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My wife knows everything

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Nickw, May 22, 2016.

  1. Nickw

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    First, I want to thank all you guys for the inspiration, shoulder to cry on and sounding board for my thoughts. This forum has been amazing.

    Friday, my wife and I embarked a long weekend out. We stopped enroute and went for a long bike ride on our favorite trail. At the end of the ride I toasted my wife. "I am so happy I am married to someone I can do this sort of thing with" Her response was "I guess you decided to keep me"...heart in throat....

    We drove far back to a remote camp spot, I grilled some steaks, opened a merlot, sat watching the full moon rise over the desert. Then "I promised you I would tell you everything...I love you, want more than anything to stay married forever...but, I gotta tell you this...I almost cheated...didn't...I did not want to destroy our marriage...humiliate you...make you sick with something I caught...And, this was with a man"...

    She looked at me and started laughing! I had to explain I was serious. "I am bisexual...I'm serious". She replied "I'm O.K with that" I was sort of disappointed. Siennafire had warned me to have answers for every scenario...but, not this! I had my speech ready so I told her I had to tell her everything.

    So I did. I cried for a hour while she had her arm over me. "I didn't know what I was when I was a kid..I tried to hide it...so ashamed...so scared" I went on..."I broke of with Lisa because I was afraid of this". "I met you...sparks...sex...longing friendship" I sobbed "I thought you wouldn't love me so, I couldn't. tell. you. It was so good for awhile. Then less closeness, sex, you. I never fantasized about sex with anybody...ever...it was a sin. Then, I started when I was 40 or so because I was lonely. First, the only fantasy was you...how you would desire me...seduce me...it never happened. So, I started thinking of guys again...I liked it...I had always desired men...now I started fantasizing about them. I reached a comfort level. I could desire men and love you."

    "But, when I got hurt, I looked in the mirror and saw an old man. My wife doesn't want me and I am to old for...anybody. Except I wasn't. I met a younger woman. She flirted. A lot. But, I couldn't. Cheat. Then, the bartender. He propositioned me. I wanted it. A lot. Then that older woman. I wanted it. A lot. But, I couldn't. Cheat."

    "Then I got angry at you. Really angry. You took away sex with you, sex with women, sex with men."

    So, I told her about my CL flirting and almost encounter. How I got into therapy because I was so freaked out that I would do this to our marriage and to her. How, I wanted to make this work with her.

    She just looked at me and smiled. It's O.K. I can work with this!

    It was late. We crawled in and slept in each others arms. The next morning she asked me what I wanted to do. I responded that "I was up for anything". Explosive laughter! So, that set the theme. At the intersection of the trail "which way?" "I can go either way" "So, now I know". "Should have gone straight at the last intersection". "Really...now, you tell me". And so it went.

    Joking would subside and I would tell her how I felt. She acknowledged her low sex drive, how she only desired me, how she knew I needed more, how I always took care of her and how she let my needs drop out of her view. "We can do this".

    I asked her if she would trust me again. She said she would because she knew that I felt the same about marriage. Forsake all others. I told her I needed an outlet for my "gay" which is what we started calling it. She agreed that we would work on ways to bring that into the marriage.

    We made out and fondled each other all day as we drove around and hiked to various overlooks. Set up camp. Made love under the desert sun. Slept. Made love.

    This morning I asked if she would be upset if I sought out and befriended gay and bi friends. If I could do some flirting. She said "I married you. I did not neuter you. We just need to have another talk if you want to sleep with one of them".

    She wants me to be "gay" for her sometimes as part of the deal...Not sure what that means but I think it involves shopping.

    This is, oddly, the most fun we have had with each other in a decade. We have not stopped laughing, telling suggestive jokes in front of her family, hugging, kissing.

    I have never felt so free. I am so damn nice to everybody I meet. Such clarity.

    It will be some work. We both know that. And, she does not want me out to anyone in her family, only a few in my family, and, none of our friends for now. This is our deal. So far she seems to really like it but wants to own it. I am O.K. with that for now.
     
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  2. CapColors

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    WOW. I am SO PLEASED FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE.
     
