Anxiety from gay dream

Hi all,

I grew up always considering myself to be straight. I had crushes on girls and feelings towards them since I can remember. I had my first sexual encounter with a girl at the age of 17, which I enjoyed. I can’t recall ever having any sexual feelings towards men, it was strictly friends. While going through puberty, I would masturbate exclusively to the thoughts and ideas of girls - both fantasizing and while watching porn, without ever feeling myself aroused or the need to watch any gay porn. However, there were times when I would masturbate, and the thought of a team mate from football I had seen naked in the showers would pop into my mind. IIf this would happen at orgasm, it would “ruin” my orgasm, and I would feel repulsed and confused as to why that thought came up. It was an annoying tendency which, although not happening regularly, I was aware of. However, I didn’t think anything else of it, other than that it was an annoying turnoff. I never gave it any more thought, and didn't feel any attraction to him, so it was just a weird intrusive thought.

What triggered my obsession and anxiety about my sexual orientation was after having my first and only gay dream when I was about 21. There was no face to the person, but from what I can recall it was a male performing oral sex - and I felt pleasure. However, soon after I woke up in a state of panic and anxiety, as well as shock and confusion. For weeks after that I was constantly anxious and couldn’t shake the feeling “Does this mean I’m gay?” or “Am I attracted to men?” I had never really given it any thought before this dream. Soon after, I started feeling down (I’m not sure if depressed) and this question was constantly on my mind. I lost all libido and attraction to girls, and feared these gay thoughts would plague me if I masturbated. The anxiety made me constantly analyse how I felt towards men, and testing whether I became aroused or my reaction to seeing attractive men. After searching my symptoms on the internet, I soon came across HOCD or SO-OCD. It was a relief to me to find, what I think/thought, was a diagnosis, as all the symptoms seemed to resonate with me.

Since then, the question of my sexuality has constantly been on my mind. While the anxiety lessened, I find myself noticing attractive men a lot more than before. Intrusive thoughts such as “what if I kiss him right now” or imagining sexual activities with them would not appeal to me, and give a kick of anxiety. I would constantly seek assurances online about other people’s experiences with HOCD, which would temporarily ease my anxiety, before starting the cycle of doubt again.

As time passed, the intensity of the anxiety slightly faded. Every time I would have a thought about “Did you find that guy attractive? Does that mean you’re gay?” I would just try to shrug and think “maybe yes, maybe no” and that would help it.

Fastforward a 2-3 years, and I had my next obsession - that I was suicidal. I smoked marijuana from a vaporiser with a very high THC level, and got extremely high/stoned. We were on a high riser, maybe the 12th floor or so, on my friends balcony. I have always been afraid of heights, and looking over the edge at the ground quite far below I thought “what if I jump now?”, “I should jump that would be cool”. WIthin a couple of seconds I got a rush of anxiety thinking whether this meant i was suicidal, and why this thought had popped into my head. When coming home I couldn’t shake the feeling or intrusive thoughts of suicide. To clarify, I never considered myself, and still don’t, suicidal, but the thoughts plagued me for a long time, making me anxious and worried about crossing bridges which were high or intrusive thoughts at the train station such as “i should jump in front of this train”.

The latest intrusiveness was about a 16 months ago. I dreamt that I was in the shower, naked, and that my two female cousins (who are now 19 and 22) approached me in a sexual way. However, in my mind they were still teenagers, and while I felt uncomfortable in the dream I let them fondle my penis, gaining slight pleasure from it. Soon after, I woke up in a state of panic and anxiety again. I had what I can only classify as a panic attack, constant pacing, heart racing, tight chest, urge to cry. The fact that in my dream they were teenagers (maybe 15 or 16) made me fear that I was a pedophile or attracted to children. This was particularly upsetting because I had spent 2 years in Asia as a teacher of young children, aged 6-18. While I could tell which girls were generically “pretty”, I never felt any attraction or sexual interest in them, and the idea repulsed me. Following this, I started finding it impossible to think of anything else, and couldn’t study or focus, being in a constant state of anxiety and despair - wondering if I was a pedophile or had attraction to children or could hurt them. My other two fears (that I was potentially not straight or thoughts about suicide) were reignited too. From my research on HOCD, I had come across POCD (Pedophilia OCD) which were similar symptoms - having intrusive thoughts which repulsed me and created significant anxiety. I started meditating, which helped, and after 3 months or so the anxiety started to become bearable once again. At this time I seriously considered seeking out therapy to help me, as I was suffering. However, I was in a foreign country, leaving in 3 months, and thought I could manage.

