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Do you regret divorcing and/or coming out?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by JToivonen, May 30, 2019.

  1. NotTooLoud

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    Yes, it is so much easier to leave when the other person is being demanding and cruel.
     
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  2. Dionysios

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    Perhaps you were in love with the idea of being in love? Perhaps you were smitten by a case of infatuation? The deep burning love that you describe doesn't vanish like morning fog. Indeed, that kind of true live deepens over time. That you don't feel it is telling, because it may have never really existed.

    You were long in denial about your true orientation. You may eventually experience a real case of genuine love in the future. I am in a same-sex relationship and I find that I have passion and real eroticism - traits lacking from decades in my straight marriage. I am much more satisfied because now I am being true to myself. I trust that the same will happen to you one day.
     
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  3. justaguyinsf

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    I understood what you mean. What I was trying to say, probably not too well, is that you need to gather information and really think in the quietness of your own mind what is right for you ... people on here (in my opinion) tend to be unrealistically positive whenever someone says they are thinking of coming out. And if someone has a negative experience it sort of gets swept under the rug. So my point was to decide what's right your yourself after thinking things through in a realistic way.
     
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  4. Contented

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    I think many of us who come to terms with our same sex attraction later in life feel similar where did that “love and attraction to the opposite sex go. In my case I started to realize it was never truly there. For sure I was playing the role and made myself believe it. However when I met the man who triggered my becoming aware of my homosexuality my perspective started changing dramatically. I began to see that for decades I was faking it and as this realization occurred my attraction and love for women started to wane significantly to the point of non existence. I too questioned at the beginning how could this be. But in retrospect there were sign posts I missed along the way. I can say without question I am more fulfilled, happy , enjoying true love romantic, sexual, passionate and emotional for the first time in a same sex relationship. It will happen for you as well.
     
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  5. JToivonen

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    I feel somehow very similar, but not in the financial sense, but in the emotional aspect. I feel she's very dependent on me, so it makes me feel even more guilty. And, as I mentioned, she keeps hugging me, smiling at me, saying "I love you", leaving cute notes, texting me lovely things...it makes it all harder. Because I know I either can't do the same or I'll have to lie. It just breaks my heart.

    I worry about how she's going to put herself together after the breaking up.

    It definitely would make things MUCH easier if she were a bitch.
     
    #105 JToivonen, Jun 11, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2019
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  6. JToivonen

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    Oh, sorry, now I see it.

    I've considered that. And I'm trying to create a balance in my mind, so I have all the information I need (or at least that I can get) to make the best decision.

    Coming from a religious background and currently going to church as I am, I have enough reasons and information to convince me to stay in my marriage. I needed to hear from the other side too - the one who left in order to be out.
     
  7. Dionysios

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    My wife was a real sweetie pie, which made our separation all the harder. It is easier to split if the relationship has soured. I also worried about how she was going to make it. Yet we can't live out unfulfilling lives just out of a sense of obligation. Your wife and mine would have to do this if we dropped dead. We cannot take care of others forever. My wife us adjusting better than I thought. It's goid for her to become independent. So too your wife has to take charge of her life and you my friend need to do the same.
     
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  8. JToivonen

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    Well...it might have happened already. I've met someone. And he rocked me to my chore.

    My feelings for her didn't simply vanished. She has that impression, but they were fading with time. I tried hard, really hard, for them not to go away. I told myself that I wasn't going to go down without a fight. But now they're gone. I confess I somehow wish that they could come back.
     
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  9. JToivonen

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    Wow...what you wrote rings so many bells. I've met this guy who triggered this awareness you talked about. And I also saw many sign posts that I either missed, ignored, misread our thought that I was the one who read them incorrectly. Meeting him made me realise who I really am.
     
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  10. JToivonen

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    the

    I thank you all who keep posting here, talking to me, helping me out... I don't want you to waste your time trying to help someone clueless and beyond repair as me. Sometimes I feel I'm going in circles...I feel completely confused and lost. But I hope I eventually will get on my feet again.
     
  11. Chiroptera

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    You didn't mention feeling sexually attracted to her, fantasizing about her and deeply enjoying sex with her. Sex and desire aren't everything in a relationship, that's true, but this is an important part which can't be ignored.

    You may have liked her, and it is possible that you still do care about her. But, based on what you describe, it doesn't sound like you are interested in her like a wife, a lifelong partner, a sexual partner.

    About the "Satan x God" thing, it is understandable that you are confused, but note that not only it doesn't make sense (to be blunt, we are talking about human love, emotions and attractions, not a celestial battle), but these ideas are indeed manipulative. Again, look at our country: How many times you have seen crimes and prejudice being justified in the name of God? There are famous people who intentionally use religion and emotions to manipulate others to the point of causing people to question their own emotions, because "feeling that is Satan's work". That's a lie.

