I wish I was cute

Oh I usually don't pay attention to the pictures just the text. I just noticed the op doesnt even have a pcture.

 

Well that's too bad that you feel that way.

 

why are you thinking that you're not good enough for people based on appearance? you have to have internal qualities that attract people too.

there are thread times to time that people post about how they would prefer someone with an attractive personality than someone with good appearance if the personality is bad.

 

so far you've only been talking about shallow people who date based on appearance. stop beating yourself, there are other kinds of people in this world.

 

Hi I already put the money where my mouth is and I got totally shot down.

 

If I were to see a picture of you I bet you that I would see that you are cute. And I am not just saying that because I'm nice, it's true. And besides it's not what's on the outside that counts, it's all what's in the heart.

 

Hi there DRN94,

First, I just want to say that your feelings are totally legitimate. It's very painful to feel unattractive, and those feelings quite easily spill over into our whole sense of self-worth because we've been indoctrinated for our whole lives with the idea that we aren't worthwhile human beings unless others show romantic/sexual interest in us. It really sucks sometimes (or alltimes). Hugs for you. (*hug*)

Now hear me out: I think you should at least give counseling a try. You said that you have no desire to have a therapist try to convince you against the truth, but therapy doesn't really work like that. You don't really change yourself and your circumstances. Instead, you change how you relate to those circumstances and the behaviors that arise from that negative relationship. The problem is not that you're ugly, the problem is all the suffering that's coming from your negativity surrounding it. They would help more with the "I can't look at pretty people without feeling enraged and sad" and toning down the negative self-talk parts. It's totally cool to decide that therapy is not for you, but I would encourage you to try at least a few sessions if only because it's obviously very painful for you to hold all of this in.

Let me ask you a question: let's say your fear comes true and you end up spending life alone. Let's say it's 100% certain that you will not find a partner. What happens then? Do you just succumb to despair? Or is there something else that makes life worth living even a little bit for you? I ask this not because I think it's impossible for you to find love, but because I think that right now you need to re-focus things on the person who really matters: you! No matter what happens, boyfriend or not, you'll already be spending the rest of your life with yourself. It's a very worthwhile investment to make this relationship your primary focus.

We get one life and one body. Make no apologies for yourself as you are. If you approach the world feeling like everyone has already rejected you, that simply won't do. Sure, you'll definitely be working with a smaller dating pool if you're not normatively attractive. People can be really mean and really arbitrary. But guess what? You get to mean and arbitrary too! Focus on what you want and whether you enjoy and are attracted to the people you're around, because you can't control how other people are going to react to you. And if the people you want reject you, then that sucks for sure. But sexual/romantic relationships are not the be-all end-all of human existence.

Besides, I think we tend to put too much emphasis on physical attraction (which is important, to be sure) at the expense of kicking ass. What do you kick ass at, DRN? If you don't currently kick ass at anything, what would you like to kick ass at or see yourself potentially kicking ass at? Do those things, and find venues to display those things and interact with other people who are interested in that thing.

Some anecdata: there was this guy that I did a musical with. At the beginning, I wouldn't have given him a second thought in terms of sex/romance just purely based on how he looked. But then he opened up his mouth and out came a beautiful singing voice and then suddenly I had a strange desire to fuck his brains out. There was another guy that I lived near for two years who had never come on my radar. One day I happened to strike up a conversation with him and when I found out that he hated the musical Carousel as much as I do, I became a lot more interested in him and eventually became totally infatuated with him.

I want to leave you with one last exercise to try. Imagine that you had a boyfriend, and he threw himself into your arms weeping because he's unattractive. Even if he were truly ugly, you would humor him and tell him some things that you find attractive about him. Or if you didn't feel like lying, you would at least tell him not to be so down on himself. So, when these feelings come up, be your own boyfriend! If possible, tell your boyfriend-self all the things you like about him, or even all the things that are just neutral. Maybe he has perfectly adequate elbows. Maybe you admire the fact that his legs keep him moving. Maybe you can tell him that his eyes give him the awesome ability to see even they're not pretty. Take walks with him. Have hot sex with him. This is going to sound totally weird, but when I was using this exercise to help myself get over some post-eating disorder body image issues, I would give myself a firm slap on the ass in the morning whenever I left for work/school to remind myself whose property I was

I can't promise that anyone will find you attractive. Life guarantees a partner to no one, attractive or not. Try not to romanticize the lives of attractive people. The next time you see a hot guy and start to feel awful about yourself, remember that he poops, farts, burps, and maybe even picks his nose like the rest of the human race.

TL;DR: Be compassionate and kind to yourself, no matter what you look like. Try out counseling. Try not to invest so much of your happiness in the idea of a romantic relationship.

And vent as much as you need to (*hug*)

 

Well said.

 

I'll say a couple of things here...A. Why is it that you are only willing to date an attractive guy? I just find that hypocritical that you are upset at them for not dating you , when all you've talked about wanting in a boyfriend is looks....

B. You should put a pic in your profile (if you are comfortable with that) I bet you are a lot more attractive then you are giving yourself credit for and it might help to hear what some people on here have to say since we are often our own worst critic.

C. Confidence is SEXY! Confidence is sexyier then any look someone could have, I would be willing to bet that the guy who talked about not dating guys based on looks danced around going out with you not because of your looks but, because he found your insecurity unattractive...

