I have fallen for one of my best friends... hard.

Hey guys...

Sorry I haven't been online for a while. I've just had so much shit going on...

Speaking of shit, it's how I feel at the moment...

I'm so confused. The guy I like (Jacob)... I haven't seen him since school, and it feels like my crush on him is fading or something...
And there's this other guy that I am crushing on too... Let's call him L.
I feel so... torn... between Jacob and L.

I see L a lot more than I see Jacob. Me and L also have a lot more fun than I do with Jacob. But that could be a consequence of never hanging out with Jacob outside of school... I can consider L like... my best friend. Jacob's sorta faded. And I feel so... so terrible.

L is also a lot more flirty with other guys than Jacob is. L hugs me, touches me, makes very suggestive notions towards me and is generally just... very touchy-feely.
Like... the other night, before Christmas when we went and watched a movie together, I had my arm around him and he was fine with it. He sort of leaned into it too. And earlier tonight (New Years Eve), we sat and watched the fireworks together at our local harbour on the wharf, with a few other friends.

L left halfway through, though. I noticed when he was about halfway down the wharf. I got up and ran after him. I asked him what was wrong, and he said the fireworks were hurting his eyes. I knew that was lie. He didn't look too well.
So... On the way back, L and I talked, and as usual, made our retarded comments about random shit. He seemed pretty cheered up when we got back into town. We had to part ways then.
I hugged him, and he hugged me back. And we both said "Happy New Years" and separated. I went home, watched the Sydney fireworks and a movie, and now I am typing this.

The only thing about L though, is that he is chasing this girl, who happens to be my female best friend (the first one I came out to). Her and I went out to lunch together the other day, and we talked about her and L's relationship. She said she just wants to stay friends, and nothing more. But L has his hopes up because they've gone on a few dates. She only did it as a friend though...
So I feel bad for him... knowing that the girl he likes doesn't like him back... but he thinks she does.

Anyways... That's my life at the moment...

Jacob and I are going for lunch on Friday... maybe. He doesn't know what he is doing yet. XD

I just feel that I'll always be alone...

I hope you guys are going well...

See you later.

Kael~

 

Hey guys...
I know I haven't been on for a while, and I'm sorry. But there has been a few issues lately, and I feel I can come to this place and talk... and people will actually listen. Sorry if my writing or whatever is a little screwed up. It IS 4:00 in the morning over here.

Anyways... I'll give you all a quick recount of what has happened over the past week or so... and what has left me so destroyed.

Hmmm... Let's see...
Jacob and I still talk quite often. Every night, to be exact. He sent me a rare love heart once. I think he felt sorry for me after he had to cancel some plans we had made, though.
So... yeah... we talk, and I end up just missing him more. Until one day, Jacob and I decided we'd go to lunch. It was arranged to be two days ago(Friday).
So, on Thursday night, it was all organised. All I had to do was get the green light from Mother. I was super excited, cause I thought there was no reason to say no.
I asked her, when I got home from work and had cleaned up, if I could go to lunch with one of my friends.
"No" was the stern reply I got.

Right then and there, I almost started crying. But I managed to take a deep breath and say "But I haven't seen him for so long. Since before school ended (five weeks ago)"
Mother turned to me and looked me straight in the eye, "I don't care. You can see him at school. You're not going."

I managed to mumble an "Okay" before I walked into my room and stumbled onto my bed. And that's when the tears just started flowing. I wasn't sobbing or anything. It was just like they... fell out of my eyes.
Now, it's a very rare occurrence that I cry. So this was obviously big.
I started thinking how I just ruined our plans for lunch the next day. How I would have to wait another week and a half to see Jacob. I felt horrible. And I still do.
Even though Jacob said it was alright and it wasn't in my power to change the answer... I just felt like I had failed him.
I had ruined what could've been a great day with Jacob.
Eventually, I fell asleep. It took me about three hours. I was devastated.

For the next few days, I didn't do anything except go to work and sit in my room. I was depressed. And then Mother kicked me out. She told me to "fuck off for a few days".
So, here I am, at a friend's house typing this up at four o'clock in the morning.
I guess I feel a little better now that I am away from my family.

Anyways... That's the major events in my life at the moment.

I'll talk to you guys later.

Bye

Kael~

 

Hey guys... It's been such a long time and a lot has happened. I will be sure to give you an overview of everything that has occurred over the past two weeks or so.

School has started again (It started on Wednesday, the 29th of January). Which is good, because I get to see all the friends I didn't see over the holidays. Including Jacob.

There's this problem with Jacob though... Let me try to explain it in full.

