I feel like my body is betraying me. I'm trying to "know for sure" (if that's even possible) whether my body is just finally awakening to its truth (that I'm actually a lesbian and not just bi)... or am I self-sabotaging a great relationship just to mix things up? Or is it just past trauma coming up to be dealt with at a deeper level? I've been with women (romantically and sexually) in the past, but all of my public relationships were with men (I wasn't "out", I was still repressing my own desires from past religious shaming & bullying at work, plus acting out with men in response to social conditioning that led me to believe my body was only for pleasing others). Each of my relationships was unhealthier than the last... until this most recent one. We've been together for 5 years and both identify as bi. We're completely open and honest with each other, so I talk to him about this confusion daily. But what happened is that it felt like just all of the sudden, my body stopped responding to his, and I'm looking back now and wondering if it ever really did, or was I just 'going along with it' to keep him happy because I do cherish the crap out of this man. It seemed to come up after I did some inner embodiment work - I felt truly connected to my heart and my body in ways I haven't felt maybe all of my life. For this reason and because there's no one else I'm interested in, and because I really love him and want to work it out but my body just genuinely closes up when we get too close to anything non-platonic, I believe my responses are to be trusted, and this might mean we have to break up. But we love each other so much. We're such a great team. We've planned out our lives together! If I could work it out without abandoning myself, I would. So I feel eager to get a therapist (have been reaching out but no appointments yet), and to deal with any past traumas that could be triggering this response, and I keep wanting to experiment with him to see if my body continues to reject the experience or if it "all blows over". I am SO CONFUSED -- most of the time I feel no desire at all to be affectionate, and get anxious when he gets close or a situation comes up where I would normally respond in some "girlfriendy" way. I have no desire to do any of that. But some mornings I wake up and want to "try it out"... I'll run my fingers along his body and I don't cringe if I get too close to non-platonic parts. I think, maybe we should try having sex tonight and see what happens. Of course, I don't want to torture the poor man either.... but when I try to experiment, I'm sincerely thinking I'm into it...and just as something's about to happen, my brain goes, NOPE!! and my lady parts curl up even further inside me. WHAT IS HAPPENING! Do I have to let this amazing relationship go to honor myself? I can't imagine finding a love like this again... so I'll just ruin both of our lives? Couldn't I just fake it forever and "be happy"?? Fake it till you make it?