  3. marriedcd

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    Nick...I am smiling with you. So happy for the both of you
     
  4. Adray

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    That is awesome, Nick! Congratulations, my friend.
     
  5. Bunny45

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    That's wonderful! So happy for you.
     
  6. ExistentialWolf

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    Hey Nick, I'm new here, but I'm really happy for you! It sounds like you have a great wife and the two of you have a great relationship. Here's to wishing the two of you much happiness in the future!
     
  7. baristajedi

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    This is wonderful!!! So happy for you!!!
     
  8. MsEmma

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    Nick, that is amazing! Well done to you and your awesome wife! Bravo and welcome to the newest chapter of your life!!
     
  9. CameOutSwinging

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    Great news! A definite best case scenario at the start!
     
  10. SiennaFire

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    Hey Nick,

    Congratulations on coming out to your wife. It's so liberating to be free of our secrets :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:

    I'm guessing your wife's underwhelming response was caused by her relief that your news wasn't something more life changing. There's always the possibility that she may have some delayed reactions.

    For now enjoy your coming out high :slight_smile:


    Best,
    SF
     
  11. Nickw

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    Thanks everybody!

    Siennafire. We talked about that. We talk about everything now! I asked her if she was so worried I would leave that my bisexuality was a relief? She admitted it was at first. Then she realized I was happy. She was seeing the enthusiasm and humor she fell for. "You're back...this is good!"

    We also discussed how I was on a coming out high and how we would need to be sure we didn't slip back. That will be hard. We are not going to change our differing levels of sexual drive either.

    We have a no secrets pledge now...both ways. So, if I cannot get what I need we can talk about it.
     
  12. Chiroptera

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    She is amazing. And you did great too, by telling her the truth. Being honest is always the best option!

    I hope everything continues working well! Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  13. nerdbrain

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    Nick,

    You did good man. I really admire how you handled it, with the camping trip and the bottle of wine, signifying that this was an important moment in the relationship but a positive one.

    I've always been so miserable and terrified when talking about my gay feelings with others, that they can't help but see it in a negative light.

    Intimacy comes from honesty and it sounds like you've both been missing that, and are glad to have it back. Congratulations on gracefully managing this challenge.
     
  14. Nickw

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    Thanks Nerdbrain

    I have never thought of using the term "gay" in my sexual orientation. But, my "bi-side" just seemed so strange to say. Cause it was sort of "which bi-side am I describing. The part that desires men or the part that desires women"? It made it sort of academic in my mind and sort of like I had choices. Which is the way I practiced my bisexuality I guess.

    Now, I own it...deep inside. I have decided "my gay" is really a part of me that is one of the best parts of me. It is NOT a sexual feeling. It is where my sense of absurdity lies, my sense of compassion, and my sense of independence. These are good things..."My gay" is good!
     
  15. biAnnika

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    Wooot!! Nick! Fabulous outcome! Holy crap...better quicker than I might even have guessed. Kudos to both of you you!!
     
  16. Nickw

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    Thanks Annika

    Your insight last month was extremely helpful to me during this. I had started to feel my wife was my enemy and you wouldn't allow that. Good advice!
     
  17. dirtyshirt84

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    Nick, that's amazing! I knew your wife would take it better than you thought. Such a big and important step. So happy for you!
     
  18. Nickw

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    Thanks Dirtyshirt

    Our conversation the other day really did help me clarify a few things too. The openness that you and your husband have gave me hope that it was O.K. to feel this way in a marriage.
     
  19. Morgana

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    Nick, I am super happy for you! Your wife is an amazing person. I hope the happiness continues for you both. You're on the right track; communication is everything, and honest communication is the best kind.

    A well done to you, and please pass along a well done to your wife as well.

    Morgana
     
  20. HereWeGo

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    Your world just opened up in so many ways. It sounds like 99% of them are positive. You have an amazing wife who wants the best for you and you want the best for her. How amazing when you can be there to support each other and give what each other needs.

    I hope you sleep well knowing you've come out the other side unscathed. We all deserve peace and happiness in our lives and how wonderful that you finally found it.