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Wondering if it worths to do coming out with a few of friends now or if it worth to wait.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LullabyNY, Aug 29, 2023.

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  1. LullabyNY

    LullabyNY
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    I'm not asking because I'm scary, I now they will accept me, but I'm in love with one of them and I don't want change anything.
    He isn't in love with me, that's clear, so I've got the fear of making him guess if I'm in love with him.
    Maybe with a friend we got in common? He is the other one I would do the coming out then asking him? Is it sensical if I'm asking him what to do? Maybe telling him my sentiment for the other one?
    I'm wondering.
    I'm not scary about them, I'm worry that my feeling for him could ruin our friendship it is different.
     
    #1 LullabyNY, Aug 29, 2023
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  2. kwhale53

    kwhale53
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    That's a tough one, Lullaby! I barely started coming out recently - and am slowly adding to my short list - I started with a sponsor in an addicts group I've been attending, then to a friend and his sister, then to 2 new friends I met in a Meetup app [I was searching for queer groups for this reason, so I could speak with them to gain some understanding of how to explore my sexuality and my coming out] - I find that internally I consider friends old and new when I'm with them, whether I might say something about my current seeking and exploring - I started coming out to my ex yesterday, so it's a growing thing - she reminded me I'd already mentioned this some years ago and who I told her I was sexually interested in at that time [and he still interests me!]
     
    #2 kwhale53, Aug 30, 2023
  3. LullabyNY

    LullabyNY
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    I understand, yes, I'm luck to have them but the others are different.
    The fact I love him is my main problem and tbh I never really thought about a coming out since "what if with him"... my hope would be he like me back, I doubt.
    Maybe if I go on? Maybe then?
     
    #3 LullabyNY, Aug 31, 2023
  4. kwhale53

    kwhale53
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    I recently joined a number of queer Meetup groups, seeking fellowship and understanding - perhaps this sort of thing might be worth a try for you?
    ( ' ,
     
    #4 kwhale53, Aug 31, 2023
  5. LullabyNY

    LullabyNY
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    i don't even know if it exists here LOL
     
    #5 LullabyNY, Aug 31, 2023
  6. kwhale53

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    ah! Me neither! There may be something similar?
     
    #6 kwhale53, Aug 31, 2023
  7. LullabyNY

    LullabyNY
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    tbh i tried a famous gay app since i was curious (without any real name and pic) to day, I just started to chat with a person with an emoji as smile and some anime as avatar and that person told me I'm fake (plus the profile was like "people call me 'twink nerd' and 'my attribute is being curly and shy' and 'i send photos only in chat' and 'i'm not the guy you expect'" so right now i prefer not chat.

    i don't judge but he told me i was fake and boh...
     
    #7 LullabyNY, Aug 31, 2023
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  8. kwhale53

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    ya, makes sense - people can and do suck - it's difficult moving through life, searching for the treasures
     
    #8 kwhale53, Sep 1, 2023
  9. LullabyNY

    LullabyNY
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    really, is ok not showing face and go on but if you act like god is different... was HOW not what, I was polite. i don't care the nickname and the pics, but the behavior had suck so no please.
    i distanced from the most of socials
     
    #9 LullabyNY, Sep 2, 2023
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  10. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Hi there! Sometimes the fears of 'what if this or that,' prevent us from coming out even to someone feel attracted to. It sounds like your friend would be someone who is supportive.

    A good friend will understand and you already know that he isn't feeling the same way. Knowing that, maybe try to find a local LGBTQ+ social or support group that would allow you to get to know others and maybe find someone with whom it could work out.
     
    #10 Mirko, Sep 2, 2023
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  11. kwhale53

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    Sure! Makes sense!!
     
