Venting Forum

my best friend of 8 years constantly does little things here and there that really irritates me and I constantly want to call her out on them, but I'm afraid it'll hurt her feelings and we won't be friends anymore.

 

The past week or so I've been keeping to myself and not logging on as much. When I realized we couldn't message other members of the forum until we became full members, I was disappointed. I realized the need... the necessity for such strictness, considering the amount of predators out there in the World Wide Web, but I was disheartened. So I began working on my own forum--a forum for queer book lovers. lol I'm the only member, though... and probably will be for a looooooong time. I can't work on forums like I used to. (I used to develop and design websites.) I can't be as productive as I used to be 'cause of CTS.

I also worked on a Windows 7 virtual machine for days... It's easy to get lost in projects when disappointed--when things aren't going my way. But I missed this place, so I came back. And I accept the limitations... At least we have this place--this forum--to interact with one another a bit.

 

Well, my doctor never seems to believe me when I mention something about my meds. I recently was put on new meds by my psychiatrist and one of the things that are agitated by said med is weight gain. I told my doctor about this and he said he'd look into it. He then calls me back and tells me, "why yes, weight gain is a problem with this new medication you were put on." NO SHIT I JUST TOLD YOU THAT! Weight gain is not very good for me, it gives me issues with my dysphoria and it just makes me feel sooo uncomfortable.

 

I just bumped into a porno where they "trick" a "straight" boy into getting a Gay blowjob...Some girl with extremely fake boobs blindfolds him because it's a fetish she has, and a Gay guy blows him...Right, since a person can't tell the difference between a woman's hand, and a man's hand...Stupid...

 

I'm at the point where I wish I never realized I was trans. If I knew I'd have to deal with headaches brought on by people shaming masculinity and those who are stealth on the daily, I'd stay ignorant and blind to it.

 

Can I go one day without having to hear my family spout homophobic crap, to ruin a semi-decent day?


Aunt just was talking about how she hated gym and didn't attend half the time, but what killed it was what she had said about her teacher (supposedly partially why she didn't want to go):

She said that she wasn't letting that 'bald-headed gay bitch' watch her change her clothes. >.>

 

Why is it that I always get rejected no matter what in all the senses of the word?

No one ever loves me back, no job ever calls me back, I can never win anything I enter in and even at school I'm not doing as good as I would like. Then you have people who say transphobic bullshit but I can't comment on it because I'm stealth and I would get tons of questions all the time.


Damn, this really helps my self-esteem, doesn't it?

 

Oh my god, YES! THIS



People that can't even doodle a stick figure criticizing design for being "simplistic" like they know shit. Get the fuck over it and go back to your cubicle, drone.​

 

Oh yes, this thread, what a great place to vent without wasting anyone's time by making a different thread. My problems aren't unique or dire. Well, it might be if I assume the worst. It's just that, sometimes I am at a loss of what to do, who I am, what is my idealogy. I feel empty of character sometimes, like there is really nothing more to me. No substance. What am I trying for? Am I doing things for me or am I trying to impress others? Every time I think like this I just want to isolate myself. Sometimes I just can't help feeling pathetic like this.

 

I'm sorry you feel this way, Gandalf. I felt like that for many years... I think a lot of people do. *nods*

My rant: I only had three or four hours of sleep last night... this morning. I was on Scribd.com all night searching for PDFs. God, I love ebooks... and I'm such a nerd!

 

One word. Dysphoria. *sigh* Mom mislabelled me multiple times even though I've asked her specifically to stop doing that.

 

I bought myself a cute outfit to try on, and some make up. At first, it was fun, but after looking at myself in the mirror, I realized:

I'm an ugly woman.​

Yes, I know. The bulk of what makes a woman is how she carries herself, but I'm going to be brutally honest here:

That works more for cis-women. That doesn't work for somebody like me. I'm just "a guy who is wearing women's clothing", and even if I engage in the most over-the-top and stereotypical feminine gestures, I will, at best, just be "a guy who is trying really hard to be taken seriously as a woman -- but is still a guy who is wearing women's clothing".

Sometimes I wonder, if cis-women realize how fortunate they are. Whatever they say and do, at the end of the day, the vast majority will still see them as women. But trans-women, no, unless we're blessed with a great foundation or hormones, it's a struggle.

Every. Single. Day.​

Every single day it's a battle, many of which we'll lose. The world is the battlefield, and each individual we encounter is a battle. It is so infuriating for someone, like myself, who otherwise doesn't give a rat's ass what the world thinks, to be at the mercy of that same world. I can believe I am a woman all I want, but if no one accepts me as one, what good is it?

Surgery or hormones is not an option at this time, unfortunately. It's... kind of a long story, but take my word for it. It will be a few years before I could even take that route, and who knows what will happen between now and then? But I digress...

The worst part of all this is... I'm not bad-looking, I think, in terms of male aesthetics. But that isn't who I am, nor is it how I feel. It's one thing to be lonely and bitter, but it's another to be lonely, bitter, AND "a guy who looks like an ugly woman".

I know not all women are supermodels, and that each and every one of them should be cherished and respected, for how they look and present. But the cold truth is, that typically only applies to female-bodied individuals. There's always this asterisk for trans-women, with only those who "pass" being included (and not even then, sometimes), while the rest are just patted on the head and told, "You look good!".

No, I'm not beautiful. I wouldn't even qualify to get in the door at a Miss Universe contest, I know this...

