I finally got brave enough to talk to my therapist about this yesterday. I had talked to her about me questioning my sexual orientation very briefly in the past, but at that time, I quickly swept it under the rug, and we moved on to talking about other things. Yesterday, I started the discussion talking about my confusion about whether I'm gay or bi. (I guess there's still a small part of me that hasn't completely let go of that possibility.) I stated my evidence or doubts about both of them, but the rest of the session proceeded assuming I'm gay. At one point, I said something about me being gay out loud to another person for one of the first times in my life, which felt weird and uncomfortable. I must have made an audible "ugh" sound at that point which she picked up on, so we talked about internalized homophobia and shame. I later said something about me being attracted to men but also frequently feeling repulsed by the idea of being intimate with one. She said that's most likely the result of heteronormative conditioning and a part within me that shames me from accepting my homosexuality in order to protect me from the potential repercussions of being openly gay. It makes complete sense when I consider being raised in a very conservative small town in the Midwest. I won't bore everyone with all of the details of what was discussed about that. But we decided undoing that conditioning will be a primary focus of our sessions for the foreseeable future. I left the appointment mostly with a feeling of excitement and hope that I haven't really felt in quite a while, but I was also filled with anxiety about what I'm going to have to go through in the not-so-distant future.
I remember going to my friends house at lunch during junior high. He would take off his shoes and socks and put them up on the coffee table or the couch. I’d be trembling with excitement but I didn’t understand why. A few occasions when I was lying on the floor he would put the bottom of his foot over my mouth and nose. I’ll never forget that sweaty and sweet smell. Years later he and I reunited one drunken night. He pulled out his **** but all I wanted at that time was to touch and smell his feet. He totally understood and encouraged my fondling and sucking.
DCH I think you are beginning your journey towards your sexual evolution. It is extremely difficult to start to cut the cord of your heterosexuality and embrace your homosexuality. Internalized homophobia will sometimes short circuit those efforts. It’s best to work with a professional in order to break the pattern of denial. You will eventually find that life as an openly gay man is fulfilling beyond your wildest dreams. The liberation and freedom of totally embracing your homosexuality is an incredible feeling. Keeping moving forward, it’s the only path open to you.
Thank you for sharing, comrade. This was smoking hot ! The next time I need to invite my "5-fingered boyfriend" downstairs for a quick one I might shut my eyes and fill in some of the details
This was a big big step, congratulations! That feeling of excitement and hope is exactly what I felt every time I embraced being gay and when I went back into denial, I realized life seemed to have nothing to offer. I think once you really click with that feeling, it just grows and grows and you're on the path to becoming who you really are.
@dch @Contented gives good advice here... Even though I feel confident in being gay now, I am still going to engage a therapist to make sure I continue to make progress.
Thank you for the encouragement. I definitely feel it's going to be necessary to work on this with my therapist. Otherwise, I'm fairly certain I'll go back to living in denial as I've done numerous times in the past. I was on here posting about all of this two years ago and was confident at the time that I was finally accepting this, but then I backslid into believing I was bi and could make a relationship work with a woman. I'm very scared about what's going to happen in the not-so-distant future, but I'm even more scared of spending the rest of my life living a lie and feeling ashamed of who I am. Also, I've been chatting with a former coworker who is gay, and we're going to meet for lunch next week to talk about all of this. I figure if I can at least tell a few people about this, I'm more likely to embrace it.
Was he gay ? That’s how it started for me, I loved having my feet touched and played with or getting to smell, play or even be touched by others boys barefeet. I had very stinky feet when I was young and we’d take off socks and shoes and smell each others feet. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized that boys are kind of cute and I liked more than cute legs and feet.
I think I'm starting to really accept who I am. I used to think that it was unfair that I wasn't hetero, it was unfair that my life will be more difficult than other's life and that things shouldn't be that way. But I realized that if I was straight, it wouldn't be my life. I am not straight, it is a part of who I am. And my life, as a whole with its good and bad sides, wouldn't be what it is if I wasn't who I am. All the person I love, all the things I love, all the good things I have done, all of that may have never exist if I was straight. Life is too complex to be seen as something I can divide and just keep what I prefer. So I think I'm beginning to be happy as me. Because nobody else than me (a not straight being) can have my life, my friends, my family and every single things I enjoy in my life. And I'm happy to have those. I'm happy and I'm not straight. I'm me. And I think it's pretty great.
I've sort of been feeling this way recently too. I wonder where I'd be right now if I could have somehow accepted and embraced this decades ago. But then I realize I wouldn't have my two awesome kids, for one thing. Also, I don't think I was even slightly consciously aware that I wasn't straight until I was in my late twenties/early thirties. We do the best we can with the knowledge we have at any give point, and I figure there's no point in lamenting a past we can't change anyway. The best thing we can do is stay focused on the present and try to create a more authentic future.
I'm in a bit of a transitional phase right now. On one hand, there's a certain level of acceptance that's been achieved, and it does bring some peace to be able to stop fighting with myself. On the other hand, I do wish there was some sort of magic switch I could flip in order to just be straight in order to avoid all of the turmoil I'm going to have to go through and the pain it's going to cause at least one other person. In fact, I still catch myself having moments when I try to convince myself I'm bi and not gay. But I know deep down that that's not the case and the there is no switch I can flip in order to be straight. This is why I decided to talk to my therapist about all of this so I can work through it. For the moment though, I'm experiencing this weird juxtaposition of emotions. I'm simultaneously feeling a degree of self-loathing as a result of the internalized homophobia and excitement at what lies beyond the near future. I do look forward to a time when I feel that I am indeed lucky to be gay.
I feel exactly the same way. I only wish I had been able to embrace my homosexuality as a teen. Even with its challenges then I would have much happier and not wasted so many years.
When I joined Empty Closets, a member had the following sentence as part of their many responses: it's never too late to be what you might have been. While coming out is dictated by so many factors, and each feel and are different for everyone, the fact that you have come out to yourself, and to others, is far more important than what didn't happen the past. You can't shape the past, but you can have a say in how the future might unfold.
This is what I fear now, I guess that's a good sign I am embracing it, but I want to reach the point where the idea seems comical. There came a point where I felt a switch -when I was in acceptance mode I started to desire to never go back to denial, and those periods just got longer and longer. Now I don't want to go back to the turmoil of denial.
With me and I believe many others there was a sort of switch when the desires become so overwhelming and I realised that denial was no longer possible. I knew that I was attracted solely to men and that this would never change. It was at that point that I accepted my sexuality and felt happy to be who I was. I realised that there was nothing shameful about being gay, expressing and experiencing your gay sexuality can be so beautiful and fulfilling. Denial ceases to be an option because you know that you are and have always been gay. I am sure that you will both reach this stage.
I haven't said anything about myself to any family because they would never accept the fact I love men.. I waited for many years to start seeing guys and I'm now older and see what I missed. I can't seem to get enough man because I love to feel them touch me and kissing is what I really love and it makes me more feminine every time I am passionate with a guy. Now I want so much more but it's all young people now. I don't feel like I fit once again.