    #11 kwhale53, Sep 2, 2023
  12. LullabyNY

    LullabyNY
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    Hi the next weeked before starting school we will go to the beach, he is with me.
    I didn't talked about this since I thought was useless and was something private but we had kissed and it was from that I started to be so madly in love.
    I find out yesterday evening he was in crisis too so he wrote me to not write with him and not see each others to the next weekend.
    Now to me is getting mad not writing to him, I'm madly in love but I understand.
    Now what to do? What to do with him.
    I'm happy the coming out part I did, he knew it from the friend (he accepted me) I did in some way... I was naive to choose him.
    But it ended ok, now the problem is what will happen from now.
     
    #12 LullabyNY, Sep 4, 2023
  13. LullabyNY

    LullabyNY
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    Also he started to talk about he don't want to be labeled, I cannot even do coming out... maybe is whole him being scarred but one day I want, soon as I can, so what!? What to do. I will go in sea with my friends, he will too since they are OUR friends... but what to do?! How to act?! Now I just want to be even more close to him. I know I've got a chance!
     
    #13 LullabyNY, Sep 4, 2023
  14. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Hi there! Based on what you have written in your responses, it sounds like that providing him with some space might be a good idea, and perhaps the only thing you can do at this point.

    All you can do is be there for him. When you see him in person again or you have an opportunity to speak with him, it would be fine to say to him that you are there for him to listen and support him when he needs it. With this, you are showing support but leave it up to him to come to you.

    As hard as this is, try to be a friend, first and foremost at this point.
     
    #14 Mirko, Sep 4, 2023
  15. LullabyNY

    LullabyNY
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    Tbh the one I'm more angry with is the friend whom told him everything and yes, of course, I told him this. Really a lot, I don't know even if I can forgive him.
    Everything just went so fast, I'm not even able to understand what's going on.
    I don't know what to do, I don't even know if I can be friend with him... I'm in love, this is like a 'stab' in my heart.
    I love him, surely I will be always next to him but what about me? I'm not even so mind stable to stand next me.
    I'm just able to do my life, nothing more, I don't know if I would be able to stand next to him too... would I force him to do something? Would I able to manage this?
    I don't even know.
     
    #15 LullabyNY, Sep 4, 2023
  16. Mirko

    Mirko
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    So maybe then the first thing to do would be to make sure that you have the supports you need. It might be worthwhile to also think about whether it would be good for you to have some distance from your friend until you feel that you are in a better place.
     
    #16 Mirko, Sep 4, 2023
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  17. LullabyNY

    LullabyNY
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    I don't know, we're so close both as humans and as people...we also meet the same people, have the same friends. even at the the school we were together. dunno.
    this year i will go in the last year of high school, with him.
    what to do? this is our last year... i want live it fulfill
     
    #17 LullabyNY, Sep 4, 2023
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  18. LullabyNY

    LullabyNY
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    Hi, I've got several important upgrade.
    Firstly yesterday at 3pm we were with friends at the disco and we talked and I said him everything I told you here... I was wrong?
    Then today, half in hangover, I wrote him a long long e-mail about I don't know if I'm able to be with a closeted guy and I want do coming out (that's true he is why I don't) and that I'm waiting for him... I was in hangover!!!!
    Now I'm in crisis, he didn't replied!!! I told him I will wait untill the next weekend for allow him to think but now I'm dying inside!!!
     
    #18 LullabyNY, Sep 5, 2023
  19. Mirko

    Mirko
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    I am not sure why you decided to reveal things to your friend, even though he asked to have some time to himself. It would be good to think about his and your boundaries.

    That said, what's done is done. I would suggest that you leave things as they are for now. You have sent the email, and there is nothing you can do at this point. Give him the space and time he has asked for. If you force things, or you push him into a corner, he might not want to speak with you further nor trust you.

    Spend time with other friends; try not to get drunk that could lead you to say or do things you might regret afterwards. Your words and actions could conceivably end the friendship that you do have with him.

    Give him the space. I would not call, text or email for now even after the week is over. Let him come to you and open up the conversation.
     
    #19 Mirko, Sep 5, 2023
  20. LullabyNY

    LullabyNY
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    I don't even know what had happen inside my brain, it just happened. I don't even drink normally.
    I hope it won't ruin anything.
     
    #20 LullabyNY, Sep 6, 2023
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