Venting Forum

This is not an LGBT related vent, but family stuff has been getting to me a bit. My grandmother was in a car accident several weeks ago. She came out with a neck fracture and is in a brace, but she has refused physical therapy for so long that her legs (which were uninjured by the accident, but were already weak before it due to her age) are atrophying and she's just not recovering. She refuses to eat solid foods. She's driving my poor mother (and her doctors) up the wall. My mom flew up there and has been with her trying to help her recover, but she's now leaving to go home soon. I visited last weekend and that was rough. My mom is in quite a state due to all of this.

 

I needed a desk so last year I built one in my woodworking class. If you want a desk, you should do something about it. If you don't have access to a wood shop, then perhaps you can get a job and save up for a desk. Make it happen! (Or just sit anywhere you want with the laptop on your lap)

Behold, my attempt at being motivational!

 

Totally off-topic:

I'm so fucking sick of being underweight, goddamn it. This shit needs to stop. I can't stay this thin at all; it isn't healthy and I'm very surprised that I'm still alive...somehow. I have the approximate height-weight ratio of someone whose anorexia is starting to become obvious (BMI of about 16). I used to weigh more last year and was a little shorter (maxed out my BMI at 17 before I got lazy again).

It's so frustrating, and the worst part is I'm not really trying. I need to stop being so fucking lazy.

Edit for clarification: I do not have, nor ever had, an eating disorder.

 

Music is all I can really use since my computer doesn't like to run Netflix for me and the site I used to game on requires emulators now. I could easily see if Youtube has the cartoons I love, but it's an effort thing. The same goes for DDR, which is a big thing for me. I could play it since I have the PS2 version, but it comes down to effort again (and the thing is buggy for me since I like to go hard).

It's pretty stressful, especially since I'm broke and can't afford anything to help me combat my dysphoria head on. I might be getting some money from a site I make stuff for soon if traffic picks up, but I'm putting it towards getting repairs on my glasses so I'm stuck. It's a big old bluh feeling. My dysphoria isn't as debilitating as it was yesterday, but it's in the background lingering now, kind of like being able to smell cigarette smoke even several minutes after it's been put out.

Thanks for the love though

---------- Post added 27th Mar 2015 at 11:00 PM ----------

I have relatives who are like that. They could binge on burgers and fries all week and still not gain a pound. The only time one of them managed to have weight on them was they were pregnant. One of them is about three years younger than me or so and has a low BMI like you do and it blows my mind sometimes. I'm the exact opposite, having a high BMI (29-31 high) and I can never manage to keep the weight off no matter what I do. Do you have thyroid issues by any chance?

 

What do you need? Are you talking surgery and T, or things like binders and such? There might be places that can help.

 

I hate being confused!!! I just want to be a regular gay girl. I don't want to deal with all this ambiguous shit whenever I see a good looking guy. I hate being closeted, but I hate coming out even more. Every time I come out people push me to like boys. They do it in many ways. I just wanna tell them that I'm gay and they should shut the fuck up. Too bad I can't do that. I'm not even sure if I'm gay or just a biased bisexual.

I'm also sick of all the shit I get on whisper about my sexuality. Whenever I post something about my sexuality there's always guys that pretend to help for a while and "offer" to let me experiment with them. Fuck off!!! I wish that straight guys found confused girls like me unattractive. I'm sick of my pain being attractive to men.

 

It's mostly about finding a decent STP to work with. I pack to begin with, but it's just a regular packer. I'd love to get my hands on a really good 3 in 1, but all the ones I hear about have mixed reviews and are super expensive. I'd hate to invest in something that isn't compatible with me (we're talking $110-$300). There is one I've seen that goes for maybe $107 (I think that figure includes the shipping), but then there's the matter of a harness and that's another ball park to go into.

It's complicated, but I've been feeling incomplete a lot lately, with it ranging from the depression of not "feeling" when I'm intimate with my partner to the depressing feeling that I know something is missing and "less of a man" for it. Yeah, I know I am a man no matter where I am in my transition, but it's just disheartening that I don't feel whole a lot and I can't do anything about it.

I could be able to afford at least 95% of that with some money I'm expecting from a site I make stuff for, but that could take months and I already told myself that it's going to go toward a repair on my glasses. I have stuff I can sell, but nobody's biting and I don't know about starting a GoFundMe page, because the community, especially on Tumblr, are vicious about those kinds of things and I don't really feel like beating myself down over it (I also have this pride issue about 'pulling my weight' and was never the type that liked to ask for help).

I do bind on the near daily and have been on T for about seven weeks now. Thankfully my chest dysphoria hasn't been too bad lately, and I have moments where I can go around the house shirtless and be okay with that. I'd love to get top surgery this year, but it's way too out my league financially. The most I can really look to is my name change which I'd love to get done by the time I'm 22 which will be in November, and get my gender marker on my ID changed. The only positive I can say is that my dysphoria hasn't been as crippling as it was years ago where I'd be curled up into a ball in my shower bawling.

 

Have you looked at </title> </head> <body> <p> <title> ? I can't remember where exactly I came across the link, but it was in an article about good places to find FTM stuff. They seem to have good reviews and the prices are way lower than that. You can get an entire kit w/harness for less than $80. But it looks like they're having a sale right now where they're all less than $60. Definitely worth a taking a look.

---------- Post added 28th Mar 2015 at 10:46 AM ----------

That link posted really weird, but it works.

