Anxiety from gay dream

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, now that the anxiety has subsided somewhat I do think i definitely lean more towards girls than guys, but i dont feel sexual attraction to guys. Like, i still do these "tests" and get intrusive thoughts about sexual acts with guys, but it doesnt do anything for me.. the thoughts are just kinda, there..i wont get turned on or aroused. Its kinda similar to when i just walk around the street and look at someone pass by and imagine doing some violent to them, or shouting obscenities at someone. Theyre just thoughts, and i try not to attach meaning to them.

Sigh, i know i feel ok now, but soon the anxiety/obsession with this will kick in again, and ill be questioning/stressing all over again :/ definitely need to see someone for this

 

Anxiety still in, get gay thoughts like kissing guys, don’t enjoy them, anxiety/repulsion kicks in..have tried accepting the thoughts, less anxiety but no clarity...

Tried jerking off to the thoughts of guys, doesn’t do it for me, think of girls and i can orgasm/climax, then get the intrusive thought of guys/anything random, literally like my brain is misfiring during climax, and i’m Confused again/haven’t found an answer.

On here most people seem to enjoy their same sex thoughts, but i don’t really. Feel now like i’m Bi, my mind is constantly telling me it, i’ve Tried to accept that, but still get anxiety.

Sigh...what kind of therapist should i see? One who can help me accept these thoughts/sexuality, or one who specialises with OCD? I feel like i would rather just know my sexuality and be comfortable with it than having OCD/anxiety, but I don’t know if this is the case. I’d much rather be free of anxiety/obsessional thinking and just be bi than be burdened with these kind of thoughts my whole life. Not sure whether i’m Struggling with self acceptance/repression, actual OCD, confusion, etc. Sorry i’m Being so incoherent, just...i’m So tired of this :/

 

Thanks for your responses. It's weird - now I've kinda accepted the fact that I'm gay, the anxiety is lessened, but still kinda obsessing about this/tryna work it out. It almost feels like being gay feels "right". What did it for me was turning on all genders in ######/Bumble and then just swiping for some guys too. No matches yet ( , lol ) but I just wanna explore this side of my sexuality. I can see myself being with a guy tbh. I've gotten these urges to kiss a guy before wheng going out, like some kind of weird anxiety/attraction? However, the sexual side still does nothing for me - I don't get turned on thinking of guys..but I almost feel like I am subconciously blocking it or something? The intrusive thoughts are still there..when I orgasm thinking of girls, thoughts of guys will pop into my head during orgasm. However, I reckon this is kinda like the purple elephant thing..since these thoughts are constantly on my mind, and I'm like "I wonder if when I orgasm I'll think of guys"as I masturbate, it's kinda inevitable.

So like I said, I think I'll try exploring my sexuality to find some answers. One therapist I have emailed previously came back to me with this

"
Hi Chris

Thank you for your email. The issue of OCD related to sexual orientation (same sex attraction) most often comes from internailsed homophobia and as such the work becomes more about what makes it a problem rather than 'making the problem go away' per se. The idea that being bi-sexual or gay creates ego-dystonia (feeling bad about yourself/conflict with self image) suggests that the work might be about addressing the negative associations to make the problem go away. If you actually are bisexual or gay then it would be unethical for a therapist to try to 'convert' you to 'exclusive heterosexuality' as conversion therapy is outlawed by all the major professional bodies in the UK as it is known to be harmful. That said, sometimes people fixate on an idea that is unappealing as a distraction from other anxieties, usually OCD features a thought train involving rituals preventing a feared outcome.

Strictly speaking SO-OCD/H-OCD are not acknowledged in the diagnostic literature and even 'ego-dystonic sexual orientation' which was previously included was removed during the 1990's as psychiatry recognised the harm of conversion therapy.

So, the clients who see me questioning their sexuality are invariably already on a journey of self discovery and its generally about self acceptance and overcoming blocks to legitimate forms of intimacy or recognising the sacrifices required to maintain a stability within an existing committed relationship and being comfortable with that.

On a handful of occasions, people with OCD-like symptoms have focussed/fixated on a 'safe' anxiety (which they know isn't actually 'real') rather than face an uncomfortable reality which is too overwhelming."

Maybe the main issue I had was internalised homophobia? And now that I've stopped trying to fight it/suppress the thoughts and just accept them/the possibility I'm gay, the anxiety fades?

I almost want to be gay/bi now lol, just for clarity hah. But, it's just that I don't really feel sexually attracted/turned on fantasising sexually about guys.

I'm gonna keep sourcing out some therapy - besides my sexuality, I also have different things/issues which I can work on I reckon. My sister went through psychotherapy for 2 years for a mild case of depression, and thought that almost everyone would benefit from going.

 

Thanks for the advice. I've contacted a therapist who has experience with CBD and OCD, as well as sexuality. I feel now like my attraction to women has faded to almost nothing, and that I am actually gay. It's confusing though, because I still don't get sexually aroused by gay porn or fantasizing about men, but I can see myself dating one, as weird and alien as it feels to me.

There have been plenty of times in the past where I have gotten turned on/hard just from thinking about women/talking to them/being close to them. However, when I start overthinking things/questioning my feelings, I feel anxious. Example: I was at a friends house (girl) who I kissed and enjoyed, when drunk, not thinking or worrying about my sexuality at all (she's in an open relationship, and we're actually really good friends). I was at her house again last weekend, and we were on the couch together, smoking some weed. I kept testing/asking myself whether I was attracted to her, getting anxious, not really feeling the attraction, then wondering if it was a guy would it be different, then a mix of a rush of anxiety/attraction to imagining if it was a guy?

Like I said, my whole life I thought I was straight, masturbating exclusively to girls, etc. If I'm gay, then so be it, at this stage I just want to be happy. Maybe I just need some time to figure it all out.

Coincidentally, after this gay dream happened all those years ago, I posted on here as well. When posting this, I lost all sex drive for months, didn't masturbate, constantly questioned, etc.

https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/always-considered-straight-bicurious.357549/

There is the link for it.

How I wish I could go back to before this dream...although maybe at the end of the day this will help me discover my "true" sexuality?

I am keen to starting therapy - surely it can only help.

Thanks all