Do you regret divorcing and/or coming out?

That is so brilliant!

I've struggled with picking my label. Sometimes it's "bi", sometimes it's "The 'B' in LGBTQ". During a recent meditation, it was simply "I am what I am", with no intention of praying any thing away, but rather to build on this gift I've been given.

 

Hi @JToivonen -
If I may ask, how did you start the conversation?

People use whatever tools they have, and it sounds like your wife has had a lifetime steeped in fundamentalist Christian thought. She loves you, or at least she loves who she wants you to be, and it seems like she's feeling threatened, so she resorts to what she knows best. When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

I fervently hope you're feeling better by now. I totally understand the feelings of guilt, but with time I think those feelings will be replaced with the realization of the honor of truth, and respect for your courage in speaking the truth.

With love, light and hugs-
=Sevn

 

Brilliant! I love that!

Here's what I've declared for myself-

Three things:
1) I don't have to wait for everyone and everything around me to be okay before I can experience joy and happiness.
2) I don't need to be unhappy in order to keep working on the things around me that are not okay.
3) in order to experience joy and happiness, I need to be receptive to them.

I want to experience joy and happiness. I want joy and happiness in my life and I want to share that with the people around me.

 

Dionysios,
I'm so happy for you! I remember your posts of a few months ago, when things were not going all that well with your former wife. You have moved on, brother, YAY!!!

 

JToivonen,
I am you, in so many ways. I suspect that you have endured a great deal from your wife, possibly behavior that would not have been acceptable if she had not known you were gay (and fighting an internal battle to not admit it -- to yourself or anyone else). Many of us have. At one point, I told my wife that no "real man" (her words) would have accepted what she put me through and stayed with her for so long. In my case, as a younger man, I think I was attractive to certain females who knew they could take advantage of me (not physically, but financially, emotionally, and in other ways) because I displayed a certain vulnerability (and perhaps, insecurity). This was when I realized how much "in charge" she had been (with her lies and manipulation) throughout the course of our marriage.

 

Food for thought as I read the interesting and thoughtful responses: even before LGBT life was as "accepted," some people found each other, paired up, and lived their lives as paired up individuals though apart from any type of community or support system. These situations were somewhat uncommon. What was also uncommon is the strength these people had to do what they wanted and to go it alone. Some important people that made history even paired up and didn't care what others thought. In an unspoken way, they came out. Some people are just interested in the bond with another person and not in all the processing that goes with it. I'm going to assume that these people were wired toward less guilt and shame and just followed their instincts. Even today, people like this are still rare!

One EC member said that in some cultures remaining single for a fairly long time is viewed as if someone came out. In many situations, it might very well be that, but there will also be some exceptions. It also takes fortitude to stay single in societies that are so geared toward marriage and family.

 

@JToivonen , you remind me so much of myself, except I'm much further down the road. Your wife is hurting now, and you're feeling terrible, but I'll bet that sometime in the future you'll both see your actions now as a huge act of kindness. You'll both have the opportunity to move on with partners who are right for you both.

You can't be faulted for being drawn to your wife when you originally got together - she's kind and generous.

 

My perspective on the existence of God is that I think the typical approach is backwards. We learn some description of God (maybe a cognitive being who cares for us like pets) and then decide if that could exist. Maybe it would work better to consider the premise that God exists, and then think about what God is.

I believe there are conflicts between certain religions and being gay, but being religious or spiritual has nothing to do with being gay or straight, any more than riding a bicycle does.

 

Some gay men can remain married to women. I've met three of them. They have a term for this "gay plus one". Meaning they are gay but do love their wives in both sexual and romantic ways. In each of these cases, the wives are very accepting of their husband's sexuality. And, in each case, the marriage includes intimacy. In two of the cases, the men also have boyfriends but the marriage is the primary relationship.

I don't know any men that have remained married to wives that cannot accept them. Sometimes, the process takes awhile.

Of course, I only know a small number of gay men married to women and the ones I know are vocal and open. It is possible, probable, that there are many gay men who remain married and remain heavily closeted.

Only you can decide if you can make this work. But, even as a bisexual, I found it very difficult to keep part of who I am out of the marriage. Fortunately, my wife accepts me for who I am and we have made the marriage work AROUND that and not IN SPITE of my sexuality.

Your wife is just learning about your sexuality. So, she deserves some room to understand and she deserves the opportunity to accept you.

But, at the same time, you do need to remain true to yourself and not promise something you cannot deliver.

 

Wow, I guess I'm lucky; my wife was such a manipulative, self-absorbed bitch.