    Please not that I'm not talking about religion or religious leaders in general. On the contrary, more and more temples and churches are opening themselves to rhe LGBT+ community. Still, unfortunately, it isn't uncommon to find charlatans using the good will of people to manipulate these people, which includes reinforcing prejudice.

    Finally, about when you said things would be easier if your wife wasnt a nice person, it is important to note that, as much as it is hard, you may need to be the one acting upon a decision. If someone decides it is best to end a relationship, waiting for the other part to end it only delays the conclusion of the process and the suffering.

    I don't want to make you rush things or interpret this as "do this and do that". You are the one living this, and, in the end, it's your call and your decision. However, be careful not to avoid the problem, hoping your wife will make a decision for you. This may only make things harder and extend this process.

    What do you think?
     
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  12. JToivonen

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    I truly thought of her as a lifelong partner. And since we were both virgins when we married, I fantasized that sex would be great! I was pretty sure it'd be awesome, even though I already fantasized about men...anyway, sex with her was always meh...she has a part in it too, since she's so uptight, self-conscious and puritan. But as the time passed by, my sexual drive towards her lowered, in the same amount my drive towards men increased. Now I don't want to be intimate with her - or any other woman. Not at all. She blames the pills, but I now I still lust for men, greatly.

    Yeah, those religious ideas...they can be very manipulative. And I feel manipulated sometimes. But, since I gave her sometime until I decide if I stay married or not, I gave both her and God the benefit of doubt - not to "ungay" me. Far from that. But I want to see if it's possible for us to have a healthy marriage around the fact that I'm same-sex attracted. If we find a way, fine. Win-win. If we don't (or she does, but I don't), then I'll leave her knowing that I did my very best, everything within my reach to save our marriage.

    I just came from a session with my therapist and that was very empowering! I no longer can continue to live the way I'm living, so I decided that, even during the time that I decided to "wait and see", somethings regarding my relationship with my wife have to change. And I'll put the "gay issue" aside - things that have to change and that I've been avoiding for a long time. Those things have become a huge burden, so they have to change right now.

    And I'll tell her that this won't be a negotiation - even if she changes, I may as well leave her at the end of the process. You see, thanks to you guys and my therapist I just realised that I've created along the years a protective dome where I placed my wife. She's very sensitive, so I wanted to protect her at any cost. But I went too far...guess it was caused by a mixture of she's being very sensitive and anxious, my sense of duty and responsibility to protect her and being the leader of the house, some sort of Super Man, and not wanting to be my dad (my dad divorced my mom when I was six, after years of mistreat and neglect. I grew up hearing from others that my father was a jerk, so I promised myself that I'd never do that to any woman). But the time has come for us to have a real talk and see, realistically, what can be done.
     
    #112 JToivonen, Jun 11, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2019
  13. Contented

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    Your last line is truly powerful “ realizing who you really are.” I connect with this as like you a wonderful man helped me realize I was not who I was pretending to be. That realization was both shocking and then again not so much. For years I pretended to be this straight, masculine,sports enthused, male with a career he loved with a young hot wife I couldn’t get enough of. Truth be told once the curtain was lifted it turned out none of that was who I truly was. Under that facade was a very gay man longing to exhibit more of his feminine side ,dreaming of being with another man and more creative career endeavor. It took meeting the man that is now my BF/partner to finally see the real me.
    I am so much happier letting the real me out. Of course it wasn’t easy, nor did it happen overnight but it was so so worth all the issues, problems and challenges this transition provided. I can unequivocally I love being gay. This is who I am and always wanted to be.
     
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  14. JToivonen

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    Wow, I must say that I right now feel really empowered! Like if I was ready to tame life, grab it by its horns!

    I'm the only one with the power to change the course my life takes. And it starts now.

    I've just texted my wife saying we're going to talk tonight.

    Thank you guys for giving the strength to do it!
     
    #114 JToivonen, Jun 11, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2019
  15. JToivonen

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    That is SO true! Meeting him made me feel really proud of who I really am! When we first met, I was expecting to feel dirty or ashamed...but it made me feel proud of being gay! I felt proudly free! And it was so, so hot! With him I experienced things I never anticipated in life... regarding pleasure, freedom, self awareness...it was a life changing event.

    Right now we're not talking to each other. I miss him greatly, but it's actually being good because now I know that, if I do come out, if at the end of my waiting time I decide to separate from wife, I'll know that I'll be doing that for me, not for him.
     
  16. JToivonen

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    Just a quick update about what happened to me yesterday:

    - I came out to my best friend. First time I talked to a guy about it (other than my therapists). He was incredibly supportive. He said that he felt a sense of proud for me and that I was brave to be open about it. He wasn't judgemental at all and that was really important;

    - I once again talked to my wife, about the things I wish could be changed in order for us to have a better relationship during this time. She wasn't very excited about it, obviously, but she wants to try. I'm not sure if it's going to work, but I have to give it a try. I feel incredibly anxious, guilty and unsure about the future. I told her once again that, if I don't find peace of mind, I'll leave her because it'll be better for both of us. She's devastated and so am I. And today is Valentine's Day in my country...so it feels awful. I feel deeply guilty and ashamed;

    - People at work know something is not right about me. They've talking about it;

    - My sister suggested for me to try a therapist with an approach that allows a change regarding sexual orientation...she says it's not "gay healing" nor "gay conversion", it's something different... I'm a bit nervous about it...but my sister is affording everything (including the tickets for me to go to the town where she lives, every two weeks), so I thought "why not?". Really, what else do I have to lose?
     