I have recently become obsessed again and noticing a lot of anxiety regarding whether I find men attractive in a sexual or romantic way. For the last 4 years or so I resisted seeking assurances on google about googling HOCD (as I believe seeking these assurances is a form of checking which only fuels the anxiety and intrusive thoughts.) However, the last 2 months the thoughts have increased again, as has the associated anxiety. Going out drinking, I would find myself noticing/having my anxiety triggered my good looking men, which would only make me more and more anxious and start questioning whether I was in fact bi/gay and why I couldn’t think of anything else. The last few days I have been able to rarely think of anything else, constantly anxious, to the extent where I feel like I should just give in and accept that I’m bi. This feeling only reignites my anxiety, and I start doing checks (watching gay porn, imagining myself with a guy) again.

I'm worried that my attraction to women will go away entirely, and that I was just actually gay my whole life. My sister kissed a girl when she was 22 and stayed with her for years, and now has a new girlfriend.

I'm just so confused/anxious because I can never recall, and still don't, gain pleasure or fantasize about sex with guys. Never got a boner from one, whereas with girls I remember I would just look at one and go crazy/turned on. Now I'm doubting whether it's just the anxiety stopping me from enjoying the thoughts, after which my checking/anxiety kicks in again.

Any thoughts? The whole anxiety died down for years after, where I wouldn't think about it too much, but it's come up again now for some reason.

 

Thanks for your replies!

I have quite a lot of associated anxiety with it. But reading through some of these forums and coming out later in life makes me even more anxious as I feel “what if this is me?” Or whether i have been in denial this whole time. It feels more and more like i’ve Just been unaware that i’m In fact gay, and like my identity is being pulled away from me. Whether this is HOCD or not I don’t know, but the anxiety is really bad...i have never been in a serious relationship with a girl, but also never craved one with a guy. However, the girl i met travelling was definitely someone i would’ve liked to have a relationship with if it could’ve worked out. I’m just terrified i might actually be gay, and that i come to this realisation only now.

 

I’m just scared I’m going to lose my sexuality/desire for women, as there’s an amazing girl i saw myself being with for a long time i met but it just didn’t work out. I don’t feel repulsed by being with a guy, maybe i am just curious? I also don’t yearn it. Growing up while my dad was always there for me, i remember having some issues like he wasn’t proud of me after my exam results, and he didn’t share a lot of emotion/quite emotionless, so maybe i’m Just missing male love? I don’t know. I’m not anxious about “coming out”, it would be weird but my family would be totally cool with it, my sister has been out and in serious relationships with 2 separate girls since 2014.

I guess i can try masturbating to guys..i do try to picture it when i see an attractive guy but it just doesn’t do anything for me, same as if i try to picture myself intimate with him. The thoughts normally give me anxiety (hence why i was asking about intrusive thoughts), but i realise it’s hard to get aroused when anxious, so my mind tells me to relax and try again, but still nothing. When i touch myself i can feel pleasure, but i also feel pleasure when thinking about a cat or an apple, so i’m Not sure what that means lol. I guess my concern is that these “intrusive thoughts” which popped into my head as a teenager was actually latent homosexuality or whatever, but because they didn’t appeal to me i just pushed them away/ddn’t associate them with pleasure.

I obsess about this sexuality all day, which gives me constant anxiety with some moments of clarity of like “nah you’re primarily straight, maybe not 100% but that’s cool” and happiness. Then i start doubting it again and the anxiety kicks in all over. Can’t focus on work, can’t focus on anything, my room is a mess, i’m Not eating properly, just can’t shake the feeling/doubt i may be gay.

 

Thanks for your thoughts chip.

I'm just constantly re-assessing my childhood/growing up now. The only thing I get stuck on is that when we would go out to clubs and stuff, while a lot of my friends would go for chicks, I wouldn't feel that same "primal urge" or alpha male urge. It's not that I didn't think they weren't good looking or that I'd like to take them home, maybe because I was quite a shy and socially anxious at times person. I don't remember ever looking at guys instead though.

All this talk about hetero-normative society and how people are conditioned to be straight which could make them suppress their true feelings spiked my anxiety. If I would now look at a guy and think "OK, he is attractive, but am I attracted?" then think about could you spend the rest of your life with a guy and I can't say no for certain..and that freaks me out. Then the anxiety happens again. Then I think about kissing a guy and being intimate, but still no pleasure or happiness, just a kind of blank feeling. However, when I do it with a girl, I get the same kind of feeling, like my attraction/libido to girls is gone, when I knew it was once there. Then my anxiety hits and I get confused all over again, and the process repeats itself.

