Want her to know the real me... but scared to go there

I wish I could give you some advice but I am just getting ready to come out to my ex-wife and adult children. My ex and I have a wonderful relationship even though we have been separated for almost six years. We still own a business together and our lawyers have ironed out the finances involved. She, however; manages the business and I'm retired and draw a salary to augment my retirement income. I don't want things to become contentious between us. I'm not as worried about the kids even though my son-in-law is a minister. Ok, maybe some slight concern. Just think through all the possible outcomes and decide that if the worst thing happens, what will your life look like? Is it worth it to you? In my situation, I live in a different town and am living as an out gay man. I'm afraid that they will find out, the world is getting smaller. I would rather they heard it from me.

 

Hi! Sorry that you’re going trough this, but it’s how it often goes for many a queer person, if not most.

Aside from what @quebec said, I’ll add that your fear of breaking up is understandable and relatable, but it’s a risk you will have to take if you are to be to use authentic self openly.

You can just leave it all as it is right now - no shame in that. But the odds are that these feelings, they won’t go away. They might ebb and tide, or subside completely only to resurface later with a vengeance… But it is a part of yourself that will be there, it is something you can neither remove or escape from. Maybe it won’t bother you much, maybe it will be plenty of suffering, only time could show.

Or you could take the risk and come out to her, as daunting as it is. How will she react? There is no way to tell for sure in advance, albeit considering that she is an ally, it’s likely her reaction won’t be strongly negative, but as Quebec has mentioned, she will probably have questions and she will need the time to come to terms with the news. Even if her I initial reaction is strongly negative, it might not necessarily mean that things went sour. There are multiple people on this forum who have faced similar challenges and now live successfully in mixed-orientation marriages, so one thing for sure, there is hope.

If or when you come out, just try to do it in a calm and collected manner, giving her time and space to process the news at her own pace. If possible, try to be supportive and show your appreciation towards her; that you’re coming out now doesn’t change anything that has been between you up to that moment, you’re both still the same people who you were before and it’s something both of you should remember trough this journey.

Best of luck to you!

 

Coming out to my wife was the hardest thing I feel like crap that I came out in the middle of our marriage and not while we were dating or even first got married but im out and accepted by her my best advice is to come out in your own time when you are ready !

 

I am in the same situation but can't give you any advice because I am not out to my husband. These days I avoid any hint that I am gay around him because I don't want him to suspect that I am looking for a girlfriend and may have to pretend that she is just a friend.
When you start looking, be prepared that a lot of potential lovers will not be able to handle the fact that you are married. That is what I have encountered. My husband suspects I am gay based on what I told him before I started looking. He is the sweetest guy I know, which of course makes my situation harder. He has told me it is OK if I just have sex with a woman, no emotional commitment, but that is not me.
I am looking for a relationship, not a sexual experiment. So right now I am just not talking about it at all. I am pretending I am perfectly straight. I am good at that because I was in the closet for years. You will find there are many people on this forum, male and female who are in the same boat. On this site, we can all help each other to talk it and figure it out.

 

I am a closet bisexual and will start therapy in a few weeks to figure things out. I will have to come out to wife at some point. I don’t know how she will react but I know I love her with all my heart and want to keep our marriage together. I know I am sooooo scared to tell her and our adult kids.

 

I know you can it it was hard for me to come out to my wife

 

I am going through a similar situation. I agree completely that coming out is a matter of choice and cannot be rushed. My life would have been completely different if I had come out sooner but I have no regrets because I was not ready to come out before, so would not have been a good partner for anyone. I love my husband and that motivates me to only do what won't hurt him, so I think it is definitely better to start from a place of love, as you said. I would hate to be in a bad marriage and at the same time have to deal with what I am going through.

 

I am drunk on a NYE and love myself the way o am. I am bisexual and own it. I am a sissy and own it. I am femme own it.

Happy New Year everyone.
I love u all….

 

Own in Sweetie

 

I don’t have any advice just my own story. And it really is similar to yours. I was so scared of coming out to my wife that I practiced what I was going to say, over and over. I wanted to be truely honest for once and share my feelings. I knew once I came out there was no retraction, and so I doubted my sexuality again and again, maybe I wasn’t really into guys I asked myself. But I knew deep down who I was attracted to, I was sexually attracted to men, I love men. I wanted, needed to be able to say this out loud, I wanted to stop pretending I was attracted to women. So I took a deep breath one evening and just said ‘I have something to say, I want to tell you that I’m attracted to other men, I thought my feelings would go away but I really like men’. I’m so glad I did, my wife has been so supportive and understanding. She is a fan of the queer community. I now I’m very lucky to have a wonderful lady like her. She said if I meet a guy she will support and encourage the relationship. Unfortunately it has taken this long in my life to finally admit and come out to myself that I’m gay. I wish you all the best and hope it all goes well. My journey is just beginning too.

Take care and be safe x

 

I went to 1st therapist session today.

It was difficult to get started but he made me feel very comfortable with my issue and by the end I was a lot less comfortable.

I have another session in two weeks to continue chat. He took a lot of notes. We talked about my whole family and I brought up a lot of sensitive memories. I choked up at times.

At next session I need to get some coping tools to help both myself and my wife.

 

Ty David. My only concern is that I think my wife thinks it will deal with my CD. She doesn’t want to address the fact that I might be bisexual which would be difficult for her to deal with.