So, before school started again, we were discussing classes and stuff (we can search up what classes we are in and stuff using the school website). I was in two out of six of his classes. Earth and Environmental science and Ancient History. I wasn't in his English or Maths. We were discussing that, and how bad it was we weren't going to be together in those two subjects. He then suggested I change classes because he wanted me there with him. I said I would see what I could do and it would be great if I could change to his Maths and English classes. He seemed pretty happy after that.

School started. I got my timetable. I went to class. Skipping to the last two periods of the first day, I had Earth and Environmental and Ancient History. I was looking forward to those two classes all day because that was when I could be with Jacob and we could chat and stuff.

Boy, was I wrong.
This is where everything started to go downhill.:icon_sad:

I got to Earth science after lunch and stood out the front of the classroom waiting for the teacher to arrive with the other students. One of my friends (Sam) was there with me, and he I were talking. I saw Jacob walking down the corridor and I was happy to see him again.
He walked straight past me and stood with one of his dick-head friends. I was completely ignored. I didn't act like anything happened. I just continued to talk to Sam. But inside, I was devastated. We got into the classroom and I just sat with Sam. Jacob sat with his OTHER friends.
At the end of the lesson (which was really interesting, btw), I came to the assumption it was just because he had his other friends there and he tends to act differently around them to how he acts around me. Around them he is... barely tolerable. Around me, I think he is his true self (or an extremely talented actor).

The bell rang for sixth period and we all got up to go our separate ways. I walked to my Ancient History classroom, mulling over the past hour. I was wondering what had happened to our past friendship.
Anyways... I got to the Ancient class and realised none of Jacob's dick-friends were there. I mentally fist-pumped, enjoying the idea that I finally have a class where I can talk to the REAL Jacob. Some of my friends were there though. Which I now realise is a very good thing.
Jacob turned up and he said hey. We made some small talk while we waited for the teacher. Nothing big because I was still getting over what happened in Earth science. I didn't really want to deal with him at that present moment. We got into the room and sat next to each other. The class was dead silent, so Jacob and I didn't talk much.
Five minutes into the lesson, there was a knock at the open door. I turned, expecting it to be a runner or another teacher.

What I saw almost made me scream in frustration and anger.
One of Jacob's OTHER friends (who is a new addition to the school, but Jacob knew him outside of school) was at the door. The teacher welcomed him in and he sat behind me and Jacob. The class was still dead silent, except for Jacob talking to his friend about god-knows what. Again, I was completely ignored. So I sat there, listening to the teacher assign us a task where we were to work in groups of two or three. It's due this Friday.
And my group is me, Jacob and his friend. I was still ignored throughout the lesson...
The bell rang and I Just walked out. I didn't even bother saying goodbye to anyone.

That night, I just lay on my bed, listening to music and running through everything that had happened that day. I didn't get to sleep until about one o'clock in the morning.

Over the next few days of school and the way he has been treating me, I have come to a conclusion:
I am not going to be friends with Jacob anymore. After this Ancient History project is done, I am just going to drift away from him. Ever since I have known him and been friends with him, a lot of my friends have been saying stuff like, 'He's a dick' or 'You're just going to get hurt, Kael'. I now realise where they were coming from.

It may seem like I'm taking this too far, or being over-dramatic... But... I have thought this through. For a few nights... I have just thought about it and thought about it. I even discussed it with my friends (The ones that know I am Bi). They said it was a good decision.

I just... I just can't believe how last year meant NOTHING to him. Where the fuck did our friendship go?

Anyways... He and I are done. And my decision is final. I have made up my mind. Suffer and The Day I Let Go by Stonesour pretty much explains how I feel about this decaying friendship.

On to the lighter topics of the past two weeks... :3

My attraction to Lewis("L's" real name) has become more prominent over the past two weeks. We have been talking a lot (in real life an FB) and he even invited me over. But unfortunately I was busy that day. The message read: "Hey, do you wanna come over for the night 'cause my mother is gone for the night." I was pretty disappointed that I didn't get to go. But... ah well.

My family is leaving for four days in a week and a half. Over the weekend too. I told Lewis and he asked if he could come over and watch some horror movies with me. Of course, I said yes and I'm going to try and organise him to stay the night. It should be good. I am pretty excited.

Anyways... that's my life at the moment. I hope you are all going well. I apologise for putting you all through this. It's a lot to read. I promise to keep you more updated more often from now on. Depending on what's happening of course.

Oh! And everything with my mother is okay. She isn't a bad parent, trust me (but I do think that when I'm pissed with her), she was just having one of her "that time of the month" episodes. I should've explained myself more. XD
I didn't take any offence to what any of you guys said though. I really love your advice.(*hug*)
It keeps me going. Knowing that people are here for me... yet you hardly know me. You have all been so kind.

