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Expose myself......

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by merlin, Jul 26, 2013.

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  1. DanD

    DanD
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    I'd love to give a fairly long opinion, but feel unqualified to do so. I think you need to be open with your wife, and give her all the hugs she needs to feel that the fault doesn't lie with anyone; it's just nature.
     
    #61 DanD, Jul 31, 2013
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    No, actually, it's completely different (and that's also more of the "defective thinking" thing happening, which is often what keeps a lot of people in your situation in the closet).

    Here's the difference: With your wife, your existing relationship is completely inauthentic, because you're attracted to men, not women. And so keeping that from her is fundamentally dishonest and isn't doing her a service, even though it may seem like it is. She deserves to find someone that can fully love her and be present with her, and you can't give her that, as much as you want to be able to do so. Usually the best way to see this is to imagine reversing the situation: If your roles were reversed, would you want her to be constantly lying to you? Or would you rather hear the truth, as painful as that truth might initially be?

    Additionally, according to clincian Joe Kort, PhD., who has written extensively about this in his wonderful book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love", once they get past the shock, nearly all women married to homosexual men realize that, in fact, they knew, long before they were told. Kort's 25 years of clinical experience have shown him that the wives were, consciously or unconsciously, complicit in continuing the lie, by avoiding discussion, pretending not to see suspicious activity, or not noticing (or connecting the dots) when their husband's sex drive was lacking.

    Once the cards are on the table, if the relationship is reasonably healthy, you can talk about it and decide what to do. If she's got a reasonable amount of self-confidence, there's no question something like this will shake it for a while, but when she recovers, she'll likely want to look at getting into a relationship with someone who can really love her. And, hopefully, she'll wish the same for you. And therein lies the difference: Once everything is out in the open, you and she will end up happier. That's why the situations are fundamentally different.

    Honesty and authenticity is the right choice in pretty much every case. And one of the issues long-time closeted men face is, when they've spent 40 years being inauthentic, it is hard to even know how to live, act, and behave honestly/authentically, because so much of their energy has gone into hiding who they really are, and trying to combat the shame in that. (That, by the way, is one of the many factors, in insight-based therapy, that once addressed, can have a dramatic effect on one's attractions. But it doesn't happen in 3 or 6 or 10 sessions; it takes time for unconscious to absorb and readjust.)

    So hopefully that provides some deeper insight as to why the situations, which might appear on the surface to be the same, are really very different.
     
    #62 Chip, Jul 31, 2013
  3. merlin

    merlin Guest

    Don't know where my post went, but just to be sure it said: Thanks Chip. That helps indeed. Much appreciated.
     
    #63 merlin, Aug 1, 2013
  4. HEREIAM2

    HEREIAM2 Guest

    There are plenty of younger guys into older (excluding outright gold-diggers)...do they have daddy issues?....I would say almost by definition......and sure most are messed up....but that doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with them (a lot of women are messed up). They deserve a relationship too, with a partner that meets their needs. I am generally into younger but can be into guys my age or substantially older sexy guys (they sure are hard to come by). Never really made a fist of a relationship with a younger guy but sure it can be done.

    ---------- Post added 1st Aug 2013 at 02:44 AM ----------
    Mmmm...interesting. I get come on to by a fair few guys in their 20s.....its rather funny....they kind of realise I am bored with it all (and want something more) and actually the reverse of what one might expect occurs....where they pretend to me they want a meaningful relationship when they really want something much, much briefer. It all bothered me a for a while and I must say I fell for a few guys and got mildly hurt. Some were so dishonest it's almost funny looking back. Now I have learned to go with the flow and I make very little effort and let them do all the work....and enjoy them buying beers. Maybe one day something more will come along...but if it doesnt I can cope...as corny as it sounds Whitney Houston was right "the greatest love of all" does not come from another person...I wish I realised that many years ago.
     
    #64 HEREIAM2, Aug 1, 2013
  5. germanion

    germanion Guest

    Trying to convince this man to make him like +50 men is the same as trying to convince a gay to be straight... I think he has the right to search for someone who fulfills his criteria ... if he found him then that's ok .. if not he can go back to his wife ...

    Good luck merlin
     
    #65 germanion, Aug 1, 2013
  6. RainbowMan

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    This is not at all accurate, and is in fact counterproductive. Trying to convince a gay man to be straight is never going to work - there's no amount of therapy that will make that happen.