Maybe I am straight. Maybe I am bi. Maybe I am gay. Maybe I'm just curious. I don't know, but the anxiety of it all is crippling, and I can't enjoy things anymore like I did. The idea that I might've been gay my whole life terrifies me.

 

Alright now my anxiety has calmed down I think i can think more clearly. I think I'm just 80-20 straight, I know I'm not 100% straight (who is lol) like I can appreciate good looking guys and stuff, but would I actively go out and try hook up with one? I don't think so. But I would, and do, for example, send xx to guy friends or kiss emoji like there is some love there ha, give em a peck on a night out on the cheek, would I want to hook up with one and have sex with them? No I don't reckon I would I did some "testing" with gay porn, just didn't do it for me. I'm comfortable with what I am, I reckon I just have some kinda anxiety disorder, OCDish/ generalised anxiety maybe, dunno. it can't be this normal to get this much anxiety about something which is not really that big a deal?

 

Sorry I posted that before I saw your reply. Glad to know you have similar thoughts, I should get my anxiety/ocd issues checked out I guess..been suffering from them for quite a while. When I was in my football team I was really quiet because my team mates were Dutch (second language) so didn't feel that confident. I would get anxious just saying goodbye to them after training or a match, or calling up my coach to cancel and stuff. Also, at school I would prefer just to play football outside, sitting around for 30 minutes during break chit chatting would feel kinda long. Dont' get me wrong, I have good social skills and am well liked and all, but would definitely get far more anxious in situations than I feel other people did.

With my Dad, I remember not getting the grades I needed to go to my first choice university. The disappointment I sensed when he came up after coming home from work and asked me about my results kinda broke my heart in a way. For the next 2 years I would have random moments where I would just feel the need to cry. Not depressed, I'd say, but just it felt good to release the emotion, maybe once every 2-3 weeks. I would think that my dad wasn't proud of me, and that I was sorry. Deep down I know he is, I've done well as a son now, but that was something looking back which can't be per se normal. I still have it now sometimes too, just feeling the need to cry. Not in a depressed way, but just to release sadness/emotions so I feel better after. I think about what would happen if, for example, my sister/dad/mum would die in a car crash, or if my mum wouldn't have pulled through her operation - then tell them how much I love them and how lucky I am to have them. I'd cry for a good 10 minutes, before going to sleep.

Also, not sure if this is related, but I have a slight stammer problem, which I think is also anxiety induced. For example, when giving presentations/teaching in Asia, I had no issues at all, as I spoke confidently. However, in certain social situations, or when other people are talking, I get a speech block. It is especially bad when I am drinking and out in a pub/bar. There are times I want to lean over to say something to someone, but I just can't say it..super frustrating/annoying.

Sorry, I realise I should probably save all this for a qualified therapist, but it does feel good in a way to share it - even if it is just on an internet forum.

 

Any other thoughts about this guys? Anxiety has dipped a bit recently unless and I've stopped checking/constantly remunerating as much. Still on my mind though. The thing is, I think I can enjoy looking at good looking men because I'm just like yeah, they are aesthetically pleasing, but I don't know if I feel attraction like I do with girls. While I get these intrusive thoughts about sex acts with men, I don't enjoy getting them. I have never gotten turned on/gotten hard from these thoughts, I just get a kinda anxious feeling. Then I start thinking is this just suppression and I get anxious again lol. This doubt is really gnawing at me lol

 

Hey,

Things have changed again. I’m now feeling like I’m almost certainly gay/bi... anxiety hasn’t decreased and it’s constantly on my mind. It almost feels like I’m accepting it now which is kinda freaking me out. I’m still constantly checking my groinal reactions when trying to imagine having sex. When i think of a girl it feels great and natural, but now i feel like that was all porn induced attraction. But i don’t understand that i could masturbate since I’m young until 25 thinking of girls, imagining girls, watching just straight porn and not being turned on by gay porn all this time and then now it could turn out I’m actually gay? So confusing, feels like I’ve lost my identity.

Anxious that I’m actually just in the denial/bargaining/depression stage of grief of realising I’m gay. It almost feels like this is right. Looking back, it could be - there were girls who liked me in the past but I had no interest in them romantically even after flirting with them. But I do feel attracted to girls, but when I’m in the club I don’t want to/feel the need to make a move? I’m scared this is just internalised homophobia and I just need to accept I’m gay - like deep down I’m just gay and I just haven’t realised/suppressed it this whole time.

