Son came out

Welcome to EC!

I want to tell you that I think you've handled your sons coming out to you very well. For him to tell you at 15 shows a lot of trust and it sounds like you said all the right things. I know other people have said this already but I'll echo it and say that 15 is not too young to know. And I don't think anyone comes out to their parents until they are absolutely sure. In my opinion parents are the hardest people to come out to. So he's off to a good start in terms of accepting who he is.

As far as the, "maybe he's confused" comment, that's wishful thinking. Kids know when they tell their parents. For gays, it can be upsetting to hear that because that statement invalidates how we feel and what we know is true. And for many of us it has been said to us in an angry tone by people we were close to. I'm glad you didn't say it to your son. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps us to hear things from a parents perspective. It helps us all to understand each other. I respect you for accepting your son and wanting to help him through this.

I want to recommend a book called, "Is It a Choice?" by Eric Marcus. It answers a lot of frequently asked questions about gays and there is a chapter in it for parents. I also want to recommend that you find a support group for your son. If he can meet other kids who are like him he'll feel less alone in the world and he'll be better able to handle any adversity he may face.

Good luck! And let us know how things are going. We love hearing updates.

 

Blueberrymuffin's post was very insensitive, but I think I understand what he was getting at. It is a different day and age. Yes, being gay is probably more difficult, in a sense, than being straight. He probably will face some discrimination. But young people today are extremely accepting of the LGBT community. And I can almost guarantee you that he will be happier and more comfortable being gay and true to himself than living a lie.

The point is, your son being gay is nothing to worry or stress too much about.

 

You currently find yourself in a complicated situation. You have to consider what is best for your son while managing how he feels, and at the same time you have to balance that with the feelings of your wife. ...and that still doesn't take into account your own emotional state.

It feels difficult and confusing right now, but in time (sooner rather than later) things will start to settle back into place. It might feel like the world has just been turned upside down, but that's just our heads trying to wrap themselves around the new information we've just learned. These are common, natural, and normal feelings we all have when we experience any type of shocking news about ourselves or someone close to us that we love.

I suggest that you sit down with your wife and try to get on the same page about how you want to move forward. You're obviously in a better place emotionally and mentally than she is to make the decisions, but you don't want to have her feel like she's lost complete control over the situation. You want to make decisions together.

My primary concern is that at some point, likely sooner rather than later, she's going to leave denial behind. As you're trying to create an accepting and loving environment at home for your son, you run the risk of earning her ire when she ultimately hits the anger phase. It could turn into a situation where she sees you as "encouraging him" when she believes you both should be trying to "cure" and "save" him.

You're going to want to be careful about who she turns to for support outside of the family. You don't want her turning to the wrong people who are going to perpetuate false hope that he can somehow change or be "cured". This is particularly cruel to her because it leads her on with a sense of false hope, instead of helping her come to terms with reality as it actually exists. That reality is that her son is gay, and that isn't going to change. The only good outcome for everyone in this situation is to find a way to move toward acceptance.

So, I encourage you to have that serious conversation with your wife on how you both move forward together to deal with this situation. Try to get on the same page. One avenue I'd approach is seeking support from other parents who've gone through this already. They've been in your shoes, shared your experience, and they've come out on the other side. Look for a local chapter of PFLAG or some other LGBT organization.

Another option you have is getting some therapy for both yourself and your wife. You can look for an LGBT supportive therapist who may have experience in this area. They can provide a solid neutral and objective voice of reason, and they can help you and your wife deal with the emotional issues you face as well what to do moving forward.

Once you and your wife are on the same page about your next move, I'd speak to your son again. Appearances can be deceiving. I can think of a hundred different things that are likely going through his mind right now, and none of them are good. He's caught her crying, she's been acting cold toward him, he's picking up on all of this and internalizing it.

I think it's alluring to remain silent and let things "return to normal". ...because let's face it, that's really what we all want in these types of situations. We want things to return to normal, and if everyone just acts like they did before as if nothing happened - then maybe... just maybe... that can be achieved.

The reality is that what's going to happen is that your son is going to go back into the closet. He's going to keep on pretending that things are normal. If things start going bad, or he's experiencing issues as a result of being gay - he isn't going to come to you. Whether that's bullying at school, or the fact that he's entering into romantic relationships, etc.

It's very easy to just not talk about it, but this is probably one of the worst decisions that you could make... because you need to talk about it. No, things aren't ideal right now, and it might involve talking about issues that you wish you didn't have to - such as where his mother is currently emotionally. However, in the end what's important is that everyone ends up on the same page and understands that there is love in the family, and that in the end everything is going to be okay.