 

So. Let's say you are bisexual or "gay plus one". Can you be comfortable in a relationship where your partner is "disgusted" by your attractions?

I couldn't. Even though I kept
My attractions a secret from my wife for over thirty years I knew my wife, in y heart of hearts, that my wife would accept me. Maybe she couldn't stay married and that scared the crap out of me.

It sounds like your wife may never get to the place of acceptance. And, it sounds like both your wife and you desire intimacy but it doesn't work between the two of you.

I gave up intimacy, largely, for several years due to my wife's menopause and botched hysterectomy. I couldn't do it. I started to be very angry and unhappy.

I could have pushed through. But, why? we each have to allow ourselves to be happy. That is not being selfish. You cannot provide what your partner needs if you are operating from a point of unhappiness.

It seems like you have made your decision. What do you see the value of waiting? Are you waiting for your wife to be the one to say enough?

Just questions not accusations...I have a tendency to be a bit blunt.

 

@RJH , I'm sorry you got dealt that hand. But I think I see what you're saying if it's that it's so much easier to walk away from someone who is so unkind, and authentically be the person you truly are.

 

Here here!! Those statements resonate deeply with me. Thank you for posting them.

As for waiting a while, I see no problem with it. A decision that stands up to a reasonable delay is all the stronger.

BTW @Nickw , thanks for being blunt. Other words that come to mind are "honest" and "forthcoming". I have benefitted.

 

Hello. My apologies for not responding sooner. I neglected to read your message earlier. Yes, I still believe in God. While I don't pretend to be a theologian, I believe in a merciful and loving God. When I accepted that being gay was as God made me, I was finally able to put aside decades of self-loathing and shame and accept myself for the man that God made me. While St. Paul condemned homosexuality, I remind myself that St. Paul was not Jesus. St. Paul was fallible like all of us. I separate his personal opinions, which are hostile to homosexuality, from that of the Lord. I also feel that the Church leaders have erred in it's treatment of gay people. My new bf (who is also religious) and I are talking about finding a LGBT friendly church to attend.

My wife admitted that I hurt her by not being truthful about myself. While part of her loves me still, it will take her years to fully forgive me for what I did to her in coming out. However my wife did not want me to be unhappy either and stay in the marriage for appearances sake. She agreed that we need to divorce and wishes me well. Before I bring my bf to any function, she asked me to meet him ahead of time. She has purchased a condo and is moving on with her life. I hope she finds a good man to give her the happiness she deserves. If she needs anything, she contacts me, usually via text but also by occasional phone calls. Our goal is to be friends in the future.

My friend, you need to realize that by coming out to your wife, you have hurt her. It's inevitable. By coming out both you and I turned many of our wife's beautiful memories to ash and we ruined their dreams of the future. But what was the alternative? To live a fake, shadowy life? That wouldn't be fair either, to them or us. It's better to be truthful and honest. Thankfully, wounds heal. Time helps in that and provides prospective. Your wife will get through this and so will you. It will be difficult. My wife and I planned for 6 months before separating. Now we are beginning our new lives, both of which are authentic. You and your wife can do the same. Feel free to contact me if you need to talk. Stay strong!

 

I could never live in a mixed marriage now. After 2 1/2 years living as an openly gay man in a same sex relationship it would not be possible. Wouldn’t have the interest in trying to make it work. I am not even sure when I was still in hetero relationship as I was embracing my homosexuality that I would have been interested. Not saying that these relationships don’t work but I think they are few and far between. I firmly believe that once you embrace your gay sexuality it is impossible to truly be happy unless you live that way. Just my opinion however.

 

It's hard because you lose the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with, so of course it's going to hurt a lot even if they are not the sex that we are inherently attracted to. Not to mention when you throw the age thing in (I'm guessing we're all around 30 years of age or older who post this part of the forum.), it feels doubly lonesome because it's not like we can just up and grab a new date from one of our classes like in high school. People are growing up, getting settled down themselves, getting married, having kids, etc.. and you're back out there starting from scratch. I get that. It's terrifying.

But... I think it's worth it. You'll find someone who actually is right for you. You'll find new things about yourself upon coming out of the closet that you probably never would have figured out if you stayed in it. Like me, for example: If I'd stayed so closeted and scared of everything, I never would've gotten my drivers license at the late age of 27. I know, kinda weird and maybe underwhelming to celebrate, but for me? That's huge. I'm gaining a lot of bravery in myself and in my place in the world now that I'm realizing what I've tried to suppress for so long.

In time, things will get easier. You will face bumps and fall into deep valleys, but... It'll all make sense someday. I'm still waiting for that day, but I know it's just right around the corner for me. You got this!