Do you regret divorcing and/or coming out?

My wife is a loving and wonderful woman. We had no fights and she and I had a great relationship. I never cheated on her and tried to be a goid husband. Yet I was gay in my heart of hearts and not bisexual. There was nothing she did could do to compensate for that. She wanted me to be happy. We are having a amicable separation because we want to remain friends (the divorce will happen next year and it will be uncontested). She is the mother of my son and we will be forever joined together as parents and perhaps, one day, as grandparents. I wish everyone could have such a smooth, drama-free ending of their marriage. *smile*

 

I am a high school social studies teacher, a historic interpreter at a museum and a priest. I had to give up the priesthood when I came out. That was a major sacrifice, but it was necessary in order for me to live an authentic life.

 

My wife did wish that I came out earlier but didn't want to stay married when she realized that I was gay.

 

I would say it affected it but, at least from the outside, it may have looked like the reverse of what you are looking for. I was very driven as a young person and I think a lot of it was compensating for what I perceived as inner failings that had to do with my sexuality. Once I came out and was really comfortable and at peace I found that I'm just not very career minded. I mean I would prefer to do something well, rather than something poorly--and I really am grateful that my career funds my personal life rather handily--but I have virtually no ambition and derive virtually none of my identity from my career. Oops...

 

I had the same experience as OGS. I was over the top driven when I was young. Part of that was that I could hide out in academics and career. Later, after I was married, I hid out in extreme sports. You can't think about your sexuality much when you are gripping the side of a rock face.

Since, I came out, I am less driven and OK to be with my thoughts.

We are all different. You could be less anxious with being true to yourself and, depending on your personality, it could help you.

 

Hello
We aren't divorced but separated, we will divorce and I'm sure it won't be easy. I've done my grieving for my marriage with my counselor. My ex wife didn't grieve but jumped into bed with another man. Though she was crying down the phone last week so I think she has started the grieving. Us both letting go now should make the divorce easier. We are working at a friendship of some sort. We have been at war for seven months but it's stopped now and we have to consider our children.

 

I am such a different person for the better. My confidence at work has increased and I have even more responsibility. I think having support from my straight friends at work has helped enormously. I've received no hate for being gay. Yes there is a guy who only speaks to me if he has too but he may be struggling with his sexuality! I'm pushing forward all the time.

I'm sure things will improve for you. Have you seen a counselor? That really helped me.
Jon x

 

My job has been a blessing in some ways. I have worked for a very LGBT-friendly company and had an absolutely wonderful boss for nearly a dozen years, who was openly gay and very much accepted as such by everyone in the company. Since my work "family" was very much separate from the rest of my life, they were the first people I told and were my "dry run" for siblings, wife and children. I had works myself to a comfortable management role in order to pay the bills, but I never had any kind of career foal and still don't know "what I want to be when I grow up". Since I came out, I have found my sense of motivation slipping because I have become more and more aware that my job isn't something I have a passion for, and I am really just trying to stay engaged for a few more years till some of the bills are paid off and I can downsize into something I like better. Whenever I figure out what that may be. My coming out was all triggered by a period of great change in my life--I lost my father after two decades of his slowly declining health; I turned 50 and had a health crisis of my own; my company was going through a period of major change; my beloved boss nearly died of cancer and retired; and my marriage had reached critical mass. All that change had its effect on my work and I have switched positions several times since. I think I have found something suitable that I can do for another 5 or 10 years, but who knows. I find I am more likely to risk a change, but also more likely to lose patience with things I find pointless and annoying.

I do remain very comfortably out at work, meaning that if our relationship is work-only you will know basically nothing about me, but if you tend to sit and chat on a personal level, you will know I'm gay within a short time, because my arsenal of "St. Olaf stories" (Golden Girls reference) contains references to my kids, my ex, my partner, you name it, and they are all pretty seamlessly connected.

Regarding the marriage, divorce and second-guessing it and such, I keep realizing more and more that in our case, it was the right thing to do and will ultimately be best for all of us. I have stopped being the intermediary between my ex and the girls, and they have been able to develop a much more realistic relationship with their mother, and will be able to decide on their own how to relate to her. And since she and I are no longer a package deal, I feel like their problems with her will no longer pose a threat to my relationship with them, and vice versa. I've wondered why I put up with her crap as long as I did, but then I look at the kids and realize it was so they would have a sane parent in residence long enough that they were close to adulthood. She has talked about feeling that she "lost her best friend", but that's mostly drama, since my role in her life was much closer to a servant. I am fond and somewhat protective of her because I know her quirks, and how unaware and unbelieving and incredulous and devastated she would be if she were faced with her real self. The best thing I can do for her is to accept her as she is, and there's no way I could do that while living with her.

 

Do you exercise or have hobbies. I get low mood and find a weights work out, a run or a fast walk really helps my mental health.

 

Look, tell her when your ready. Have you money to survive if you need to stay in a hotel or some place if it didn't go well? I put money aside for a number of months and planned ahead.

 

This is indeed a tough decision. Many of us have made the exact same one and pretty sure most would tell you it ain’t easy. That being said the end result was worth the anguish and discomfort. There is no question it won’t be easy for both you as both your lives will drastically change. However that change will allow you both to eventually find the life you desire. From my experience it is hard if not impossible to put gay back in the bottle once you’ve uncorked it so to speak. Good luck.

 

Hi @JToivonen -- here's wishing you luck! Whenever you talk with your wife will be the perfect time. It definitely takes courage and determination. It's also OK if you decide you're not ready. Good luck, man! Keep posting!