Thank you all so much.

See you later!

Kael~

P.S. Hey? Guess what? Since my future posts will essentially be about the same thing, just a different person, I won't have to change the thread name!!! XD

 

Excuse me yru14t.

I don't mean to be rude or anything, but... did you read that last post I made? :3
Jacob and I are finished. We aren't friends anymore. And I found out today, that he can just "drop a friendship".

So... yeah... zero chance of that stuff happening.

But... to all you people out there...
What do you do when you think a guy is flirting with you?

See ya!

Kael~

 

Me: Jacob... we need to have a talk

Him: Facebook?

Me: No. I'd rather do it this way. And there is a perfectly sound reason for it.

Him: Okay it's just I don't have much reception

Me: That's okay. I'll try to keep it short.

Him: okay

Me: I have a question to ask, though, before I explain some stuff.
How do you think I feel at the moment?

Him: Uhm I'm not a hundred percent sure

Me: That's okay. I wasn't expecting you to know. I am feeling a bunch of feelings, mostly negative, at the moment. But a large portion of these feelings, is saddness and anger. Directed at you.

Him: Oh well that's no good. I did think something was up. Oh okay.

Me: Jacob... I don't know how to explain these feelings... but I can tell you that I don't really feel myself continuing with this "friendship" anymore.

Him: Oh haha okay. That's not so nice. But ok.

Me: And you know why. And I don't really like you anymore because of it.

Him: Not really.

Me: Whatever. You should know. You've been doing it for the past week and a half. And you only stopped because Tom wasn't there or you had no one in the class. I'm not something to be dropped and picked back up, Jacob. You dropped me. And I broke. And you expect me to be okay with it?

Him: Stopped what exactly

Me: Stopped being an asshole. Stopped ignoring me. Actually became the Jacob I knew. But he's gone now. If last year meant so little to you, why bother anyway? Don't Wake Me - Skillet
The Day I Let Go - Stonesour
Suffer - Stonesour
These three songs. They pinpoint exactly how my feelings developed from the first day of school to now. In that order. The last thing I ask of you, is to listen to them in that order. Or at least read the lyrical content. Things should be much clearer. But anyways... Goodbye Jacob. I cherished this friendship a lot. But it's gone now.

Him: And if your going to be like that I don't exactly remember picking you up.

Me: Whatever. Go use someone else.

Him: You think last year meant so little to me ? Really Kyle act as If I've forgotten everything but your the one thinking I am some asshole do you really think that's who I am because if you do last year really must have meant nothing to you, and I am not exactly ignoring you I am different around every single person I don think that makes me fake Kyle everyone changes depending on who there around and that is something that is maybe prominent in me but you know what that springs from? Well my own anxiety my own fears worries troubles, you don't even realise what my whole life has been like how hard some things in my life have been and how hard they still are I'm like you as well I care about most people more than I care about myself that's why I don't really tell people what's wrong even you because I don't like bothering others with my stuff also because I have major trust issues. I am not a different person I've had some of the closest people on my life tell me that including you and it really hurts because I am not a different person I am still the same if you can't accept that I am going to e different around different people than that's your decision, I thought I had actually been a good friend to you I have been there for you a fair bit I think but yeh, I've tried messaging you most afternoons and I figured you had your phone taken off you probably but I hadn't exactly forgotten you, but yeh that's my thoughts please try to see some things through my perspective I hought you were a good enough friend to be able to do that but yeh. Wow that really hurts, I didn't use you.

Me: It's what it fucking feels like.

Him: You didn't even try to see things from my perspective. See this is why I never fucking trust anyone. Everytime I let someone in even a bit I get fcked over. What do you expect of me? You really don't get it.

Me: I didn't want it to be like this. But I have been forced to do it because of the way you "act".

Him: You don't get how insecure I am you don't know what I've been through maybe if you did youd understand. I don't act thank you very much. What do you want me to be? Your the one burning this bridge Kyle not me.

Me: Everyone's been through shit Jacob. No one's life is shittier than anyone elses. Yes. I am the one burning this bridge. After much thought and consultation with my friends.

Him: You have forgotten so much from last year. You need to remember Kyle. Your right but your experiences shape you.

Me: I'M the one who's forgotten...

Him: And why leave it so long?

Me: Ancient-fucking-history stopped me.

Him: I think you are blinded to a lot of things because you are sad and angry if you think I haven't been there you much I can go back and screenshot some messages? How did it stop you? I didn't ignore you Kyle.

