A little part of me has died inside.

Aww butterflies, don't be too hard on yourself non of this stuff is easy. You are by no means a traitor to us or the LGBT community so please don't feel like that. We all appreciate it's not just as easy and picking up and leaving. I'm not going to tell you to stay or to leave but perhaps give yourself some time to experience him as a changed man and see how you feel. At the same time staying now doesn't mean you can never change your mind.
How we measure success in life varies, a nice house, a family, etc and happiness. You have to work out the best combination for you. Don't assume that leaving your husband will mean you are alone forever you never know what's around the corner.

 

Bottom line do you love him? Does he love you? You can stay married but he may need to give in an allow you to experiment with women. I think if he has come this far for you, he will go a little further; and Im just throwing this out maybe consider a three way with a bisexual woman so he doesnt feel left out, two women is supposed to be every straight mans dream. Talk to him about this idea if you are comfortable with it, if he can see that you can love the V and the P at the same time he may not feel threatened.

Most men are very self conscious about their sexual prowess. If he publicly loses you for another woman it may devastate him, its considered the ultimate humiliation for straight guys. If his wife goes "Lezzie", people will say its because he wasnt man enough for you. They say he was too small, limp, impotent, has no balls, that he was dickless, or that you were sleeping around for years. True or not its what they will say. Discuss this with him, Im sure he is very afraid of this happening to him.

 

If he is that inflexible, you need to follow your heart, if you want a woman get one. If he's going to rage and possibly hurt you, then fuck his feelings. I was concerned about him, but not anymore. If he threatens you, tell him you'll tell the whole town he's inadequate. That should shut him up.

 

Then maybe this is your answer. If staying in the relationship isn't going to bring you happiness then how will you enjoy the things it does bring?
I don't think he is out of order for not wanting to open the marriage, open relationships, even if just for the purposes of experimentation are not for everyone and I think that is fair enough. neither path is an easy one your mind perceives staying to be the easier because the pain and hurt is more slow burning, long lasting whereas to leave is fast acting, smacking you in the face but it can be worked through just like anything.

 

Hey Butterflies. I feel so bad for you, I'm not even sure what to say

I am thinking of you and rooting for you to find happiness, or at least peace with your choices. I'd like to say give it time, maybe you can rekindle a little something with your husband who loves you dearly and is trying so hard. But....at least based on what you've shared today....I don't know.... Honestly, even though he's done a complete turn-around, you sound more ready than you ever did about making that leap to allowing your inner self out.

Regardless of what you do, I support your decision and can respect it. This is so hard - I'll pray for you tonight. I can understand your hesitation about getting on EC but in no way are you a traitor to anyone here by staying with your husband.

 

Im sorry I was probably a little to militant with my comments. I saw the word "rage" and assumed the worst. I guess all you can do is talk to him and above all make sure the kids are okay. If he is a good father then give him equal access to his children, in the States it seems like the man always loses his kids, whether he is right or wrong. Just promise him if it doesnt work, then you wont try to hurt him, no alimony, no taking full custody.

 

I.. I'm sorry this is happening to you, I just wish I had something to say to help, but I'm at a loss. We have similarity in stories, my wife coming out.. me doing a 180, things got a lot better between us..... but I also knew that wouldn't be enough for her to be truly happy... I do understand him not wanting an open marriage or you being with someone outside the marriage, but it saddens me as a spouse for a spouse to give up their happiness for the sake of the other. Maybe you could work on him over time. You know, keeping him aware of your attraction to other women. Letting him know this isn't a passing thing. Maybe over time he'll understand better how much this means to you and he'll be able to empathize. Try to stay hopeful that you'll find a way to be completely happy. Again I'm sorry you're in this situation. Good luck

 

I can relate to this, @Butterflies85 ; I'm also a married women with kids who realized that I'm not straight and have a preference for women... (Only haven't come out to anybody yet)
If it weren't for the sex, it wouldn't be so hard to go on living with my husband, taking care of the kids, going to work, living my life. I'm not in love with an actual women, (I don't even know any wlw in real life ) It's this abstract idea of what it would be like (I have NO experience with women), and the desire...
The sex factor is so complicated.
I'm not attracted to my husband like I should be. I was before... has it only faded because of the time and struggles together?
I don't enjoy sex with him. It never comes naturally to me. Usualy he iniciates and I give in.
I'm not comfortable with him (why has it taken me so long to realize that I'm not comfortable with him?)I don't relax, I keep thinking everything is wrong, and of course I don't climax..
Sometimes I'm horny about something (wlw related) and I iniciate sex, but my mind isn't there, it's with a women..

