Are you the only LGBT person in your family?

Yes, my sister is a closeted bisexual, I'm the only person IRL who knows about it.

 

My son is gay although he had several girl friends in his teens/early twenties. One day he turned up with a younger guy and announced he was gay and this was his boyfriend. They’ve now been together for over 20 years. Didn’t shock my wife or myself, my wife is bi as am I. We all get on well although my son doesn’t know we are both bi, however I’ve never told my wife I’m bi. In years past we’ve had MFF threesomes, I have suggested bringing in a male but she’s not interested.

 

Have you ever told anyone close to you that you are bi? Why have you not told your wife or kids?

 

The only person I’ve told is a close female friend, ironically she said would love a threesome with two bi/gay guys. The reason I’ve not told my wife is the fear of rejection, although we have been together for 47 years.

 

If you were sure she wouldn't reject you, would you want her to know? Or are you not bothered whether she knows or not?

 

i think your fear is valid and that you are in the best position to judge having been in relationship with her for 47 years. On the other hand, i think what you are doing by sharing is also healthy, getting other perspectives. While no one else can decide for you, sometimes others can offer insight that alludes us.

In my experience, one of the things that can happen in a long term relationship is we establish patterns, and some of those patterns are... uninformed. E.g., your wife relates to you as hetero, she's "uninformed."

For me, part of what defines intimacy, or intimate relationship, is knowing and being known, and then being accepted and affirmed for who and how one is. i think that kind of intimacy requires both compatibility and love. But i think most intimate relationships derive from what passes for love, (they don't teach relationship in school) but few take compatibility into consideration as part of the foundation to build on. We end up discovering stuff when we live together, one likes to sleep in a warm room, the other likes it cold... and we share a bed.

That's the simple stuff, we compromise. But we also may discover things that are not so simple. For instance, questions of identity. Some end up hiding, some end up compromising. i question if it's healthy to compromise identity, or if it's even possible without something getting warped, distorted? idk, i'm only skirting a complex topic.

For me the question comes down to being known vs not. i think Jt1999 asks a question that gets to a (the?) crux of the matter:

Given my definition of intimacy/intimate relationship, there is a (big?) part of you that in your relationship with your wife that is unseen, unknown, un-affirmed... unloved? Which you know and feel either consciously or not. i was in a similar position as you, and i felt that part of me was being smothered, killed (well, sort of attempted murder, i don't think that part of me could have died, but it sure got mangled).

On the other hand, your bisexuality is a part of you. There are other parts that probably experience "intimacy" as defined above. Is it enough? Does it work well enough for you? To me, the other half of that question is, does it work for the others in the intimate relationship, because relationship is about all parties concerned, which is part of what weighs on you, no?

i'm of the opinion that there is no such thing as "the perfect relationship." That no one can be everything another needs, which is why i think compatibility and love are vital ingredients to a sustainable relationship. Compromising on whether to have tacos on Tuesday is very different that compromising an aspect of one's identity.
Some find a way through that by doing something like open relationship, or polyamory. Some have a "don't ask, don't tell arrangement," but that's really not the same as being hidden or unknown. What remains hidden or unknown is not your being bisexual, but the details of exercising that part of your self. To me, that feels like partial rejection. I.e., i'd be known, but not completely accepted, not affirmed or loved as i am. But some do not need "completely."

 

I have an aunt, a cousin, a niece, and time well tell, 2 nephews. Now i fly solo amongst my brothers. But... I believe it's a spectrum and well. if the right person and opportunity arises... who knows?