Embracing your homosexuality

Totally

 

6 years .. Also have the feeling that its on a countdown.. and just waiting for it.. probably will come out the next time we have a fight of some sorts about something totally un-related which will become my fault I presume.. I think the only thing I do want from her is to acknowledge me for who I am.. would make the worlds difference in our relationship.

 

I was comfortable with the likely possibility that other people would learn I am gay when I told these woman about my attraction to men. If I felt it was something that I needed them to keep a secret about I don’t think I would hav told them.

And this did lead to other people hearing rumors I was gay, but again I did not mind this. I am gay after all.

regarding the hot guy you noticed while you were out public I say good for you. I’m sure he would have turned my head too. It is very normal that you enjoyed looking at him. Just because you are a man seeing him doesn’t change the fact that he is hot.

 

I have thought about this so much it's starting to impact everything I do, and now, what I say. I too would like her to acknowlege this part of me. But I can't see us staying together for long after that conversation. The reaction of her friends to her husband being gay? I don't think she could live with that and stay married. In my sad expeience, none of my friends understand me, or even believe me. It's just so far away from their 'normality' Having got to this age, I'm trying to dismiss my sexuality as 'it doesn't matter any more - who's interested anyway?'. I'm trying, but I'm failing. Grabbing the rest of my life by the balls. Good idea, or madness?!

 

My thoughts, for what they're worth. I think you're right that in general most wives would not want to remain married to a husband who comes out to them as gay. So it probably makes sense to just accept that that would likely happen in your situation as well. I also think that friends will have a variety of responses if someone who has presented as straight comes out as gay, so to my mind that's not strongly determinative factor in making a decision moving forward. It sounds like the real question is whether to deal with your sexuality without coming out, and thus stay married, or to come out and see what course your life takes after that (unknown at this point). You may meet someone else if you come out, or you may not; no one can predict the future. But that sounds like the fundamental choice you face.

 

I hesitated at first, but my female friend was very sex positive and I felt so empowered it just felt so normal. A feeling started to develop that the only place I was 'me' was with her, which made me want to come out to more people, which is where i am now.
I was never comfortable with guy's 'locker room' talk about women. I told myself it was because I am 'pure'. But i have had pretty candid conversations with my woman friend about sex and I am totally comfortable.

We can't control our 'coming out' and at some point we have to realize the fear is holding us back.

 

At a cetain age I think things start to get exponentially difficult. Not just the option of leaving your wife and letting her go, but also your outlook of exploring your own sexuality. Taking a leap of faith and grabbing life by the "balls" does seem almost impossible without someone getting hurt, but maybe its also something inevitable. But how do you see the next, 5 , 10 ,15 years and do you think on what could have been. Physically me and the wife have no intimacy, almost like room mates..yes we share a bed, we say we love each other, amd we make a awsome team,but is it only that we are comfortable, knowing each in's and out? Is there a middle ground? Something we can work with? Or would it only go one way? Or could there be a compromise? We stay together, but allow some freedom...

 

I was in the same position as you and Maldoone but my need to explore my true sexuality became overwhelming. It was all I could think about and was totally consuming me. I had no option eventually but to come out to my wife. I admit that I had started having a relationship with a gay guy whom I had met online. Anyway my wife and I concluded that separation was the right course for us as neither of us could fulfill the other’s sexual needs. This was a terrible wrench but it was definitely the best course for both of us. I have now come out fully and am living as a proud openly gay man and have never felt so fulfilled in every way. I still remain close to my wife who was quite bitter at first but is now dating and seems happy. As you say, we only have one life and I concluded after many years of hesitation that I had to live authentically besides which my sexuality became so overwhelming that I was simply unable to continue to bottle it up. Every person needs to do what is right for them but no one should feel that it is too late to do anything.

 

Could not have put it better myself. The pressure inside driving me to be more out is intense. But I don't know if it's to anyone's benefit, mine included. Maybe I just want someone else to make that decision, like she almost did six and five years ago. I think I want her to recognise and be with me on that side of me. I don't think she even wants it ever mentioned again. Are you out to your wife? I just wondered what you mean by "some freedom" I guess I am out to mine,, yet time has dulled that knowledge and it's locked in a room that I have to go through to find out if it's better out there. I have the key to that room. I never threw it away.

 

Thanks Enzo, that was very uplifting. There's a door here and I think I'm going to have to open it. YOLO.

 

Yes, out to the wife, but it seems that its a discussion being ignored. Seems everyone is experiencing that is some or other way.

With "some freedom", I mean to be my self. Not to only be an actor in my own life.

I do not want to leave her, but she needs to understand that as bi I have the capacity to not only be attracted to one gender. She sees everything in black and white, which causes a problem. She does not want to acknowledge that people can be fluid, and that I fall in the category.

As there is no intimacy in our relationship, it would be nice to have a wishful conversation about it.. which is also something being ignored.. except when there is a confrontation when its used as ammunition. Time and time to be blamed that I am gay, just to acknowledge the fact that I am into more than one gender.. so confused about that one. I think those times she is trying to hurt me .. problem is that I am very comfortable with that part of me, so it makes her mad if she can not provoke a response.

I am waiting for the right moment.. To have the "Conversation" ... maybe with the next altercation... get it all out in the open as I am not out to anyone else.. except my therapist of course.