I'm planning on sharing this with him, to see if together we could find a way out, I thought about sex therapy.. I think we have to try everything before giving up.. I've tried on my own, reading books, seeing a therapist, but if things do get a little better, they don't last, and there's this huge distance between us..

Thank you for sharing, sending out some love and strength!!
Of course nobody would judge you for trying to save your marriage and keeping your family together. Are you and your husband seeing a therapist?

 

I did find a support group that might be useful. Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work (MMOMW) I found a pretty supportive yahoo group. Just search for mmomw. But to be honest I'm not sure it's exactly what you're looking for. Most of those relationships aren't about denying who they are, most of them try to find ways to be married and happy with their sexuality. Tho, they might have some insight. At some point before or after infidelity they came out to their spouse. Maybe they could have insight on how to talk to your husband. It's a good mix of straight and bi/ gay spouses. Good luck

 

Your story almost mirrors mine. Your journey is your own to walk. If you stay in the closet and stay in your marriage for so many of the reasons you mentioned there is no shame in that. And if you choose to come out and change your life, then it will be on your terms as a result of a culmination of moments or thoughts or maybe one huge experience yet to come. No choice is wrong. Just be grateful that you have a choice.

 

I think you need to give it some time so that if you turn around to him and say, look I'm really sorry, I honestly wish I loved you the way you love me but I can't do this, him honestly believes that you have tried and given it your all. Then if that is your decision you can leave with no regrets, knowing you tried everything to make it work.

 

This seems very important. If that is how you feel, you have every right to say that and have that respected. Could he sustain his current level of niceness and commitment if you tell him that you don't want physical intimacy at the moment, not even hugging and kissing? I think that the trouble with your situation is that you are staying with him on his terms rather than on yours. If he was still happy to stay married and treat you well but at the same time respect that you love him as a friend rather than a partner then maybe you would feel better about the situation? And as others said above, even if you decide to stay for the moment, it doesn't mean you can't change your mind! Which is also something he should be aware of and acknowledge. You don't owe him anything for a few weeks of trying harder!

 

I am wondering if he is operating on this assumption himself. Wanting to give it his best, putting in extra effort, to feel he tried everything? You've got that holiday trip coming up, it may be important to him to be giving it everything, and he doesn't know yet that some of what he is doing (the physical part) is having the opposite effect. Do you want to go on holiday with your friend/husband, and under what conditions & boundaries? You seem to like parts of his 180 turn around. He may need to know what you are liking, what you don't need, and if there is anything else. I can imagine myself being a good male hero trying to win back my wife's good graces, and needing to have feedback that helped me know what is appreciated (and not appreciated, but in ways that helps me see reality but won't make me and my hero efforts rejected).

You are not a traitor to yourself or others. You are finding your way.

 

I've been thinking about this all morning. I believe that if you cut off all physical contact with him without coming to some type of understanding, he may shut down. He likely feels betrayed, in his mind he probably feels like he is being used. You loved him as a husband once and now it's different. Unrequited love is a terrible thing to suffer; I'm sorry to say but if you committed to him in the covenant of marriage, you may have no good way out of this without being the bad person. I'm not saying you are a bad person but honestly he has held up his end of the bargain and you want out of this contract. I don't want to dissuade you from following your desire, but just be mindful of his suffering. You are at an impasse and somebody is going to come out of this as a loser. You will be stuck in an unhappy marriage or he will be left and hurt. I hope you find a third option, good luck.

 

Life is complicated enough without worrying about whether we are being "authentic" or true to ourselves...look at it another way: who are we, really?

We think there is a core to our personalities, but this is often an illusion. For example, it is reasonable to assume we know our parents pretty well; I mean they've been around since we were born and these essential people in our lives generally seem to be pretty stable with respect to their personalities.

But then, a funny thing happens, the kids move out, there's a divorce or a death, etc. In other words, there is an important change in their situation. Here's the kicker: what often happens as a result of these changes is fascinating: our parents no longer behave as expected (often to our dismay, or shock) they may try new things, enter into new relationships, they may move out-of-town, or suddenly express parts of themselves that no one ever suspected...such as their sexuality...

The masks that we wear while we play our social roles is a game that we all play, it is a mask that we wear to fit the stage upon which we must dance. It is a mask, nevertheless. As with peeling an onion, removing one mask reveals another, until...what? We find there is no real core, only desire, only longing...you are not a self that desires, you are desire, you are love...and if that love that you are is with your husband and children, then so be it...

The only certainty is change, if he became inattentive during your marriage, it could happen again. Soon enough, the kids will move out. If you and he have strengthened your relationship during this time, all the better, but you know that these desires won't go away, and you may find yourself in a stronger position later, with respect to yourself and to him.

Who knows? You may one day, after all, get the chance to shock your children too!