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Do you regret divorcing and/or coming out?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by JToivonen, May 30, 2019.

  1. Nic2552

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    Why don’t you write her a letter expressing yourself? And sent you to her . I know it’s old school but it will get your point across.
     
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  2. JToivonen

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    Well, I'm the main provider at home, so I have the means to survive alone. I also consider that, when I finally have the strength to tell her that we'll go different ways in life, I'll ask her if she'd rather have me around for sometime, sleeping in a different bedroom, or if she wants me to move right away.

    In case the second option is the one she chooses, I consider going either to my mother's or father's home (they're divorced). I'll also come out to them then, since I'll need to give them an explanation and I want to come out anyway. But I don't know how they'll react, but I suspect that it's going to be awful, especially with my mother, since she's a fundamentalist Christian. If both of them refuses to shelter me, than I have some friends who I can run to and stay there for a while before I can arrange things for myself.
     
  3. JToivonen

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    I don't know about that... I'd probably feel even more coward than I already do. I was never scared of a fight before, hehe...and I like to solve things personally, eye to eye. I'm afraid it'd end up being worse.
     
  4. SevnButton

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    It's totally OK, @JToivonen ! When the time is right, it will happen. Meanwhile, you can work on finding answers to the questions that you have. When I had the Big Talk with my wife, I wrote it out ahead of time, arranged a good private place and time, then read what I had written. That really helped me to think about what I wanted to say. I rehearsed a lot too.
     
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  5. Nickw

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    @JToivonen

    Don't feel too pressured about having this discussion. As others have written, you have to decide when the best time for you will be.

    I wrote a letter when I came out. But, the letter was different in that I was coming out to save my marriage not get out of it. So, the tone of my letter was different. I used the letter mostly as a outline and sort of as a love letter. I gave her the letter the next day after we had the "Big Talk" as @SevnButton called it. In your case, the letter may just be more painful.

    I know that you will get some criticism and anger from others. We hear some of the comments even on this forum about how could we marry knowing we were gay or bisexual? How could we hurt someone we, supposedly, love? I know that you have figured this out by now. But, I feel it is worth reinforcing. "This is not your fault". We learned when we were young that we were supposed to live in a particular way. To find a wife and raise a family. Our behavior was influenced because we subscribed to a belief system and many of us felt that was enough to overcome our biology. We find out later it that we cannot be something we are not. But, most of us got into this situation with the best of intentions.

    I've talked to a lot of husbands who have come out to their wives. I think, in general, we make pretty good husbands which makes it harder, sometimes on our wives. Many are willing to keep marriages alive because of "everything except that" it is a pretty good marriage. We all know this isn't true. We, and our wives, need to be able to have the sort of loving relationships that nourish our sexuality and we need to be who we are meant to be.

    When you practice your letter, maybe reinforce that you really did enter the marriage because you loved her. That you have learned that you cannot be what she needs because that love can never be complete. Be prepared for some serious anger and grief. You can only support her feelings and empathize.

    Best of luck.
     
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  6. Contented

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    You are not a coward. What you are planning on doing is very difficult and stressful for you and will be for your family. You only do this when you are ready. If it takes awhile so be it. This is a marathon not a sprint. There are a lot of great suggestions here on EC and we all have our own take on the process of coming out however this is your coming out and it needs to be on your terms. Once you come out you can begin to put the pieces of your new gay life together as it fits what you hope and dream of. I can say coming out is so liberating it’s almost intoxicating at the start. Keep moving towards your goal and you will find the your path on the journey to your true sexual orientation.
     
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  7. JToivonen

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    Thank you for all the support and good luck wishes!

    Well, last night we talked. I told her that I could no longer live the way I'm living now. It's unfair to both of us.

    I mentioned some of the stories that I'd read here and elsewhere on the internet of guys who came out after decades of marriage. I asked her if she'd rather do it now, while we're still young, or if she wants to wait and live in agony for decades to come.

    She already knew that I'm gay, I'd told her before. But she's expecting a miracle. And that's what she told me last night.

    She's always been a Christian, but she's become more of a fervent believer since I came out to her. She kept telling me that God has a plan for both of us, but He has to shatter me into very tiny pieces first, so I'll be able to be a much better man. That it's going to be hard, but in the end I'm going to find peace of mind and we're going to be the lovely couple that we once were.

    She didn't say she believed those things. She said she knew them for sure. According to her, God had talked to her in a very crystal clear way.

