Would you be upset if your s/o lied about sexual history?

I'm with Chip on this one. I would most definitely be upset. When I reach a point where I trust someone enough, I blab on about my sexual past (Number of partners, what we did, etc.) so I would be very upset if I found out at a later stage, that they had lied about their sexual past/number of partners and it would put me off them permanently. I just feel like if they can lie about something like that, what else are they hiding from me? So yeah, it would upset me and like Chip said, it would be a dealbreaker for sure

 

Yeah, I would be. I feel like if they just never got around to telling me, it wouldn't be as upsetting but if they intentionally lied I think it'd definitely be a dealbreaker.

 

If they lied to me (more than who ate the last of the ice cream) I would become very distrustful of them. I would want to know their past, especially if they're a man whose ever slept with a man as if I can ever (weight and medical wise) donate blood I would want to and I'd need to wait 4 months. Also if they lied to me or purposefully didn't tell me they are trans. Or anything else that may affect our relationship, even if it is just affecting in the sense I didn't know.

 

I would absolutely be upset about a significant other lying about sexual history. Given that STDs are a thing, and they could potentially be serious, I feel that I have the right to know what kind of risk I'd be exposed to when it comes to a sexual relationship. I can understand that this might be an uncomfortable subject, but part of a relationship is being able to be open and honest, even in uncomfortable situations. I don't plan to ever become physically involved with someone without having this talk first, and lying to me when we have that talk is likely to be a total deal breaker, especially if I don't find out until after we become physical.

 

Yeah, lies suck from partners, but personally I think that lies is our default mode to survive our everyday life, and the couple has to work on creating a space where everyone involved feels safe to speak their truth. You cannot expect complete honesty if you do not make the other person feel safe being vulnerable with you. Justst because someone is in a relationship and they love each other, it doesn't mean that people will hide embarrassing stuff from their past , specially if they see it as "harmless".

Again, not advocating for lying, but I do think we HAVE to talk about what environment allows for honest and vulnerability to thrive, and what environment will kill it.

For example, MANY women, specially older generations, have lied about their virginity to their spouses. Many of your grandmas will tell you they were virgins until marriage and many to this date will be lying. Does the lying make them bad people? Untrustworthy? No, they lied because back then the stigma was soooo large that honesty had too high a price to pay.

If you think your partner is a slut, dirty and a lesser a person if they had sex with more than 10 people then will they feel safe enough to tell you? If you would break up with them if the number is too high will they tell you? What if they don't tell you at the beginning because then you were just a stranger, but now that you have been together for years they want to come clean? Would you stop trusting them then?

I personally I'm a sex positive person so I will always be honest about my number because I need my partner to be okay with my whole self, but I know many people who are uncomfortable about even admitting they masturbate to their partner so I can see many of them lying or reducing the number of partners they tell a significant other.

Just fyi, this is not how STI's work. If someone has sex with 100 people before you and then you have sex with them and use a condom, the risk of you getting an STI are the exact same as if your partner had slept with 10 people before you. That's why condoms are such powerful tools because it eliminates MANY variables that you would have otherwise had to take into account.

This is one of those examples where statistical probability is incredibly hard for the brain to process and where it might sound counter-intuitive.

 

It depends. If they hadn't slept with as many people as they claimed, no that wouldn't bother me. If they had slept with more people then they claimed well than that would probably bother me. Especially if they hadn't been tested.

 

No lies is one of the only things I insist on. If I come home and there's a dead hooker in our bed, tell me the truth and we might be able to figure something out, but no lies!

 

Well, it would depend on WHY. Not everyone is aware of their orientation from an early age, and come into their own later in life.

 

It really depends for me so I voted no. It’s not a flat out “yes,” but nothing in life is really black or white.

If it was a new relationship and they were afraid to admit something it may be permissible. For example, if they fudge the estimate of how many guys they’ve been with in favor of fewer different guys. If they lied by omission about being in a huge orgy and it never really came up then I guess that might be forgiveable.... the lie anyway.

If they point blank lied about something then that may be a problem, yes. Which is probably what you’re asking but I wasn’t sure.

 

Uh YEAH!
Especially if we had been barebacking for two months after he swears he hasn't been with anyone in years only to find out he has a side gig in another city!

 

Only if they lied about if they have STDs. The number of partners they had in the past really doesn't matter.

 

I agree with that. It wouldn't matter to me who or how many people my SO had sex with or even dated without sex. it might be a nice conversation piece, like "I once dated a guy who..." but it really isn't too important as long as they don't have an STD.

 

PLEASE listen carefully... I am a bit older than most of you, 40. I've lived. I've experienced and some things I'm not so proud of. But I was raised to be honest and open to build trust and stability. Most of you relate to that understandable standard.

Unfortunately, reality, from experience, has taught me that being so open & honest does not pay off. In fact, it's never paid off. Yes I have a past. I've experimented. I've done things I'm not proud of. Those things to me were all just part of becoming whom I am today.

But the truth is, no matter how much people wanna say that someone's past doesn't bother them, that's never really true. Sometimes we should just love someone for who they are today and leave the past where it belongs, in the past. If you truly love someone, then you love them for who they are today and the past should not matter.

Sometimes sharing some not so honorable past experiences only creates insecurities in a current relationship. So really ask yourself if the past really matters... you love then today and the past is what made them the person you love, but the past may not be so pretty. Most of us learn from mistakes. That's human.

Trust your partner to know what's important to tell and what isn't. It's whatever they are comfortable telling for their own reasons. You should respect them enough to allow them maintain their pride. Even if you believe wholeheartedly that you'd never judge them, maybe they judge themselves and speaking of what to them is shameful events only breaks down their self confidence. If you truly love someone then you should never want to tear them down like that. If they lied, they lied to pretect themselves from harm and that... should be respected.

 

So, how would such conversations go? It sounds all very awkward and maybe very invasive, too. I mean, seriously, are you gonna ask how many people? What types of people? How many with condoms? How many without condoms? How many times with each person? Wowwww.

 

@Richard321

- How many sexual partners have you had?
- Have you ever had sex with someone who has an STI/D?
- To men: have you ever had sex with a man?

These are definitely awkward but they aren't unreasonable if one wants to stay healthy.

 

As far as STDs go... it's only important to know if your new potential lover currently has an STD that is not curable. If they has chlamydia 10 years ago, which is cleared up 100% with a couple doses of antibiotics (I'm a nurse lol) then who cares?!? Yes, if you have HIV or HPV or Herpes... YOU SHOULD TELL that to your new potential partner BEFORE being sexual with them. That's only fair and right. No one should have to ask that!! Lol... other than that, the past does not matter.