... and this is why I'm pissed and crying.

 

I'm sorry Kaiser I hope things gets better (*hug*)

I can't even handle this dumb sh** writing class I have to take. I'm a math major and I'm honestly never going to write anything ever again after this class (except fiction and poetry). ASDFJSKSBHNWENEOGNSDLFJSFDSDJ:KJAJEWNGJKN

 

Kaiser, I am really sorry for whatever youre going through right now. A tear or two came out of my eyes while reading your post. Whatever your feeling is a mental thing and cant be helped by someone who's online and I FUCKING hate that I cant hug you and tell you that youre BEAUTIFUL. You are admired and looked up on here in EC by MANY members, focus on that. Kaiser, I hope you will feel better. For the meanwhile, take this big fat gay hug from the Philippines to where ever you are (*hug*)

 

My stomach hurts. I always have problems with it but now I haven't been able to do anything for four days. Last night was the worst, couldn't sleep till 4am and finally fell asleep on the floor cause it was the comfiest place. Today all I can do is to lay in bed, walking hurts, sitting hurts, eating hurts. I'm not even hungry even though I haven't been able to eat properly since sunday. I've had smoothies (the amount of one serving is 1/3 of my usual portion). Last night I had noodles cause I really felt like having them and since that it has been unbearable. Even drinking water disgusts me even though normally I drink easily few litres in a day.

I will have to make some serious changes to my diet once I'll be able to eat.

 

I had to register for classes today. They all filled up crazy fast and I couldn't get most of the classes I wanted.

 

This is my story of today—no offense to any of the boys who aren't asshats, but I feel like all of the ones that I know are the most disgusting creatures in existence.

Gods, I was so close to coming out today, so close to just screaming it out, but as close as I came, this terrible knot of insecurity still tugged me back.
I was in my math class, but almost no one was there today. Just seven students and the teacher-in-training. We weren't doing math. One boy had made a chart on the white board and he was giving ratings in different categories to these two unknown girls who he wanted to take to prom. It was ridiculous and objectifying which had me pissed off. He wanted to take the "hot one" but didn't know how to ask her, and I was flabbergasted when the 50-year-old-man who was supposed to be teaching us statistics gave him a suggestion: "Lie to her. You should tell her you're seriously considering joining the military and that you want to spend this last dance with her." Or something like that. I couldn't believe that he would stoop down to prom-boy's own baseness and I was incensed and horrified that there are idiots who actually think like this. And then prom-boy actually texted that to the girl. And the old guy added, "She should say yes because that will be the patriotic thing to do." And this exchange between prom-boy, the teacher-in-training, and one other boy was just so sexist, insensitive, disrespectful, and other nasty adjectives that my feminist senses were ready to explode. But what really did me in was the complete and utter shame I felt for sharing the same sex as these idiots. I picked up my things and ran out of the room with two of my friends and we camped for the rest of the day in our sympathetic guidance counselor's office.
I used to hope against hope that boys didn't actually think and do things like this but I guess it was all just hopeless optimism. I was so worked up that I could barely even speak. On the outside, I managed to get out a few clumsy words of outrage, whereas on the inside I was screaming about how much I detest the sex I was born into. And one of my best friends, she crouched down in front of me while I was on the floor unable to put my emotions into comprehensible words, and she gave me this look like she knew exactly what I was trying to say. And I was so close to coming out right then and there, but I couldn't do it. I froze up and buried my face in my hands in infinite frustration with the world. Instead I just expressed my resolve never to go back to that class again. But that look, I felt like she knew I wanted to come out and I could've done it right then and I didn't because that damned fearful knot inside me wouldn't let me.

And sorry again to all the nice boys out there, my mind tells me you can't all be idiots like the ones I know but right now my heart's obstinately saying otherwise and it's all killing me.

But the kicker—I can't do anything about the teacher-in-training. He's untouchable because his wife is the top dog in my city's board of education. Not to mention the principal of my school has beef with all of the faculty who are on the side of my friends and I. And that's because the principal is trying to bend the rules to make sure her delinquent son is regarded as a top student when he should have been suspended several times over. Not to mention that the principal is a total kiss-up to her own superiors at the Board of Ed downtown, including the wife of the unprofessional teacher-in-training who seems to only want to talk about everything except the material he's supposed to be teaching us.

And this and a host of other problems just has me feeling so caged in and I'm so sick and done with it all. Done with the bureaucratic, Catch-22-esque nightmare that is the education system, done with the male fools that I have to contend with on a daily basis, and sick of the dysphoria that's been kicking in full force lately because of all the other crap that keeps triggering it. I just want to drop out and escape but I know I can't do that because I know that putting up with this BS is the only way I'll be able to make sure I can support myself later in life.

Gods, is this a tunnel with a light at the end, or is this a cave that just keeps getting deeper and deeper? Because right now it's feeling more like a cave to me.

Rant finished.

 

I am mad at myself for not being able to keep my feelings of anxiety under control enough for me to be able to enjoy going out with friends.

 

If the weather would stop changing its fucking mind and let my joints have some peace that would be great!

 

So frickin' stressed right now that I feel I could cry.

Why can't I move to another galaxy or something, then I wouldn't have to worry about family, people, being f*cking weird for my identity, ya di da di da?

I'm soooo ready to start this new job on Tuesday. It'll hopefully be my first step to being able to do enough to get out on my own and really do my own thing.