    She also mentioned my depression, saying that I'm repelling her because when we are depressed, we do that with the people we love. She said also that Satan had found a breach in my soul, so he entered and created a turmoil, considering that his goals are "to steal, kill and destroy". But when she looks at me and realises that I'm so torn, so sad, so destroyed, she understands that it's the Holy Spirit fighting back inside of me, because God and Sim can't be together in the same place, so Jesus is fighting to get my heart back. But Satan won't go down easily.

    She also keeps saying that she prays over me all the time. She keeps asking God "please, come back to me", because she loves me deeply and I'm her charming please. She won't just let me go.

    I feel incredibly guilty. I feel like I'm suffering a meltdown, literally collapsing from the inside. I could barely eat, sleep nor work. Seriously, I'm on the verge of suicide.

    But also gave her a ultimatum. If God is oh so powerful, he has to "fix" me up to a certain date that I told her. If nothing happens, I'm out.

    Never thought it'd be so tiresome...
     
    #47 JToivonen, Jun 4, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2019
  8. FooFight54

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    @JToivonen,
    I so sorry, my heart aches for you! Hang in there, I hope it gets better!

    FooFight54
     
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  9. regkmc

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  10. jsm

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    Oh no, @JToivonen - I’m so sorry that was such a rough conversation. I can’t imagine how it would be to try to combat someone’s “God reasoning.” There really is no talking someone out of those beliefs when it’s hitting them in their own home.

    If I read your post right, did you set a date by which to be un-gay or it’s over? I fear you’re only extending what was already a really tough conversation. It’s not going to be any easier the second time around. My heart goes out to you. I do hope she’ll come around to better understanding and compassion. Her perspective definitely makes an already difficult process much harder to see through.

    Hang in there!
     
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  11. Chiroptera

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    Hey JToivonen,

    I'm sorry if this seems a bit repetitive, but don't feel guilty. You aren't doing anything wrong. On the contrary, you are being honest with yourself and with her.

    With all due respect to your wife, especially since I don't know if that's the case with her, but some people here in Brazil have the habit of putting Satan in everything they don't like or don't understand. As you probably know, some even get to the point of seeing delusional "subliminar messages" by Satan in Disney movies for kids, and I bet some people outside from Latin America would read this very post and then look at my avatar and say something like "See, that guy in the picture is Satan, smiling as a way of fooling us to believe he is a good guy!" (poor Chapolin).

    Regardless of one's religion and beliefs, there comes a point where people are simply exaggerating and being alarmists. Sexual orientation is about one's feelings and attractions. It is natural and normal, and you can't fix something that isn't broken. It has nothing to do with Satan or an evil communist plan to infiltrate the minds of young people so they can dominate the world (yeah, I've heard that one too). Those ideas simply don't make any sense.

    As I said in another post, I don't think your wife is doing this because she is a bad person. On the contrary, she may be genuinely trying to help you. However, the fact that she is trying to do good doesn't mean she is correct about this.

    Breaking up or even trying to resolve a problem in a marriage is certainly not a great thing. No one wakes up in the morning and say "Wow, I'll come out to my wife and break up with her, and that will be awesome!". Obviously that's not how it works. It is a very hard thing to do, for sure. However, this isn't only about "destruction". It is a hard process, but being honest with oneself and with your wife will also be better for both of you in the long term, regardless of the final decision. After all, a relationship where you can't be honest and just be yourself isn't a healthy relationship. A relationship needs to be a two-way street, and not a one-way street where just one part works in the benefit of the other.

    Anyway, I think I'm writing too much (again). But I wish you the best and, as you already know, we are here if you want to talk about all of this.
     
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  12. Contented

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    As many have already said you can’t pray the gay away and I am pretty sure the devil is not involved here.
    This is a difficult path however you will need to follow it to its logical undeniable conclusion embracing a gay life style. I don’t think any time limit or prayer session or religious intervention is going to change the inevitable. I wish you luck and know we are here as a sounding board for you.
     
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  13. NotTooLoud

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    Choirboy,
    Wow, I read this and I had to keep looking at the name who posted it because I kept thinking it was me. I, too, was in a relationship that I really wanted to last a lifetime. I had ways of dealing with my feelings for men and stilll found sex with my wife okay. It was only after I decided that she'd gone too far that I began to aknowledge my feelings for other people, and those people were men (although I did not act on those feelings). Once I began to see her not as a team player in our marriage (as she seemed to have never been), I started to think about how my life might have been without her. I realized I could have been so much better of a father if I had not been working a second job to pay for her shopping addictions and I could have been home to intercede (or do something!) when things were really going wrong between her and our daughter. It really was very damaging to my children that I remained with her as long as I did. I only came out to her as a way to really get out of the marriage, which I had been dreaming about for a very long time.
     
