married and gay

Geff. I've been fighting myself not to stick my two cents where it's not wanted, so take it for what it's worth.

My general advise to anyone considering long-term infidelity is this: You made a commitment to her when you married her and I'm sure it was made with the most honorable intentions. Even if things are terrible between you, have enough respect for what you once had, or at the very least, respect for the commitment you made when you married her and end this before you start up with someone else. BUT, you claim to love and respect her and value her opinion above all else. How could you possibly consider betraying her by finding your satisfaction outside your marriage and keeping her in the dark? If you truly feel so strongly for her, you absolutely owe it to her, as much as to yourself... to be honest with her. You're finally being honest with yourself, now she's next in line. You made that commitment, now live up to it.

:soapbox: Yes, I know. I'm getting down now. Sorry. :icon_redf

 

Geff,

I am sure struggling through this is hard. As a matter of fact hard can be an understatement in this situation. I I am sure you have ran through a gauntlet of emotions, questioning and calculating every move you will make until you come out to your wife. I am sure you have acted out every conceivable scenario that could possibly take place when coming out to your wife, some scenarios have a happy ending while others end in a tragic bitter divorce. Now with that being said, take all those outcomes and flush them down the toilet, because there is no way to predict the outcome or the reaction of our spouses.

I preface this response with the above statement because like you I scoured the internet looking for advice and stories about men like us and found many. but everyones story is different (comming out) and typically cannot be used as a barometer too gauge our own lives or the outcome of our coming out. the reason why I say this is because when I came out to my wife, my wife also came out to me. ((((((SHOCK)))))).... So with that being said my outcome differs greatly than others and these forums.

with both of us being gay we have opened our marriage and it's working out fine, but that's not to say that someone elses relationship would fair as well as mine has thus far.

as far as a relationship with another man, well let's just say that's a work in progress. the guy I am seeing is in his late 20's and very immature so long story short I don't see this one going very far..

Sex with spouse,,, our comming out to one another made us connect more on an emotional level, and yes we continue to have sex and it is better than it was prior to coming out. we are both still in the process of trying to figure it all out. we have kind of just thrown each other out there to see what happens. We have no immediate plans for divorce or separation. The main reason is that we have children to think about. We have become more like friends that have the occasional romp..lol

---------- Post added 27th Aug 2013 at 01:30 PM ----------

Sorry for that last paragraph, I did not realize it was filled with fragmented sentences. The screen on my phone is too small to proofread.

 

I wish you the best of luck and the best possible outcome: acceptance, love and the first step to your authentic, undivided self!

 

Geff, I can assure you, as I assured the women I was with, that I loved them deeply and sincerely. That they were amazing people who made my life better and I believe I did the same. I never entered those relationships thinking that this was my way out, never was unfaithful.

How can you not be anything but truthful? First, with yourself. I firmly believe that therapy offers great support, so you can get things sorted out for yourself. Like, would you even want an open relationship? Or would you want a LTR/partner/marriage with a man yourself someday? I say that -- because whatever you approach your wife with -- wanting to end the marriage, stay married but open, I don't think its fair to not be really clear first what you want.

I spent time in therapy, support groups getting myself straight (PUN TOTALLY INTENDED!). I knew it would be unfair to dump all this on her before I knew myself what was going on.

Your suffering impacts you, your wife. Find what makes you well and move forward, it'll be the best for both of you.

HUGS!

 

Gosh, I havent posted in weeks and weeks but this thread really resonated with me. I sorta, kinda came out to my wife of 23 years, just a bit more than a year ago; sorry to say, its been the worst year of my life and things keep on getting worse. Sure, I could advocate being genuine and authentic but i dont have a "gay" life. All of my friends were straight ( I say were for a reason) and we socialized mostly as a couple. Now my wife wants me to move out of the home I've lovingly taken care of, restored, decorated, landscaped, lived in as my kids have grown up. I can temporarily move to the basement or leave my home and live alone, seeing my kids by appointment. Sorry to sound bitter but I am struggling with this. I keep waiting for the joy of being free to set in. I honestly feel happy for the people who have succeeded at this coming out thing but Im not there yet. I am trying but it is uphill. I have a couple of groups I attend but the whole life is not falling together. I keep thinking that we used to have big labor day barbeques with 30 people. Now it will be just me. Hope it does work out for you Geff. I can tell you it wont get easier the longer you wait. That is my biggest regret. By the way, in regard to tricking the wife into marrying; not a fair call at all. I would say in my case, I tricked myself more than anyone.

 

Wow, auturoenrico, your post should be a whole new thread! What an amazing year of stretching, growth and pain this has been for you. The word that keeps coming to mind for me however, is authentic. Finding our authentic self. For those that are coming out in incredibly stressful married situations, I think the focus on authenticity and honesty will lead to peace and happiness eventually. I have met too many gay men who have found this to be true. Yes, it's hard. But the payoff is there if you really seek it. We can't live in the past. There is a new and better future. One that we didn't even know we could have.

