I wish I didn’t feel anything sexually

Hi Danielle, I'm glad you're finding some comfort in being your true self, albeit temporarily. I think you'll find it addictive!

This is so true. One of the things I'm trying to inculcate into my stepson (who's 17, so one year below you) is to not be afraid of failure. Being able to accept things going wrong and developing the ability to pick yourself off the ground, dust yourself down and get back up again is one of the most important life skills, I think.

You have a unique opportunity now to change the script and start on the road to being the woman you were meant to be. I'd encourage you to make an effort and get involved in university life. So what if you don't start to make friends immediately? Take it from me - I didn't begin to meet the people who would go on to become my friends until well into the second term.

Beth x

 

There will be spaces at uni where you can do that. All uni’s that I know of have mental health support which you should be able to access and I believe all also have LGBT support and that would be a space where you could come out regardless of whether those people are friends or not.
I’m not telling what you should do because the path you chose for coming out is very personal and only you should make those decisions. What I do know is that sometimes when we fear what we may lose by coming out, choosing someone who isn’t family or a long standing friend can actually be truly beneficial because what we have to lose becomes very small. I’m not saying that it is right for you, but I know from my own coming out, sometimes coming out to someone I didn’t know very well was easier.

 

You don’t have to apologise, I take no offence from you not wanting to follow through on suggestions made. Just occasionally someone will suggest something and you might think, ok, thats a possibility and then it’s worth it.
Why do you think you feel ok to come out to the therapist? I mean that’s a good thing, congratulations

 

ok so it’s purely the worry about rejection, that’s understandable. What about EC, what do you think makes you able to communicate with people on EC about it?

 

All totally understandable. Would you consider contacting a real life LGBT support group or centre? Perhaps not just rocking up in person but sending and email and just finding out what they have on offer? If there is nothing you fancy then you don’t have to take it any further than that. Perhaps just being able to put some feelers out there in environments like you say where people are almost certainly going to be accepting, might just make you feel like you had a bit more support and space to be yourself. Not to mention you might find other trans people who can totally understand what you are going through.

I agree anonymity can definitely bring an element of security, it certainly helped me when I was first on here and coming out. For sure, if you put ever become a full member you are more than welcome to send me a PM.

 

I totally get how daunting that all sounds. I’m not good at doing those things either, I’m much better now than I was when I was your age so I am sure it will get better. Sometimes setting a task like sending an email can make you feel good when you manage to do it, even if sending that email doesn’t lead to anything else.
How do you travel to uni?

 

I can totally sympathise but you managed it right? How many days have you travelled into uni? You should be really proud of yourself.

 

Is there an app you can use for transit? Have that charged up with money and practice using it so it's routine and you won't stress. If that's not how it works I hope you get faster at buying a ticket the more you do it. How about anti-anxiety meds? I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this and hope something helps. The sooner you can work on mental health issues, the less damage done and less to repair in therapy and time.

 

Getting the app set up and practice can be an accomplishment to feel good about so just do it. I hope therapy will help, but the longer you are lonely the worse it will probably get for you and you will become a hermit. At least you are going to uni so you can get out with people and get help for anxiety to make the social connection you want. You can do it!!

 

You have to stop being so hard on yourself. So what if it took you 5 mins to buy the ticket, you stuck it out and you still managed even though it didn’t exactly go to plan. I can tell you, nobody in the queue behind you is still thinking about how long it took you to buy a ticket.
I think part of your problem is that the standards that you set for yourself are so high they are almost unattainable and the when you don’t reach the standards you have set you are disappointed in yourself and reinforce your thoughts that you are not good enough and can’t do things, rather than being proud of what you have achieved and that you made it to uni even though buying the ticket wasn’t perfect.

There has definitely been damage done but it can definitely be worked through with time and effort and the help of some therapy.

 

You self worth and mental state is what leads you to lack the motivation to do these small tasks, if you can work on your mental health your motivation will return.

For sure there are many people who don’t have an issue buying a bus ticket and have never considered that someone could find that difficult but there are also many people who find it hard. Perhaps one of those people who you were worried were judging you in the queue is also someone that finds it hard, the thing is, people try to hide their weaknesses. I can guarantee if you saw me get on the bus and ask for a ticket, on face value you would probably think it was nothing to me because in public I am almost always good at hiding it but that doesn’t mean it was easy. That also doesn’t even consider the people that didn’t even make it to the bus because even the thought of it was too hard and difficult.
We all have strengths and weaknesses, and sure right now because of where you are it is hard to see your strengths perhaps, but it doesn’t mean you don’t have them. Finding it hard to buy a bus ticket doesn’t make you a failure, however bad it felt or awkward it seemed, ultimately you achieved your goal, you caught the bus and got to uni. That is a success.