 

Me too. It looks like we're in the same position. I'm wondering how to get someone online to talk to, other that a dating site. A 2-way conversation. I just snatched a moment to write this, we're in the same time zone, I'll get another moment later today I hope. M

 

True, dating site also doesn't work for me. Finding someone just to talk to is the difficult bit... And I understand the bit of only being able to post only when you can.

 

Yes, seeing things in black and white is a facet of my wife's character too. She is a trained scientist so there you go. I do see her point I guess - I'm looking at 100% of the available love interest in sight not 50, which might be a little scary for her. Soemetimes I have to remind myself that straight people might think that Bi and gay folks are always just looking for the next hookup, as per the reputation peddled by, well I was going to say, Queer as Folk etc. But how many straight people do I know who have watched that? All 50+ episodes!
Anyway, hopefully my trip to a local cafe set up recently for LGBT people might open access to a line of conversation that I desperately need. Small steps. And maybe if I can do it, join the Frontrunners for a jog one day soon. Just open the door a crack and get in. This is hard. Hardest thing I've ever done, no doubt about it. Cheers. M

 

realised I'd got my calculations wrong in my last post - that being that, say, only 6% of the male population is gay/lgbt, and assuming 95% of the female is straight then 100% target is way off beam! Then again, some of the women (am I allowed to say women?) are bi. I think I'm tying myself up in knots. Anyway, on with life. Which is thrashing around all over the place just recently. I blame the YA fiction on Netflix Young Royals which sent me off to find others such as Skam, Eywitness, Hearstopper, Sex Ed et al. And a pulp novel or two. So the idea that I could come out and be proud starts to grow. Except that in the process I would jettison a marriage. And it seriously occurs to me in this deluded state that I could do that and live life NOW, as the last line in Skam suggests. And, my mood changes, which is noticed by my wife, and then I think I should tell her what's troubling me and then I remember the last time I told her and how well that went (!) and the fact that straight people really really don't understand, no matter how much they tell you they do. Eff Eff Eff. I get so close to jumping everytime I go into a phase like this, and it gets stronger each time. Sorry, offloading, thank you for listening... How abiut you B1? Do you have stronger urges from time to time to say the hell with it?

 

Recently I feel that somethings got to give. Yes have those "urges" from time to time and try to manage it as best I can. I too have that phase where my mood changes and I need to explain it away with something superficial.. Its just to hard to have that conversation, and as you said in the previous post.. even if you don't want it to have an effect.. it will effect the marriage. Love you to bits, but please see my point of view.. even if its only now and then. (The question I ask my self sometimes)

I don't see it as offloading.. its finding those in the same situation as you who maybe have another take on it. Or for you to just build up the courage to talk about that what we are not suppose too. Therapist pointed out to me "Remember, that with you coming out as bi just doubled the treat level." That made sense, but its also true what you said, its not a case that we should be generalized promiscuous as bi person. I think your idea of the misconceptions people may have and which they see as truth even though its misguided does effect us all in ways we don't even consider.

Although it would be awesome to be fully out, I can't see it without consequences.

 

....and it's those consequencies that stop me. It's rather too easy to see the green grass on the other side of the fence, and I constantly remind myself to look at the grass under my feet. My recent mood has prompted my wife to get upset with me, saying that everyting I say and do recently is 'all about you'. That argument that I'm selfish. It's a hard one to contradict, especially when I'm bottling up the core reasons for all of this. And we're back to straights not really understanding....so I'm trying to smile a bit more, even if it's hiding.

the alternative I guess is to part company, and head off into that marginlised sector of society called LGBT. Without resouces and facing a radical change in life style. Not palatable.

 

Stuck .. that is how I see it.. dammed if you do .. dammed if you don't.. that forces you into situations you would rather not be in.

Our fights end up in me needing to admin I am gay.. I normally just talk past it.. "you still dont get me" .. why must I be only one of two sides of a coin, but I think se has always felt that something was a little bit different, although she can't put her finger on it.. anyway... I get the art of hiding... wearing the mask.. acting ... I think that's why I am in the situation I am in .. and its seems a bit that you are also there.. you want to .. just cant... requiring just a little bit of acceptance, even if it comes across as selfish, maybe just to be validated?

 

validation, now there's a word. With it comes the rest of the runaway train.
Sometimes I wonder if I've been too much of a compromiser in life. There are gains - two fantastic kids. Not kids now. And (possibly) an escape from the great gay plague. But I haven't lived true, and hindsight is a wonderful thing. Nothing to do, but it stings nonetheless.So, aside from that wonderful film with Christopher Plummer as the father who comes out after his wife dies, and Ewan McGreggor as the son - there are diminishingly few chances of an ending as I'd like to see it. I've volunteered at my local LGBT centre. If they accept I guess the cat will be loose!

 

For me the kids is also a difficult on. They are still in the house. Waiting for them to find their path also seems to be the best option for now, supporting them with their own struggles. Maybe I should take comming out to the wife as a small win for now and be content. Its still difficult though. Think that is why searching out EC, having a bit of courage to voice how I feel and finding others with the same struggle and how they manage.

You volunteering is a bold move.. I dont have the confidence yet.