Do you (or did you) get moments when it (almost) goes away?

Yes, absolutely. And it was shocking and troubling at first, cause when I finally allowed it in, it was pretty all consuming. But, it happened to me. I didn't feel like I was questioning either, exactly. I knew something had changed. Maybe it's a part of the bargaining process?

I think there's something in every feeling, no matter how intense, that relents if only cause it burns out after awhile, runs out of fuel, overwhelms itself.

What ever will be, will be

 

I'd say I'm going through something similar right now. About two or three weeks ago I thought about women a lot, noticed them in the street, fantasized about them all the time, was very attracted to the woman that made me question (somebody I see regularly but can't have a romantic relationship with), it was pretty intense and I was quite convinced I'm gay and feeling good about that. But then the intensity of the feelings decreased, I found myself having a few thoughts about a male friend I spent some time with, noticed a certain other man looking my way and felt almost excited rather than nervous (very rare for me) and the last few days I don't think about women and don't find them all that attractive. I did however have a rather nice dream about making out with an unknown girlfriend... Hmmm.

It's been on and off like that in the past. I've noticed that for me it seems to broadly correspond to hormonal changes. At the times of month I feel generally in the mood I tend to think about women. When I'm not so interested in sex I notice men more. Or maybe I'm simply bisexual?

But like you say, I don't feel the overwhelming need to KNOW any more (started questioning last Autumn). I'm more relaxed about it all and watching my changing feelings with interest and more acceptance for their fickle nature. Also I'm noticing in various other areas of my life the huge difference between how I feel when I fantasize and how I feel when it comes to the reality of actually doing or saying something. So I suppose until I end up in bed with someone, noting the feelings and keeping it open is all I can do (I have zero experience with women).

 

My theory is hormonal fluctuations, because that's what I feel like drives my desire for sex or lack thereof. When you are in a part of your cycle that makes you crave it, that's when you fantasize/visualize more and feel more attraction to random women.

I say go with the flow... At first when you think about being gay, it is totally all consuming. It's not on my mind 24/7 anymore either, though in my case, I'm absolutely sure where I am on the sexuality spectrum.

 

RJay, that's exactly how I see it too! And I find it very surprising how I can go from a horny-teenager phase to I could enter a convent and not mind within about a week. How does that work in a relationship?? Especially with a woman whose rhythm could be the opposite? I don't have much experience to be honest, even with my husband before separating our sex life was prcatically non-existent.

Sorry I missed that part of your message earlier. I see how that makes things even harder... I don't know that aspect of the situation as I'm separated from my huband for reasons other than sexuality. So I guess that lifts some of the pressure to know.

 

Before I came out to myself I would be like this - oh I don't feel like having gay sex so i am not gay, or I could live without pursuing gay sex....As others have said, I think its something to do with sex drive. but now when I have the 'down' time - when sex isn't at the forefront, I still think of myself as a gay man and continue to do things to pursue romance with a man. I think that is directly tied into the decision to decide to accept myself and actually like it.

 

This is where I am at right now. I'm thinking I could only stay in "crisis mode" for so long so I'm less obsessed and freaking out. Things are more relaxed and I'm not so compulsively thinking about everything. I'm committed to trying my hardest to work on sex with my husband. I'm not thinking so much of the possibility of leaving. It is very possible it is all related to hormones and things could come back with full force in a week. But I truly want things to work with my husband. So we are going to do sex therapy/tantra, and just try and get things better there. In the mean time I enjoy life with him, so I don't feel I have to figure this all out now. But who knows what will happen in the future.

For me, I am going with the possibility that sure I am on the spectrum, maybe leaning towards women. Sex problems are so common in marriage so I am trying to go with possibility we may just have things to work on. I have to give my husband the biggest chance I can. I'm glad things have settled down a bit for you with stressing about it all. Regardless what happens, keep paying attention to what you are feeling.

 

If you were serious about this, then I would start recording moods, times of the month, diet, sleep, stress and see when the fantasies come up. If they are related to high stress, for example, can you do something to relieve stress or entertain yourself. Another thing you could do is make a firm decision about those fantasies. You can say they are just that and they will remain that.

It really sounds like your wearing yourself down like this.

On the other hand, do you really wish they would just go away? or just come true?

 

Do you think this is partly because deep down there is a part of you that wants the relationship to be over but you don't want it to be down to you that it fails? I don't mean this in a bad or a rude way.

 

LIDD: It sounds like you know what you really want, but don't think its possible to get there.
It could just an accident, but you say you're still questioning but to you notice that you wrote "as gay too"?

 

Yeah I can understand where you are coming from with that.

 

Sex had never really been good for us either. Maybe the first couple months. I wonder the same thing.. not sure how much is due to sexuality or just not being the most sexually compatible.

 

I think it's probably more complicated than this but for me in simple terms it would be...

If you are sexually attracted and want to have sex with them it's just the sex isn't great then you are probably perhaps not the best match or there are other factors at work.

If you are not really fussed whether or not you have sex or you don't desire it with that person then that is more likely down to being gay.

 

It's hard because my mom is always paralleling her situation with my dad to what I am going through. She admitted she never really was too sexually attracted to him- hence two affairs. They started swinging with other couples and this "fixed" everything for her. My dad desperately wanted her no matter what it took so despite his apprehension, he agreed to do it too. So my mom things what I am feeling is SO normal because of her experience. She's also pushing the swinging thing but I don't think that's the best deal right now.

I do think it's possible the sexual attraction thing and lack of desire to have sex could be do to more than being gay. But then again it could very well mean I'm gay. I'm pretty sure I'm at least more gay than straight.. but I need to try and see what I can fix or work on with my husband before I come to any great decision.