 

Hi Geff,

Can I introduce myself? I'm the female version of you. :icon_bigg
I can relate to SO much you are saying... if you read my post here "I think I need help" you can see that I'm pretty much in the same situation as you are, except for that I am a woman married to a man, realising I'm a lesbian... but very much love my husband (he's my best friend), having a happy perfect little life together... nice house, two great jobs, a kid, a dog, two cars, lots of friends, nothing wrong right? Except for that one stupid little thing that keeps creeping back in to my mind, saying YOU LOVE WOMEN... :bang:
I don't really know what to advise you since I can not even decide what to do with my own life right now.. just wanted to let you know you're not alone, and I completely love how respectful you are about your wife, it sure does sound like you love her to pieces, which makes it even harder not to give in to any feelings you are having towards men. I know how hard it is... been there... still there... not doing anything about my feelings.

Just wanted to let you know. :smilewave

 

Geff
I'm glad you've kept posting and please go on doing so as long as you want to. It's one thing to read the posts here, it's another to stand up and unzip yourself in front of strangers and say "this is me and this is what's happening and I'm looking for help". That takes more than a little courage. Buddy I recognise that and I feel for you, it's a tough place you're in. I'll let the married and ex-married guys advise you. Go through other threads, there's much that will be of help to you. In whatever is to come, others may reproach you, but if you act honorably (there's an old fashioned word), and thoughtfully, and lovingly, you can live without reproaching yourself, and that's what really counts.

 

I know the feeling Geff. Sometimes I wished an open marriage would be possible for us too. That way he could also do something and me too... and stay together.
But I also know that usually goes wrong eventually.


Maybe if you will talk to your wife, she will allow you to have a bf if you stay with her. It's possible. Some wives love their husband so much that they allow this. Maybe your wife will, too. Who knows. I would hope so for you, since you don't sound eager to leave your family behind either.


As far as your friends go, if they are really your friends, they will love you no matter what!
If they don't, they're not really friends. In which case it's good you found out so you can make new friends who accept and like the REAL you. (&&&)

 

Geff
Please tread carefully with this guy at work. You could be a great support for each other if you handle it right. Maybe more. But he could be just working it out as you are. There's some pleasant sexual tension between you and it could grow, perhaps in unexpected ways if unrelieved. I've been there. I would suggest that you don't complicate an already complex situation until you sort your own situation(s) out a little more. But I know, it's really hard when you're working with a guy that you want to....

 

I know this had already been quoted a couple of times, but it captures EXACTLY what I feel as well - and have tried over the years to explain but have never done it as eloquently as this. Thanks Greatwhale!!

Geff - I was you 7 years ago. I'm now 42, have been divorced for over 6 years now, and am happier than I've ever been. So this can all work out in the end - for you and for your wife and for your daughter. I'm proof - as are others here. We've been there.

What I didn't do was stay faithful to my wife. And that's the biggest regret I have in life. So I would STRONGLY encourage you to seek out the advice and counsel of a professional to work through this, and keep your distance from potential love interests until you've sorted this out for yourself. The fact of the matter is, the first question your wife is going to ask you after you come out to her is "have you been with a man already?" and you'll be able to feel SO much better about yourself if you're able to say "no".

Find a counsellor and talk about this. Talk about what you really want, how you feel, what strategy you might take to break this to your wife. Make resources available to her because she'll need support as well. And plan on counselling together as a couple - because even if you're not planning to stay together, you'll be parents together for the rest of your lives. So maintaining a good relationship is critical for your daughter's benefit.

You've got a lot of great advice and support here already. There was a time when I was the only previously married guy here on EC - and the only person who was able to relate to this sitaution when someone arrived. But now there's a whole community here that supports each other and the newcomers when they arrive. It's really remarkable. I'm glad you've found it helpful. Take care, and welcome!

 

Let me say that I did NOT stay faithful to my wife and in some ways it's made it easier. I had never had sex with a guy until a couple of years ago. In the last few years, I've had sex maybe five or six times while I was out of town on business. What it did for me was allow me to confirm that yes, I am truly gay. The question in my mind was "what if I get a divorce, start having gay sex and realize I hate it." That question haunted me and until it was answered, I couldn't make a decision.

 

Geff,

I have been meaning to post since this thread came up but I've been super busy with work and knew I wouldn't have the time to write everything I wanted to say.

I am also from a very small town in PA like you, have a daughter, in my early 30's and I met my now ex-wife when I was in grade school. She was always my best friend so it only made sense that everything would work well for us, it didn't. I had always said she would be the only girl I'd ever marry and that has turned out to be true but only because I'm gay. I have a very complex story about my marriage but I was divorced for about 1.75 years before I finally admitted I was gay. We were on again and off again because we wanted the "marriage" to work.