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  14. JToivonen

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    Hey, @jsm !

    Yes, You read it right. That's precisely it. But let me explain my reasoning:

    I don't expect to be "un-gayed" (and, according to her, neither does she). But I have been facing a lot of guilty over the whole "wanting to go different ways" issue (among other things), and that makes me anxious - which is new to me, since I've never had anxiety problems (except when I was to be intimate with women, than I'd get really anxious)...and I also came from a divorced family and that sucked big time. So my therapist once mentioned that, for me not be that guilty, it might be interesting for me to "try it all" so I'd understand that, if I really eventually leave her, I'll then know that I really, really will have done my best and I'll be able to leave feeling better about myself.

    And then, while I was listening to her reaction I thought "you know what? If what's she's saying is really true, then God is going to find a way to stay married and be fulfilled". Again, I don't expect him to make me straight, neither I'll try to pray the gay away. I told her that I simply refuse trying that again. But maybe during this time I'll be able to find a way to live peacefully with my urges without acting on them. If it works, great, I'll be fulfilled, happy and I won't have to divorce.

    But I warned her that I was not going to wait forever. I don't want to live a "half life" for decades to come. Wherever I'll be in the near future, I want to be there 100%. I told her that, so she already knows that, if nothing changes inside of me, if after this period of time I still feel unfulfilled and unhappy, I'll leave.

    I know it sounds crazy, but that was the way I find to do it trying to be as peaceful to myself as possible. I know it's also dangerous, because resentments may get stronger. But I have to try that, to give my marriage one last chance. We've built a beautiful life together, my love for her has always been sincere (even though there's no lust anymore), so I have to give it one last shot.
     
    #54 JToivonen, Jun 5, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2019
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  15. JToivonen

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    Thanks once again, @Chiroptera ! Don't worry, I like "textões" (long texts, for those who aren't familiar with the Portuguese language, haha!), so I don't mind them. Don't worry about sounding repetitive, either. It's actually helpful to me, since I feel I need reinforcement and encouragement.

    I personally do not believe being gay is a sin - not anymore. I grew up with this idea and that messed me up. But I came to terms with it. I feel peaceful, even joyful, about accepting that I'm a gay man - and I'm no less of a man because I'm attracted to guys. Funny thing is: I feel the opposite. Since I admitted to myself that I was gay, I started to feel stronger and prouder of that. It has really empowered me! Next step now is living according to that.

    When I truly started to see myself as gay, I didn't feel guilty, dirty or ashamed. So how come could it be a sin? How could it be the evil trying to fool me? The struggles she sees in me are all about the fact that going out means ending my marriage and all the guilt, pain and fears it represents. But she doesn't understand that. Honestly, I don't blame her, how could I? We have lived wonderful things together, so losing it all is really tough.
     
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  16. JToivonen

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    I won't try to pray the gay away. I'd done it all my life up to the moment that I realised it's pointless. So I won't go down that road again. I simply refuse that.

    The time I mentioned is about trying to see if I can be happy while being a gay man married to a lovely straight woman. She says "God will find a way". I read cases here of people who are still happily married even though they're gay. So maybe it may happen to me too. But if it doesn't, I'm out. And now she knows that I won't wait much longer.
     
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  17. JToivonen

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    In a nutshell (difficult to me, as I write a lot!) it all comes down to one thing: I decided that, by this year's holidays, I'll be happy. Period. I won't accept living in my currently unhealthy state of mind anymore.

    Either with her, alone or with a gay man like me, I decided that I'll be happy during next Christmas.
     
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  18. jsm

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    It feels like you have a clear idea of where you’re heading even if you don’t know the end. I’m really happy to hear that :slight_smile:
     
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  19. Chiroptera

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    It seems to me that your heart and mind are in the right place. It doesn't make things easy, but having a clear path is certainly easier than having none.

    If you feel like sharing your story as it goes on, or if you need more advice or a place to vent, we are here! :slight_smile:
     
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  20. Dionysios

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    I tried praying the gay away for decades. It never worked. During those years I was racked with feelings of shame, sin and guilt. It wasn't until I finally accepted last year that I was gay that I finally was able to lift this terrible weight from my soul. Now I feel good within myself because I now accept that this is how God made me.

    Now I am in a fulfilling and authentic relationship with a guy which feels far more satisfactory and natural than anything I had with my wife. You have one life my friend. Don't waste it trying to live a shadowy false one. You are on the right path. Stay the course. You will be far happier in the future!