At A Crossroads

Hey Soundofmusic, kudos to your mom, that is golden! And I get it, the desire to be with someone, but that someone ought to be special.

There was a great line in a movie, but I can't remember the name of the movie -- I think it was simply a woman's name. The line was something like, "In order to be OK with other people, you have to be OK with yourself".

I couldn't possibly give my spouse a rating from 1 to 10, it was just that we liked doing stuff together. We'd spontaneously go to a restaurant to get a piece of pie, or go on a bike ride, or go roller skating. There was no choir of angels announcing that this was the one, we just like hanging out and we kept on doing that.

I'm thinking of you and sending you good vibes.

 

Nobody should settle in love. Go find your 10.

Your mum just wants you to be happy deep down. Gay doesn't have to mean no children.

What if you really like men? Do you think this is actually a possibility? I think you are bartering with yourself because you are scared.

 

I'd have to agree with @silverhalo about the bartering idea. You seem to feel like this is one and only chance but that is not true. I get that turning 30 is a big deal deal (I've turned 30 last year) but a good exercise is to think about spending 10 years with this guy and whether you would be truly happy.

I would suggest that if you don't have the feelings for him now and if you are having doubts then he is not right for you and you are just going to postpone breaking up with him. If you don't feel strongly about him now then how is that going to form the basis of decades long relationship?

 

I agree with @silverhalo ... it sounds like you're bartering with yourself about the guy. I know turning 30 is a milestone so that is most likely added pressure you're putting on yourself to settle. But if I may put in my two cents, please don't settle! I've been there many times, and was even engaged to a lovely man years ago. I couldn't do it, and that was before I knee I was a lesbian. I felt exactly as you do ... I liked the guy maybe about a 5 on a scale of 10. It wasn't good enough because it's the rest of your life! You're still very young & life is long. Don't listen to your insecurities telling you that you're "weird." That will be highly appreciated in a world full of "ordinary." I honestly have a feeling that when you make it to a big urban city with a decent LGBTQ population, you'll be relieved that you didn't settle. You'll be happy, in love, and wondering what would have become of you if you settled. I don't know who these friends are who settled for their husbands. But that's not optimal I think.

Forgive me for so openly expressing my opinion. You must do what feels right for you in the end. I just remembered feeling so similar when I was engaged, and had to tell you.
❤️

 

"knew" not "knee", Lol.

 

I don't talk that much about my girlfriend on here apart from to say I have one because I many people on here are single or in unhappy relationships. I get that something starting as a friendship is more natural to begin with but do you feel like the relationship with the man could ever get to what you had with your trigger? I can't say what other people have in their relationship I can only tell you what I feel. My girlfriend makes me feel like I'm coming home, it wasn't/isn't just the fun stuff we went out and did together but the simplest sitting on the sofa together and holding hands. When she gives me a hug or cuddles me I literally feel all my worries and cares drifting away. She makes me a better person. I couldn't imagine my life with her.

 

It sounds like you definitely prefer women even if you do have some attraction to men. I think if you did get the opportunity of a new job and met some queer friends and got involved in the LGBT community you would feel differently. Easier said than done I know.

And 30 is still so young!! You sound like you are trying to persuade yourself into liking this guy? I understand the pressure of society and friends and family to conform to the heterosexual norm and to get married and have as you say a traditional ‘family’. Would you be truly happy though? I would hate for you not to experience a relationship and intamicy with a women though. And I’m sure this is absolutely not your last chance to find someone, you still have so much of your life ahead of you.

 

The main thing I read from this post is that you don't know whether you could feel this way with a man but with a woman you know you could.
Sure you can learn to love your partner more over time, there are ways I love my girlfriend now that I didn't when we first got together but that feeling she gives me has always been there, the comfort and peace she brings to me.

I think you should put all your efforts into getting off the island, it will always be there to come back to.

 

I agree 100% with what Soundofmusic said about Silverhalo's post. It's very respectfull to avoid making people feel worse. But we should think of this site as a path to well-being, and positive examples are really helpful.
At a medical school graduation I heard a speaker telling the new doctors to go hiking, go dancing, go do whatever you need to do to experience life. Because to treat illness, you have to understand life.
Same thing here. Positive examples help.

 

Could you find some kind of therapy?

I think it's because you feel so overwhelmed and torn between what to do. Maybe if you could establish some kind of plan of action it might you feel a bit less overwhelmed.

 

Oh cool I'm glad you could get in, I'm sure he can help you. Let us know how it goes.