 

My roommate and I are like speaking two different languages! He probably thinks of me as an idiot and everything I do or say might annoy him in some ways! Aaargh, why do I sometimes act cluelessly around some people?!

 

I tend to do that when I'm fearful--afraid of saying what's on my mind and heart. Chanting a few Buddhist and Kundalini mantras is helping tremendously with that. *nods*

My vent: Ugh, I've been using essential oils for several months now and this morning I... mistakenly put a combination of cinnamon leaf oil, tea tree oil and coconut oil on my eyelids. I thought it was another solution I had made (with a touch of apple cider vinager). Ugh, my left eye stings and my vision's a bit blurry!

This too shall pass. *sigh*

 

I've lurked around Tranzwear before (okay more than lurked), but on the fence still. I think it's again the fear of getting something and being uncomfortable using it. EC has nice looking 3 in 1s that are under $100 (minus the shipping) and I might invest, but I'm still uncertain. It's a pain in the neck.

 

I totally understand. It's hard to choose something you can't even try out when you can't even return it if it's not right. But it might be worth it to at least get something, even if it's just to hold you over until you can get something even better.

 

Of course this place is sold out of Cake Shakes just as I make it to the front of the line...way to ruin a relatively decent day.

Excuse me while I gently flip this little building.

 

My dad's always lecturing me to be more like Jesus, even though he's a complete hypocrite about it. Like, every night at dinner. Always the same thing over, and over. I can't say a thing against him because he's constantly thinking he's right, and if I disagree, it's all MY fault for not being a wide minded, perfect son who's perfectly okay with being runover by every person in the world. But don't tell my dad that, because he thinks that I think the entire world is against me!

My family recently affirmed that they do not support LGBT, but they'll leave them alone...and I was in the car with them. I couldn't say a word because they'd suspect. I was hoping to come out in the next two years...I had a fake story for them to hear and everything...

AND I STILL CAN'T GET OVER THIS DANG CRUSH! I've been crushing on this guy for the past 2 years, and we haven't seen each other in person for 2 years. I know he's dang straight, but I want him (not sexually). He pops into my head when I need to study, and it makes me sad because even though he's probably forgotten me, I haven't forgotten him...and he still thinks I'm straight. We may go the same college next year...

oh, and even after I get into one of the top schools in the nation, my parents are still getting on to me about making good grades, working on essays, studying for AP exams.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I'll think about it when I get a steady source of income in, that and if my confidence is up enough for it.

 

._. I screwed up my objective structural clinical exam. The pharmacy overview exam and mock counseling session were easy, but I fucked up calculations and device technique demo. I have to come back in for the latter two to remake them and make sure I pass.

For last semester's OSCE, I got near perfect scores for everything and only had to redo blood pressure assessment.

I'm starting to slowly lose motivation. Argh, what happened to my inner drive to succeed? It's slowly starting to fade...

 

I hold myself to really high standards when it comes to school and academics. This last week we had a test in AP Bio and I studied for hours and thought I was well prepared. But the thing is that our teacher barely teaches in class (we mostly do labs, etc.) so we do almost all of the learning through notes we take on our own. And then we get to the test and I thought I did well enough by getting 36/40 on multiple choice (which is pretty good considering a lot of questions come from previous AP tests), a perfect 12/12 on the calculator part, but then got 20/26 on the long answer. I looked over my FRQ answers and didn't see why I got them wrong, and then she explained to me that she was looking for specific answers that were not specifically asked for in the question (like expecting us to talk about gene flow and genetic disorders - not anything else that could also be examples). And then one of my other answers I had a different word for the same meaning - I defined everything about the topic I was talking about - yet she cut off two points (which doubles up to four points off) because I didn't use the exact words used in the book definition! I ended up getting an 84% on the test, even though I got a perfect and a 90% on the sections besides the FRQ. I don't understand how she can grade us so harshly - she expects everyone to be taking everything in like it's our main priority and for everyone to automatically know what she's thinking. Another thing is that she uses questions from the AP exams, yet she doesn't grade us on an AP exam scale. Normally, getting around 75% of the questions right would give you a 5/5 on an AP exam. Yet, we have nothing like that for our tests. Another school in our district has AP Bio tests graded on percentiles, while we don't even get a curve. I only know a select few people that have A's in the class, while everyone else is struggling to maintain B's or lower. I'm just really mad about it because biology is required and that's about the only reason why a lot of people are taking it, yet it's expected that it is the class that everyone puts above everything else to get an A in. Like I said, I'm super hard on myself so I aim to only get one B+ per year. With how my classes are going it looks like I'm going to have three B's this year and it's really discouraging

Also, added rant - right before spring break she threw a "Hey, here's four chapters we're not going to get through in class, but that will probably be on the AP test!" at us and I am so mad I am practically livid. She expects us to just study for them on our own and I'm so mad because this is an AP class that is overall supposed to be preparing us for the exam IN MAY and we aren't even covering all the material in class.

I can rant about school for hours, honestly. Don't even get me started on the American education system as a whole.

 

I feel.....things. ::sigh::

 

Gotta love seeing a crush post various things along the lines of 'I'll be forever alone, so guess I should accept that', meanwhile you just wanna rip out your frickin' hair wondering if they have been thinking about you at all since you kinda drifted a ways back.

WAIT A MIN..., wtf am I doing? I have way too many issues to even think about this kinda thing. I couldn't even care less about dating and all that, as I've never done it before...I'd rather remain alone.

But, just to get it off my chest, as I do daily:

Fuck you, attraction!