Now I hope this wasn't too blunt or mean, I wanted to give you the honest trust from my point of view without a sugar coating because I really want to help you...mostly because I felt exactly like you did at that age. I thought I was the ugliest guy on the planet and no one would ever want me....it took my years to figure out that the only person who thought I was ugly was me....and I'd hate to see you suffer as long as I did.

 

Some very good points, and nicely stated.

You have to remember that everyone has insecurities and things that they believe make them unworthy of other people. You have to take control and not let these negative feelings completely dominate your life. The first step, as other posters have mentioned, is that you need to work on loving yourself for who you are. If you can't even love yourself, how is another person going to be capable of loving you? And I know that that's not an easy thing to do and that it is going to take a good amount of effort to work on your self-esteem and self-image, but it is an essential thing that needs to be done if you are going to move forward in a positive manner. At the same time, you also need to realize that while relationships with people can be nice, they are not the only thing in life. There's your academics for starters. If you are having issues with finding a boyfriend and aren't hanging out with friends much, you can focus on your studies and preparing nicely for what career you want in life. Putting in effort there can help reward you later on. You also mentioned that you do not have many friends. Maybe, instead of trying to find a relationship, you can work on trying be friends with more people first. Try joining a club or an activity that you like, and that way you could meet people with common interests as you. And by meeting and socializing with more people, you are increasing your chances of meeting someone you could potentially be in a relationship with.

Honestly though, the first step is to not be so hard on yourself. Everyone has faults and many people (myself included) have low self-esteem. You just can't let it dictate your life.

 

with that thought pattern, no you may not. work on your self esteem/confidence, it will do wonders for you. happiest people are the prettiest.

you have to believe that you are at least worthy of something in life otherwise negativity gets tiring quickly and will push people away. people have complimented you and you have shot them down, try to take a compliment, pretty sure a lot of people find it awkward and feel like they have to put themselves down if they are complimented, you dont you can just say oh thanks, its not being rude at all.

you might not think you are perfect but someone will think youre the perfect person for them. have hope dont give up. if you are a nice person inside people will see that, thats what matters the most unless you date someone who is shallow, but dating for looks dont really last in a relationship anyways its how you connect/get on/whats inside. beauty is in the eye of the beholder, if we all thought x type of person was attractive many many many people in the world wouldnt have ever dated/be married e.t.c

have a hug. (*hug*)

 

Unless you have some sort of major deformity, there will always be someone less attractive than you. If you do have a deformity, then you can probably get surgery to fix it. I understand how you feel, but being attractive isn't everything. I'm sure there are other good aspects to you other than just your appearance, you have a job that pays well, friends, ect. So what if you don't have a bf, there are other things in life that make it worth living, and if you focus on what you have rather than what you don't you will feel happier about yourself. Maybe someday you will find someone that loves you as much as you love them, but until you do, worrying about it won't help anything.

 

I would just like to point out that at 18 you really shouldn't already be assuming to know what you're going to look like in your 30's and past. People's looks change gradually over time as they mature. Sorry to say it, but...you're 18, you're not done blossoming.

In fact, just the other night I was showing an EC friend pictures of my uni friend. At 18, he was nothing handsome to look at. He had this chubby baby face and nothing about him was very appealing. Not to me at least. It's been six years and I look at his pictures now and I'm just blown away. He has turned into quite the stunner. A handsome man that I would love to get my hands on.

And just to further my point, in case it makes any weird sense for anyone to counter it...he's gay as well. So it's not like it's some straight boy magic or anything.

 

Just to add onto what Romi said, I've been in a similar boat to that friend. At 18, I wasn't at all attractive. Like, even in an realistic sense, I was not attractive. But beyond that, my self-esteem was crap and I wholeheartedly believed I was unattractive in every sense. I came to university and things changed. My self-worth grew by being around people who I could call friends and being in a place that wasn't nearly as judgemental as high school is. 3 years later, I'm not drop-dead gorgeous or anything, and I'm still overweight and have quite a few flaws I'd like to fix (and plan on doing so), but I can at least see that I might be attractive to someone.

The last 6 or so posts have been really well said (as have most of the other people supporting you earlier), so I won't rehash what's already been mentioned. Partly because it would be redundant, and partly because you don't sound like you want to hear it.

I can't even pick one of the posts you've posted to quote because they all sound the same, so I'll address the generality of the situation. EC is a support site. We are here to be a shoulder to lean on when you need it. You can vent to us as much as you'd like. But if you're here and you're asking for help, shooting down every piece of advice because you're in a bad headspace isn't cool (understandable, but not cool). If you want advice, you need to come in with an open mind. Being upset is fine, but the awesome members of this community tend to not take well to propagating pity parties. We'd much rather help you out with whatever's making you down.

tl;dr - Nobody can help you if you don't want to help yourself, so give some serious thought towards what you want to change.

All that said, if you'd like to PM me to talk more because I've dealt a lot with self-esteem crap, you're more than welcome to.

EDIT: And I'm also half Korean/half Portuguese, so please don't use being of mixed races as justification for why you're unattractive.

 

tfw everything you've posted is exactly how i feel ;_;

& you're cute, idk what you're on abt

 

Well, you don't look even remotely close to as horrible as you were making yourself out to be, and I'm sure everyone who posted earlier will second that.

So what exactly is it that's got you so miserable that you want to change?