway

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    Instead of focusing on if you are or are not gay, consider identifying and focusing on the events in life you were exposed to that suggested being gay is wrong. Don’t worry about whether you are or are not gay, see if you can find closure to all of the negative messaging.
     
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  17. Chip

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    I guess the big question (drawing from the psychological approach known as Choice Theory) is...

    What do you really want? What are you currently doing to get what you want? Is what you're doing working?

    This may take some time to think about. If you're happy where you are, then you don't need to do anything. If you aren't, then really, the practical choice is to do something different than what you are already going. And that most likely means directly confronting the shame head-on. But that's again, only if what you are doing is not working and you want to do something different.
     
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  18. out2019

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    At the very least I am deeply ashamed - I don't know why really I wasn't raised that way - though there was a lot of negative messaging when I was younger.

    But lots of gay people overcame that back then.

    Let's just say I was gay and people found out.. how would I feel? Ashamed, embarrassed with most people. In my head what feels like the most intense sexual and romantic fantasy I am afraid to act on in the real world...

    But personally, how would I feel if one of those romantic fantasies came true?
     
  19. OnTheHighway

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    I had liberal parents, I was not a party to religious homophobic doctrine, I was exposed to heteronormative messaging and I did have trauma in my early developmental years that created shame and diminished my self esteem and self respect. It took time to unpack where the shame was coming from. But once I started understanding the cause and effect, I starting to find closure. And with closure I learned to understand and manage the shame. And that lead me to further embrace myself and live my truth.

    The underlying causes may not always be right in front of you. And sometimes it is a culmination of many small events rather than a one, two or a few large events. Challenge yourself to dig deep inside and unpack where the shame is coming from for yourself.
     
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  20. out2019

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    Sure there was still a lot of teasing and negative messaging when I was growing up and the shame of friends and family and work (even though it's super LGBTQ friendly) stops me in my tracks. It's making a huge change all at once and feels overwhelming. I imagine friends snickering behind their backs
     
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