I'll never love her, but I can't get my mind off her

Hi, I'm wondering if anyone would be willing to talk to me about a crush...

Here is a bit of backstory to how this girl was the one that made me question my sexuality:
https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/8-years-later-and-still-questioning.490331/

Basically I had a crush on a girl from middle school a while ago (I'm post-undergrad now). In middle school and high school it never went anywhere as I was in a straight relationship with a guy for many years, but recently in the past few months (I have been single since the middle of last year) we have reconnected and old feelings came back.

However, after going on a few dates with her, I got to know her better and we've had a couple intimate experiences (one actually involving sex). From getting to know her I knew this could never get serious enough to become a relationship, because I wasn't attracted to her enough emotionally/mentally; there were too many things that didn't align with what I look for in a future partner, and too many relationship red flags for me. I couldn't see myself truly loving her or wanting to move in together or get married. But my surface level feelings for her and attraction to her appearance, her voice, the way she carried herself were, and still are, extremely strong. I wanted so badly to kiss, makeout, and sleep with her, so I guessed that I was just experiencing a lot of lust. Yet I also wanted to do more relationship-but-still-surface-level things, like spend time together doing something fun, cuddle together, etc. And I think she's really cute still. It would be impossible for me to forget about her.

So I wanted to keep dating casually and maybe do some of these things without it ever getting serious. The thing was: I didn't parse all of this out and process my feelings and what I wanted from this until after we had had sex. And that's important because she saw it as a much more serious thing that hinted at becoming a relationship while I saw it as casual fun.

She ended up taking that experience differently than I did and got hurt when I was not wanting to take it any further. Oblivious this whole time, I finally realized that she actually liked me a lot more than I knew, and I knew I had to put a stop to this momentum or it would just get worse and I didn't want to lead her on. I felt awful about the damage I had already dealt unknowingly. I talked to my mom and she confirmed what I knew I had to do and she felt very strong about it which put more pressure on me. So I told the girl we should just be friends and how I didn't realize she actually liked me until after we had already done something very intimate.

I was half-hoping we would lose contact and she wouldn't want anything more to do with me, that way we could just move on, since I also had to get over my surface level feelings of a crush or lust or whatever they were. And we weren't in contact for a very short time, just to give each other space. But she took my suggestion of friendship seriously and was wanting to hang out again and text me and do stuff together very soon afterwards. Even though I wasn't expecting her to want to start things up again full-force, I missed her a lot too and couldn't say no.

Now, we've been texting pretty frequently and have been hanging out just as platonic friends, but I still feel a sexual tension between us and none of my feelings have gone away, if anything they've gotten stronger. I think about her all the time and I worry I have become obsessive about her. Any time I fantasize, it's about her and I guess this is what being sexually frustrated is like? I even get jealous when I think of her dating someone else. But I know I can't act on these feelings or reignite our dating life or it would be leading her on since she actually has emotional feelings for me and I don't have a lot for her. And I would hate myself for doing that to her. I really don't want to hurt anyone. So I feel as if I am repressing my feelings and she's also repressing hers, and we're both just pretending we're happy being platonic even though we can't help but flirt with each other and stay in contact. I would love to be fwb but I know that would make her feel terrible because in the past she has explained to me how all her past flings got her hopes up because she thought they actually wanted a relationship when all they wanted to do was have fun, and I really don't want to repeat that for her and be a jerk... but I also feel like she's teasing me by frequently maintaining contact, whether intentionally or not.

I have also initially talked about dating this girl to my friends and family but once I told them I broke romantic possibilities off, I haven't really updated them on my current feelings and how we've reconnected again. I feel like I can't talk to them because my mom already got upset that I started hanging out with this girl again after "breaking up" with her, and I know her stance on people who do fwb... it's not good. (My mom isn't homophobic, she just thinks this girl really isn't a good match for me, and that I need to cut her out of my life, which I agree with her but I can't manage to cut her out of my life because I feel addicted to her.) And I feel like I can't talk to my friends because they are not the sexual type at all and would look down on me for explaining my feelings of lust (one is actually asexual as well). And I cannot afford a therapist right now. So, if you have read all of this or even part of it, thank you for letting me vent my soap opera. I know this is probably the most generic story ever but I have never been in this situation before and really am at a loss for what to do since my emotions are getting in the way... (so sorry for the cringey thread too.)

From an outsider's point of view, what do you think I should do? Is it wrong to have these feelings or to want to maintain contact purely based off a crush that wouldn't go anywhere? Should I just suck it up and remain perpetually frustrated?

 

Yes, it has helped me a little bit to get it off my chest. Thank you for reading Silverhalo! I just feel so stuck.

For the past couple days I've been thinking over what I would most like as we move forward, but I feel so torn between my options that I really am struggling to pick what to do. I guess in my heart I really would like to just tell her the truth because I know she feels similarly and I want us to get back together so badly, but I know in my head logically that this can't end well and that I'd just be opening a can of worms.