Coming Out to Wife advice

That's a great post, and has many wise observations. Although I did pretty much "drop the bomb" myself, I did attempt to drop many, many hints during the months before, and accept responsibility during the fallout. I suggested therapy to help her process my confession, but outside of a couple conversations with a neighbor who was a family therapist, she refused (probably because she had seen a counselor before due to anger issues, and has always refused to take responsibility for her part in any problem, ever).

I also took a deep breath and encouraged her to talk to her closest friends for support, because I knew she would feel this was somehow her fault, and she would go over it incessantly in her head. Therapy would have been a better option if she had been willing, because her two closest friends are bitches who badmouthed me and our kids to her for years. Even that was useful in an odd way, though, because they were so over the top that she eventually realized that I was a better friend to her than they were.

Finally, remember that if you and your wife have a relationship that you want to maintain, be respectful and kind and remember that you made a commitment to her that she will probably consider broken, so to be blunt, think with your brain and not your dick. If you have waited 30 or 40 or 50 years to be gay, a little longer won't kill you, and it may just maintain a friendship and shared history that you will be glad to have. My ex came with a ton of baggage that did a lot more to kill our marriage than my eye for the guy did, but we get along surprisingly well long distance, and if you have kids, the fact that you showed concern for their mother will go a long way to keep your relationship with them intact as well.

 

Great posts guys and GREAT advice. Not an easy situation for any of us.

 

I think that one of the most important things that @CameronBayArea and @Choirboy touched on was that the first thing many spouses will ask is "why tell me this now?". So, you should be prepared to answer that question as directly and honestly as you can. The next and followup question will be "what are your plans?"

I avoided answering both these questions because I knew ahead of time that my wife would ask them because of my help on this forum. Maybe even from @CameronBayArea since that was about the time I came out to my wife. I rehearsed a coming out conversation and wrote a letter to give her at the end of the conversation. I had also set aside an entire weekend where we could discuss this with no distractions. My goal was to save my marriage not dissolve it. So, my approach was different that many on this forum. But, my wife did have the same questions and concerns.

 

@Joolz66

This was my "coming out" thread to EC. Wow. Just noticed the date. 6 years ago yesterday.

https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/my-wife-knows-everything.434465/

 

Well said. So many of us sharing the same experience.

 

This is so true. It is totally unfair to allow her to think that the lack of intimacy is an inadequacy on her part. Your sexual identity has changed and you owe it to her to be honest. The consequences be dammed as you both have the right to live a life that fulfills all of your needs. Not being honest condemns both of you to prolonged misery. These are not easy matters to resolve but ones we later in life gays must face honestly and earnestly.

 

Alway appreciate your thoughts @Contented

 

@Joolz66

Your wife is likely concerned.

My wife was internalizing the problems in our marriage with me being secretive about my sexuality. At one point she asked if I was having an affair. While she was not faultless in the marriage, she still took on too much of the blame and was not provided a reason.

Every relationship is different. You have to honestly look at your marriage and decide for yourself what is thing to do. This involves coming to terms with the fear of what the disclosure will mean for not just your marriage but pretty much all aspects of your life.

Whatever is right for you, you will get through this.

 

@Joolz66 - Thank you for sharing this post. Yes, like many of the others who responded to this, I can definitely relate to the angst and fear of coming out to your wife and family and possibly upending the family. I may have missed it in one of the responses, but how did this work out for you?

 

thank you for sharing your journey with us. I know for myself it feels like one step forward, two steps back all the time with this.

 

@Joolz66 - I certainly understand your situation. I didn't know if I would ever come out to my wife either. But I do know that, as everyone has said on here, that you will proceed through this journey at your own pace. And I think it's great that you're feeling more accepting of yourself. I also have been feeling that way lately, and it is due in no small part to the support here on EC. Just one last thing: you might be surprised at your wife's reaction if you tell her what you're feeling. I know what's like to build up scenarios in your head of what her reaction will be. In my case, it was nothing like what I imagined it would be. There is a chance that it won't be as bad as you think.

 

I can totally relate to your feelings.

 

@Joolz66

I’m sure you have considered the ramifications of coming out to your wife. What are the biggest reasons for NOT coming out?

 

@Joolz66 - Trust me, I really know what you're going through with being afraid of upsetting the status quo. I was where you are for a very long time. (And I still have a long way to go) . I was thinking many of the same thoughts that you are. But, please consider that it might not be as bad as you think. And again, I hope you know that no one here is trying to push you into doing this. You need to do it in your own time. But we are all pulling for you! You are not alone! And what continues to get me through the days is the hope that I will come out of this on the other side happy and fulfilled (hopefully with a guy by my side) even if I don't know how to get there!