Fallen like a fool.

nikkigreen,

Oh boy do I wish I wasn't in a place to know what this feels like. It is hard, and unfortunately is all too common to have feelings that can't (or shouldn't) be returned. Still, my experience is different from yours, so please take this with a grain or three of salt. But I hope it helps.

I've found this advice to be helpful. This article and this one are a bit more technical and really really great in my opinion. You get the idea; there are many resources online like these for you to find. I suggest you take a little time to research this as a phenomenon like an analyst would.

We're conditioned in life to always think of others and to put others' feelings before our own. This isn't the time to do that. This is your time to think about what you need and to give yourself permission to be selfish - without your crush being a factor in any way. You can find happiness for yourself without her, and you owe it to yourself (at a minimum) to do so. Your action-reaction-action-reaction pattern with her is actually just a way of perpetuating the feeling of connection, and also a way of perpetuating the pain.

Perhaps you can learn about yourself in the process of understanding and then letting go. What is it exactly that draws you to her? What so compels you to feel that she fills this space in you, and what are those qualities that make her so amazing? Exactly what do you feel you want from her?

First, realize that no one is perfect and that because of your feelings you very likely have put her on a pedestal. You see her in a way that feels real to you because of your emotions, but you are not seeing her objectively. This doesn't mean that she isn't an amazing person full of good qualities, but she's no better than you. You don't need anything from her that you don't already have.

Second, what are your own amazing qualities? Go ahead, be selfish, be self-indulgent, and be vain. What's your awesomeness that only you can give someone else? Why are you also a great, great catch? If you can see that you have an amazing life and that you are treasure, then you won't desire external treasure. This means that you are able to make yourself happy rather than rely on the approval of someone else for your happiness.

I remember well (too well, even today) when I fell for a coworker in 1999-2000. Ironically he was the office homophobe until I (professionally, politely) asked him to "knock it off". After that we were inseparable. It all felt perfect because we had what I felt was "chemistry" - he was that very straight-acting guy that I always wanted approval from - not unlike the approval I missed from my father. But he was married to a woman, had one child, and was soon to have another.

To this day I believe that he's closeted and we did have some very real chemistry. But the head is also needed to live a good life, not just the heart. If he couldn't return my feelings, as much as it felt like he should, then that is the last word. "Could not" is actually synonymous with "would not" or "will not". If he says he's married and in love with a woman it's not my place to doubt him or second guess. In fact, that violates the sanctity of him as a human being.

It took me time to see that back then, and I went through a lot of heartache until I could see that in reality I was treating him as an object, not a human being. Both the head and the heart are needed for wisdom.

Looking back I was also lying to myself that nothing was wrong. After all, we didn't have sex, so there was no affair - right?

Wrong.

I gave up something equally precious as my body - I gave him my heart and my mind. Willingly. He never even asked or encouraged me. I was so convinced that I needed his approval or affection to validate me, and yet I gave up the very treasure that I desired. That's messed up, and that's why the heart can really make a fool of any of us.

That being said, be gentle with yourself and take extra good care of yourself. You haven't done anything "wrong" in my opinion, you just need to temper your heart with your head. Live in balance, not one way or another. In time you'll see that the real love you need was yours all along.

Much love,

Patrick

Seattle, WA

 

Its ok I remember being new even if it was a while ago.

Patrick made some interesting points, it wasn't really an angle I was coming at it from and I didnt get the impression that you thought the only way you could be happy was if she came running back to you, but if you are then my comment is go find some other girls haha.

I do understand it from her girlfriends point of view as well and whilst it is easy for us to see her as the bad guy in all of this im sure they are both partly at fault in their relationship if even just for not realising they would probably better happier apart.

 

No worries. Time is a great healer.

I cannot make you get over her quicker but if you need a distraction or a listening ear I am always here. I dont think you necessarily did anything wrong I mean perhaps you could have not said it the second time but then you wouldnt have been truthful. I dont think it is wrong to say it though I mean imagine if you hadnt said it and then regretted that forever.
I am a great believer that things and people happen for a reason, maybe once you are over her you will realise why she came into your life even though it was quite brief.

 

Haha or alternatively I dont mind an update where you tell me you have met a new even more amazing woman who is free and single......this would work for me

We all need people to talk to sometimes.

 

I am glad you are feeling better. Not too many work days left until Christmas.
Hopefully the more she sees you are being friendly but not seeking out interaction hopefully the sooner everything will settle down.

 

I'm so sorry to hear all of this!

I have exerienced a little bit of what your friend is feeling: not wanting to lose first love. I know it can be tough for a three ends: the couple, and the friend. Ahain, I'm sorry about this, and you are in my thoughts/prayers!

 

Absolutely and only she knows the truth. Haha just need to find that other girl now.

 

I guess maybe it takes a more normal situation for her to see it as normal. Time is a great healer. When did you come out to her?
On I side note I am intrigued as to why you said no? You don't have to say if you don't want to.

 

Yes maybe. I'm not sure she handled it as best she could but we humans don't always do we.
So have you dated recently? If I'm being too nosy feel free to tell me to shut up.

 

I have a long term girlfriend of 7 year so no need for dating

Not that you have to take my advise but as hard as it is I would suggest giving the girl wide berth, I feel like unless she comes to you saying that her and the girlfriend are over it isn't going to end well.

 

It sounds like a very wise choice and it's going to be a bit tough because it feels so right but it can't work as it is at the moment and it's not fair for her to pick you up and put you down as and when it suits her.

I actually met her on EC, not that EC is really a place for that and it certainly wasn't what I was looking for when I signed up or even when I started talking to her it just kind of happened. . I have a lot to thank EC for haha (!)