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“Long Post” My story being a 30 year old guy in the closet

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Aaron31, Dec 18, 2020.

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  1. Aaron31

    Aaron31
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    I turned 30 years old this year and I really want to come out but am still so scared. I live in a smaller town with not a lot of people which has made it always hard to accept myself for who I truly am. I have know I was gay since I was about 10 years old. When I was younger I used to always love when my family was all out of the house, I would get the box of my sisters old clothes out and put on a a cute dress or the one piece bathing suit and prance around feeling so cute and pretty. I did this as often I could, I loved looking in the mirror and thinking how cute I was. I never thought anything of it until I got a few years older. When I got to junior high I seen plenty of pretty girls but also was checking out boys. At this point I thought I cant be gay if I think the girls are pretty but why do I think the boys are cute to? I tried dating a few girls but never felt a real physical attraction to them, they were more like best friends and never lasted long. By ninth grade I was looking at pictures of cute feminine boys online all the time and also when I started watching porn. I only watched gay porn and a lot of it, it turned me on so much seeing two boys all about each other. I tried watching straight porn a few times but just got grossed out. When I got in high school I realized everyone I knew was in relationships and started realizing I was definitely gay. There was very few gay people in my high school and even though they were treated like crap, I still was so jealous they were able to be themselves. There was one gay boy I was really attracted to and wanted to approach him so many times but was so scared. Id go home after school and put on a cute speedo or some sexy underwear and just feel so good wishing I could be like that all the time. All high school I just acted like I didnt want a relationship and still pretended to be straight. Today I wish I would have came out during that time. After high school I started partying a lot and ended up with 2 duis. I got through all of that and got a normal job and started my life right. Then all through my 20s I continued to pretend to be straight and just live a normal life. Work, go home, repeat. I have never stopped watching gay porn so knew I still was but just finally 100% accepted it 2 years ago. In my head now I tell myself you are gay definitely. My only attraction is to guys no doubt. I finally bought some “toys” and started experimenting and I love it so much. I am a very skinny boy and my true self is very feminine that I hide. Im still a twink boyish looking guy and im only attracted to the same kind of feminine guys. I always loved tight clothing and finally have a closet full of clothes that are truly me but scared to wear them out. I have put on some skin tight jeans and a cute shirt and jacket and drive somewhere farther away and walk around feeling so cute. When I do that it feels good being who I actually am and wish I could be like that every day. Im really thinking of going to some gay clubs in bigger cities around me just to see more of who I am. I also feel like I want to move to a completely different area so I can just start new and just show up and be exactly who I truly am inside. I just am so sick of hiding my cute self from the world. I really wish I this world didnt make us so scared to be who we are. I always think I wish I could go back to being 10 years old and just telling my parents I like boys and feel like I would have had such an amazing life. Sorry this post is so long but if anyone reads this I would appreciate any advice anyone could give me or even if there’s anyone like me that wants to talk more about our lives.. thanks peace and love
     
    #1 Aaron31, Dec 18, 2020
  2. BiGemini87

    BiGemini87
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    Hello, Aaron. Unfortunately I don't have much in the way of advice to give. To me it sounds like you already know what you need to do in order to feel fulfilled, but it's just a matter of doing it. I definitely recommend relocating first, if you feel it will be safer to come out after the fact. That way you're in no danger of any backlash you might receive from family members.

    I suppose that's another matter, too. What kind of relationship do you have with your family? Have they ever expressed homophobic views and if so, how extreme or frequently?

    I hope you're able to do what you need to in order to be your true self. Let us know how things go?
     
    #2 BiGemini87, Dec 20, 2020
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  3. quebec

    quebec
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    Aaron.....Hello and a very big welcome to Empty Closets! There is a sub-forum here on EC that could be a big help to you, it's titled "Gender Identity and Expression". If you post there I think you'll find people who will understand what you're dealing with as they have gone through similar things. We are glad that you have found us here on EC...please keep us updated on how things are going for you and remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #3 quebec, Dec 20, 2020
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  4. Aaron31

    Aaron31
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    Thanks for the reply! And yes I think moving away would be my best option. As with my family, my parents always showed signs of homophobia throughout my life. The comments they made definitely made it even scarier for me as I feel like they would not accept me. I’m not too sure about my siblings honestly, I think they would be ok with it but I just dont know.
     
    #4 Aaron31, Dec 21, 2020
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  5. Lyman

    Lyman
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    Hey, Aaron. I'm 25 and I resonate with some parts of what you're describing. I live in a small town, it took me forever to come out (in my case, I just couldn't come out to myself) and there are also several other experiences of yours that are common to me.

    When I hit 25 some months ago, I also started thinking that I didn't want to keep standing still.

    Congrats! That's one of the most difficult steps of this journey, if not the most difficult one.
    I didn't get there until quite recently, despite obvious evidence.

    I try to avoid negative thoughts like “If had come out to myself eight years ago, everything would've been great” because they don't produce anything positive and, on top of that, I can't be sure of that conclusion — maybe I'd made stupid mistakes due to being too immature (e.g., getting an STD or being beaten up or outed after trusting the wrong people). I mean... Who knows?

    Instead, I prefer thinking “If I don't start/continue taking steps towards living more authentically right now, I will deeply regret it in eight years' time.”

    Although it's important to consider the worst possible scenario and about its consequences, keep in mind there have been cases of very unlikely parents to become supportive that totally changed when they knew it was their own kid (obviously, not immediately, and after some time to adjust).

    Do you have any plans for doing this in the short term?
    It can take time, but there are many things you can do in the meantime!

    I perfectly know and understand what you mean by that, but I'm going to use it as a cue to remind you that, no matter what's going on, you can never forget that you're always cute. :slight_smile:

    I think this is your main goal and what brought you here, right?
    I also started with coming out very recently. If you click on the blue text, you'll find a number of references to that fear you're feeling and how to deal with it, including this wonderful quote:
    Who do you want to come out to? Who are your best options? You want a positive reaction for the first time(s)!
     
    #5 Lyman, Dec 27, 2020
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  6. Lemony

    Lemony
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    I agree here with all of it. Move and be you. :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #6 Lemony, Dec 27, 2020
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