If you have to talk to him about his mother, and you very well might have too, I'd simply be honest but try to keep things in perspective. I'd start out by talking about how neither of you suspected that he might be gay, and that the news was shocking. I'd talk about how you both are still processing it, but want to emphasize again that you love and accept him unconditionally. However, his mother is playing emotional catch-up right now. He's had at least a couple of years to sort through his feelings, and right now she's trying to sort through hers. The ultimate goal is to get to a place of total acceptance, and that you want to do this together as a family.

I would emphasize again and again how important it is for you to know that he feels comfortable coming to you to talk about anything. The importance of him coming to you and being honest about how he feels, and the importance of him feeling that he doesn't have to be ashamed or hide anything from you.

You can actually see this as an opportunity to build an even closer relationship with your son. One that is actually built on trust, honesty, and openness. You could actually come out of this situation with a stronger relationship with him than before you went into it.

I hope this helps. (*hug*)

 

First of all, I just want to say that you must be an amazing parent to him for him to feel safe enough to share that with you. For instance, I know my parents wouldn't care if I were gay, but even so I haven't said anything to either of them because I don't feel close enough to them. Also, I'm not 100% sure about myself, which brings me to my next point. If he told you he's sure, odds are he is SURE. He wouldn't risk coming out and then later finding out he was straight... having said that, I do know of people who were openly sure they were gay until they met a girl and found out otherwise... but those are only a few cases, so you should definitely not expect that to happen, and certainly don't argue with him. Just continue to be supportive of him

You don't need to go REALLY easy on him (like letting him off chores and things like that), but it's definitely good to make sure he continues to feel safe around you.

Just reading about his mother's reaction. I can't stress enough how it is CRUCIAL that he does not hear those things from her. If he is made to believe that his mother no longer respects him and thinks he is "ill", things could go very badly. I think you're going to have to help her accept this and learn to love him for who he is. After all, he is still the same human being that she presumably loved as her son.

But you are being an amazing father right now.
He is a very lucky kid
Good luck!

 

That you have to manage all at once your own feelings, those of your wife, and of course those of your son appears to be a huge and fragile burden!

I don't blame you for sharing with your close friends (who I am sure understand the need for discretion), you need support where you can get it! Some marital counselling would not be a bad idea, I fear that this could escalate into a wedge issue between you and your wife if your opinions on this diverge too greatly, so tread carefully.

It is excellent that you are seeking our opinions, varied as they may be. Keep posting, this will help you and your family.

 

I don't think it bad that you shared with a couple of close friends. If they are not going to out him and are support for you, then you should be free to talk about it with them. It's true that being outed sucks and a lot of us on here have had that experience or will have that experience, but at the same time, when he came out to you, that became part of your story, and you have the right to share your story. There is a fine line though. Be careful with what and how you share. Let others know that you want him to come out to people on his own timing.

I think you sound like a great dad, and it sounds like you did a great job when your son came out. When I came out to my parents, they also assumed that because I wasn't bringing it up, that they shouldn't talk about it. But, they used to ask me about girls and they ask my brother about girls. So, I would say, as you get further along into this process of acceptance, don't be afraid of bringing it up casually when it is just you and him or with people you know he has already told. Asking about guys can be a way to show him that you support him.

You don't want him to feel like he had "The Conversation" and now, he should pretend like he never did. Go at his pace and don't be afraid to ask if there are any guys at school that he has a crush on or things like that. If you want to be his best friend, you should hear about his life. It really does sound like you are doing really well in the midst of, what I know, must be a difficult time.

I hope to hear more about your son in the future. Maybe he will join EC.

 

Hi there. I don't really have anything to add, I just wanted to drop in and thank you for being such a supportive parent to your son. And for being this concerned for his future/well-being. It's especially nice to see in a world where caring for children seems more like a joke than a serious matter. We definitely need more parents like you, who love their children unconditionally.

 

Being a parent is the hardest job I have ever had to do. It is a job that will last for the rest of my life. Your son is to be applauded and loved just like you would do if this change in status did not happen. I know if my son or daughter told me they were gay I would not stop loving them or turn them away. Parents that do that are really not parents at all just play actors. Announcements like that either will split a family or make them draw closer together. You have done just what I would have done.

Now in my case if I told my parents I am not sure how they would react. They came from a generation that being gay was looked upon as a sickness and curing it was what had to be done. I just wonder how that would have gone.

 

I think thats a parent has a right to work through their feelings because i am sure its as confusing for them as for a gay child.

You seem to have handled it well and didnt react badly so really nobody should judge you for trying to work through your own fears/worries etc. Th e fact that you are trying already makes you a really loving parent that many gay people wish they had.

Take your time and also appreciate that your son was honest enough and trusts you enough to have come out so soon. There will be less lies and stress for everybody this way.

Perhaps he is at a confusing age and i am sure some people change over time, but i dont think it would be healthy for you or him if you cling onto those hopes. Accept and love him for his strong self and as he works through his feelings and identity.