    However, with the correct therapy merlin's propensity to like guys half his age can be addressed.
     
    #66 RainbowMan, Aug 1, 2013
  7. skiff

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    Hi,

    He never said he had a fixation, simply if it happens it happens. I am pretty sure he would take a loving relationship that fills his and his partners needs regardless young or older.

    Do we need to "cure" straight guys who like dumb blondes?

    This is a pointless dialogue to me.
     
    #67 skiff, Aug 1, 2013
  8. germanion

    germanion Guest

    Yes Skiff , this is 100% correct .... Merlin came out from closet to find the love that he was dreaming of for his whole life ... he can't find this love with a person +50 .. he has the right to search for this love with a younger guy ... I don't know if he will find it or not .. but it worth a try .. by telling this man that this is impossible , we are making him more depressed and frustrated ... it is exactly like trying to convince a gay to be straight... Go Merlin I hope you will find your love ... and it is not impossible believe me :slight_smile:
     
    #68 germanion, Aug 1, 2013
  9. bdman

    bdman
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    Should a gay man be made to be turned straight. Well, being gay is not a psychological problem and therefore cannot be cured. (reference anybody?)

    Should a straight guy who likes dumb blonds be cured? Again, not a disease.

    Should a 50 something gay guy who only wants romantic relationships with the youngest legal teenager or twenty-somethings seek therapy that may one day lead to a probable healthy relationship with someone closer to his age? Well, I'm not a psychologist so my opinion may count for nothing, but I'll put money on this is a psychological issue that begs treatment.
     
    #69 bdman, Aug 1, 2013
  10. Chip

    Chip
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    The fundamental difference here is whether the other person involved is being harmed.

    Younger women or men going for older men (or women) are, pretty much without exception, dealing with psychological problems. The older men who go along with that are at best perpetuating the problem and often making it worse. That's a little different than being attracted to a hair color; being attracted to someone who is only attracted to you because of low self esteem, insecurity, or a need to deal with an unmet need earlier in life ("daddy issues") is being opportunistic at best.

    Now, there are plenty of opportunistic people who don't give a crap about what's best for those they might be harming... but that doesn't make it right.
     
    #70 Chip, Aug 1, 2013
  11. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Sure wish I had the audacity to deem all people in a demographic needing psychological treatment. I think that was done to the LGBT community once upon a time. I would never have the audacity to label 100% of group in that way.

    Vast generalizations are defective thinking in many circles.
     
    #71 skiff, Aug 1, 2013
  12. HEREIAM2

    HEREIAM2 Guest

    I disagree. It is the same as trying to make a gay man straight. If he can't get attracted to older guys, that IS the nature of his sexuality and he will not be changed. I too am into younger generally and the odd older guy....but your average gay guy my age.....I will never be able to be attracted to and that is that.

    ---------- Post added 1st Aug 2013 at 05:53 PM ----------
    Unfortunately sexuality is not about what is right. It is about what turns you on and society is learning to tolerate this as long as the object of one's desire can consent legally and is not being harmed too much. Many would argue that traditional heterosexual relationships have harmed women. I agree, ideally no younger guy should have daddy issues......but fact is many do.....and that obviously suits guys like me and the OP....we must behave responsibly and ethically so as not to make matters worse.....I do this by not pushing relationships at all. I have accepted they are unlikely to end well. Those here suggesting that being into younger guys is a psychological problem that needs to be cured are sounding like good old fashioned homophobes once did. They are telling us that our sexuality is wrong. I have tried very hard to get into guys my age.....I can't ( I do like some, but the ones I like are in such demand by younger guys that they are unattainable). I am NOT into the "youngest legal teen".....not into under 20s at all...love guys around 21-30 (and love them un-waxed and masculine).
     
    #72 HEREIAM2, Aug 1, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 1, 2013
  13. merlin

    merlin Guest

    Thanks everyone who is wishing me good luck in my search. It's good to know that some agree that I have a right to feel the way I do without having to "correct" it. For the record, I'm not chasing young guys because they are young (as Skiff correctly indicated), I'm looking for someone who fits the interests I have in a man regardless of age. Again, my current experience is simply that that fit is more likely to occur in younger men and so far all of these are straight. So, chances for me to find my love are pretty dim it seems, but at least I can give it a try. If all fails, I may spend the rest of my (short) life alone. So be it. I would not be the only one in the gay community.
     
    #73 merlin, Aug 1, 2013
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