Why ocd makes me much more confused about everything ):

Yes, in fact i do this a lot, i search a lot in my old posts here lol, and a lot of times i found what i want. But theres one thing that ive been thinking for a long time, does anyone know a study that prooves that anxiety can cause arousal? I see a lot, like, a lot of ppl on forums realted to ocd and sexuality, that saying that they are constantly getting aroused by their same sex fantasies, but that itis anxiety driven arousal. And i want to know if this is true.

Ngl, its been someday that ive been taking new meds and i know it wont work right now, but maybe in some months, so bc of that i still test sometimes. The last test i did was bc i saw a handsome guy on tv and got nervous, so i started to think if i was attracted to him, bc lately it feels like any woman attracts me. So this lead me to test about kissing and having sex with him, and the same feeling of growing and tingling arousal were there, i was testing and looking at the mirror to see how my penis changed and yeah i saw that it growed a lot actually, even if i was not really hard or arousal, the fantasie of having sex with this guy made my penis get somewaht bigger, so i continued, of course i was completely anxious, but i tried to calm myself bc i didnt want to run from it, and i kep checking, and the more i was checking more i was feeling, until where a weird moment happened, i just was fantasizing about him doing a bj for me, and i wasnt like thinking about it actually, my mind was thinking of a blank space, and down there in my mind there was this moment, and boom, i got hard, like at least for 1 sec, i got almost completely hard, whats weird is after this 1 sec of hardness i just got completely soft, like completely and wasnt feeling anything anymore, no tinglings, no growing, nothing, and my anxiety dicreased a lot, and i sat there and was like "whats going on", i thought it was bc of anxiety and i wouldnt be able to vet hard with woman either, so i thought about women, and i got super hard super fast, for the entire time lol.

And this brought me back this confusion that has been in my mind for the last 2 years, is possible to anxiety to give some arousal? Bc to me theres only two possibilities here, the first is that i was indeed aroused by the fantasy and my anxiety destroyed, or anxiett gave me this arousal and after my anxiety faded the feeling faded too.

So does anyone have a study that can answer me? Bc i know anxiety can kill arousal, but i never found someone saying that it gives arousal, and this makes me wonder if not just me but everyone in the other forum is lying to themselves about anxiety driven arousal.

Sorry for the big text again

 

Last week i was so fine, i dont know what happened to make me turned the table like that and start testing like a crazy again.

I tested again, and felt the same as before, i felt some arousal again, mostly bc i fantasize about a men ejaculating and dont know why i felt some kind of arousal, in porn i usually get aroused by seeing men ejaculating but the test was to see he ejaculating in and i actually didnt think about that, only him doing it, and yeah i got kind aroused i think. Why there are days like that, where i just get some arousal by this fantasies, shit i domt want to write the same thing again, but it just dont make sense to me, i dont want you guys to waste your time here but i cant run from this.

If its ocd why im feeling arousal fantasizing about this, not completely arousal but arousal. I see ppl with ocd here too saying that they feel only tingling but to me is actual arousal. What in the world is going on, i must be lying to myself, theres no way.

 

I wish i could just delete what i sent, im okay now, it was just a moment of despair again.

After writting this i tried masturbating to the same thing 2x and i didnt get hard, so i really dont know why ocd is so powerfull like that. And i didnt get as aroused as i said it too i think, it was just like some arousal. Sometimes i think its bc of transwoman that those fantasies give me these responses, since it wasnt like this before i start watching transsexual porn. I really dont know anymore, this week i failed a lot of times, feel depressed, and really confuse on why i get some arousal to those things, bc i shouldnt feel this if it was ocd right? Well lol life sucks sometimes

 

Wow so messages i sent yesterday lol, yesterday was a hard day. Today i tried fantasuze about the same man i did yesterday, tried 3 times i think, and my penis growed more, dont really know if a "straight" guy like me should feel my penis grow this much. Another facr is that i cant kept this grow, since it goes down after a while, then grows again. After that i fantasized about a transwoman and boom extremely hard. I think im wasting my time taking those meds, yeah i probably have ocd, but probably im bi too right?

 

Im not saying this in a bad sense, i fantasize about trans woman bc i like it, not to test myself like men. What confuses me is if a straight guy like me should have this responses of penis growing/some arousal when thinking about men? I know ocd is so powerfull and is a mess.

Sorry for being so annoying, i wish i could say im happy and well, and not being such a pain in the ass like i am, im really sorry guys for everything.