All the best on your journey

 

My boyfriend's mom went through the exact same thing. When we came out to his parents two years ago that not only is their son gay, but he's actually in a relationship with another guy, his mom let out a blood-curdling scream and talked about him in the past tense. She reacted more like a mother would if she found out her son was dead, not that he's gay. His dad was and still is awesome. He put his arm around his only child and told him how proud he was of his courage and how much he loved him and how proud he was that he found love at such a young age. Mom ran off into the bedroom and sobbed into her pillow for quite some time.

That was 2011. Today, I think she's finally come around. We got a huge snowstorm last weekend and when we took the train back from college, they couldn't get over to the train station to pick him up, so he went home with me. When I went over there the next morning, she hugged me with a smile and wanted to catch up. Before, she would just look at me like I was from Mars or something. I think that once her son left for college, she went through a bit of a reflection period and he told me on the phone last night that she's been asking about me in a positive manner and that she's finally showing him the unconditional love she did before she found out.

Just give her time and I promise you she'll come around. I would find a support group like PFLAG (Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays), which is an American organization. She'll come around.

 

I came out to my parents when I was 15 and there's nothing I regret more. I was devastated by their reaction. By your wife acting coldly towards him she's showing him that she doesn't love him unconditionally and she thinks less of him now that she knows he's gay. This was probably his greatest fear in telling you. I get it that this is new information and she needs time to process it but she needs to consider how she is affecting him. If she doesn't get over it he will move forward thinking there is something really wrong with him. In the 3 years I lived with my parents after telling them they did not get over it. I went back into the closet and am now living a "straight" life. I'm not close to my parents because of this. They betrayed my trust and I'll never open up to them about anything ever again. We only talk about the weather and all sorts of mundane, shallow topics. They probably think I'm really boring!

It's not a given that she'll reach the point of accepting him in the years before he moves out. She needs to talk to someone about this. It isn't healthy for her to keep it all in. If she tries she'll probably end up lashing out at him (or you) in small and random ways. Therapy could really be helpful. If she's reluctant to go maybe you could start therapy and ask her to join you once you've found someone you're comfortable with. Remind her that therapy is confidential and if you find a therapist who specializes in gay issues they can offer you some really good advice. Or you can just vent if you need to. And that can be helpful too.

 

This is really good advice. You could tell your wife that you need to get professional help and advice on what to do, and start going on your own. Having a professional there to give you support and advice during this time would prove amazingly helpful. Finally, as she starts to get better, you can invite her to join you.

 

I don't have anything constructive to add but I'd just like to say that you seem to be a great dad

 

first, welcome to EC! it was great that you showed love and support to him when he came out. if he has known for a few years then i doubt it is a phase. 15/16/17 is around the age when most of teenagers decide to come out. i was around 12 when i began to question my sexuality and now a couple of years later i am sure of it. if you continue to love and support him he will do just fine

 

Seconded apart from being upset with the first sentence

 

Only read the first few messages but you sound like you're being really supportive and letting him feel accepted. I'm 15 and came out just over 2 months ago to my parents, they told me they think its a phase and basically that they don't accept me for who I am. That really hurts me and has made my life very hard so not mentioning any phase thoughts to him upon his coming out is a very good thing

 

Bravo! - Continue to be there for your boy.. Based solely on what you've written - I can tell you you've done 'brilliantly'! indeed. your son knows you love him, and that he is ok (in your eyes), and his worst fears were proven false! (that's big) - you have no idea of the immense value of those things when you're a gay boy coming out to his parents! ... Just love him like you do! (you're in for an education, but I suspect you know that) ... the world is changing so much for the better - his is a better world than mine was at 15 that's for sure! (Thanks for being a good parent to your gay son! it means more than you know).

 

Hello and Welcome!

It's perfectly normal that you wonder if he is confused. Most of us would probably tell you that we were not that sure at first, either. I will tell you honestly, I wondered for a long time if I were truly a lesbian, because I dated men and had sex with them. Your son has been thinking for a while before he has come out to you, so he is fairly certain that he is not straight.

Sure 15 is a time of confusion and hormonal changes, but he obviously felt that he is not straight, and don't be confused by him dating a girl in his past. He probably did care for her or even love her, but as an adult, you know there are many types of love. He may have realized that he did not love her as a partner, but as a sister, or a friend, and that could have been part of his pain. It hurts to know you can't love someone the way they deserve, when they love you.

Your reaction to all of this is understandable and to be expected. Don't let anyone tell you that your feelings are to be ashamed of, or are wrong to feel. You are worried and concerned that he will be in for a world of hurt, but things are different now. They are more accepting. You also will learn to be more comfortable with his revelation. Just give yourself some time to accept and realize that this is perfectly ok to feel these emotions. Remember, it also takes us some time to accept ourselves.

I would recomend PFLAG, they will help you and support you. You can look up a local chapter that is close by.

Keep us posted.