I’m just constantly thinking/checking things online about sexuality, checking things online, trying to accept it I am/could be gay which gives me some relief of anxiety, then just starts again. Is all this checking just a way of me denying it? It feels like it sometimes... But this girl I met in Asia a while ago now, like 4 years, I really fell for her..but I don’t even know if those feelings were really romantic/sexual or all just...not.

Do I want to be gay and live a gay life? No, not really, but I almost feel like it was meant to be...I haven’t found a girlfriend yet and I’m 25, that must just be a sign. Also not really been seeking one out, but also not had an urge to find someone romantically, but now I’m worried that may just be because I never “realised” I was gay and that was actually the reason all along

Ever since this dream 5 years ago or so, I stopped watching as many series since I would get triggered with anxiety about any good looking guys in movies. Also, watching movies in the cinema I just see good looking guys and almost feel this anxiety/attraction which makes me constantly remunerate. I never had these thoughts before this dream/anxiety started.

 

Thanks for your replies. I'm worried that I'm now subconsciously/consciously suppressing the fact that I'm gay...it really gets me down/anxious and my head is a mess. Seeking out therapy for my OCD almost feels like I'm lying to myself. Ugh

 

Bi-cycle. Interesting. I haven't been continually sexually active in like, 8 years..but also not really felt like I'm missing it that much. I would masturbate quite often to porn (straight), maybe 1-2 times a day if time allowed it throughout this time. Maybe I'm just asexual in this sense? I also haven't really craved or actively sought out any kind of romantic relationship.

I think it could have something to do with when I was a teenager I was almost bullied/teased at school. I have some great friends from there, I wouldn't call it necessarily bullying, but it definitely didn't do my self-confidence or self-esteem any favours. Maybe I should just try with a guy...but that scares me/gives anxiety still. I guess I am a little curious, even if it's just to see what it's like, or that just that it's been on my mind so obsessively over the last 6 weeks/anxiety inducing that I need to do some kind of test for myself?

 

Hi guys,

Quick update: I now kinda have accepted the fact i am probably bi, if not gay. I still suffer from anxiety, which I probably should go to get see sorted, and maybe some sort of OCD (this question of sexuality literally doesn’t leave my mind all day). However, looking back, while I never really had a strong drive to date girls like a lot of my straight friends did (which I always put down to the meh, just kinda cba feeling), but like I said, also not to guys. I have dated some which I enjoyed, but never really had this super attraction towards them. I’d go home and masturbate/fantasize about them which i enjoyed, like, different situations with them, but at the time I was with them I wouldn’t feel the strong urge to make a move. Maybe this could be some sort of social anxiety (which I have suffered from in the past)

With guys, I plucked up the courage to change my Bumble settings to “view everyone” and a couple of guys who went past peaked my interest/curiosity. This once again gave me anxiety, but I’m just taking this in small steps, so I closed the app - may take it further soon. Then, I tried for the 5th time or so to look at gay porn, but just found it kinda weird (watched straight porn my whole life which i got off to). Tried fantasising when masturbating without any kind of mental blocking/anxiety, but thinking about guys just felt kinda weird, and I couldn’t get the same pleasure out of it than with girls. I then thought about this girl I had this instant click with (who I might see again soon) and how it would be being in bed with her, having sex with her, and I could orgasm in about 20 seconds or so.

Basically I’m kinda confused - I’m leaning more and more towards the fact I might be gay, which isn’t easy (I don’t think it was for anyone) but I’m so sick of feeling this uncertainty/questioning. Anxiety about coming out doesn’t really bother me so much/almost isn’t there. My sister came out years ago, has been dating girls happily, and my parents are super supportive. I guess if I came out too they’d be like, ah Chris, you too eh? But would probably also be like yeah OK so I guess that’s why you haven’t had any girlfriends yet? Wouldn’t be too big of a deal (I realise I’m pretty lucky to be in this situation) All my friends are straight, and would definitely be surprised. However, they aren’t necessarily homophobic, and if they don’t like it then well tough shit really ha.

Can someone chip in their 2 cents? I realise this is a long winded story, but I just want some kind of certainty in this journey lol. Chip, You replied here before, what do you think of these developments?

 

Any ideas anyone? I've tried a lot of times to masturbate to guys fantasies/porn but just can't get off to it, and if I think about girls it's easy...I can't get this off my mind, literally almost all the time..ugh