Well I am sad to say we were on again when I finally stopped denying who I am. We were living together again but hadn't had any physical contact in at least 6 months, which we both had some excuse for. It was a basic roommate situation which from what I've read here is similar to what you have. Day to day things are great because its normal everyday life, but on the intimate end things are just really crappy. One night I'm out with a friend for drinks and he is loaded and all over me, there was no denying what my friend was interested in.

This time it was going to be different for me and I had to know for sure if I was really gay so I went back to his place and things happened. I will admit, I didn't think the sex was really that good, maybe it was nerves, I really don't know. As we were laying there, he fell asleep and he was laying against me with his arm around me and in that moment I knew I was gay. There was no more denial, it was true and there was no going back from it. Unlike Bear101 it wasn't the actual sex, it was the closeness with a man that told me I was gay because I never had that with a girl and I always hated to cuddle. Looking back I was in love with my friend, the same way I was in love with a few other friends before I could admit I'm gay. I had a panic attack for about a week, the guilt was unbelievable for me so I told my ex-wife I was gay and that was the end of my life as I knew it.

Now that my story is out of the way, I will move on to the advice section.

I recommend a book by Joe Kort, its 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives. I learned a lot from this book and I'm not much of a self-help reader but I can say it was a good easy read for me and helped me understand a lot about why I feel the way I do and how to change my thought process. You can get it downloaded from an online vendor easily.

For your relationship with your daughter. One of the main reasons I decided to come out was actually for my daughter. I decided I didn't want her to potentially live a life that wasn't authentic to herself like I had been doing. She needed to know it's okay to be different and you don't have to be someone your really aren't. Different doesn't have to be bad. Staying together for the kids sake can be a very bad thing to do in my opinion. I've seen a lot of people damage their children more this way than people that I've seen that separate. It is sad to say but people get divorced everyday for a variety of reasons. If you are a good dad, you will take care of your kid and she will be okay. Things will not be the same for her, you or your wife but everyone will adapt and you will have a new normal that will be different.

I wouldn't cheat. I justify the idea in my head that I didn't because I was already divorced, we hadn't been physical in months and I almost immediately moved out and made it clear I was gay. In actuality, I suppose I am a cheater. If you think the guilt you have now is bad, wait until you get caught because it will be 20 times worse. I could not be on the down low because I can't juggle, I know people that are and it isn't for me. If you are thinking about going on the down low, make sure you really think about it and what will happen when you get caught. Getting caught in an affair is ugly, really ugly. You say your wife thinks you are cheating with a lady, if she finds out its a man I don't think you even want to imagine what might happen.

Before you proceed its best to take care of old business even though it's really hard. Greatwhale put it the best in his post about how we feel about our wives so I'm not even going to try. You love your wife but unless you can completely disassociate emotions from sex you will fall in love with a man and your mess will be even bigger. Finding a man will not fix your problems, I guarantee it will make them worse.

Life is going to change for you when you tell anyone, this includes your wife. When I told my ex, she insisted I tell my family which I begrudgingly did. Then she told some people because she needed support which I didn't really have a problem with. Then came the stages of grief and she got nice and angry and outed me on facebook. I have to say I was terrified and the post came down in an hour or so but the "damage" had been done. My life was changed forever with that post. I was shocked because there were other people mentioned in the post and it was an awful thing for them. In the grand scheme of things though, it was one of the best things that had happened to me. It was done and over and I was out and everything was okay.

Ten months ago I was sort of kind of in your shoes and now I'm in a completely different place. Different isn't bad, it's just different. You will lose things from your old life, find other things as you move forward but you took the first step by admitting to yourself that you are gay. Some days you will feel like you want to die and other days you'll feel happier than ever. You haven't been true to yourself in 30 odd years, don't wait forever, life is too short and you'll feel much better when the weight comes off your shoulders.

I took this from someone else's post and when I have a bad day I just say it to myself and it makes me feel better. "It's better to be gay, than ashamed of who you are". Simple but very true.

Take care and keep us updated.

 

Reading what I've read so far, I would say an "open" marriage is not for you. Open marriages are all about trust and keeping 0 secrets and feelings from your partner and them the same.
I would say to brace yourself, because this isn't going to be easy. But it has to be done. Be prepared for her to go through a gauntlet of emotions, almost in the same pattern as when someone dies. She will go through the 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and eventually Acceptance. Because it will be like a death for her. The person she thought she knew and the life she thought she had and the world she thought was one way...will now be dead.
With that said, I highly, highly, highly recommend you see a therapist or life coach that can help you set out goals and give you guidance in how to do this. They can be there for you every step of the way.

No matter the pain it will cause though, it is better to be honest than live a lie. I wish you both love and understanding during this time.

---------- Post added 30th Aug 2013 at 10:21 AM ----------

Sorry, I didn't see the post that you already told her. I still recommend having a professional help you through this.

I wish you three the best.