1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Would you be upset if your s/o lied about sexual history?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Kyrielles, Mar 8, 2018.

?

Would you be upset if your gf/bf lied about their sexual past/partners?

  1. YES

    19 vote(s)
    70.4%
  2. NO

    8 vote(s)
    29.6%
  1. OGS

    OGS
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2014
    Messages:
    2,210
    Likes Received:
    362
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I debated whether or not to respond to this. But I guess I just have to. I'm a bit older than you and I just don't have time in my life for lies, haven't for a long time--life's just too short. I also have a pretty colorful past. I know there are a lot of people who would have a lot of regrets if they were me, but I'm alright with it because they made me who I am and I'm pretty good with who I am. And one of the things I like most about who all of it has made me is that it's made me open and honest--and it really is the only thing I absolutely insist on.

    Don't get me wrong. I don't think I have to know everything about someone. I'm not much for the whole idea of lies of omission. Frankly I think the idea only applies in situations where you are absolutely entitled to know, no doubt. If my husband slept with someone last week and managed to just not tell me about it, that's a lie. If we run into someone at a cocktail party that he slept with ages ago and that fact doesn't come up well in my mind that's not a lie that's just something that didn't come up--and if it does come up and he chooses to say "wow, I'd just really rather not discuss that" I'm alright with that too. What I'm really not alright with is if he says he didn't and he did. We just don't do that--and in my mind it's never alright.

    Your past is your past and you're right that it's not nearly as important as who you are--but the fact of the matter is that lying about your past isn't about who you were it's part of who you are.
     
  2. Earthfae

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2017
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Tx
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone

    I hear ya... What has happened since we've been together is not necessarily the past lol. I'm referring to things like having had multiple partners at once or how many people have you had sex with when you were younger and things of that nature. I've been open & honest in all my relationships about those things in the beginning they always say it's no big deal. Later tho, EVERY TIME, it becomes an issue. We shouldn't have to live those things down over & over again. I swear if I'm ever in a new relationship, I won't be so honest. Simply Bc I don't want to go thru that anymore. That's where my thoughts came from.
     
  3. Niagara

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2017
    Messages:
    405
    Likes Received:
    127
    Location:
    Florida - United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Yes, because it would mean they don't trust me. I don't really have to know what they did in the past as long as it didn't lead to an STD, but I do need to know we trust each other.
     
    #23 Niagara, Mar 11, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2018
  4. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    12,685
    Likes Received:
    964
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Wow. So you're basically advocating lying to your partner. Sorry, I can under no circumstances condone that. Sure, one might wait a while to share some things, but choosing not to reveal them at all... you're building a foundation of a relationship that's fundamentally constructed on lies (whether omission or commission, doesn't matter.) Not OK, and really not OK to be suggesting that to other, particularly young, people.
     
  5. anonmember

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2018
    Messages:
    382
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    Somewhere in the United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Definitely.
     
  6. Mike92

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2012
    Messages:
    2,205
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Washington, DC area
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    No, don't really care because it's pretty irrelevant now.
     
  7. Richard321

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2018
    Messages:
    600
    Likes Received:
    140
    Location:
    England, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I agree with you, Earthfae.

    Secrets5, your questions are not unreasonable at all.
     
  8. smurf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2015
    Messages:
    980
    Likes Received:
    263
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    That's seriously the most tone-deaf response. Is like you barely read her post.

    She isn't condoning lying to your partner, but she is speaking from a place of being hurt previously for telling the truth. Instead of shaming her honest response (the irony) it would be far more constructive to point out that there are tools that one can use to unlearn the toxic messages that you are given in society so you can stop feeling ashamed of your sexual past. Hell, even point out that some people are not in a place to handle the truth and that its okay to learn to let those opportunities go as much as it can hurt.

    But instead you leaned on shaming her into silence for speaking her truth.


    It depends who you are as people.

    To me and my friends, these are conversations that we have all the time. I know my friends counts because we are curious. So when a partner comes along I ask because I'm curious and usually they don't have trouble telling me once I let them know its fine.

    We have had conversations about our past, if we have even gone bareback, if we have ever had an STI, how we normally get tested, etc. These conversations also allow us to have a more vibrant sex lives ourselves. If they know I'm open to sex and their whole selves, then they will also dare to admit fantasies and fetishes to me.

    But like I said before, honest conversations about sex have to start from creating an atmosphere where sex is okay to talk about. If you don't do that, if you don't allow people the space to bring all of themselves with them, then you are going to get lies or omissions from certain people.
     
    #28 smurf, Mar 12, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2018
  9. Hyrule Wayfarer

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2014
    Messages:
    110
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I don't really care about the number of people my partners have slept with. There's this stereotype that women reduce their sexual partner count by 2 thirds. So if a woman has slept with 10 people they will lie and say they slept with 3 or 4.

    The only thing I ask when I'm about to get into a monogamous relationship with someone is 'When was your last STI test?' and in every instance the answer I have got back is 'I have never had one' plus either 'theres nothing wrong with me / i've never slept around / i've only had a couple of one night stands / ive only ever had sex in relationships / I feel okay down there'. I find how delusional people are to be very alarming, I regularly get tested because I'm super paranoid.
     
  10. Creativemind

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2015
    Messages:
    3,282
    Likes Received:
    407
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I personally would not be interested in even knowing how many partners a person has had. I prefer to not know. The only thing that's important to me is STI's, not so much who they've been sleeping with. You can get STI's while being a virgin (herpes is spread through kissing and sharing drinks for example), so I don't see where they've been as actually mattered. It doesn't tell me what they do or don't have.
     
    #30 Creativemind, Mar 13, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2018
  11. Matz

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2015
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Minnesota
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think it's upsetting that they would feel the need to lie and be okay with deception in the relationship. I don't think it would be a dealbreaker unless it was about STIs.

    I don't normally ask people about things like how many people they've been with, but better to just not discuss it at the time than lie. Lies tend to pile up.
     
    #31 Matz, Mar 13, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2018
  12. J321J

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2017
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Yes it would definitely hurt and upset me. When you share personal information like this you're supposed to be furthering trust and creating a stronger relationship. It's a topic that makes us incredibly vulnerable. It can be awkward to discuss but it's something that should definitely be shared between partners. I would feel quite betrayed if I was being honest with my partner and found out they lied to me about something like that