  17. DecentOne

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    Dangers include gaining shame, being sidetracked from being yourself, and at minimum a delay for you and your wife to deal with reality and live your lives with joy. Anything trying to change you from the real you is going to mess with your mental health and ultimate adjustment to reality. Please resist.
     
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  18. JToivonen

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    I'm aware of those things...that it can be really damaging. But I said to my sister that I'll talk to this therapist just to see what she has for me. I made no promises about continuing seeing her after the first session. And I'll ask the therapist a lot of questions before opening up.

    I think I'm also a little calmer because I told my wife two days ago that, if things don't change, I'll come out. I know it was hard on her. But as many of you have said, it's for the best, for both of us. Telling her that relieved some of the pressure that I was feeling about making my marriage work, since I realistically told her that we may have to go different ways in the near future. I hope it'll give her some time to get ready for the worst, if it really happens.
     
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  19. Chiroptera

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    Be really careful about this. The so called conversion "therapy" (or "sexual orientation change therapy" or whatever someone wants to call it to sugar coat what it really is) isn't a real type of therapy, and it has absolutely no scientific basis. The charlatains who call themselves "therapists" use the shame and confusion on a person's mind to supress their real feelings. It may temporarly teach the person to fool him/herself, but it doesn't change one's orientation and may cause a lot of serious problems in the future, as the person will be living a lie. You can't change who you are and you can't fix what isn't broken. Trying to do that may be extremely harmful.

    I would also like to remind you that this type of therapy isn't supported by the CFP here in Brazil (the Federal Council of Psychology), and the Resolution 001/99 explicitly forbids therapists to work in events or treatments related to the "treatment" or "cure" of homosexuality.

    A recent legislative battle in our country aimed to undo this resolution, but it was maintained after the CFP presented evidence against the dissolution of these rules, and they also warned that the "therapies" of sexual reversion have no effect, as pointed out by studies done by national and international scientific communities, besides provoking sequels and aggravations to the psychic suffering (I have basically translated this phrase from the link above, of the official site of the CFP, so this isn't my personal opinion).

    The World Health Organization ceased to consider homosexuality a problem decades ago, and the organization warns people against the discrimination, still common in our world.

    The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) compiled a list of scientific and social organizations that manifested themselves against "reparative therapy". These include the World Psychiatric Association, the American School Health Association and the American Psychological Association. You can find the links to these affirmations on the article from the HRC, which I have linked.

    In resume, yes, you do have much to lose if you try to change your sexual orientation in a "therapy" with a charlatain. These people are manipulative, and, even if you present them with the numerous studies, evidences and positions on the entire world from all kinds of organizations who recognized the dangers of these so called "therapies", they will try to justify their position by saying these organizations aren't trustworthy, that science is trying to go against God's will or any other bullshit like that. This is serious and has nothing to do with going against one's beliefs. This is about health, humanity and practices that are proven to be extremely harmful and shame inducing. When there are clear risks, this isn't about "You should give it a try". It may make things much worse.

    Here in Brazil, if a someone is found trying to change someone's orientation, that person should be reported to the CFP. If that person is registered on the council (and not lying about it), it is very likely that they will revoke their license. And that's not because they are "evil" or "hiding a secret", like conspiracists like to say. It's because they are professionals who have studied for years to help people, not break them using a "technique" without any basis.

    Talk to your therapist about this (your real therapist, certified on the CFP). But, please, be careful about this. I can't tell you what to do, but if there's an advice from me you should listen to is: Avoid these "conversion therapies". These may make things a lot worse for you. They will use all sorts of manipulative ideas to convince you (including arguing that we, LGBT+, are the ones trying to manipulate you). But this isn't a matter of opinion or position: The dangers and inefficacy of "conversion therapy" (and, again, whatever other name people are using to sugar coat these practices) are known in the entire world and opposed by many organizations, such as the WHO. Please avoid this.
     
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  20. Contented

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    Please don’t fall for this reversion therapy BS plain and simple. Not only dangerous but a waste of time you could be spending working on coming out. There is no magic secret formula, ritual, medicine, therapy, religion, or magic beans that changes your same sex attraction. Face it we are gay and always will be. It just took some of us longer to get to the party. I can’t imagine now not wanting to be gay. It opened up a wonderful world of fulfillment I never imagined. This too can be yours. Proudly, openly forever a homosexual!
     
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