Death

OK, so what is it that you want? If you could have an infinite number of wishes right now, what would they be?

 

So leave the house. You're of age. Technically they can't do anything. Leave the house and start you're own life! That's what I'm doing now. My stepmom also goes through my phone and everything too. There was a period of time when I had to leave the bathroom door open and I couldn't be upstairs or downstairs by myself. So I totally feel you with the no privacy thing. But just get out of the house please! That's what is causing it. There's so much of your life ahead of you!! Please don't end it! It will get better! Please...

 

Interesting. You have very reasonable wishes, but you've tied them down with assumptions and conclusions. Let's go through this.

1) Parents' acceptance
All children want their parents to accept them. It's a biological mechanism to ensure survival. Seriously, think about that. Over the tens of thousands of hundreds of thousands of years, those children who worked the hardest to be accepted by their parents got more attention, more food, more shelter, more protection. To not be accepted by your parents, ....literally meant the death of the child.

- Here's the good news: we no longer live in caves or on the African plains. We no longer have to worry about bears or mountain lions or any other predators. Humans have conquered the food chain. You can physically survive on your own in this society no problem whatsoever.
- Here's the not so good news: not being accepted by your parents still feels like dying. And it is seriously painful. It's been a year now since I've talked with my father. Before that, we talked for about 3 months after reconnected from a 9 year estrangement. He's an abusive awful human being and I don't want to have anything to do with him. That is my choice and my life has gotten so much better. It's amazing what happens when you get the bad stuff out, good stuff starts to come in. You are a sparkling glass made of pure crystal, but right now it's got a lot of dog shit in there. It's messy to clean up, it smells bad, and to top it all off (pun!) you didn't even put the dog shit there. It isn't your fault. Dog shit can't stain the glass. However, this is the life you have right now. It is not your mess, it is not your fault, but you are the only person that can begin to clean it up. You can commit suicide, or you can be a superhero. There is no middle road for a person like you.

When I was 21, I almost committed suicide, too. I chose a different path and by doing so finally came to realize that I didn't need my parents to accept me. I needed to accept me.

2) Transition
You and me both, sister! To say that you will never transition is to say that you know the future. You don't know the future, no one does. Give yourself a chance, especially since no one else in your life will. Be a superhero! You are so young! I had the realization last week that I will never get to be a little girl growing up. Never get to be a teenager with my friends or experience that first love as a young woman. I am what I am. But none of that matters, what matters is my happiness now. Every choice I make now affects whether I'm going to be happy in the future. My past doesn't define me, my choices in the present do. Same goes for you, honey.

3) Leave the house
Get a job. Gets some roommates. This is scary probably because you've never lived anywhere else. When I moved out on my own it was because I was living with my alcholic and abusive father. I had no choice because I thought I might have to kill him one night. Let me tell you, once you taste the freedom and privacy of living on your own you'll never go back! You can do it! Doesn't need to be a perfect job or a good job, and I guarantee the apt you get won't be the best, but it will be yours and only yours.

4) Have a friend, be loved
First you have to love yourself. And how can you love yourself when you are constantly surrounded by people so full of hate? Move out sweetheart. Start designing your life the way you want it to be.

5) Good therapist
You are not tied down to any therapist. If you don't like one, go find another. If it isn't you paying for the therapist, see advice for #3.


One small step at a time. But the moving out thing can happen fairly quickly. Do you have a job?

---------- Post added 1st Sep 2014 at 10:42 PM ----------

Do you work full time?

 

You can't get a full time job as a cashier?

Why are you trying to start a business right now? You start a business when you have savings to back you up. Having your own business won't help you as much as you think. This is, again, coming from my own experience. I taught piano lessons and classes for 5 years, completely self-employed. Yes, it was so much nicer than working for someone else, but my depression followed me around. I didn't start making progress on my depression until I got a decent paying and steady job. Do not underestimate what a steady paycheck can do for your emotional life.

edit: or even multiple part time jobs?

 

what was it about those jobs that made you want to kill yourself?

 

Ok, you're only 22, though, right? You're still living at home and have never lived anywhere else, right? How can you say that you've "spent years searching" only to not find anything?

Stop trying to find something "out there" that will make you happy. I'm going to give you something that you should have been given a long time ago; Some truth.

In this Infinite Universe, there is NOTHING out there that can ever make you happy, if you can't make yourself happy first. And right now, this narrative that you have, "I can't make myself happy, therefore I must die" is not your narrative.

Any guess as to who's narrative you are carrying around your neck like a dead cat?

 

Amen...she summed everything up.

Stop looking and happiness will find you. What are some things you absolutely love? Play to your strengths.

You don't have any friends you can crash with while you're figuring things out?

 

So do your mom and dad own you?

 

Geez, your story sounds so close to mine, it's kinda scary actually. If I lived closer, I totally would have let you crash with me when I get my own apartment. I can be your friend though You can talk to me about whatever and whenever. Just please don't kill yourself. We all love you here (*hug*)

---------- Post added 1st Sep 2014 at 08:31 PM ----------

Exactly

 

No...the answer is no sweetheart. You own your body not them. You also control your own life and destiny. You need to get out there and find your way. Find something that gears towards what you like. You like music? Work in a music store. You like coffee? Work in a cafe. Save up, stand up, and move out! You are an incredible person and there is a reason you are here. You have yet to have your time to shine. All of this is preparing you for life ahead. You can do this. I have complete faith in you.

 

ok, well I can tell you that online relationships can never match the real thing. At the very least you gotta have a voice to talk with. Emails and chats and texts won't do it. Those are good for keeping up, but for the heavy duty deep convos, ya gotta at the very least have a phone.

If you don't mind me asking (please feel free to decline responding), financially how well off are your parents? Materially, are you well off?

---------- Post added 1st Sep 2014 at 11:38 PM ----------

also, this stuff (*hug*)