Me: Because I had to work "with" you.

Him: Your making things worse than they are

Me: I never said you haven't been there.

Him: Your thinking things are worse than they are and therefore making things worse than they are.

Me: It's only this last week and half. Jacob... you made last year great. But this year, its like you completely dismissed me and our friendship.

Him: But you have friends in that class as well just like other classes and your not annoyed about them but I wouldn't have ignored you regardless. You are the one dismissing our friendship brushing it off so lightly without even trying to fix things.

Me: There's a huge gap between how much I like them compared to how much I liked you Jacob.

Him: It's not like I wasn't going to sit with Tom as well like don't forget he's new and had NO other friends in that class. Your brushing off everything so lightly.

Me: I am not brushing this off lightly. I have thought about this.

Him: But not tried to fix things

Me: I can't fix your attitude.

Him: You don't have to

Me: Look... I've gone from loving you, to completely disliking you, maybe even resenting you a bit. There's nothing you or I can say or do to fix it.

Him: Your the one that doesn't care about me I have never stopped caring about you.

Me: It's not my fault I stopped caring about you.

Him: Lovely Kyle, I can tell you what when I thought I was losing some I did everything I possibly could to hold on to them. It is your fault. You've made everything worse. You do not care about me.

Me: I cared so much about you. I think it even bordered on love for a while. But it's all gone now. And you're right. I don't care about you. Not anymore
Stop trying to grasp at dead threads of hope. It's over.
Goodbye, Jacob. Have a nice life.

Him: Haha. Why do I even try? I don't even know what to say your being horrible. I have accepted you in every aspect and you can't accept me in one way.

---------- Post added 8th Feb 2014 at 02:05 PM ----------

This the conversation Jacob and I had yesterday. I finished it. I feel so much better.

I can move on with my life!!! :3

I'll be sure to post soon with more details about a few things, but I have to go now!

Byeee!!

Kael~

 

Alright guys... It's been a while. I have so much to tell you all. So... this post may be all over the place. But I'll try my best to give it some form of structure.

I'll start with the stuff that... well, I'll call it the back-story to the main part of my post; everything will make a bit more sense if I say this stuff first.

I had a period of time (in my absence to this site) where I was not attracted to anyone at all. It just felt like I didn't want to deal with anyone. Lewis, Jacob; no one. And it stayed that way for a while. I lost all interest in Lewis. Sure, we're still friends, I just don't view him in that light anymore.

Then it happened.

Y'know how I said that I thought a guy was flirting with me? Well, I sort of knew this guy (his name is Owen) last year. This year, he just randomly started hugging me when he saw me. I hardly even knew him. But he seemed really nice. And feminine. Which he is. XD
So... He is in my English class and Biology class. I decided to get to know him better. We quickly became friends. We have some things in common and we get along really well.

So... yeah. I made a new friend.

Whenever I see Owen outside of class he always smiles a big, goofy (not to mention cute) grin at me, winks at me or shoots his hand up in the air and waves at me with the same grin on his face.
I'm just wondering if I should push this any further? Like... Hug him? I dunno.
But he is adorable. Like... extremely feminine, cute and sensitive. Jus' sayin'.
And he is also a bit of a party-boy. Another thing we have in common.
I just don't know if he is gay/bi or not. Everyone suspects it. But he denies it. I think, when I gain his trust, I'll tell him I bi (in an extremely nonchalant way of course) and see how he reacts.

But anyways... That's the latest on my... I don't even know what to call it. Lol. Oh well.

So... we'll move onto the next thing.

I apologised to Jacob.
I seriously felt so horrible. I have never been so mean to someone in my entire life. I guess I was just in a terrible state of rage and depression. But there was no justification.
So... I said sorry. Of course, it was much more elaborate than that. But... in the end; I apologised.
And do you know what he said?

"I forgive you. Sure, some of the things you said hurt, but I can understand why you said them. I hold no grudge. You have been, and are, one of the best friends I've ever had. I accept your apology because you are someone extremely special to me."

It may not have been those EXACT words, but they were close to it.
He said he needed a bit of time to re-order his thoughts though. So I told him to take as long as he needed. I also told him that I wanted to have a face-to-face talk to him when things get better. He said that'd be fine.

I plan to tell him about my feelings. How I felt about him. I'm going to tell him everything.
So... yeah. That should be fun. It won't be for a couple of weeks though.

Anyways... That's life at the moment. Again, sorry for forcing you to read so much. I hope I don't bore you with my writing too much. It can be pretty horrible at times.

Anyways... I'll see you guys later!!!

Jya ne!! (Bye)

Kael~